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Does letting go mean we must separate living situations?

Old 01-21-2011, 08:51 AM
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Question Does letting go mean we must separate living situations?

Here's the deal, 2 months ago I caught my AH in a lie that he couldn't get out of, I've actually caught him in several lies but there's always excuses for everything. This time, it was blatant. And I went straight to his parents who had no idea that I have been dealing with my AH's secretive addiction. He used to be an addict and when we met he was sober for 3 years. We were together for 3 years and I was confident that he would not go back to drugs. Two months prior to us getting married I started to see change in his behavior. It is true when they say, a woman always knows when something is up with their husband. I observed him for a few months, I thought he may just be stressed because of the wedding and buying a house at the same time. But after buying the house, he started to leave at odd times of the night and again his behaviour has changed. Sleepless nights...etc...you could see from my last post. Anyway fast forward to two months ago, he admitted to me that he went out and got high with his friends and that he promised he will never go out anymore, and that he will stop his partying ways. He's been pretty good in keeping his promise of coming home after work and not leaving or going out with friends. However the behaviour I would see at least once a week. I tried to talk to him about it, and he said he doesn't need help, he's not an addict to drugs, he's more addicted to money. NON SENSE!! And what else do I want from him? He's been coming home, giving me all his paycheck, and just taking care of the house. ALL TRUE, however I still see the sleeplessness, the constraint voice change, and the jaw clench, and sexual activity wanting to be explicit. Now my question is, I want to let go, but because I do not have anywhere to go, I'm in Chicago with child and my parents are in California, I have to stay here for custody issues with my x-husband. I just do not have a place to go. How can I set my boundaries? How do I not think of him when he's still in the same household? How do I let go of not thinking of where his whereabouts? What do I say to him?
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:56 AM
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Oh I've asked him to get help, and he said he's not an addict...an addict doesn't look like him. Honestly I've never really been around them for me to know. He said that they don't eat...he eats, he said they stink, he smells good and have really good hygiene, they're sloppy, he's not...he's too anal, they can't hold a job, he has a job...I'm thinking he's a functioning addict? He said that it hurts him to know that I think of him that way. Manipulation at its best. Oh and he said that addicts get so mean and paranoid...unlike him, he's so nice I can't tell anymore. I'm in a tornado of confusion. I just don't want this feeling of wondering if he is or not. I want to get to a place where I just don't care.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:49 AM
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I heard that story over and over ..That iam done untill next time..mine says the same and yet he works and is clean ..mean showers ..i donr this 10 years and my heart is not in to it anymore..and like the las post sound like he using crack not sure but he sounds alot like my h
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Old 01-21-2011, 10:20 AM
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Not sure what meth is. But i think he smokes it because his voice changes. It doesn't matter now, I just want to know if it's possible that I go on with my life, but still live with him. I have no where to go, no where to live. As long as he stays in the basement away from my daughter and I, I want to learn to just let go. I don't want to think of him anymore or what he does. Again, what makes me question is the fact that he is giving me his paycheck.
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:42 AM
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My XABF smoked meth. It is a nasty drug with really bad side effects. I'm not sure how long he's been doing it but my ex started off snorting it then eventually moved to smoking it. It took me a long time to see the side effects of paranoia, irrational behavior, staying out all night, even for him to lose his job. He used it for years before that stuff ever happened. BUT once it did there was no going back! I wish I had known early on. My XABF used to give me money as well and made it seem like he couldn't be doing anything wrong because he didn't have any money. What I have since learned is that meth is "a poor man's drug" and his friend told me once that $20 is enough to last a while. Not a long while especially as his tolerance grew but scraping up $20 isn't that hard usually. I also found out (the hard way) that you can trade almost anything for drugs. He had clothes coming up missing that his best friend said he probably traded for drugs. Not even good clothes.

As far as living together I would not recommend it long term. Do whatever you have to to get out on your own. While you say now that it would be living separately think about the effects on you. Would you knowingly have a roommate with those behaviors? If it were me I could see myself getting sucked back into the drama of it all. I had to go no contact completely. Pack his things, make him leave and go no contact.
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Old 01-21-2011, 01:52 PM
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I agree with you, and I need to carefully plan my departure since I do have a pretty stable environment at our house with our daughter. My husband never raised his fingers on me, just his voice and he does it when our daughter is not home. I don't want to be an enabler, but I don't want to always suspect either. I feel like all he tells me are all lies, and there are just times when he shows me proofs that they could be true. I just don't want to hang on to try to find out the truth. I know the truth, and I just want to learn to let go and really map out my departure. How did those people who relied on the other spouse's income survive? Tips please.
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