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Trying to Move Forward After Betrayal

Old 01-24-2012, 08:46 AM
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Trying to Move Forward After Betrayal

Man, I've learned a lot here already.

My ex AGF has a sadistic side. It wasn't enough for her to break up via text message. She had to send a picture of her and her new BF in the process. And now I understand that's both her addiction and the BPD talking. She's very, very sick.

I just removed the last of our photographs from my computer this morning. I hesitated for maybe a split second before I hit the delete button...don't want any visual reminders at all.

How do people move forward from such a betrayal?
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Old 01-24-2012, 09:09 AM
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Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe realize that knowing her true colors makes you a lucky person. That new guy now gets to deal with her illnesses and you are free. I know it doesn't seem like such a good thing right now, but in time, you'll see that she actually did you a favor.
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Old 01-24-2012, 09:41 AM
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think you allow yourself a bit of time to go through a range of emotions: sadness, anger, regret, grief, and then you forgive. *Forgive her because she is sick, forgive yourself because no doubt there will be something that you feel guilty about.
And then you just let it go.

Be proud that you allowed yourself to love, realize that you have gained strength and wisdom from this experience, and carry this knowledge into your next relationship. Most important, don't let this experience harden your heart. *Don't give up on love
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Old 01-24-2012, 10:10 AM
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What blows my mind is the speed and the viciousness of her actions. I seriously underestimated her ability to be cruel, to be unrepentant, to lie to my face about things. There is no remorse. There never will be, either.

What's hard is not feeding the anger. I have to catch myself if I start doing that, and when I do catch myself doing that, I try to replace that anger with compassion. And it's so darn hard. I spent the better part of a year trying to be a solid support. And while I admit I didn't always do the best thing for her or myself, my heart was always in the right place. Now, looking back at the price I've paid for trying to be a solid support, it simply wasn't worth it. I made a horrible miscalculation.

It's funny how I can mourn something when, in reality, I'm relieved she's gone. She's not a sociopath, but she behaves like one even though she hasn't picked up in 10 months. So, yeah, pictures deleted. The items that she left in my house were thrown out. Phone number blocked...
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Old 01-24-2012, 11:07 AM
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How do people move forward from such a betrayal?
Time. It just takes time. It's hard not to feel resentment when there is a major betrayal. Resentment for all the time, effort and emotional investment put toward this person and.....POOF. No remorse but instead mean spirited actions.

As was mentioned by KellyF, you deal with all of the emotion. You recognize it, acknowledge it and then......using the compassion that you are practicing.....you forgive and move on.

Forgiveness isn't necessarily for the other person. We are not condoning their actions by forgiving......we are allowing ourselves the freedom and joy to move on and no longer allow those actions to hurt us.

But it takes time.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-24-2012, 11:15 AM
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zoso -- this all just happened a few days ago! You are doing amazingly well, but give yourself some time to grieve and feel the feelings associated with that. I wish it were as easy as deleting a few photographs and blocking numbers, but it's a much longer process than that. Everyone's different, but when I'm going thru a particulary rough patch I do things like go to church more often, meditate, read, re-connect with old friends and commune with nature. Just do more of what works for you and continue working on that compassion and forgiveness. Yes, there will be waves of anger and hositility but they will subside. (((Hugs)))
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
zoso -- this all just happened a few days ago! You are doing amazingly well, but give yourself some time to grieve and feel the feelings associated with that. I wish it were as easy as deleting a few photographs and blocking numbers, but it's a much longer process than that. Everyone's different, but when I'm going thru a particulary rough patch I do things like go to church more often, meditate, read, re-connect with old friends and commune with nature. Just do more of what works for you and continue working on that compassion and forgiveness. Yes, there will be waves of anger and hositility but they will subside. (((Hugs)))
What amazes me is her utter lack of self awareness.

2011 was, in short, a nightmare that touched every aspect of my own life: graduate school, my career, my relationships with other people in my life. And it doesn't even faze her, for example, that I've had to put off my last two courses in graduate school. It doesn't faze her that I've had to miss time from work to deal with her various crisises. And if I'm wrong and she is aware, then she simply doesn't care.

And that's what angers me the most. There is no acknowledgement, or gratitude, for what was a good faith effort on my part. And there never will be because she simply isn't capable. Her eyes only look in one direction: inward.

In one way, I'm so relieved she's gone because I can now return to the things in my life that matter to me without distraction. On the other hand, though, I'm empty. Does that make sense?
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:59 PM
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Yep, she sounds like a classic BPD! Have you checked out bpdcentral message board? You might find it very helpful. I know it sometimes feels like you're going crazy yourself because they are SO egocentric, but yet intelligent and high-functioning. But LORDY they cannot have healthy relationships if their lives depended on it! My daughter has had several months of residential treatment and is doing well, but for a long while it felt like I was suffering from PTSD. Maybe that accounts for your "empty" feeling?
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Old 01-24-2012, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Yep, she sounds like a classic BPD! Have you checked out bpdcentral message board? You might find it very helpful. I know it sometimes feels like you're going crazy yourself because they are SO egocentric, but yet intelligent and high-functioning. But LORDY they cannot have healthy relationships if their lives depended on it! My daughter has had several months of residential treatment and is doing well, but for a long while it felt like I was suffering from PTSD. Maybe that accounts for your "empty" feeling?
Well, the emptiness is largely due (I think) to my investment was genuine and full, and when it was dismissed in the manner it was, I felt like I had nothing left. I think, when dealing with her, the BPD/addiction behavior is one in the same, because she literally can't acknowledge the lengths that I went to for her. And if she did acknowledge, it was with selfish motives.

As much as this hurts, I'm relieved that it's over. Because she wasn't playing fair, and she never will play fair. I mean, what kind of person admits, with pride, that she slept with two other men while living with me? It's so antithetical to my own values, and I don't want anyone like that in my life.

I will pray for her. I will continue to work on showing compassion for her, even though I'm very angry. But as far as letting her back into my life, that ain't gonna happen.

As far as the BPD board, no, I haven't gone. Perhaps I should? Thank you for that information.
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