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Bf possib. relapse after less than wk out of drug tx

Old 01-29-2012, 01:50 PM
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Unhappy Bf possib. relapse after less than wk out of drug tx

I have a boyfriend 23 rs old who I was with for two years. He wasn't an addict (or active user maybe is the term, because he admitted experimenting when he was younger) for the first year that we were together. We got engaged at the end of that first year and things seemed amazing he had hurt his back at work a couple months prior and had to take pain pills sometimes but i didnt think much of it. Then in January 2011 he had a panic attack at work which then lead him to go visit friends in his hometown of Vancouver, WA which is about 4 hours south of me. During this visit he ended up slipping up and using heroin with a close friend down there. He said that taking the pain pills gave him a strong desire to try something stronger; it was then I found out he had been abusing the pain pills. The next couple months went smooth and i had no suspicion of him using again. We went on a trip to the ocean in May 2011 which was so wonderful for us, and after this trip i noticed changes in him. He disappeared often and random new friend names were popping up of people I have never met. He eventually admitted he slipped again. It went from this situation to him trying out meth at his parents house (where he lived) and feeling like he overdosed so went to the hospital. His parents kicked him out after that and so I gave him a place to live for a month. He then got his own apartment where the drug use continued to a point where he got a 3 day notice to vacate and this brought suicide thoughts upon him to where he OD'd on Wellbutrin one night. All these events together gave him a bottom he had reached and so he admitted himself to a mental health hospital where he was treated for suicide and also an opportunity to detox for a week. He then was transferred to a 21 day drug treatment center where I thought he did really well and realized a lot he couldnt see before when he was high. I came to visit on saturdays and brought him socks/shirts etc. if he needed them. He seemed like a changed person to me, and I thought this could be a new start for him. We had hours of great conversation and I felt very much happy and in love. When it came to the day of discharge my mom and I picked him up and took him right to a meeting, because his plan was 90/90 meetings and counseling. We had a great day and evening we went out to dinner and watched movies and it seemed great. The next morning I approached him about going to a meeting and he said that "he didnt think he needed to go to meetings." So I thought that was kind of a red flag, but then he went on to say that we should break up....that he needed time to take care of himself and had nothing to give. This was last Saturday and since then he has disappeared down to Vancouver, Wa again where he has 2 friends that are recreational users. He wont call me or text me and has deleted me as a friend from facebook. I feel very cheated because all I have done is tried to be there for him and I envisioned this whole tx experience to be successful for him. I have no clue what he is up to or why he wont talk to me? My suspicion is a relapse...but I am very shocked that it could happen so quickly. And now Im just left here alone, traumatized without any type of closure from him. Is this normal behavior? Because right now I feel very used and hurt. I have been attending al-anon meetings to try and take care of me, but what hope do i have for him? Thanks for any help you can give......
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Old 01-29-2012, 02:08 PM
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Three weeks ago, my now ex AGF dumped me via text message for another guy in the program. Ten days prior to that, she wanted to marry me. Messed up, huh? I've forced myself to give up trying to understand how mercurial addicts can be. I do believe, however, your BF was right when he said he had nothing to give. He, like my ex, operates from an emotional deficit and his eyes only look in one direction: inward. At this moment in time, he is not capable of gratitude. Nor is he is not capable of empathy. Yes, it's frustrating for you, as it was for me.

I'm very pleased that you are in Al Anon. That's a strong move. As far as "hope" for him, here's my take.

You have to understand that whether you're in his life or not, he's going to do what's he's going to do. So, as best you can, you have accept that and detach with love, as they say. In my case, it's a little easier than yours because I have no desire to have her back. But I still pray for her every day, asking God to protect her and keep her safe. Believe it or not, that helps. I would also pay very close attention to what you hear in Al Anon. Our feelings are our feelings. And, yes, the pain of losing someone is awful. But it's not going to kill us. If anything, I would look at this as an opportunity for you to strengthen yourself and do things for you that you ordinarily wouldn't do. And when in doubt, go back and read the sticky called "What Addicts Do". Because that's what you're up against.

