fingers crossed
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i fear being forgotten about or replaced and i fear that if that happens, that maybe things werent as real as i hoped and there is fear in facing that.
you've been forgotten and replaced in her mind so many times already, I can't understand what you're talking about.
reality of it is........ if you want her in your life, you have to accept the consequences of it.
again, let me repeat, long term rehab, after rehab-rehab, staying connected with rehab while becoming accustomed to a new way of life, coming to terms with her own addiction every single day and overcoming it, job, life, job, life, daily living, goals for the future, going to meetings.....etc.....
if it kills you and you don't care because of your obsession/addiction to her, than that's what will happen.
watch this video. this young man had wonderful childhood, fantastic family, support, everything,, yet he still couldn't beat his heroin addiction.
You can't tell me, oh she's been clean for 2 weeks. Impossible unless she enjoys being in utter pain and torment.
Ben: Diary Of A Heroin Addict - YouTube
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 
How much longer before we actually see a thread TOTALLY ABOUT YOU with not one word about her?
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hi hopeful-
i dont even know how to answer that. partly in my head we are not broken up, just not together. i can say that she moved about 5 months ago and i saw her once since then. i guess i still have this fantasy that i have to work out. and she either also has that or just says all the right things to make be believe that she does.
what keeps me tied so strongly? again tough question. there is the part on my side that may have to do with various issues that keep me attached- childhood lack of love, abandonment, etc. then there is the other side, where i just feel it. i have always felt a connection with her, i love her good sides and with her flaws. i have a strong sense of commitment. i mean there are good things we have shared, but they just arent there so much now.
so anymore i just dont really know anything. i dont know if i am just stuck in some muck that i an unwilling to shake, or i am deeply in love with her. or both. maybe i stay so attached because i dont want to give up on her.
i know a lot of that probably sounds the same as last year, but i am trying to step in the right direction and may have a sponsor soon at naranon.
i dont even know how to answer that. partly in my head we are not broken up, just not together. i can say that she moved about 5 months ago and i saw her once since then. i guess i still have this fantasy that i have to work out. and she either also has that or just says all the right things to make be believe that she does.
what keeps me tied so strongly? again tough question. there is the part on my side that may have to do with various issues that keep me attached- childhood lack of love, abandonment, etc. then there is the other side, where i just feel it. i have always felt a connection with her, i love her good sides and with her flaws. i have a strong sense of commitment. i mean there are good things we have shared, but they just arent there so much now.
so anymore i just dont really know anything. i dont know if i am just stuck in some muck that i an unwilling to shake, or i am deeply in love with her. or both. maybe i stay so attached because i dont want to give up on her.
i know a lot of that probably sounds the same as last year, but i am trying to step in the right direction and may have a sponsor soon at naranon.
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anvil-
you may think about changing your name to hammer, because i think you nailed it again.
and even though i have been talking about her, i am at least seeing that it doesnt end at that now, and that i am trying to look at how i will handle it or do.
i am still unwilling to give up on her. i threw away my bongs and bowls 16 months ago.i dont want to feel that i am tossing her aside like that, but i probably shouldnt look at it that way anyway.
the point is you are correct that i am afraid to let go and i am sure that is the subject at next weeks therapy.
you may think about changing your name to hammer, because i think you nailed it again.
and even though i have been talking about her, i am at least seeing that it doesnt end at that now, and that i am trying to look at how i will handle it or do.
i am still unwilling to give up on her. i threw away my bongs and bowls 16 months ago.i dont want to feel that i am tossing her aside like that, but i probably shouldnt look at it that way anyway.
the point is you are correct that i am afraid to let go and i am sure that is the subject at next weeks therapy.
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Steve,
Even without these issues of addiction, relationships end for whatever reason. As long as you keep contact with her the pain will continue, this would be true with any relationship. If you are meant to be in this relationship again, it will be, without anyone forcing it. Also just because you have no contact does not mean that you don't care or are giving up on her. It just means that you are doing what is best for your own sanity. I have learned very recently that it is ok to take care of yourself first.
Even without these issues of addiction, relationships end for whatever reason. As long as you keep contact with her the pain will continue, this would be true with any relationship. If you are meant to be in this relationship again, it will be, without anyone forcing it. Also just because you have no contact does not mean that you don't care or are giving up on her. It just means that you are doing what is best for your own sanity. I have learned very recently that it is ok to take care of yourself first.
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Originally Posted by steve1840
i threw away my bongs and bowls 16 months ago.i dont want to feel that i am tossing her aside like that, but i probably shouldnt look at it that way anyway.
Every codie relationship (addiction) involves using someone to meet needs. It was an ugly truth that I used my daughter, but the honesty helped set us both free.
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i think i will feel like i did everything for nothing. i think i am afraid that i will never be able to let go. i am afraid of that. i am afraid that unhealthy or not, that what ever my feelings are for her, that to me they are true and that if it is one sided that i may be haunted by this forever.
