trying to stay afloat
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
trying to stay afloat
first, a thanks to all who have helped ease my pain and are trying to keep me from feeling more of it.
it's been a weird week thus far. i guess we all take steps back and all learn in our own way in our own time. sometimes there are things i understand but do not implement, things i think i should know i should do but try avoiding them. but, you cannot force this recovery. as the addict has to get sick of their life so do i.
i have had a bit more contact this week. as i said i would be watching for more changes rather than just hearing the words. i have not seen much and a whole new reality is setting in for me. i am realizing that she's got it bad. i beleive part of her watns to stop, but a bigger part wont and i see her doing things that are opposite of trying to recover.
there are other deatils which i wont go into here. you can pm me for those, but they would make your head spin. lies? i am inclined to believe so. why the lies? either to lie to herself or to try to keep me around. i finally called her out on i tand the reply was typical.
so, with the more contact i have i see more of the reality of things. but with the more contact i feel myself getting pulled back in and feeling inner turmoil. it is starting to sink in that no contact may be what is best for me. it had been predicted that this could happen. all i can say is that with my feet barely back in, i do not want to wade out any further.
here is my biggest concern now- i want to be able to back out with compassion, would this be detaching with love? i do beleive she hates herself and her life. ithe only glimmer i see from her is when she speaks of getting clean. i also have heard some impassioned talk about her feeling like a scumbag, and how can ibe freinds with her, and i'll make it all upo to you, and no one will love you like i will when i am clean....
the words dont affect me like they used to. i am finally starting to see that i feel better from the outside of this play.
it's been a weird week thus far. i guess we all take steps back and all learn in our own way in our own time. sometimes there are things i understand but do not implement, things i think i should know i should do but try avoiding them. but, you cannot force this recovery. as the addict has to get sick of their life so do i.
i have had a bit more contact this week. as i said i would be watching for more changes rather than just hearing the words. i have not seen much and a whole new reality is setting in for me. i am realizing that she's got it bad. i beleive part of her watns to stop, but a bigger part wont and i see her doing things that are opposite of trying to recover.
there are other deatils which i wont go into here. you can pm me for those, but they would make your head spin. lies? i am inclined to believe so. why the lies? either to lie to herself or to try to keep me around. i finally called her out on i tand the reply was typical.
so, with the more contact i have i see more of the reality of things. but with the more contact i feel myself getting pulled back in and feeling inner turmoil. it is starting to sink in that no contact may be what is best for me. it had been predicted that this could happen. all i can say is that with my feet barely back in, i do not want to wade out any further.
here is my biggest concern now- i want to be able to back out with compassion, would this be detaching with love? i do beleive she hates herself and her life. ithe only glimmer i see from her is when she speaks of getting clean. i also have heard some impassioned talk about her feeling like a scumbag, and how can ibe freinds with her, and i'll make it all upo to you, and no one will love you like i will when i am clean....
the words dont affect me like they used to. i am finally starting to see that i feel better from the outside of this play.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
yes, Steve..backing out with compassion is detaching with love.
I found that the more I listened to my XAABF, the more confused I became as I tried to make sense of and rationalize what they were saying and how they were living.
It just wasn't reconcilable and I must keep my distance to keep my sanity.
It is a hard lesson that I continue to learn..but the words mean nothing. Nothing. Really.
as wild as it sounds that is the bottom line. nothing.
I suppose mine uses his to fool himself.
But as for me......it just messes my head up, and the best I can do is to pay no attention to it.
I can't do anything about it anyway.
If I could have, I would have.
I tried everything.
It didn't help him and it made me crazy beyond belief.
I found that the more I listened to my XAABF, the more confused I became as I tried to make sense of and rationalize what they were saying and how they were living.
It just wasn't reconcilable and I must keep my distance to keep my sanity.
It is a hard lesson that I continue to learn..but the words mean nothing. Nothing. Really.
as wild as it sounds that is the bottom line. nothing.
I suppose mine uses his to fool himself.
But as for me......it just messes my head up, and the best I can do is to pay no attention to it.
I can't do anything about it anyway.
If I could have, I would have.
I tried everything.
It didn't help him and it made me crazy beyond belief.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
steve, the no contact can be hard but it also gets better in time. once you start this you will notice a change in YOU. you have to be committed though and we sometimes fall off the horse with it but its getting back on that matters. I can relate to them feeling like scumbags or that we hate them. my AH actually said that to me, "do you hate me that much"..my reply finally was "No I hate what you have become"
thats a clear message.
thats a clear message.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Steve,
I agree with Tam, the no contact does get better with time. Detachment with love and compassion, I believe, is very healthy. It is making the decision to do so that is so very hard. Stay strong Brother!