So, pray for him. Feel compassion in your heart for him. Understand that you're going to have good days and not-so-good days. And, somehow, keep moving forward. Believe it or not (and it's hard to believe sometimes), you're going to be OK.
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Old 01-29-2012, 02:15 PM
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He's not done using yet. That is the simple truth. You are getting in the way of him being able to use whenever he wants without having to explain anything to you.

I know it hurts and you feel used and hurt, but he is just an addict doing what addicts do. Nothing is more important to them than being able to use. I know it feels personal, but it's not. He would do the same to anyone. You don't realize it now, but he really has done you a huge favor.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Many of us have been through the same thing, so we understand. Take the time to read the "stickie" posts at the top of this forum. You'll find a lot of helpful information there. Please stick around and post often. It will help.
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:06 PM
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He is not in recovery, he is and will use again. Since he has broken up with you I would consider this to be a blessing for you. Go with it, move on, he is not marriage material.

Go no contact, block his number, block him from facebook, let him go.
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Old 01-29-2012, 08:03 PM
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Take some time and read though various posts. Some R addicts are open enough to share some things from their prospective which offered me great insight. Truly an appreciated gift.

The cycle of addict insanity will wear you down to a nub. This was a blessing.
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:24 PM
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This was written by Jon a recovering addict, that started this site years ago. It is at the top of the ''Stickys" at the top of this forum:

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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This was written by another of our members and is also in that 'sticky': Nightsd

I'm an addict and was addicted to heroin myself for years.

I remember lying to my boyfriend about my use. Everything I ever told him about my use was a lie.

Know this: from my own experience, addicts do not lie because they somehow get a sick pleasure from manipulating others. That simply isn't the case. We lie for one reason, and one reason only, and that is so we could continue to get high.

I felt terrible after I lied to my boyfriend about my use. I felt like the scum of the earth. But I was so incredibly hooked I had convinced myself that living without heroin would have made everything worse.

You see, here's the thing about us "manipulative" addicts. We aren't just lying and manipulating those around us. Were lying and manipulating ourselves. Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.

That said, I don't think your boyfriend will be able to stop any time soon. I truly believe that most heroin addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use. Most addicts need the immediate decision to quit to be made for them by their circumstances, like homelessness.

Your boyfriend is on the titanic. Whether you want to stay on the sinking ship with him or not is truly up to you. But as long as you don't use and as long as you don't enable him to use you shouldn't be harming him or yourself. You could actually be one of the few positive people in his life. He will never be able to quit for your sake. That is not to make him sound selfish. Most addicts can't even quit for their own sake.

You have to decide for yourself what to do. I've never met either of you. As a recovering addict myself, I don't think I could stay with an addict. The disease is too selfish. As much as he wishes he could, he will not be able to give you the amount of attention he feels he needs to give to heroin right now. Hopefully if you choose to leave him, it will make his descent towards his bottom much faster so he can quit soon.

Addiction is pretty selfish, but not by choice. I have been reading this forum a lot, and a lot of you relatives/spouses of addicts seem to think that we addicts gain some sick pleasure from lying, manipulating, and stealing from you. From my own experience, I hated doing all of those things. And I never do any of those things now that I'm sober. But in my addiction, I truly felt like I didn't even had a choice. I was convinced that if I didn't use I would die, somehow. So please don't demonize us. Addicts are going through our own personal, unique hell that by the grace of god you will never have to experience for yourselves.
So as others have said, he gave you a very PRECIOUS GIFT. The GIFT of RELEASE and FREEDOM.

Addicts and alcoholics, do NOT get into relationships, they take HOSTAGES.

So, keep posting on how you are doing, as you will continue to find great support here.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:11 PM
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It must feel terrible, but I too believe this is a blessing in disguise. Don't look back. Do whatever you can to move on. He has done you a huge favor. Try not to feel rejected and just be glad you will not be drug down that path (no pun intended).
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