This is a debilitating fear, if you allow yourself to believe that you have no control over your feelings. We as humans might not be able to control the emotions or feelings that come up in us, but we do control what we do with those feelings -- how we respond to them. A feeling can only "haunt" you if you decide to let it haunt you! I don't know if you have any experience with mindfulness practices and meditation, but I would HIGHLY recommend it! It can really help with getting a sense of control over the kinds of feelings you describe.
Is it easy? Sadly, no. Human nature causes us to respond to emotions immediately and often not in a thoughtful way (understandably -- there is some survival stuff there!). But we have the power to become mindful over our emotions. Instead of letting a feeling come up and take over us by consuming all of our thoughts, mindfulness can help us take a step back and and observe the feeling. You feel it coming up in you and you become aware of it, and YOU decide what you do with it. Gosh, I might be starting to sound a little flakey here
But it isn't flakey -- I promise! It is really effective.
There is a workbook called "get out of your mind and into your life" that is an Acceptance and Committment Therapy model workbook, based in mindfulness principles. I would highly recommend it, even if you are not a self-help workbook kind of guy! It is a very very different approach and it is really helpful in getting control over fears like you describe.
This is a debilitating fear, if you allow yourself to believe that you have no control over your feelings. We as humans might not be able to control the emotions or feelings that come up in us, but we do control what we do with those feelings -- how we respond to them. A feeling can only "haunt" you if you decide to let it haunt you! I don't know if you have any experience with mindfulness practices and meditation, but I would HIGHLY recommend it! It can really help with getting a sense of control over the kinds of feelings you describe.
Is it easy? Sadly, no. Human nature causes us to respond to emotions immediately and often not in a thoughtful way (understandably -- there is some survival stuff there!). But we have the power to become mindful over our emotions. Instead of letting a feeling come up and take over us by consuming all of our thoughts, mindfulness can help us take a step back and and observe the feeling. You feel it coming up in you and you become aware of it, and YOU decide what you do with it. Gosh, I might be starting to sound a little flakey here
But it isn't flakey -- I promise! It is really effective. There is a workbook called "get out of your mind and into your life" that is an Acceptance and Committment Therapy model workbook, based in mindfulness principles. I would highly recommend it, even if you are not a self-help workbook kind of guy! It is a very very different approach and it is really helpful in getting control over fears like you describe.
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Steve, I feel a strongly to share the work of Byron Katie with you. I think she has excellent methods to face your fears and see the effects your obsessive thougts have on you. Search for her on Youtube if you want and see what it is all about. Or her website is The Work of Byron Katie. She holds expensive workshops, but there is enough free stuff to get the benefit of it.
She will work e.g. with someone who was sexually abused as a child and makes you see that the abuse happened once (or however many times) but that obsessive thoughts make it happen again and again and again. Great freedom comes from having an honest look at yourself.
Her methods helped me a lot to get to a peaceful place with my AS.
Some of the beliefs you may want to look at is:
- A shouldn't be an addict
- A shouldn't discard me
- Without A in my life, I am nothing
- I shouldn't toss A aside
- I need to stay in contact with A etc.
You will know what feels right to you.
She will work e.g. with someone who was sexually abused as a child and makes you see that the abuse happened once (or however many times) but that obsessive thoughts make it happen again and again and again. Great freedom comes from having an honest look at yourself.
Her methods helped me a lot to get to a peaceful place with my AS.
Some of the beliefs you may want to look at is:
- A shouldn't be an addict
- A shouldn't discard me
- Without A in my life, I am nothing
- I shouldn't toss A aside
- I need to stay in contact with A etc.
You will know what feels right to you.
Last edited by Sunshine2; 11-10-2011 at 09:23 PM. Reason: Spelling etc
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I'll just update you Steve on my situation.
I see now after this distance that he used me emotionally (he is out of his rehab).
I came out of my addiction to this person and see it for what it really is: he used me for an emotional crutch and nothing more.
It is very powerful to be 'needed' but who do you have when you need someone Steve, you don't have her and odds are you never will.
I see so much of myself in your posts my friend. I get that you are worried about her and care. I still care for the guy but we have a huge capacity to give to others and they have zero to give back.
And that capacity doesn't come instantly when they are in rehab or out of it. It may take quite some time... if ever.
I guess I wonder why you aren't out living your life in the meantime, dating others. It is a huge waste of time, this waiting game you are on.
Huge.
I see now after this distance that he used me emotionally (he is out of his rehab).
I came out of my addiction to this person and see it for what it really is: he used me for an emotional crutch and nothing more.
It is very powerful to be 'needed' but who do you have when you need someone Steve, you don't have her and odds are you never will.
