How's the Best Way to Force a Pothead Son Out?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
TiredandSpent,
It isn't over. He has time to finish growing up, and you have time to see him succeed. He probably will, you know. He has your genes. And despite his current behavior, he has your intelligence and example. He doesn't know how to love and give back yet. But he will.
Kids like this (yes "kids", and I mean that) sometimes take some time to come into their own. One of mine (who did similar stuff) just graduated with a pre-med degree at the age of 33. He needed his 20's to eff-up, and I kicked and screamed most of the way.
Give him time. You have a good Christmas, knowing he needs that, and that he needs you to let him have that.
FT
It isn't over. He has time to finish growing up, and you have time to see him succeed. He probably will, you know. He has your genes. And despite his current behavior, he has your intelligence and example. He doesn't know how to love and give back yet. But he will.
Kids like this (yes "kids", and I mean that) sometimes take some time to come into their own. One of mine (who did similar stuff) just graduated with a pre-med degree at the age of 33. He needed his 20's to eff-up, and I kicked and screamed most of the way.
Give him time. You have a good Christmas, knowing he needs that, and that he needs you to let him have that.
FT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I'm in a better place today. My mom told me that he popped up on FB last night. He just mentioned a historical holiday landmark near me (that actually another son and I saw last night). He must be thinking of us, his family here.
So now I can replace the imagine of him disappearing into the dark with a backpack and a dog tucked under his arm with one of him sitting in a comfortable place that has light and internet. I can live with that. I don't need to know where he is, only that he's safe somewhere. It's a nice touch that his thoughts are on happy times when we were together. I don't want to read his FB, I don't want to talk to him (even if he's willing to tell me everything I want to hear), I haven't checked my phone to see if he responded to the Happy Bday I sent yesterday (I assume not and don't care). All I want is to know he's not dead and not sitting forlornly on a park bench in the dark starving with hoodlums lurking in the shadows.
If you're facebooking, you are fine.
In a couple hours we are going to make thumbprints and snickerdoodles for tomorrow. Family is coming over for dinner (pork loin and rum bread pudding) then church. I LOVE the candlelight service at church. In a bit we are about to watch Ralphie and his Red Rider Rifle quest. Tomorrow is busy and Monday is skiing and Tuesday we go home.
Thank you everyone for your support, and Merry Christmas.
So now I can replace the imagine of him disappearing into the dark with a backpack and a dog tucked under his arm with one of him sitting in a comfortable place that has light and internet. I can live with that. I don't need to know where he is, only that he's safe somewhere. It's a nice touch that his thoughts are on happy times when we were together. I don't want to read his FB, I don't want to talk to him (even if he's willing to tell me everything I want to hear), I haven't checked my phone to see if he responded to the Happy Bday I sent yesterday (I assume not and don't care). All I want is to know he's not dead and not sitting forlornly on a park bench in the dark starving with hoodlums lurking in the shadows.
If you're facebooking, you are fine.
In a couple hours we are going to make thumbprints and snickerdoodles for tomorrow. Family is coming over for dinner (pork loin and rum bread pudding) then church. I LOVE the candlelight service at church. In a bit we are about to watch Ralphie and his Red Rider Rifle quest. Tomorrow is busy and Monday is skiing and Tuesday we go home.
Thank you everyone for your support, and Merry Christmas.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
The unthinkable happened: there was an estrangement in the family and we spent Christmas apart and not speaking--and we all survived and it was pleasant. Today was especially pleasant. A victory, addiction didn't ruin this holiday--and truthfully if he'd been here, it's likely (not sure) but likely it would have.
I know he's safe and relatively comfortable somewhere. I'm now in the opposite position as when I started this thread, I'm hoping I WON'T hear from him when I get back home. That would mean he actually did what he said and did work out housing and supporting himself. I don't care if he's mad at me and got an attitude. Doesn't hurt me if I don't know about it.
He'll only show up now if he can't manage and is in crisis. I don't need that, so let's hope I hear nothing for a good long time!!!!! No news is good news.
I know he's safe and relatively comfortable somewhere. I'm now in the opposite position as when I started this thread, I'm hoping I WON'T hear from him when I get back home. That would mean he actually did what he said and did work out housing and supporting himself. I don't care if he's mad at me and got an attitude. Doesn't hurt me if I don't know about it.
