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Accepting Letting Go

Old 01-29-2012, 05:01 PM
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PLM
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Accepting Letting Go

When did you find yourself ready to let go? I know it's taken me longer then it should. My now husband developed an addiction to pain pills over a year ago. He, like addicts do, lied and stole thousands of dollars from me. It will be years before I will financially recover. Despite everything, I stuck by him, stayed when he threatened suicide and berated me. Stayed when he was so sick he couldn't get out of bed. Stayed when he brought heroin into my home. I tried to stay out of his way, eventually he came to me in tears and said he wanted help. And so, i stayed as he went to the doctor and was put on suboxone. I watched as he returned to the person i fell in love with, we got married, and i was so so happy. And things were wonderful...i thought for months. And then, when i thought everything was perfect and our lives were on track...i found the needles again. He crashed our car again. He shattered my trust...again. And it wasn't just the needles, it was all the lies that came with it. The random girls, and although i believe he physically never cheated...the online affairs were absolutely devestating. And now here i am, still a newlywed and realizing all my energy goes towards wondering what he's doing and with who. Praying he stays clean, hoping he's not talking to other women. And i realize this is no life, and if i want to look at myself in the mirror, i have no choices left. I know I have to leave and let him deal with his own demons. I don't know why it took so long for me to have the strength to demand better and to know that love isn't enough. Why do we do this to ourselves? When did you guys decide it was enough? and is it pathetic that theres still a part of me, a larger part then i want to admit, that wants nothing more then for him to somehow fix everything and be the person i fell in love with? I don't want to leave, it's the last thing in the world i want...this is my only choice though isn't it?
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted by PLM View Post
When did you find yourself ready to let go? I know it's taken me longer then it should. My now husband developed an addiction to pain pills over a year ago. He, like addicts do, lied and stole thousands of dollars from me. It will be years before I will financially recover. Despite everything, I stuck by him, stayed when he threatened suicide and berated me. Stayed when he was so sick he couldn't get out of bed. Stayed when he brought heroin into my home. I tried to stay out of his way, eventually he came to me in tears and said he wanted help. And so, i stayed as he went to the doctor and was put on suboxone. I watched as he returned to the person i fell in love with, we got married, and i was so so happy. And things were wonderful...i thought for months. And then, when i thought everything was perfect and our lives were on track...i found the needles again. He crashed our car again. He shattered my trust...again. And it wasn't just the needles, it was all the lies that came with it. The random girls, and although i believe he physically never cheated...the online affairs were absolutely devestating. And now here i am, still a newlywed and realizing all my energy goes towards wondering what he's doing and with who. Praying he stays clean, hoping he's not talking to other women. And i realize this is no life, and if i want to look at myself in the mirror, i have no choices left. I know I have to leave and let him deal with his own demons. I don't know why it took so long for me to have the strength to demand better and to know that love isn't enough. Why do we do this to ourselves? When did you guys decide it was enough? and is it pathetic that theres still a part of me, a larger part then i want to admit, that wants nothing more then for him to somehow fix everything and be the person i fell in love with? I don't want to leave, it's the last thing in the world i want...this is my only choice though isn't it?
Hi. Welcome to the board. I'm fairly new myself, but I empathize with your pain. So do a lot of the other people here. You're going to find the level of kindness and support you'll receive here is a tremendous comfort.

My only advice that I will give you today is to find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting and begin the process of taking care of you. You will soon appreciate that regarding your husband's illness, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Everyone is different here. We've all had different points where we've decided to stay with our addict or leave, so I can't tell you what's best for you. What I can encourage you to do, however, is figure out what's best for you. And you made a great first step coming here.

Be safe. I'll be thinking of you tonight.

Zoso
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:24 PM
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I stayed with my ExAB a year longer than I should have...however it must have been necessary for me to get to where Im at today or I would have left sooner.

It's only been 3 weeks and I went from being mac and now I'm sad. Like grieving someone's death.
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:31 PM
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It is like a death. But i feel like I've been watching him die all year. He went from this successful, funny and energetic man to a shell of himself. I barely recognize him, still wake up each day hoping for the person i knew to be there instead.

Thank you for the support...it's just nice to be in a place where people understand what I'm going through.
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Old 01-29-2012, 06:52 PM
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I had a dream that he actually let go of my hand and disappeared. It is hard to accept. My addict was my love of my life and we had a 3 year old. Divorce was not in my vocab, but it happened. Its soo painful. It gets better, but I still have my bad days. I'm trying to focus on me and my son and have realized that we deserve better. This world is so big and life is so short...there is so much out there to do and see. Don't know if this helps. Take care of you. He is an addict. Blessings.
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Old 01-29-2012, 07:42 PM
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PLM I'm here to talk just send me direct message anytime.

It is very sad that someone we love so much hates themselves so badly and has so many demons that alcohol is their answer right now. There is nothing we can say or do to see the light. The only thing we can control is ourselves and if we children taking care of them.

I remind my self often if there is anything someone could say or do to get me to stop a behavior that was harmful to my self (mine is negative self talk). The answer is no. It's nice to have support once I decided to make some positive changes in my life. The key words here are ONCE I DECIDED..
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