MrsMagoo

Yay for you Callie!!! I think you have a really good plan and being busy is good, especially now as long as you're not running yourself into the groud but it doesn't sound like anything you are doing is unhealthy. Sleeping with both eyes closed is a blessing and a miracle isn't it?

Babs

I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair..............

I did the same thing, Callie. It was more than a physical cleansing, it was a spiritual cleansing. It had been a long, long time since I had felt clean.

We couldn't tell you about detachment before, because you were not ready to hear yet. True learning is when we discover something for ourselves from our own experience. The tuition is high, but the lesson is forever.

And just wait! This is just the beginning. There are many more blessings ahead!!!

You GO Girl!
Babs

Callie

Hey guys...I'm divorced. I got the paperwork today. We would have been married 15 years this July. We've been together for 23 years.

I am relieved I suppose. I've been very busy @ work and with the kids. AH is still in jail. He's now sober. Doesn't remember most of the last 6 months. I did block calls from him, but I'll be honest I have spoken with him a few times in the last month. He can purchase a calling card through the commissary and it doesn't show up as a number. I think now that he's clean that he thinks he can just apologize, walk the right direction and everyone will forgive him. That's not the case this time AT ALL. Not just with me, but with my family, with society etc. Everyone is just disgusted at his actions. I'm trying to integrate myself back into society. I have so isolated myself because of the shame and embarassment of his actions. Really, the only things that I would do publically other than go to the store or whatever are to run my kids around to baseball, softball, 4-h etc.

It feels good to be out. It also feels good to have the support of my community. Baby steps for me I guess. The kids are doing really well. They're doing so much better since they know what's going on. I've tried to keep the lines of communication open. When things slow down for me (work) I am going to spend more 1 on 1 time with them individually. It's hard because there is just 1 of me and they're with me all the time that I'm not @ work.

Anyway, just wanted to update you. I'm officially divorced! I am so ready to move on to the next DRUG FREE chapter in my life.

suki44883

Thanks for the update, Callie. You sound really good and I'm glad to know the kids are, too. Hang in there, gal. Things are going to get better and better.

Callie

Things are going to get better and better.

You know what Suki, I know they will. Day by day, inch by inch. I don't miss ANY of the drama, I miss who I thought he was. But in reality he never was that. I am honestly so worn down and tired from all of this. The drugs, the drama, the inlaws, the court crap, the divorce. . . but yet am excited to start my new life. OUR (kids and I's) new life. My kids are 9. So much has been 'put on hold' waiting, helping, hoping for him to get better. Now that's on him. If he chooses to get better, he will. If not he won't. I will no longer risk being a 'handful of pills from not being better.'

I'm excited for the future, but so dang tired from the past! On a positive note, I got a new haircut/color. I've been stressed out enough that I've lost the 'extra weight' that prevented me from fitting in my jeans! I've been asked out a couple of times. Declined though. I am nowhere near even being close to wanting to date. I want to regroup for myself, get my heart, mind, spirit, body where I want it and most importantly, I'm wanting to be the best mom for my kids that I can be.

I am also so very grateful for my family. They've been awesome.

suki44883

Well, you've really been through the ringer over the last year or so. You really do need the time to just concentrate on your new life. You are very smart to put off dating and I think it's great that you got a new haircut and color! You go, girl!!

coffeedrinker

thanks for the update, callie.

Impurrfect

(((Callie)))

Fantastic news, and YOU sound just awesome!!

I'm really glad that you and the kids are doing great, and that you are getting back out into the community. I truly believe that people were probably more CONCERNED about you, than any of the other feelings you think they felt, and that's because they care.

I think back to your first posts, and to where you are now. I'm so glad that you brought us along on your journey, and i hope that many newcomers will go back and read "where you were" vs "where you are" to see that, even when the relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean life is over. Far from it....you get a chance to relcaim your life and do things that make you happy...without all the stress/drama/chaos of addiction sucking the very life OUT of you.

I'm so very proud of you, and even MORE happy for you and the kids.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Babs

Why do we wait so long? What are we so afraid of?

I am happier since my divorce than I was for 15 years prior, but it took his 7th (count them, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7th!!!) time in jail to make me finally do it. Why do we cling so tenaciously to that from which we beg to be released????

Good luck to you, my friend. I hope you find some peace, some joy, some serenity. What I found was that I was never more alone than when I was WITH my XAH. I worried for a while that I had "flunked Al-Anon" by choosing to divorce, but that didn't last very long, and now, looking back, I don't know how I did it as long as I did.