He'll only show up now if he can't manage and is in crisis. I don't need that, so let's hope I hear nothing for a good long time!!!!! No news is good news.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Victory is short lived but I'm not surprised. It's just what I expected but hoped to avoid.
Per facebook he's in my house and inviting people over to bring a bottle of whiskey. Tomorrow we go home and I get to throw him out and clean up the mess.
Next time I throw him out (tomorrow) I won't be worried about him wandering around in the dark.
I'm now debating whether to send a text telling him to be out by 1:30 tomorrow and that I will be sending the police around tonight to arrest any trespassers.
The benefit of this he'll probably be gone by 1:30 and I won't have to deal with him. And maybe, but probably not they'll move the drinking party off site.
The benefit of not doing this is I will just have another day of disengagement from him and his problems. I really don't want to deal with the police and wonder if they'll really do anything or listen to the lies or just tell me like last time that I need a court order to get this kid out of my house. The police in my town are as aggravating as the addict.
I'm beyond annoyed. It's probably just best to let it go and deal with it all tomorrow. And just calm down and enjoy the last day of vacation.
A better plan is probably just to bracket all the aggravation of this kid between 1 and 3 tomorrow.
Per facebook he's in my house and inviting people over to bring a bottle of whiskey. Tomorrow we go home and I get to throw him out and clean up the mess.
Next time I throw him out (tomorrow) I won't be worried about him wandering around in the dark.
I'm now debating whether to send a text telling him to be out by 1:30 tomorrow and that I will be sending the police around tonight to arrest any trespassers.
The benefit of this he'll probably be gone by 1:30 and I won't have to deal with him. And maybe, but probably not they'll move the drinking party off site.
The benefit of not doing this is I will just have another day of disengagement from him and his problems. I really don't want to deal with the police and wonder if they'll really do anything or listen to the lies or just tell me like last time that I need a court order to get this kid out of my house. The police in my town are as aggravating as the addict.
I'm beyond annoyed. It's probably just best to let it go and deal with it all tomorrow. And just calm down and enjoy the last day of vacation.
A better plan is probably just to bracket all the aggravation of this kid between 1 and 3 tomorrow.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I would be really angry if one of my step-daughters did this. My advice would be to stay out of his drama as much as possible. It sounds like you need to dis-engage from him for awhile. He needs space to figure himself out and decide what he wants You've given hi advice about working a 40-hour workweek, etc. However, the only way he can discover that is if he is on his own. It's good that you have kicked him out of the house, and you need to stick with that. Have you changed the locks? You might want to go ahead and tell him that you are going to put out his stuff if he isn't out by a certain time. You might end up needing to put it in a storage facility or something so that it is not at your house. Otherwise, he is going to have an excuse to come there. It's great you provided him with the prepaid college and the lessons. However, he is an adult now and his decisions are his own. If he messes up, then he will have to pay the consequences. I don't think he sounds incredibly immature for 22. I have a step-daughter that we had to kick out of the house twice. She seemed like a mess for awhile. We would have gladly paid for college classes, if she had gone to them. She is very smart, but has chosen not to go to college. We also had to do everything to get her to graduate from high school. You did a great job on that. However, you've done what you can. Let him go and let him live his own life. Our oldest step-daughter now has two jobs and supports herself completely. She is not in a job that we would "prefer" and she isn't in college, but she is taking care of herself. She is much more mature than she was 2 years ago when we had to kick her out. She spent a couple of nights in her car. She spent nights on friend's couches. It took her awhile to grow up, but now that she has, it's incredible. I think your son will do well, he just needs to realize that he is an adult and that his mistakes have consequences. You won't be there to pick up the messes because he's an adult.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
In terms of calling the police, you might want to go ahead and do it. It is highly possible that there are underage kids at the party drinking. You could be held responsible for anything bad that happens at the party or afterward since it is your property. If somebody leaves the party and drives drunk or something..
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by bluebelle 
In terms of calling the police, you might want to go ahead and do it. It is highly possible that there are underage kids at the party drinking. You could be held responsible for anything bad that happens at the party or afterward since it is your property. If somebody leaves the party and drives drunk or something..
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