Having the Talk Today
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Having the Talk Today
I've actually spoken to my adult son about several concerns (of an enabling nature) with my son already, but the talk about what happens if his moving in with his girlfriend doesn't work out and he wants to leave has not occurred (yet). I talked to my husband and I suggested he be the one to discuss this possible future scenario. He said he would say something along the lines of "Son, if for some reason you discover that living with your girlfriend is not working out as you had desired, then be prepared to come up with what you are going to do." No discussion about Plan B not being in our home, though. He doesn't want to "close the door" on his coming back home. "What if he comes to realize that his girlfriend is wacko and he is in a dangerous situation? Would you say no to him coming home then?"
So, what is my response to that? I'm just so afraid that should our son come back home (and if he continues with his present lack of working, contributing, with his girlfriend I can see her getting tired of that situation very soon) we will be back to where we left off--right where we are now.
So, what is my response to that? I'm just so afraid that should our son come back home (and if he continues with his present lack of working, contributing, with his girlfriend I can see her getting tired of that situation very soon) we will be back to where we left off--right where we are now.
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You're probably right that it would be the same thing as where you left off. If your son is an adult, he should be acting like an adult, which means having a job, paying his bills, and being responsible. If that isn't happening now, why would it change if he is allowed to move back to your home? He will take advantage and mooch off of people as long as they allow him to. As he burns his bridges, at some point, he'll have to make some changes, but, why should he if he knows he has a place to go where he can continue to be taken care of?
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I went up to my son's room (he's laying on his bed, doing absolutely nothing which has been his usual activity during the past seven months he's lived here) and said "Son, I am really hopeful that you and your girlfriend are going to be very happy together, but I want to talk about what happens if things don't go well, what you will do then?"
He said he didn't want to think about it not working out. "I know you want it to all work out, but things happen and I want to know what you would do if things don't work out." "What Mom, what do you want me to say?" I told him I wanted him to have a plan in case it doesn't go well and that I didn't want him to think he could just come back home and pick up where he left off like the past seven months have been. He then said, "Okay, Mom." I walked out of his room.
I sure hope I was clear enough what my expectations are!
He said he didn't want to think about it not working out. "I know you want it to all work out, but things happen and I want to know what you would do if things don't work out." "What Mom, what do you want me to say?" I told him I wanted him to have a plan in case it doesn't go well and that I didn't want him to think he could just come back home and pick up where he left off like the past seven months have been. He then said, "Okay, Mom." I walked out of his room.
I sure hope I was clear enough what my expectations are!
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Originally Posted by kmangel 
He said he didn't want to think about it.....
And so long as someone does indeed come to the rescue, nothing changes.
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Thanks Chino. It seems I'm the only one here that is willing to take a stand.
I'd really like for my husband and me to talk to our son about these important matters, but every time I suggest it, it has fallen on deaf ears. It irritates me that once again I'm the one to step up to the plate. The only thing my husband has left to do is get the car keys off our son. He shouldn't have them since he has a suspended license through next November. Why am I the only one to see that our son driving our car is unacceptable? I did tell our son this week to no longer drive the car, but I didn't take the keys away (which I could have, but I would like to see my husband do one thing in this whole mess). Well, we'll see if he'll get the keys from our son or not. I'm not holding my breath.
I'd really like for my husband and me to talk to our son about these important matters, but every time I suggest it, it has fallen on deaf ears. It irritates me that once again I'm the one to step up to the plate. The only thing my husband has left to do is get the car keys off our son. He shouldn't have them since he has a suspended license through next November. Why am I the only one to see that our son driving our car is unacceptable? I did tell our son this week to no longer drive the car, but I didn't take the keys away (which I could have, but I would like to see my husband do one thing in this whole mess). Well, we'll see if he'll get the keys from our son or not. I'm not holding my breath.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
This is chronic immaturity and implies that someone will come to the rescue. Millions of parents/people are dealing with this and it has nothing to do with addiction.
And so long as someone does indeed come to the rescue, nothing changes.
And so long as someone does indeed come to the rescue, nothing changes.
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kmangle, I've so been there done that so so so many times with my AS. For me, I've found it helps (me) to 'not cross bridges before I get to them', because I cause myself a lot of unnecessary pain by doing so. My AS has moved in with various roommates, girlfriends, etc., and it never, and I do mean NEVER works. It doesn't take them long to get fed up with him mooching, not paying his share, not working, wreaking havoc, making a gosh-awful mess and not cleaning it up, etc. And my AS always came back. It was always so very hard for both me and my other non-addict son to even consider turning him away. After all, I had the house, had the extra bedroom, etc. How could I justify turning my own son away? I couldn't. And I didn't. And I live in pure hell for so many years. My weakness, or misunderstanding/misconceptions only served to enable my AS to continue using.