I still mourn him....but now I celebrate ME!

Babs

hello-kitty

Hi Cal. Congratulations. I know how hard it is. I have found that I'm fighting a battle years later but now it's a different battle - it's the battle to retain the peace and serenity I fought so hard to gain. Now it's worth it. Because it's for me and my son. I'm winning now and I couldn't be happier.

You are winning too.

Callie

Thanks guys. I am totally all over the place as to how I feel. I KNOW I'm on the right path and making the right decisions, but I def am going through the grief process. Especially since he's now 30 days clean. He doesn't remember most of the last 6 months. I knew he wouldn't. He's now saying things like 'what can I do to make things right?' I'm like are you kidding me? You didn't just dramatize things or upset things or make things uncomfortable. You TERRORIZED ME! You were a monster.

I've talked with him maybe 4x since he's been in jail, but the letters have been sailing in. I know, don't open, don't read, return to sender. I guess I was in so much shock initially to make that decision.

Chino

Callie, some of the wise ladies here have mentioned PTSD when it comes to the insanity of living with addiction. I believe it's a valid point especially in situations like yours. Between that and grieving, there's an awful lot on your plate to work through. One day at a time, Callie, and you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

tjp613

Yes, Callie -- do be careful about monitoring your mental state. If it gets to be too much, please seek a counselor to help you get through it. Be careful about reading the letters and taking the calls....they will keep you anchored there and unable to move through your grieving in a healthy way. I know you're smart -- just be wise, too.

(((Hugs)))

sofacat

Hey Callie....

I was painting my bathroom tonight, and you popped into my head. I'm glad you are doing okay.....sounds like the house stuff we have in common!

You are in my thoughts and I was glad to come here tonight and catch up on your progress.

It helps so much to see how far you have come!!

hello-kitty

Yeah! Cuz he's in jail!!

I know its tough advice to follow but there is a reason everyone says don't read the jail house letters... addicts will say ANYTHING when they are in jail to try to secure a soft place to land when they get out. They will say ANYTHING to try to convince themselves that what they did wasn't that bad (or their responsibility) and to repair their relationships with their enablers. Jail is just a time out from active addiction. Most addicts go back to using when they get out because unless they are working an active program of recovery in the real world they just can't maintain.

It's not about the drugs. It's about why they used the drugs in the first place.

Your EX husband is a very sick and disturbed man. Being in jail isn't going to fix that.

The longer you go with out him, the easier and more sane your life will become - if you want it that way.

Unfortunately, ya know when the nightmare comes back? When the addict gets out of jail. At least that's the way it has been for me and countless others who post on their website.

Enforce your bondaries chica. Start now so it's easier when he gets out.

rayofsunshine

Kitty's right about the jailhouse letters. I was going through a drawer this morning while looking for a paper I needed. I found a letter I had saved from exAH when he first went to prison. The words... "I'm really done this time. This is it for me.... along with how he was working out, playing volleyball, eating right, he'd lost 25 lbs. He was going to Bible studies, etc."

He always did good in a structured enviroment... but as soon as he was back home, back to the real world.. he was back to using within months.

Just keep your eyes wide open, Callie. Keep trusting your gut. You have come so far.
The grieving process is hard... just keep busy with your kids, take good care of yourself.
You'll start to feel better in time.

Bernadette

Callie -
Glad your divorce is final. That's a huge hurdle.

He forgot all the bad stuff he did?

Amnesia is not a side effect of opiates. His "forgetting" is a convenient ploy. An addict in recovery would never say "I forget what I did!" The recovered addicts I know wish they could forget, but remembering helps keep them sober!

If you read back over your threads maybe you will notice a pattern that I did: a few days on your own and you are sounding confident and forward-looking. Then some kind of contact w/ him, contact which you maybe don't initiate but you do choose to accept, and you start posting that you feel all over the place, and you start posting about him again and what he is telling you. Hmmmmmmmmm.....

He's your drug. And be messes with your head when you take him.

peace-
b

MrsMagoo

Well, once again, I'm a little late but still want to say WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

I know it's sad and there will be times when you wonder if you did the right thing Callie but you sound FANTASTIC and positive. What you've been through does not go away with the stroke of a judge's pen and you are much different than the day you first showed up at SR asking questions.