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I'm looking for someone who understands my pain....

Old 01-23-2012, 03:41 AM
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I'm looking for someone who understands my pain....

I'm just looking for someone that understands my pain. Just yesterday my fiance a hydrocodone addict broke up with me. He said he is moving out this week. I'm completely heart broken! I have stood by him, even attend addiction group with him 2 times a week. In group just days ago he said he doesn't handle his stress the right way and he runs when life gets too hard and he is so sorry for hurting his fiance and will never do it again..just yesterday we were discussing wedding plans. I'm so lost! He said I deserve so much better because I'm such an amazing hearted person. He said he is so messed up that he can't give me the life I deserve. We also have two kids, his kids but they live with me,us. I don't understand how you leave your biggest supporter. I can't stop crying. Please can someone help me to understand . I lost my family yesterday. Friends and family say he is just running and will come back but I feel like he's gone ! He is my best friend. I don't know how to move on without him and kids. I'm shattered.
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:21 AM
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Hello KelBell, Welcome to SR!

I moved your post from the bottom of the other thread so that you would receive the attention you deserve.

Other's will be along soon to offer their experience, strength and hope (ES&H). You are not alone....we do understand.

Many hugs,
HG
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:31 AM
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It sounds like he is running away from responsibility. It also sounds like he's either relapsed or on the brink of doing so. Addiction compels the addict to protect addiction and sustain it at all costs. It's not personal. I know it most certainly feels that way, right now.

Are you the bio mother or legal guardian of these kids?
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:48 AM
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Im so sorry to hear that things have turned out this way for you Kelbell.
You need support at this time......there will be Plenty here to comfort you during this Difficult time.

Would it be possible for you to get to an Nar Anon Meeting or Mabie if there is none near you Al Anon might Help.
Bless you and the Kids.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:24 AM
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Welcome to SR. I hope you find comfort here.

Yes. Most of us can understand your pain. The all encompassing pain that radiates through us when our heart is broken is worse than any pain caused by a physical injury. And it takes a long time for that pain to heal.

Many of us have lost love ones to addiction. Many of us are in some stage of dealing with that pain and loss or fear of it. And some of us are recovering from that pain and loss and are able to find joy and serenity in the wake of that loss.

I hope you stick around. Post. Rant. Cry. Read. Learn. And heal.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:38 PM
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Welcome, You found the right place ! We all know your pain so well.

He is right he is messed up right now and he needs to work on himself. Nothing you do will fix him he has to do it. It seams he realizes that and is going to need time to work on himself. You need to let go and let God. It is hard I know, meanwhile see if you can go to some Nar-anon meetings and work on you. If it is truly meant to be he will be back, hopefully clean and ready to be a father and husband he needs to be. The hardest thing to realize is they must go through this on there own, nothing we say or do will help them. This is there disease to deal with alone.

Keep reading and posting were here for you.
Sending strength and prayers.
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:44 PM
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Hon-

I hope you get some counseling or get to meetings to find out why you feel like you "deserve" to be with an addict because you don't. He is flat out telling you that he is not going to treat you like you should be treated. You should listen to him.
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:13 PM
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kelbell, so sorry that you are in such heartache. I hope that you have some time right now to let yourself move through the grief. self care. treat yourself as you would your best friend if they were sick...nice groceries, some flowers, lots of warm baths etc. seriously...reaching out all you can is most excellent, and then there are those lonely times in between. know that you are not alone and wrap yourself in the warmth of the prayers and love that is sent out there by those who know what its like to be in the dark alone at night with a heartbreak. I am sorry for you, and I know that a lot of us here will be wishing the best for you, time heals.

many addicts/alcoholics live their life with a thick mask. most people have functioning normal masks, re: social/work/family etc. "lite" masks of appropriateness and the like. addicts/alcoholics can live in such pain/denial/shame that their mask becomes over developed and they start to live as someone they are not, or at times they lose sight of who they are. your man may be gearing up for a relapse...and it could be that he has learned enough in group that he knows how much this would hurt you and he wants to disappear...or maybe he isn't gearing up for a relapse but realizes he has been masking and making promises he can't keep but felt he had to make them because he needed your support so badly.