For me, I had to do what I could live with, and hopefully if the worst case happens, I will be able to live with myself. My AS kept coming back. First, my 'normal' son left, moved out and didn't tell his brother where he moved to. Good choice. And (this is the very short version) in a drastic attempt to save myself and any sanity I might have left, I moved out of my home of nearly 18 years, and left my AS in it. Obviously mine was an extreme case and certainly not the solution for most people, but it was the only workable solution I was able to find. And it's been 6 months since I've been out, and I've been mentally and emotionally healthier than I have since before my son started using, which is about 16 years now.
The keys to the car - when my AS had mine, I didn't bother "asking" for what was mine, I simply walked in his room and took them. But the house wasn't so easy. I don't think he ever even was able to keep up with his house key, lol. Turning him away from the front door, and making it stick? I guess I was never that strong.
Being on here has helped me understand that our ALO's hear our actions, not our words. I sincerely wish you the best, as my heart goes out to you.
For me, I had to do what I could live with, and hopefully if the worst case happens, I will be able to live with myself. My AS kept coming back. First, my 'normal' son left, moved out and didn't tell his brother where he moved to. Good choice. And (this is the very short version) in a drastic attempt to save myself and any sanity I might have left, I moved out of my home of nearly 18 years, and left my AS in it. Obviously mine was an extreme case and certainly not the solution for most people, but it was the only workable solution I was able to find. And it's been 6 months since I've been out, and I've been mentally and emotionally healthier than I have since before my son started using, which is about 16 years now.
The keys to the car - when my AS had mine, I didn't bother "asking" for what was mine, I simply walked in his room and took them. But the house wasn't so easy. I don't think he ever even was able to keep up with his house key, lol. Turning him away from the front door, and making it stick? I guess I was never that strong.
Being on here has helped me understand that our ALO's hear our actions, not our words. I sincerely wish you the best, as my heart goes out to you.
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KuanYin, I don't want to have what happened in your life happen here--not any longer anyway.
I've always been the stronger one in my marriage. When our son was a teenager I could see that he was making some very poor choices and I wanted to set down boundaries then, but my husband would tell me I only wanted to punish our son. I didn't want to punish him--I wanted to make him responsible for what he was doing--taking the car key away from him when he would come in drunk as a teenager was a logical consequence of bad choices our son was making, but my husband refused to support me in setting boundaries with consequences so things were allowed to get worse and worse.
My husband did ask for the car key last night, but not because he wanted to. I had to insist that he get the key from our son. After he did it I told him that taking the key was sending a message to our son. He was angry with me, though, for wanting him to ask for the key back. I don't understand why he doesn't see our son having access to a car that we own is not acceptable to a person without a job and suspended license.
Our son is moving out so for the time being we will watch what transpires.
I've always been the stronger one in my marriage. When our son was a teenager I could see that he was making some very poor choices and I wanted to set down boundaries then, but my husband would tell me I only wanted to punish our son. I didn't want to punish him--I wanted to make him responsible for what he was doing--taking the car key away from him when he would come in drunk as a teenager was a logical consequence of bad choices our son was making, but my husband refused to support me in setting boundaries with consequences so things were allowed to get worse and worse.
My husband did ask for the car key last night, but not because he wanted to. I had to insist that he get the key from our son. After he did it I told him that taking the key was sending a message to our son. He was angry with me, though, for wanting him to ask for the key back. I don't understand why he doesn't see our son having access to a car that we own is not acceptable to a person without a job and suspended license.
Our son is moving out so for the time being we will watch what transpires.
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kamngel,
just a bit of thought on your statement :I don't understand why he doesn't see our son having access to a car that we own is not acceptable to a person without a job and suspended license.
The part about the license is an issue, love or enbabling or anything you call it I have been there. It becomes a legal issue if something happens while the car is in use with an unlicensed driver to "whoever the car is registered" too. I sadly found this out. I knew nothing of the issue that happened, I knew nothing of the fact a person my son lent the car too had no license. Yet since the car was in my name and the person had no license, I got in the situation and had to appear in court. My insurance could have suffered greatly. I do not want to think what could have happened if the unlicensed person had hit and killed someone. Insurance does not cover if you allow a person without a license to use the car. Unless it is stolen.
just a bit of thought on your statement :I don't understand why he doesn't see our son having access to a car that we own is not acceptable to a person without a job and suspended license.
The part about the license is an issue, love or enbabling or anything you call it I have been there. It becomes a legal issue if something happens while the car is in use with an unlicensed driver to "whoever the car is registered" too. I sadly found this out. I knew nothing of the issue that happened, I knew nothing of the fact a person my son lent the car too had no license. Yet since the car was in my name and the person had no license, I got in the situation and had to appear in court. My insurance could have suffered greatly. I do not want to think what could have happened if the unlicensed person had hit and killed someone. Insurance does not cover if you allow a person without a license to use the car. Unless it is stolen.
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