fingers crossed
 

she called but i let it go to vm. i wanted to gauge what was up before i decided to talk or not. she sounded very depressed and said it was real important. i thought she would be asking for money, so i was very proud to have my tools in place and give a firm - NO. instead, she started crying and apologizing and saying her life is completely out of control and that she is on her way to the rehab place. she looked up the number, called, and got a ride all on her own.

i told her i was proud and wished her luck. she said she noticed that i had been sounding different on the phone, and i explained that i had been taking control of my life and have been feeling good (i didnt tell her the mornings were still rough). I am not getting my hopes up because i do not want to derail my path. i'm continuing with meetings. and getting this growth, i am not so sure i cna even think about a future anyway. there are too many things i want to do for me. but i am glad that she is finally giving it a try.

It would have been a wee bit more believable had she called you already at the rehab for several days.

Also I get the feeling from the way you keep writing about rehab that that is going to be the MAGIC CURE for her .................................................. ..... WRONG, NOPE, NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

Rehab is just the FIRST baby step, in a LONG ROW of steps. It will give her SOME TOOLS, it will start to teach her how to USE THOSE TOOLS, but and that is a BIG 'BUT' she is the one that has to APPLY THEM, USE THEM, and WORK VERY VERY HARD ON HER RECOVERY.

Nothing has changed. Just another call that she is GOING (really?) to rehab. Probably because she is out of her DOC and is fearful of coming down.

When will you go NO CONTACT????????????????????????????

J M H O

no doubt. beleive it or not, this didnt really effect me either way. the reason she called from on the way was if she couldnt call for like a 30 day black out. she can call from there at somepoint and leave the next day. i know it is no magic cure. and i know after going, it doesnt mean a thing. and like i said, i have fianlly stepped into MY recovery and wont let this derail me.
i have been working on the no contact issue w my therapist.

i just posted this to throw it out there. i'm not all excited. i understand she can get to the front door and turn and run. its happened. but it was nice to see that as you all have said, they can get there if they want to. i was kind of reinforcing that. i didnt have to do a thing but stay out of the way.

besides- i was really trying to get across in the origianl post, that i have made this about me.

Rinse.....Lather.....Repeat......

Ok, let's say she does go to rehab.

Then what?

Rehab is not Tylenol that will just take away the pain in half an hour.

It's a life time progress.

Stop giving her false hopes. Either be there for her forever, or let it go.

Are you ready to house her, feed her, help her find a job, keep 24/7 eye on her from straying? Are you Steve? Cause that's what she may be thinking? She may be thinking if all fails, she'll talk you into taking her in and taking care of her, only if she keeps promising to go to rehab.

So unless you're ready to do that, stop talking to her already!

IF and when she gets sober, and finds a job, and lives on her own drug free, and hopefully desease free,......you might have a chance at a relationship of some sort.

As of now, how it looks, she is pretty unemployable other than the employment she's use to doing on the street and the underworld.

You're giving her false hopes, just as much as she's giving you false hopes.

just this morning I have my addict boyfriend of two years moving out of my house.
yes, he is a beautiful spirit...he is also a cunning addict who lies and uses. I have gone far enough down the spiral and I want my power back. I want my life back. I want a healthier relationship, and I have worked REALLY hard for the last two years on my own program and in codependency and relationship issues and therapy to finally truly believe i really deserve it.

There is often the problem of our own "terminal uniqueness"...OUR relationship will be different. It will be so gorgeous and great when the healing happens...all I have to do is keep working on it...sooooo much work. Still, the addict uses. I think that if I ever encounter another beautiful spirit that speaks in poetic tongue about love...but uses drugs or is only a short while clean...I will take the advice that addicts themselves give..."RUN RUN RUN"

We can't cause it cure it or control it. But we can certainly give our hearts away to it. And we can give weeks, months, years of our life energy to it...

Love. Peace. Life.

that place there is really big. they serve as a shelter and detox and rehab. there are 200 beds for the womans part alone and 350 for men. its a new place that was opened with the thought of always having a bed available that day. this is the one we looked into before i went down there. its free to county residents.

again, i knew its no magic pill. i know that its all about hte work the person outs into it.
i dont know if she even went it. my thoughts are i doubt it. but i am at least glad its onthe table for her.

yeah, i do still get caught up in terminal uniqueness, but i am using my tools to keep myself moving forward. no matter what the pace, i am moving in that direction.

as laurie stated and i believe- she may have been out of her doc and that brought her to that place where she wanted to go. someone could have hooked her up, and now she feels better and doesnt go. i am leaning toward that.

i've just really started working the program for me. i have four naranon meetings a week in my area and the other days i have na and slaa. so i am working on me. yes, i was hoping she would go and was glad to hear it, but i did not place myself on hold or get my hopes up too high. i am the same as i was before she said she was going, unaffected.

