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Caught my fiance using agian

Old 02-18-2012, 11:49 AM
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Caught my fiance using agian

Hello my name is Vanessa and I myself is an addict to meth.
My one year sober date was 2-11-12 and that morning I returned home from work to find a broken pen with meth residue on the inside ( a common tool used to smoke meth out of a light bulb) laying on the table. Surprisingly this wasn't a trigger for me but I was irate with my fiance and confronted him. He denied everything for over a day, I gave him back the ring and called off the wedding. Slowly he admitted to using, and I have been trying to forgive him for it. Today he went to the store and left behind his cell phone, and I went through his text messages ( some may say I am wrong but if he had nothing to hide it wouldn't be a problem) I found a message to a friend of his asking if he had a piece because "the bulb sux" then quite a few other incriminating messages. I have not yet confronted him but I plan on doing so I just don't know how.
I know how hard addiction is but the fact that he continues to lie to me and refuses to get help is unacceptable. I love him with all my heart but at times I wonder if he is just my newest addiction.....
To make this situation more difficult we are expecting our second son in June.

Any words of inspirations or hope would be so comforting, but don't be afraid to give me the cold hard truth.

Thank you
Vanessa
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:19 PM
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Vanessa,
So many of us have been down the road of addiction & codependency.You are not alone.SR helped me IMMENSELY when I felt that I was.And yes,some of them gave me
the "cold hard truth".....but in a caring and logical way so that it didn't feel like an attack
or judgement.
What I have learned is that addiction is one mean and vicious animal.My fave posters are: outolunch,anvilhead,and hope2be ---real authentic wisdom there!!!
The cold,hard truth is that we are all human,and we all fall short.These substances let
us defer/avoid the unavoidable....finding out your secret crush doesn't like you,a child born with a chronic illness,or just being 'bored with life'.But there is a horrifying price to pay.....one that noone would pay if posted upfront.
Before I got involved in my personal mess (codie for an oxy/heroin addict) I felt safe
and secure in my comfy view that addicts are worthless,weak,and not worth the bother.
Now I know different.Now I know they are human beings---as worthy and wonderful and
as full of potential as any other.But this dreadful illness makes that hard to see---b.c.o. the behaviors and non-stop lying,etc.
The lesson I have taken away from this is that even though the addict I was trying to help is broke,no car,no home,living out of a spiderhole with a hard-time felon (and she is on her way back to do a serious stretch of time soon)---I will
never speak ill of her.
She is a human being.Her dignity is sacrosanct.I will not fall into the trap of seeing HER and HER ADDICTION as one and the same.However,I cannot run and put cash in her
hands anymore....it is an affront to her human dignity.
The takeaway from all this?
Save yourself.You cannot save him.Only HE can do that.It took alot of time and ALOT of SR wisdom to get that through MY thick head.

There are alot of good people here.Listen to them.

Vale

YOU ARE WORTHY.CONGRATS ON YOUR ONE YEAR OF SOBRIETY.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:44 PM
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Thank you,

I confronted him and he says that he had sum and was going to do it but got rid of it before he came home... needless to say I don't believe him and he knows it.
Leaving is the hardest choice but I know in my heart that it is best for my recovery and for our children...
i just don't want to, I love him and feel as if I need him but if the meth is more important to him than me and our family I really have no choice, I just don't know how to do this.
Giving up my first love which was meth was so hard but I have done it and will never go back, no matter what. Many say one day at a time but that's not long enough for this addict.
This all hurts so much.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:49 PM
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As a recovering addict you know that he is not using at you. It's not personal although it sure does feel that way, at times. You probably also know that he's lying to protect and sustain his addiction. Well enough about him.

That broken pen could have been tossed anywhere, including some place your child could access. Active addicts are not competent to parent because the drug always comes first. Not exposing yourself and your children to someone in active addiction is sound parenting and a healthy boundary.

Boundaries are established to protect ourselves and children and do not seek to control other people. " I will not expose myself or children to someone in active addiction" is a boundary. " You will stop using and seek treatment, or else..." is an attempt to control him. Which approach do you think is more effective at ensuring you and your children are protected?

There is nothing you can do or say that is going to cause him to seek sobriety or compel him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of are.

You are living proof that recovery is 100% an inside job. Congratulations on your one year mark and for the courage to put your own wellbeing and that of your children before all else. Know that posting your story is an inspiration to others.
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:03 PM
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outtolunch......hands down the wisest voice on SR.

Powerful,undistilled,life changing wisdom
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Old 02-18-2012, 02:00 PM
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The Glindas

Just 4 years ago, I stumbled upon this forum looking for new ways to control my adult daughter, given her release from her third back to back rehab was just around the corner. At the time, I thought several posters were off their rockers cause they kept yapping about my recovery. I thought they were confused because I am not a drug addict, just a mom who was OBSESSED with doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to snap my daughter out of her addiction.

My own ego was so bloated, at the time, I KNEW I was different and had the power within me to beat her addiction. I was repeatedly hitting bottoms and just kept digging deeper and rationalizing it all, along the way. As it it went on, I nearly bankrupted myself financially, emotionally and physically fighting a battle that in hindsight, was not mine to fight.

I began reading the stickies and then the back stories, thousands of posts looking for answers. What I learned from a Compilation of Glindas ( the good witch in Oz) was that I had the power all along- the power to control the only thing that was controllable, my reaction. Thus began my journey towards letting go of my hopeful fantasies that I could control my daughter's choices and life. The more I let go of my hopeful fantasy, the more I reclaimed control over my own life.

I am forever grateful to the many Glindas who post on this forum.
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Old 02-18-2012, 09:37 PM
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As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, I had to walk away from my addict/alcoholic husband (whose drug of choice was meth, as was mine).

I have never regretted that decision.

Sending you hugs of support.
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