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The guilty feeling of leaving an opiate addict..

Old 02-18-2012, 08:07 AM
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The guilty feeling of leaving an opiate addict..

Hello! My story will probably be similar to alot of people here. I started dating my boyfriend around a year ago and he said the famous lines, " i have been using for two years, but I am 100% clean now". So I believed him.. why would I have any doubts?. I was very naive about the whole drug scene, never done it, never knew anyone who did. Our relationship was wonderful, felt like a fairy tale. He treated me like a princess and made me feel so special. I cannot bash him in that sense, he loved me unconditionally and I thought we would spend our whole lives together. I found my "soul mate". He started acting weird, and I started questioning him.. But when I did, " Baby how can you even say that?, I would never do that and hurt our relationship, why don't you trust me?".. So I believed him. I loved the man and thought he would never, ever lie to me. One day, I found out he's been using, for a FACT. I confronted him and as all addicts do, pleaded and cried that he will "stop", and give him another chance and he's sorry for manipulating me and it's not personal. So I did. I was the most supportive girlfriend, my life was put on hold. I would never judge him or bash him, we would always talk about everything and his journey towards recovery. He said he didn't need any treatment & can do it on his own. Time continued and I felt like our fairy tale was continuing.. Found out AGAIN, hes been using and stole a large sum amount of money from family members. Then goes the speech again, " Baby, I am a bad person, I don't deserve to have you", " Please stay, and help me, I NEED YOU". These words break my heart, how can I leave a man who's sick?, a man who I love with everything in my body?. So I decided to stay and told him this is the last chance and he better get clean and go to rehab. He was going.. until he went to jail for stealing money a few weeks later. I was shocked and hurt and felt numb.. who the **** was this person? Do I know him?.. He called me from jail numerous times, i finally picked up and had the courage to end the relationship with tears and all. I told him maybe there can be a future for us if he is clean and his actions speak louder than words. Everything was fine in that conversation, he said he will do everything and anything to stay clean to not lose me and we will be together one day. After that conversation, didn't hear from him for a few days. I feel so hurt and upset, I feel guilty for breaking up with him during his biggest struggles, but I know I did the right thing. I feel guilty for leaving him, I feel bad for abandoning him. If it was me, I know he wouldn't have left me. I wish he can call me and I can at least hear his voice and hear how hes doing.. I don't understand why he stopped calling? I told him Id be there for him as a friend.. Im so hurt, my feelings have taken over my entire body and soul..

Please provide some insight, I need it very bad
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by lonelysad239 View Post

who the **** was this person? Do I know him?..
The hopeful fantasy of a man you need/want him to be versus someone in active addiction who commits felony crimes to sustain his addiction.....

Please know that there is absolutely nothing you can say or do, or not, that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. Recovery is an inside job. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Please consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More. You can find a used copy at Amazon or in your local library.
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:19 AM
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I am sorry for your hurt, Lonely. Here are a few lines from a Nar-Anon booklet that may help. The booklet is titled "An Open Letter to My Family" (from any drug addict):

"Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me from keeping them, even though I mean them at the time."

"Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you."

"Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself."

"Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues."

My guess is that in jail he is already setting up connections to use the moment he has opportunity. That is what is on his mind most of the time. Not his relationship with you.

And, Lonely, if as you mentioned, the situation was reversed and you were the drug addict and, as you believe, he would not have abandoned you in your addiction.....in that scenario, as your enabler, he would have helped you to your death by agreeing to live with you in your active addiction.

You have done the right thing. Can you find a meeting for yourself to get some support?
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by lonelysad239 View Post
i finally picked up and had the courage to end the relationship with tears and all. I told him maybe there can be a future for us if he is clean and his actions speak louder than words. Everything was fine in that conversation, he said he will do everything and anything to stay clean to not lose me and we will be together one day. After that conversation, didn't hear from him for a few days. I feel so hurt and upset, I feel guilty for breaking up with him during his biggest struggles, but I know I did the right thing. I feel guilty for leaving him, I feel bad for abandoning him. If it was me, I know he wouldn't have left me. I wish he can call me and I can at least hear his voice and hear how hes doing.. I don't understand why he stopped calling? I told him Id be there for him as a friend.. Im so hurt, my feelings have taken over my entire body and soul..

Please provide some insight, I need it very bad
If nothing else happened after that conversation, is it at all possible he's taking a bit of time to get things together?
Maybe he's sick as hell from detoxing? That's the first thing I'd think about.

You told him you would be there as a friend. Why not call him and ask how he is?

As far as feeling guilty for abandoning him...I'd gently suggest not to get pulled in by that thought. It really doesn't sound like you did that at all.
Actually, I'd say it sounds like you've done the opposite.
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