My pink sparkly blanket
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
My pink sparkly blanket
Hi all,
Just came back from my second Al-Anon meeting. Posting this because I had an experience I thought might help someone even newer in Al-Anon than I.
The topic for today was detachment. The members shared on what they did, personally, to help them detach.
The group leader read from Courage to Change, January 22: "With my Higher Power's help, I will keep a loving blanket of detachment with me. I will cover my loved ones with it, whether or not they struggle from a disease, keeping in mind that when I am dealing with other human beings, I am dealing with children of God."
As I said, I am new to the program, and my first thought when I heard that: "I need that blanket for myself."
I didn't personally get to share, which was fine--as a newcomer, I have no clear understanding of what it means to detach with love.
However, as I was driving home, my Higher Power placed an image in my mind that works for me perfectly.
My 15-year-old son is coming home from rehab on Thursday. There are new house rules in effect, and he is super pissed about them.
It's gonna be a rough ride for a bit, probably, until he gets used to them--and when he feels threatened and out of control, he is verbally abusive.
His abuse makes me feel scared and hurt--not a good place to come from when you're trying to be loving, but not enabling.
But here's the image my HP gifted me with. When he gets abusive, I can cover myself with my own blanket of detachment.
The blanket is light, warm, pink and--get this--it has sparkles. When I hold this image, I feel safe and warm and loved.
Just as important, wrapping myself in that blanket enables me to give love, because I feel secure in the knowledge that I, too, am loved.
I want to convey my love to my son without enabling him. I can do that as long as I know I am safe and loved--and that blanket, given to me by my Higher Power, enables me to detach with love.
My serenity level has increased 100 percent.
Everybody needs a blankie, right?
Hope y'all don't think I'm too weird now.
Just came back from my second Al-Anon meeting. Posting this because I had an experience I thought might help someone even newer in Al-Anon than I.
The topic for today was detachment. The members shared on what they did, personally, to help them detach.
The group leader read from Courage to Change, January 22: "With my Higher Power's help, I will keep a loving blanket of detachment with me. I will cover my loved ones with it, whether or not they struggle from a disease, keeping in mind that when I am dealing with other human beings, I am dealing with children of God."
As I said, I am new to the program, and my first thought when I heard that: "I need that blanket for myself."
I didn't personally get to share, which was fine--as a newcomer, I have no clear understanding of what it means to detach with love.
However, as I was driving home, my Higher Power placed an image in my mind that works for me perfectly.
My 15-year-old son is coming home from rehab on Thursday. There are new house rules in effect, and he is super pissed about them.
It's gonna be a rough ride for a bit, probably, until he gets used to them--and when he feels threatened and out of control, he is verbally abusive.
His abuse makes me feel scared and hurt--not a good place to come from when you're trying to be loving, but not enabling.
But here's the image my HP gifted me with. When he gets abusive, I can cover myself with my own blanket of detachment.
The blanket is light, warm, pink and--get this--it has sparkles. When I hold this image, I feel safe and warm and loved.
Just as important, wrapping myself in that blanket enables me to give love, because I feel secure in the knowledge that I, too, am loved.
I want to convey my love to my son without enabling him. I can do that as long as I know I am safe and loved--and that blanket, given to me by my Higher Power, enables me to detach with love.
My serenity level has increased 100 percent.
Everybody needs a blankie, right?
Hope y'all don't think I'm too weird now.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
One way I look at detaching with love is we can either bend over backwards to try to help the addict (which makes no difference) or we can get out of their way and save our sanity (which makes no difference). The addict is going to do what he/she is going to do. So, let them, stay out of their way, and save yourself.
I realized this after being in Al Anon for a week or two. No matter what I did to try to support my XAGF, she either resented my input or did whatever she wanted to do despite my input. And it wasn't until I had no contact with her for a month that I realized how nuts I drove myself trying to steer her in a direction where she'd be safe.
So, when she came back, I stopped doing that. And in my heart of hearts, I believe she resented that.
I realized this after being in Al Anon for a week or two. No matter what I did to try to support my XAGF, she either resented my input or did whatever she wanted to do despite my input. And it wasn't until I had no contact with her for a month that I realized how nuts I drove myself trying to steer her in a direction where she'd be safe.
So, when she came back, I stopped doing that. And in my heart of hearts, I believe she resented that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
I should add that when my son gets verbally abusive, one of the ways I try to protect myself is to lash out.
I've never been physically abusive, but it's hard for me to feel love when I myself feel so threatened. So I think this sweet new blanket o' mine may help ease the anger and resentment I often feel, so I won't say or do anything negative out of anger.
He's my kid, and I'm the parent. I am learning, day by day, how not to act like I, too, am 15 years old. Progress, not perfection. ;0
I've never been physically abusive, but it's hard for me to feel love when I myself feel so threatened. So I think this sweet new blanket o' mine may help ease the anger and resentment I often feel, so I won't say or do anything negative out of anger.
He's my kid, and I'm the parent. I am learning, day by day, how not to act like I, too, am 15 years old. Progress, not perfection. ;0
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Hi Anvil,
Oh yes, we wrote up the contract. We are seeing him at the rehab today--our last family meeting, in-rehab--and he will have to sign it. If he doesn't, I don't know what'll happen, but God does.
Wow--what a story about your stepson. Thanks for sharing it! My son has ADHD, too--I've already read that kids with ADHD are more likely to use drugs as adolescents. I'm so glad to hear that he made it out of adolescence and is living independently--gives me hope for my own kid.
Now, to get that lockbox to lock our laptops and meds in...that's the last thing we need before he gets home. Fortunately, there's no door to his room!
Oh yes, we wrote up the contract. We are seeing him at the rehab today--our last family meeting, in-rehab--and he will have to sign it. If he doesn't, I don't know what'll happen, but God does.
Wow--what a story about your stepson. Thanks for sharing it! My son has ADHD, too--I've already read that kids with ADHD are more likely to use drugs as adolescents. I'm so glad to hear that he made it out of adolescence and is living independently--gives me hope for my own kid.
Now, to get that lockbox to lock our laptops and meds in...that's the last thing we need before he gets home. Fortunately, there's no door to his room!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
PINK sparkly blankets are my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!
almost everything PINK is my favorite ~
I got my strength, wisdom & PINK Courage from Al-Anon - helped me start a new life for myself!
You are welcome to read my old post to find out about my PINK story!
Congrats to you on giving your precious son the ability to find his self-respect, love and dignity! What a great gift!
In Al-Anon there is a book - "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" - Chapter 11 - Detachment, love and forgiveness" & Chapter 12 - Taking Care of ourselves
These two chapters really helped me with these topics so very much - if you can I strongly recommend reading them - I still read them often!!
PINK HUGS! (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita
almost everything PINK is my favorite ~
I got my strength, wisdom & PINK Courage from Al-Anon - helped me start a new life for myself!
You are welcome to read my old post to find out about my PINK story!
Congrats to you on giving your precious son the ability to find his self-respect, love and dignity! What a great gift!
In Al-Anon there is a book - "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" - Chapter 11 - Detachment, love and forgiveness" & Chapter 12 - Taking Care of ourselves
These two chapters really helped me with these topics so very much - if you can I strongly recommend reading them - I still read them often!!
PINK HUGS! (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita
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