suki44883

It's for the best. You know that. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Callie

Yes, the police arrested him. FIL called the police and they stopped Aunt last night on his way back from the ER. He's in jail. Not sure how I feel right now. Everything is still spinning. He's probably scared to death right now and sick as a dog. In the end, he had chance after chance after chance. I have to keep that focus.

Gonna stay holed up in the house today and spend this rainy day with the kids. I did talk with them. They handled it very well so far. I think we're going to stay in our pajamas all day and just veg out. We have a busy week ahead. I love my kids so much and they are such awesome kids.

suki44883

Thanks for the update, Callie. Yeah, just veg out with your kids today. Order pizza and watch funny movies or something.

You've been a real trooper through all of this, and while you are probably right about him being scared and sick right now, you are also right about him having had chance after chance to get help for himself. This is the part where he faces the consequences of his actions and that is something we all must do at some point. It might turn out that jail is the best thing for him in the long run. At least he'll be safe and alive, even though he's gonna hurt like hell for a while.

In any case, it's out of your hands and now you can focus all your energies on you and the kids. They need you and you need them.

Impurrfect

(((Callie))) - Thanks for the update - I fell asleep, about 6 a.m., wondering if he was in jail.

Please listen to ((Suki)) and ((Anvil)). If it you slip into thinking about him/feeling sorry for him, I can tell you that I needed ever single second, every humiliating moment, every feeling of shame/remorse/loneliness that I felt in jail. Even a month into my jail sentence, I was still focused on my still-using ABF, so please.....let him deal with him for as long as you can.

You have you and the kids to focus on. This is a good thing

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

Thank you guys. Amy, your post made me feel so much better. I didn't know you were in jail.

YOU get the by far better end of the deal.

Yes, I do. My kids slept with me last night. I woke up this rainy morning to a headful of hear nuzzled up to me. I am so thankful to be able to be able to stroke their hair or watch them sleep. AH no longer has that luxury.

I sat the kids down and told them where Daddy was. We talked for about an hour. I told them that they could come to me at any time with any questions that they had. DS later came up to me and said mom, I have a question. I said what is it? He said is dad in one of those orange jump suits or stripes? It was a valid question for him. So sad, yet funny @ the same time. I said we'll have to ask him when we talk to him.

Freedom1990

Remember Callie, you have the power to remove yourself from the situation rather than waiting on the divorce/when he ends up in jail.

You're not a victim anymore. You're a willing volunteer when you keep giving his family the power to engage you emotionally.

Impurrfect

((Callie)) - That's kind of funny about the jumpsuits Let's see...I wore one with the black/white stripes (county jail overnight), one solid red one (county jail for a month) and one solid khaki one (diversion center, first week until I could wear "real clothes") The diversion center was like a work release center...had to have a job, but still in custody and had to pay RENT to be in custody - was there almost 5 months.

And I needed to be there every single day I was there.

I'm glad you have such a great relationship with your kids and that you have your family all around so you 3 are surrounded by love.

The rain hasn't started here, yet, but it's on it's way. As I snuggle up with my cats, I'll be thinking of you and the kids...keeping you all in my prayers. You're going to be okay, though. Yes, your heart aches, and I'm not discounting that. It's just that life really does go on.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

Amy I don't know what AH is facing. Not sure if it's actual hard time or what. There is a diversion center that our court works with. Not sure if he'll end up there or not. At this point I think his attorney dropped him for not showing up. It's his deal now though. AH has jumped through every hoop to avoid jail. I'd say he'll be doing whatever he can to get out.

You're not a victim anymore. You're a willing volunteer when you keep giving his family the power to engage you emotionally

I 100% agree with you Freedom. I am a willing volunteer. I'm trying to drag myself out of the loop. Today is the first day in a long while where my phone isn't blowing up. Other than talking with my family it's been quiet. I'm glad for that. The kids and I are heading to grab a pizza, some junk food and a movie. We'll be spending tonight doing nothing. They're out for spring break all week. I promised them that it will be fun filled and busy.

Impurrfect

((Callie)) - junk food and a movie - now THAT sounds like fun!! Enjoy spring break with the kids, let AH face whatever he needs to face and those of us who love you will keep you all in our prayers.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

Good for you! Enjoy those children!

I had a wonderful time when my grandkids were at my house during spring break.

Chino

And you don't want to sever all ties with his family either. You know what this means, right? Establishing boundaries with his family. Some boundaries may end up being different for each of his family members, too, simply because of the different personalities.

I don't discuss much about my daughter with my mom, because she's a control freak. I'll talk all day long with my stepmother, though, because she works the steps and we speak the same language.