either way, he is stating his truth and that truth...whether in earliest of recovery, or gearing for a relapse, can drive you crazy trying to make sense of it.

as much as you can try to keep your head pulling your head back out of obsessing on making sense of it, and refocus, by the minute if you have to; do a lot of nice caring things for yourself and get through to some of the people in your group.

peace.
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:05 PM
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I can feel your pain. Rejection is hard to swallow for me and I suffered from the same thing you are talking about. He is telling you the truth about himself. He probably is messed up and he is uncertain what he wants right now. It would be better to know that he is seeking help but you can not change him but only yourself. It sounds like you are having to face being alone and you are feeling very lost. I have been there and it is a tough place to be in but it takes time for him and you to see where this all goes. If you believe in God this would be a good time to seek Him for your comfort and direction in life. Friends mean well and we all try to figure out why! No matter what he is going through right now it is important that you realize how important you are and that you have family and friends and most of all God to lean on. Take a day at a time.
You are not alone.
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Old 01-24-2012, 05:39 AM
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I am sorry that you are in pain, however, this is not a healthy relationship for you and his children. Children should not be raised in the home of an addict. They have already inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction, living with an addict only makes it more difficult for them in adulthood.

Where is the childrens mother?

IMHO, marrying an addict is not a good decision, he will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease. Even when working a strong recovery program relapses are common.

Work on you, if this relationship is mean't to be, it will happen, and, you both need to be healthy.
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Old 01-24-2012, 06:33 AM
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Kelbell:

Getting the rug pulled out from under you leaves you feeling disoriented. I know, I've been there. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you are not alone.

As bad as it may feel, there is a silver lining surrounding this black cloud. You are given the opportunity to begin taking care of yourself. I agree with others that says this is a good time to attend meetings and begin your journey of recovery.

Huggs and good wishes,
Hope
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:05 AM
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Hi.....Kel.....I have not seen you back sense yesterday.I know your Post was Shifted so you Might not be able to Read the replies.Your Post is in Families and Friends of Substance abusers.I hope you are coping.....you will get through this,I promise.

Tell us if you want us to do anything for you.
We can only be a Friend...on a laptop for now.
Think of all the Positives in your Life just now,
Write them all down.
You are Looking after 2 Beautiful young Kids,
No one has died or is going to die.
Im sure you have family Support.
You have us all here on SR.
All is not lost,ye are a at Turning Point in your Lives.
Things will get better.
Myself and My Wife went through a Really Tough Time Some years ago.
I could not bear the Thought of us Splitting up.
We both went to Counciling....etc.
My Wife has her own Problems stemming From,bullieing and Childhood.
She now Goes to FA and Al Anon.
I Go to ACA for now but I have Attended AA,NA,Grow.
Love from the Emerald Isle...Micealc

I ment to send this as a Message originally.....Ill leave it here.
Ihave sent it in a Message as well.Cheers
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Old 01-24-2012, 06:42 PM
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In may my "soul mate" of 16 years left me on a coke binge for another woman. He left me and my 3 year old son with nothing. Broke up with me on the phone and wouldn't talk to me. Never got anything from the house we lived in except his drum set and amp. Lol! So, I feel your pain. It hurts. That was almost 9 months ago, and I am getting bteer. I am healing. For me the betrayal is the hardest to let go. And how can you just give up on your child? He destroyed my family. Its not fair. It still hurts and I can't forgive, but the pain is less. I have realized that this was for the best. I and my son deserve a stable man. I have learned a lot about this experience. I have realized that you can't plan anything. I try really hard to just stay in the present and enjoy every moment with my child. I have a career and hobbies that I love. I just keep trying to do the best for my son and have let him go. I still love him, but I have accepted it is over. I want a man. All I can say is let yourself feel. You are allowed to be angry and cry. Sadly, as in my case, maybe it is for the best. blessings to you and your children. Hang in there.
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Old 01-24-2012, 06:48 PM
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I'm recently divorced from a hydrocodone addict. He did you a favor; he saved you many years of pain by getting out before the wedding.
Do you have custody of those children? They don't need to be with him.

Hugs to you. Please go to counseling and start the path to healing for your broken heart. You will heal, and one day you will be glad you didn't marry this guy.
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