AXBF use to call me and tell me he was going to rehab. Then he would say "aren't you proud of me??" He has been in and out of rehabs so many times, that going to rehab was not actions in the right direction for me. Especially since every time he gets out after about 2-4 weeks, he is back to hanging with the drug buddies, no job, no efforts, leeching off anyone who will let him get ahold. Am I hopeful that he will someday get on his path to recovery? yes. But am I willing to stand by and wait for that to happen? Absolutely not, I have my own life to live and enjoy.

yeah. i have heard a lot about people going in but not staying. last year there was a lot of that with her. she'd get to detox but not stay, get to salvation army but not go in. then there was a long period where it was no longer mentioned, until she moved and did the outpatient thing. i really didnt think that would work. over the past few months the only talk of it was after jail and then yesterday. so i realize that even going in, doesnt mean a whole lot. its just that they are so stuck in their addiction, and sad when we are stuck too. but i am freeing myself to reclaim me

Steve, I do believe that you believe that you are unaffected.

If you were indeed unaffected, it wouldn't be such a struggle to go no contact.

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. I lied to myself for a long time, to my own detriment.

yeah, i guess unaffected isnt the right word. maybe not surprised, or not moved, or at least not moved much. yeah i hoped it would happen. but i am not falling from it. i still have my desire to keep working at this. as for no contact, that is still an issue. like i said, that has just started to come up in therapy. i dont chase her down or call to check up, but i do call her back when she calls. so its all steps for me. just gotta get through today.

the concept of no contact alone is difficult for me to carry out. i am just hoping that with less and less of it, that it will come easier for me.

when i was in constant chaos with her and there was a weekly crises, those were hard times. but i think it is harder in a different way to detach. its a different struggle. when she was living here and there was chaos there was still some sort of attachment. this detachment is more difficult, because there is nothing to hold onto. it is letting go. this is the real hard part, so i just havent gotten to nc yet.

Fingers Crossed
 

That one day you will understand this is all about your ego and recovery and nothing to do with her.

anvil-

as i was reading that, i was picturing the list, and saw number 1 just like you wrote. i know that has been the main reason. there is a tie between rehab and just a quick hello (although i am not saying that those are not without a reason). yeah- true- six months, its all been the same ole'. 12 mos same ole'. so i guess i do hope that i hope for something.

i realize that taking the calls keeps me connected and keeps my hope alive. i see more and more about actions and words.


i do realize that this is more about my recovery than hers at this point, and i am glad i am working on that, but i am still not convinced about it being my ego. im not trying to change her or tell her what to do, i have for the most part stepped aside. now where the ego does come into play is that i dont want to be discarded by her. i had that epiphany the other day. not do i want to be replaced. there is that aspect. but that is also because i do like the other parts of her that i have known, but at the same time i can see that i am stuck in the fantasy still. practice not perfection. i am better than i was before and that keeps me moving

If it is not your ego then it is FEAR.

Fear of no more 'drama' in your life.

Fear of not having someone, anyone in your life.

Fear of change,

and the list goes on.

Only when you have finally decided that enough is enough and go NO CONTACT, will your recovery really start.

Until then, every thread is the same ole same ole.

J M H O

How much longer before we actually see a thread TOTALLY ABOUT YOU with not one word about her? Sharing what YOU have been doing.

Had coffee with some friends.

Continuing my meetings.

Continuing to see my therapist.

Have been No Contact XXXX weeks.

Went bowling.

Took a weekend trip and got some great pics.

etc

etc

etc

yes- fear- those are my fears, except maybe the drama one. i am not afraid of losing it, but sure got used to it.

fear of being alone, feeling like letting go, lets go and i no longer have even the idea of her to hold. yes, sounds pathetic. i have never held ot someone so long. i was totally accustomed to being alone. i didnt mind it. but i guess being involved again nearly 2 years took over that.

well, i could list them all again. but i suppose it doesnt matter so much what they are as how to tackle them.

one does stand out, and maybe this is tied with ego. i fear that there is an underlaying connection and i fear losing it. i fear being forgotten about or replaced and i fear that if that happens, that maybe things werent as real as i hoped and there is fear in facing that.

hmm a thread totally about me, i guess that is kind of impossible because there are thoughts about this in my head whatever i do, at least to some extent. last weekend i went with a friend out to some area where i knew there were old trains to photograph. sure i did that, but not far in the back of my mind was the constant thought of other things. i guess it'll still take time