By the way, if you are indeed worrying about your AH, I want to give you a piece of hope. My daughter's old bf went to jail for nine months and had to detox off methadone, dilaudid and xanax the old fashioned way. It was rough (that's an understatement) but he's still clean since he got out. He said he never wants to go through that again and he's diligent about his recovery program. It's the first time in ten years he's 100% clean, no ORT, no anti-depressants, no alcohol, nothing. He's just happy to be alive

Callie

Chino - ah yes, boundaries. I think my boundary is that I will deal with them personally. I can't deal with them about with or around AH. I can take them 1 on 1, but not with AH involved. MIL takes a 'tone' with me. SIL understands the most, but he's still her brother, same with his other family. They understand, but blood is thicker than h20. I can deal with them, any of them. But it can't be about AH or anything like that.

I do think about AH. He's about 24 hours into withdrawal. He's probably sicker than a dog. I know he used prior to the police taking him last night - so the worst is ahead of him. I keep thinking about what Amy said in that she needed every second, every minute, every hour (sorry, paraphrasing you amy) of what they dealt her to face herself and her own addiction. I picture him curled up in an orange jump suit sick as a dog with just himself. I know he deserves this, I know he needs to go through this. I just hope it teaches him a lesson.

I cannot tell you how many times I knowingly and unknowingly tried to detox him. Heating pads, chicken noodle soup, sprite, his fan, cinnamon toast, crackers etc. He'd last through about 2-3 days and then off and running. He's got he)) to pay the next few days. I just have to keep reminding myself that HE chose this route. NOTHING I said or did mattered.

Back to junk food and movie night. 1 movie down, 2 to go.

Callie

BTW - when I rounded up the kids earlier to go to the store after our talk...I said, hey let's get loaded up. I need to get a few things @ the store. I asked them what kind of candy and junk food they wanted. Their eyes grew larger and ds said 'ok, what did you do with our mom!' lol. I'm kind of a health nut, so it shocked them. It's been an ok day given what we've had to deal with.

tjp613

Sounds like you're doing real well, Callie. I'm really proud of you and so grateful that you've managed to untangle yourself from the drama as much as you have.

Who knows why these awful things happen? I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Good things often-times spring from the most horrible circumstances so you just have to keep moving toward acceptance and faith that All Is Well. I saw a show this morning about a man who started a non-profit women's safety and self-defense program that travels around the entire country and they've taught thousands and thousands of women techniques that could save their lives if they're ever attacked. He started the agency after his 19 year old daughter was found beaten and murdered. Her life ended but maybe saved hundreds more! Stories like these help me to "hand it over" and find peace in the midst of my own crises. It takes courage and character to really accept such hardships, but you have both of those, Callie. God keep you and bless you.

StillLearning1

I have to admit, I thought the same thing.

This is just my experience, and it came from exhaustion not any knowledge on my part.
But every time there was some crisis caused by my ex, people would tell me to do something fun with the kids. One can only go to the zoo, amusement park, movies or whatever else.. so many times. Eventually I was exhausted.. physically and financially!

When I finally admitted it, to myself and my kids. Just told them, "I'm sorry but I can't make it better today." Yep those were some hard days. Not alot of fun for any of us. But looking back, that is when we all truly hit our bottoms and detached.

PacNorwesterner

I pray that MIL doesn't bail him out. As others have suggested, he needs to go through this uncomfortable detox. He needs to stay in jail long enough for his head to clear. Hopefully, with enough drug free days, he may receptive to a long-term rehab; but rehab won't be as effective even he isn't clear headed when he enters. JMO

outtolunch

Sounds like you have an expectation of an outcome. More than likely, when he does not learn a lesson, this will upset you.

You can get off this roller coaster any time you want.

Callie

You're really not even considering allowing your children to talk to him or visit him in jail are you?

No, absolutely not. I will not be taking the kids to visit him at all. I am not sure how I feel about him speaking with them on the phone. I haven't sorted that out right now and will probably talk with my parents about their thoughts. What are SR's thoughts? I'm leaning towards no contact, I don't want any promises or empty promises made to them.

Callie

One can only go to the zoo, amusement park, movies or whatever else.. so many times. Eventually I was exhausted.. physically and financially!

I have to admit I feel that way right now. Right now I'm sick with a head cold, sore throat. I am bombarded @ work. Baseball practice starts tonight. It's cold and rainy, I have a tax appointment tonight and I'm not prepared.

Outto, thanks for pointing that out. I guess I do have an expectation that this will change him. I need to remove that expectation.

Pac - no chance for bail. He's probably going to be there for 3-4 months it sounds like. I think he's being arraigned (?) today and they'll reset his court dates and he'll remain in holding.

It's been a he(( of a weekend and I appreciate my SR buddies getting me through it.

MrsMagoo

(((Callie))). You're doing great! You can breathe and you haven't been able to take a deep cleansing breath in a very long time have you? Do it and then do it again. Let yourself relax and concentrate solely on you and the kids (and your work).

I'm very proud of you! I sure hope the divorce paperwork gets signed and filed ASAP. Keep reclaiming your life Callie!