I agree with Tam, the no contact does get better with time. Detachment with love and compassion, I believe, is very healthy. It is making the decision to do so that is so very hard. Stay strong Brother!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
F.o.s.
i was reading some other posts about what different addicts say and all like- i am going to do this , and i am going to do that, and i saw the sun was green today, etc. and i am coming tothe conclusion they are 90% full of ****.
maybe they want to beleive it, but until it happens its just talk. and its making me sick today.
maybe they want to beleive it, but until it happens its just talk. and its making me sick today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
No contact is probably the way 99% of us have had to go to keep us from falling back into the same pattern over and over with the addict. It is hard Steve and you have to make a real commitment to yourself when you decide this is what you are going to do. No contact is not taking her call, e-mails, no quick coffee, no asking anyone questions about her or spying on her. Letting any of it in is only going to cause you more term oil.
Rose
Rose
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sorry you are having a rough time today Steve.
Yes detachment is key. But before you can detach you need to accept that continuing to have her in your life as she is now is unhealthy for you.... very unhealthy.
Don't wait until something tragic and drastic happens to force you to accept that. Because you will NOT be able to prevent those things from happening whether you are there or not. You are not God.
And what about Compassion for Steve?
Yes detachment is key. But before you can detach you need to accept that continuing to have her in your life as she is now is unhealthy for you.... very unhealthy.
Don't wait until something tragic and drastic happens to force you to accept that. Because you will NOT be able to prevent those things from happening whether you are there or not. You are not God.
And what about Compassion for Steve?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Well, when my fog lifted and I began to see things as they were, I felt pretty sick too.
It is a mess.
I am glad you are seeing the truth Steve.
It hurts like hell, but until you were able to see it..you wouldn't be able to accept that it is the truth and reality and then adjust your life accordingly.
I think this is a HUGE step forwards.
It is a mess.
I am glad you are seeing the truth Steve.
It hurts like hell, but until you were able to see it..you wouldn't be able to accept that it is the truth and reality and then adjust your life accordingly.
I think this is a HUGE step forwards.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
Steve, believe in what your gut tells you, but don't beat yourself up if you find yourself in a place where you have been "pulled back in". If you feel better on the "outside of the play", it's probably because being outside of "it" is better for you, emotionally and mentally. I agree with everyone who have said that the no contact at all thing works the best. It's been quite some time since I've dealt with the addict who was part of my life, and I can tell you that at least my experience was it took several times of being torn before I finally,truly broke free. What I'm trying to say is that you seem to realize things now that maybe a few months ago you hadn't, things about the relationship with this woman(who obviously you love) that are harmful, hurtful, or take away from you. Everyone is different, every journey with this cursed disease is different, and during it, we fall and rise.
I would like to say this to you. The addict in my life was at one time "The One", the one that I finally found after 42 years who I truly wanted to marry after a 13 year failed marriage. I can't say that my life hasn't been changed because of that, but what I can say is that there is happiness, peace, satisfaction after it all, no matter how much you feel you love her.
From time to time, I still get text messages from my exagf. I won't lie, I read them sometimes, but I don't respond, I delete them, and carry on. Doing so doesn't mean that I have never given a thought in my head about how much I loved that woman, I just don't dwell on it and give it the same thought and feelings I did say 1 1/2 years ago. She chose to continue living the lifestyle she chose. There actually does come a moment where you really don't care about "What if's" and reach a point of "Who freakin cares?" They all choose to do what they do. We have no control over it. We only have control over ourselves, what we do, in response or NO response to what they do, and what we choose to do to make ourselves happier and healthier
I would like to say this to you. The addict in my life was at one time "The One", the one that I finally found after 42 years who I truly wanted to marry after a 13 year failed marriage. I can't say that my life hasn't been changed because of that, but what I can say is that there is happiness, peace, satisfaction after it all, no matter how much you feel you love her.
From time to time, I still get text messages from my exagf. I won't lie, I read them sometimes, but I don't respond, I delete them, and carry on. Doing so doesn't mean that I have never given a thought in my head about how much I loved that woman, I just don't dwell on it and give it the same thought and feelings I did say 1 1/2 years ago. She chose to continue living the lifestyle she chose. There actually does come a moment where you really don't care about "What if's" and reach a point of "Who freakin cares?" They all choose to do what they do. We have no control over it. We only have control over ourselves, what we do, in response or NO response to what they do, and what we choose to do to make ourselves happier and healthier
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
AA Big Book - Chapter 5: How It Works
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
i want to be able to back out with compassion - Backing out...however it's done...is the best gift you could give her...it may be a first step in her getting "real" with herself and beginning her recovery.
At this point in my relationship with exah, I HAVE to have no contact, and I told him this recently. The more interaction I have with him, the worse I feel. It's like the old saying, "old habits die hard." And in my case, that is right on the mark. Even when I try to avoid the pitfalls...if I have any length of conversation with exah, we're right back where we started. And I HATE it!!! And I'll replay the conversation and think "Why did I say this?" or "Why didn't I just shut my mouth?" And I am finally just sick and tired of feeling that way after our interactions. I've realized the only way I can move on is to not have contact with him. So, I told him that. If we need to discuss the girls it can be done via email or text...it's the best for me...and ultimately then, our daughters.
