story74

It has been awhile since I have posted. Things are good. I'm getting my life back together. My xah on the other hand is still a mess. Visitations I have decided that I will be there, and they must happen 2 hours a week, so I give that to him. When he takes it. He is inconsistant. Anyways, the past 2 weeks he was great. He played with my son. My son has warmed up to him. And they had a great time. This week, he just sat there. Something was off. Coming down off his high? I don't know. He seemed like he was sulking and almost crying. We don't talk. I just usually sit there and knit and let them play. I said nothing. I did nothing. He walked offf an hour into it without a goodbye to either of us. I couldn't believe it. When I texted him and called him a jerk he just said that I didn't need to be there and my son didn't even know he was there. He didn't even apologize. He also owed me money, but didn't even give it to me.
A part of me feels so sorry for him. He must be in so much pain. We are happy. A part of me is so mad that he is causing drama and making me mad and hurting my son.
I don't want to go to court and change custody to state. I don't want to spend the money. I have just now got enough money to get me through the summer. Why can't he just do the right thing and build trust? All he has to do is show up and play with my son. Is he wanting attention? Does he need a hug? I don't get it. I will never understand his mind. Maybe he is getting worse. I actually thought when I saw him walking off, please let this be the last time we hear from you. Leave us alone. I really believe he is hurting. I really believe he misses us. But why can't he say it? Why can't he ask for help? Why can't he just admit he has a problem. I actually sent him a text saying that if he needs help, we would be there for him as a friend. When will this journey end? When he is dead? What provokes someone to get clean? Why can't he see he has a problem? Are drugs really that powerful? I will never understand.
Meanwhile, I am trying to do bikram's yoga 30 day challenge. Whew! Talk about mind, body and soul. I have felt a transformation just in 3 days. It is amazing. Dreading doing it tonight, but I think it will help clear my head.
I really love him so much. Its so hard to watch him go through this. But, it is his journey. Unfortunately, he keeps bumping into mine and its annoying.
As usual, just venting.

Ann

I'm sorry you are going through this, Story, and more sorry that your child is.

I don't have any answers for you, just encouragement to stay strong and do what is right for you and your child.

Hugs

zoso77

Yeah, drugs are that powerful.

We can drive ourselves crazy when we think, why can't he/she do this. We are not only powerless over someone else's addiction, but people, places and things, too. Just because we want someone to do what we want them to do doesn't mean they will. We have to allow the addict the dignity to make their own choices, for good and for ill.

Yes, it's awful your AXH left after an hour without a word. As for why he did it, I don't know. But what I'm saying is the "why" doesn't matter. The only thing that you have control over is your actions and behavior. And we can retrain our brains, with practice, to react differently to situations that get us upset. So, work on you. Protect your son.

And, if you haven't already, I suggest you find a Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting local to you.

Best of Luck...
ZoSo