I see so much of myself in your posts my friend. I get that you are worried about her and care. I still care for the guy but we have a huge capacity to give to others and they have zero to give back.
And that capacity doesn't come instantly when they are in rehab or out of it. It may take quite some time... if ever.
I guess I wonder why you aren't out living your life in the meantime, dating others. It is a huge waste of time, this waiting game you are on.
Huge.
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kiki- you remembered that i love hendrix. thanks for the links.
babyblue- i am glad you see yourself in my posts, that makes me feel that i am on the right track. i am the tortoise. slow. slow. slow. but i'll cross the line. it seems that after having low days, i feel a little better and stronger coming out of it. i would love to have a relationship like the fantasy one i hold on to. but i dont think i am in the right place to be dating. i was talking to a nice girl last week, and was going to ask her out, but i dont feel whole, so i felt it was unfair. but i did at least like that i talked to someone. i may run into her again and if so i'll see whats up then.
but now, i still have to work on cutting that emotional tie that keeps me from moving on. she's done a lot of talking about rehab and therapy lately. more than had been done in a while. and it seems like every couple days now she says she wants to go. i know the thing about it being all talk, but i wonder if its a good sign at least. good thing is that it affects me less than it did. but as you said, i have this capacity to care and to worry, so thats what i do. i still worry- would i be leaving at the wrong time, what if she's close you know.
but i have plans for the weekend and am holding my own. it really has turned into a waiting game. the thing is i know she's safe so i should just let it be, slow, slow, slow
babyblue- i am glad you see yourself in my posts, that makes me feel that i am on the right track. i am the tortoise. slow. slow. slow. but i'll cross the line. it seems that after having low days, i feel a little better and stronger coming out of it. i would love to have a relationship like the fantasy one i hold on to. but i dont think i am in the right place to be dating. i was talking to a nice girl last week, and was going to ask her out, but i dont feel whole, so i felt it was unfair. but i did at least like that i talked to someone. i may run into her again and if so i'll see whats up then.
but now, i still have to work on cutting that emotional tie that keeps me from moving on. she's done a lot of talking about rehab and therapy lately. more than had been done in a while. and it seems like every couple days now she says she wants to go. i know the thing about it being all talk, but i wonder if its a good sign at least. good thing is that it affects me less than it did. but as you said, i have this capacity to care and to worry, so thats what i do. i still worry- would i be leaving at the wrong time, what if she's close you know.
but i have plans for the weekend and am holding my own. it really has turned into a waiting game. the thing is i know she's safe so i should just let it be, slow, slow, slow
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i was talking to a nice girl last week, and was going to ask her out, but i dont feel whole, so i felt it was unfair. but i did at least like that i talked to someone. i may run into her again and if so i'll see whats up then.
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Steve and all on this thread - as someone who recently discovered they're a codependent and carries many ACA traits, this has been a tool I keep coming back to, so thank you for sharing.
Steve, while the person who left me was a BF (who basically enabled me to enable my addict brother until after a demanding job change he realized the insanity of it and my ACA issues), I see striking similarities in our stories. Hearing that you are gaining strength is encouraging to me. I realize that I used my ex emotionally and tried to control his life, as I felt I couldn't control anything else. It's taken me weeks to wrap my head around it. However, the feelings and love I have for him are not going away. I feel damaged, as you do, and another relationship just isn't on the horizon for me. I'm just waiting and hoping God's will includes reconciliation... Will my ex ever give me another chance, will my ex even allow himself to heal from the damage, will I let myself? I don't know, but I'm telling myself whatever happens is for the best. I keep asking God to help me completely let go and give him whatever it is he needs right now - that's what love is. Being in limited contact makes it hurt more, but I'm trying to address him like I do my addict now...loving detachment and working on my own life so that if I'm ever in a position to attempt reconciliation, my life will be in order and the changes I'm making will be real. That way, even though part of me is waiting for him, I'm trying not to let it hold me back from recovery, or be my goal in recovery.
This became super long...Thanks for letting me share and best of luck with your own recovery Steve.
Steve, while the person who left me was a BF (who basically enabled me to enable my addict brother until after a demanding job change he realized the insanity of it and my ACA issues), I see striking similarities in our stories. Hearing that you are gaining strength is encouraging to me. I realize that I used my ex emotionally and tried to control his life, as I felt I couldn't control anything else. It's taken me weeks to wrap my head around it. However, the feelings and love I have for him are not going away. I feel damaged, as you do, and another relationship just isn't on the horizon for me. I'm just waiting and hoping God's will includes reconciliation... Will my ex ever give me another chance, will my ex even allow himself to heal from the damage, will I let myself? I don't know, but I'm telling myself whatever happens is for the best. I keep asking God to help me completely let go and give him whatever it is he needs right now - that's what love is. Being in limited contact makes it hurt more, but I'm trying to address him like I do my addict now...loving detachment and working on my own life so that if I'm ever in a position to attempt reconciliation, my life will be in order and the changes I'm making will be real. That way, even though part of me is waiting for him, I'm trying not to let it hold me back from recovery, or be my goal in recovery.