If interaction with her is taking you backwards, only you can extricate yourself from the situation. If you're like me, it may take some time...but eventually, you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired! I wish you the best!
At this point in my relationship with exah, I HAVE to have no contact, and I told him this recently. The more interaction I have with him, the worse I feel. It's like the old saying, "old habits die hard." And in my case, that is right on the mark. Even when I try to avoid the pitfalls...if I have any length of conversation with exah, we're right back where we started. And I HATE it!!! And I'll replay the conversation and think "Why did I say this?" or "Why didn't I just shut my mouth?" And I am finally just sick and tired of feeling that way after our interactions. I've realized the only way I can move on is to not have contact with him. So, I told him that. If we need to discuss the girls it can be done via email or text...it's the best for me...and ultimately then, our daughters.
If interaction with her is taking you backwards, only you can extricate yourself from the situation. If you're like me, it may take some time...but eventually, you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired! I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
Steve- Thank goodness the words don't affect you as much as they did. I doubt she will feel that you can compassionately back out of the relationship. You may just have to tell her that you have to sever contact for your own recovery but that she will be in your thoughts/prayers. Based on your past posts, it seems you have already tried more direct help/support in the past but it has not helped. It is time for you to move on as best you can. Stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i dont know why i feel so lost today. it feels back to step one but different. the reality may be setting in deeper and it makes it all the worse.
i think when we interact, we try to pretend everything is normal. maybe i try to provide her a few moments of normalacy in her life. i know she is deep in her world and she tells me a lot, but there is so much more i am sure i dont know and that pains me too.
i do think of her as poor sad girl. maybe i shouldn't. it breaks my heart to have to go no contact. it makes me feel bad. it makes me feel she has no more old friends. it makes me feel sad for her.
this is going to be the hardest thing i have ever done- letting go of someone so ill, so lost, so in pain.
i am hurting too. not as bad as before, but more than i was. it tears me apart to see the suffering and the slow response to it. i pray she gets better. not for me. but for her.
i am starting to see more of the need for me to take care of me so i can get better too. i'm back in limbo.
i am naive i guess. i believe her when she says how much i mean to her, but i understand she cannot give me what i need. she says the same. i think i just need time to regroup to. a night alone will help me go through my thoughts. i have to do this soon. i cant stay this way. i cant. at the same time, i cant make the cut.
it has to be one or the other. i either stay where i am in limbo, or make things better for me. i wish i was a stronger person sometimes. i can tell myself i am strong remaining her friend, but i am not sure if it is strength or weakness or both.
i think when we interact, we try to pretend everything is normal. maybe i try to provide her a few moments of normalacy in her life. i know she is deep in her world and she tells me a lot, but there is so much more i am sure i dont know and that pains me too.
i do think of her as poor sad girl. maybe i shouldn't. it breaks my heart to have to go no contact. it makes me feel bad. it makes me feel she has no more old friends. it makes me feel sad for her.
this is going to be the hardest thing i have ever done- letting go of someone so ill, so lost, so in pain.
i am hurting too. not as bad as before, but more than i was. it tears me apart to see the suffering and the slow response to it. i pray she gets better. not for me. but for her.
i am starting to see more of the need for me to take care of me so i can get better too. i'm back in limbo.
i am naive i guess. i believe her when she says how much i mean to her, but i understand she cannot give me what i need. she says the same. i think i just need time to regroup to. a night alone will help me go through my thoughts. i have to do this soon. i cant stay this way. i cant. at the same time, i cant make the cut.
it has to be one or the other. i either stay where i am in limbo, or make things better for me. i wish i was a stronger person sometimes. i can tell myself i am strong remaining her friend, but i am not sure if it is strength or weakness or both.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
All the time I was feeling sorry for my exab, I was wondering who feels sorry for me? Who is there to take care of me? I needed it. I needed as much effort being put into me and I was putting into him. No one else was going to do it for me, not certinaly him, so I stepped up and am taking care of me now. Steve, I know it is tough. Man, I know how hard it is. But the beautiful thing about all of this turmoil and pain is you have a chance to recover, and that choice is yours. Take care of you....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
tara-
sometimes i feel so close, i feel so ready to do it. i feel i it inside. i feel the freedom it will give me. but i get stuck as i run to get out. its like charlie brown and lucy with the football. i'm gonna get it this time.....i cant do it. i am the only thing holding me back.
sometimes i feel so close, i feel so ready to do it. i feel i it inside. i feel the freedom it will give me. but i get stuck as i run to get out. its like charlie brown and lucy with the football. i'm gonna get it this time.....i cant do it. i am the only thing holding me back.
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