This became super long...Thanks for letting me share and best of luck with your own recovery Steve.
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kiki-
no. i was saying that it was nice that i brought myself to talk to someone new, but that i ama no where near in a position to get involved. no point in entering something when broken. not fair to other person. i cant date someone if my mind is elsewhere. no sense in rushing things.
i was reading Getting Them sober. misleading title, but it has some going parts. i related muchto the segments about in our own time. it may be the smallest step but it is a step. i am learning not to beat up on myself for being stuck where i am.
i am getting more and more frustrated at myself which is helping motivate me
no. i was saying that it was nice that i brought myself to talk to someone new, but that i ama no where near in a position to get involved. no point in entering something when broken. not fair to other person. i cant date someone if my mind is elsewhere. no sense in rushing things.
i was reading Getting Them sober. misleading title, but it has some going parts. i related muchto the segments about in our own time. it may be the smallest step but it is a step. i am learning not to beat up on myself for being stuck where i am.
i am getting more and more frustrated at myself which is helping motivate me
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thats a good point too. i guess i am open to meeting someone. -i wonder how many ladies out on the board think i am totally crazy and think- god help the next gf- just kidding of course. i know i am a great guy. i sometimes get my low self esteem issues get to me, but for 44, i still weigh 185 from high school, havent shrunk below 5'10'' and just know i am a great person and i have a ton to offer. i just dont want to get in a situation where i get involved and dont have my issues worked out or more under control. its not like my door is getting knocked down or that i make myself available. my life right now is pretty much work, meetings, and yard stuff. but i am going out w friends this weekend. the funny thing is i let my hair grow the past couple years again. i havent had long hair in like ten years and i get self conscious that i am too old for it or it isnt attractive. but thats me at heart. its gotta get a little longer before i cut it and donate it.
anyway-
sibling of an adict- that was not too long at all. you should see some of mine, like this one...just getting longer and longer. i cannot tell you how glad i am that somehow the little strength i have gotten has encouraged you. i am trying my best to hand it over to something else. i stopped trying to control things a while ago, as far as her addiction and recovery. the problem is that i have stayed too involved. i stopped asking questions about her use and her life. even if i did the answers would likely be half truths or outright lies. so whats the point. of course there are still the times that i step into whirlpool of confusion and crazy making and start projecting. but i am learning to step back from it and let it be. havent learned how to do it totally but learning how at least.
i remember my life years ago. i was so spiritual and in tune. i knew the season, i knew the stars, i knew everything going on, in a good way- mindfulness as someone else posted about. i wasnt chasing anything. i wasnt running form anything. the past couple years i dont know if i am chasing or running from. prob both at the same time. i see that old life of mine. listening to music and painting all night. i cannot say that i wasnt an isolationist then, but i was enjoying it.
but this is a stage. a long one, but it is something i am in the middle of and working on. i need to let go more and meditate more and just open my mind up to the cosmos again. i liked being a loner for a while, i learned a lot then, stuff i never would have learned otherwise. i want to tune into that again, but be able to share it. so maybe in the end i will be better for this period of chaos, insanity, depression, and emptiness.
just some random rambling
anyway-
sibling of an adict- that was not too long at all. you should see some of mine, like this one...just getting longer and longer. i cannot tell you how glad i am that somehow the little strength i have gotten has encouraged you. i am trying my best to hand it over to something else. i stopped trying to control things a while ago, as far as her addiction and recovery. the problem is that i have stayed too involved. i stopped asking questions about her use and her life. even if i did the answers would likely be half truths or outright lies. so whats the point. of course there are still the times that i step into whirlpool of confusion and crazy making and start projecting. but i am learning to step back from it and let it be. havent learned how to do it totally but learning how at least.
i remember my life years ago. i was so spiritual and in tune. i knew the season, i knew the stars, i knew everything going on, in a good way- mindfulness as someone else posted about. i wasnt chasing anything. i wasnt running form anything. the past couple years i dont know if i am chasing or running from. prob both at the same time. i see that old life of mine. listening to music and painting all night. i cannot say that i wasnt an isolationist then, but i was enjoying it.
but this is a stage. a long one, but it is something i am in the middle of and working on. i need to let go more and meditate more and just open my mind up to the cosmos again. i liked being a loner for a while, i learned a lot then, stuff i never would have learned otherwise. i want to tune into that again, but be able to share it. so maybe in the end i will be better for this period of chaos, insanity, depression, and emptiness.
just some random rambling
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Originally Posted by steve1840
yeah, i do still get caught up in terminal uniqueness, but i am using my tools to keep myself moving forward. no matter what the pace, i am moving in that direction.
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