My AH will be going to jail soon...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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(((Callie)))
If he can call you, he can call rehab himself.
If he can call you, he can call an attorney and get the "courts worked out" himself.
It seems to me that if you keep answering the phone, you keep getting hooked, angry, and you ruin your own day going over broken promises made by an active addict.
You may find yourself happier if you focus on happy times with your children and take care of what you need to in order to protect yourself, your children, and your finances.
Hugs and prayers, HG
If he can call you, he can call rehab himself.
If he can call you, he can call an attorney and get the "courts worked out" himself.
It seems to me that if you keep answering the phone, you keep getting hooked, angry, and you ruin your own day going over broken promises made by an active addict.
You may find yourself happier if you focus on happy times with your children and take care of what you need to in order to protect yourself, your children, and your finances.
Hugs and prayers, HG
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by Callie 
I get a call this am from AH. Showed up on caller id as just an 800 #.
I never ever pick up when it's an 800# because I have no desire to talk to strangers.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I get a call this am from AH. Showed up on caller id as just an 800 #. He'd gotten a calling card. He's like how are you doing, what's going on, what's wrong. I'm like are YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME!!!! What's RIGHT right now. I asked him about the empty envelope, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, doesn't remember and he's sorry. He asked if our goldendoodle had puppies, um yea - TWO WEEKS ago. I tried to get YOU to do their dew claws. Oh, he doesn't remember, he's sorry.
He's wondering if I can just get a rehab lined up, work with the courts to get him out. Sure sunshine, I'll get right on that. I WAS trying to do that prior to all of his court stuff. Once he skipped out on the date all bets were off as far as the courts are concerned.
He's wondering if I can just get a rehab lined up, work with the courts to get him out. Sure sunshine, I'll get right on that. I WAS trying to do that prior to all of his court stuff. Once he skipped out on the date all bets were off as far as the courts are concerned.
Outtolunch's boundary is very similar to mine. I will not answer unknown callers. (Sometimes I screw up but I always regret it.) If it's important, they will leave a message and I will call them back.
If he can call you, he can call rehab himself.
If he can call you, he can call an attorney and get the "courts worked out" himself.
If he can call you, he can call an attorney and get the "courts worked out" himself.
He's still playing the same ol' record. Gak. I wouldn't even want to talk to him.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thanks guys - I've been answering 800 calls because my home phone is alwo my business phone. Plus I'm telling creditors (his) to call his mom's 
. He called my cell phone several times beyond calling my home phone and I let it go to voice mail.
Anvil, I'm just getting home from a 13 hour work day. I'm going to print that out. I def. see some similarities there. I skimmed through it and found correlations with about 70% of those descriptions. Man.......
Divorce papers should be signed today. BUT because of the way it's done he has 14 days to contest it from the time of being served. I don't want that to happen, so I'm trying to just stay out of the way and not get involved in any hostility.
MM- I'm def following your advice because you're right...he's sounding much better. You know me too well girl... I keep replaying all the lies, the deceit, manipulation etc. Over and over in my head. When I hear him sober, I immediately play the tape THROUGH all of the bad that he's done. I've not been allowing myself to press pause during the good times before the bad times come. At any given time he's a handful of pills away from going back to that.
Suki, you're right...talking with him messes with my day. As soon as I got off the phone with him MIL calls, SIL calls, Aunt calls...what's going on, what did he say? I didn't get out the door on time and was a stressed out panicky mess. The reason THEY called is because a bail bondsman called Aunt and the chain reaction starts. I did answer the 1st call from SIL, but simply said I've gotta go - you can pass the message on if you wish. It seriously took me an hour to calm down. I hate that feeling, but it's become all too familiar.
On a positive note, the vehicle crap should be straightened out shortly. An error on the insurance co's end. Thank goodness!
. He called my cell phone several times beyond calling my home phone and I let it go to voice mail.Anvil, I'm just getting home from a 13 hour work day. I'm going to print that out. I def. see some similarities there. I skimmed through it and found correlations with about 70% of those descriptions. Man.......
Divorce papers should be signed today. BUT because of the way it's done he has 14 days to contest it from the time of being served. I don't want that to happen, so I'm trying to just stay out of the way and not get involved in any hostility.
MM- I'm def following your advice because you're right...he's sounding much better. You know me too well girl...
I keep replaying all the lies, the deceit, manipulation etc. Over and over in my head. When I hear him sober, I immediately play the tape THROUGH all of the bad that he's done. I've not been allowing myself to press pause during the good times before the bad times come. At any given time he's a handful of pills away from going back to that.Suki, you're right...talking with him messes with my day. As soon as I got off the phone with him MIL calls, SIL calls, Aunt calls...what's going on, what did he say? I didn't get out the door on time and was a stressed out panicky mess. The reason THEY called is because a bail bondsman called Aunt and the chain reaction starts. I did answer the 1st call from SIL, but simply said I've gotta go - you can pass the message on if you wish. It seriously took me an hour to calm down. I hate that feeling, but it's become all too familiar.
On a positive note, the vehicle crap should be straightened out shortly. An error on the insurance co's end. Thank goodness!
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Join Date: May 2008
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I figure I need to eliminate any trigger. That stuff stresses me out because I'm always on time with my bills and for the last 1.5 years I've begged, pleaded, yelled and screamed to get that taken care of. I'm also having his mail forwarded to his mom's. I haven't done so yet, because I'm waiting for pertinant info (life insurance, statements etc) to come so that i can change it to my address since I'm paying it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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Callie,
I was driving yesterday and started thinking about some of the S/R peeps.
Then I wondered about your STBXAH and the phone call the other day and I thought
"HUH?? I thought he was in major withdrawal right now. How could he have sounded decent?"
Is my timeline screwed up, or is he perhaps getting some "assistance"?
I was driving yesterday and started thinking about some of the S/R peeps.
Then I wondered about your STBXAH and the phone call the other day and I thought
"HUH?? I thought he was in major withdrawal right now. How could he have sounded decent?"
Is my timeline screwed up, or is he perhaps getting some "assistance"?
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Join Date: May 2008
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He'd be on day 7 or 8 by now. I have no idea about the 'assistance'. I guess I'm comparing the wacked out benzo high with a normal sounding person. He's not in the general population, more of a 'holding area'. It's harder to get things in this area than it is in an actual prison.
Who knows. You all would be proud. I didn't take a single call from him today.
Who knows. You all would be proud. I didn't take a single call from him today.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Had a friend some years back that served jail time....and if memory serves, every time he called me collect, the jail also tacked on an automatic charge as well. It got real expensive. I'd hate to see you still "paying" for his mess. Glad to hear you didn't talk to Him....I'd take Cynical up on her advice on blocking the number. He can write you a letter....the old fashioned way.
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Originally Posted by sofacat
....I'd take Cynical up on her advice on blocking the number. He can write you a letter....the old fashioned way.
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Join Date: May 2008
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No there's nothing worth paying for. He could call me prior to this for free. Of course 'I' was the one whom he could care less to speak too. He wouldn't take my calls. Said 'gotta go, I'm eatin' I'll call you right back'. I'm werkin (working) will call you back later. I'm on the other line, call you in a sec. Orrrr, my two fav's.....pick up the phone and hang up like it was a dropped call OR block my number and let it go straight to vm leading me to believe his phone was off. Or a 3rd fav was I'm sorry, I had the ringer off. 4th fav was...sorry, I dropped the phone in between the seats and didnt hear it ringng. FOR HOURS ON END.
Nope, nuthin I need to say right now. I hope that he gets the help that he needs, but I hope that I can get the he)) outta dodge while he's doing it.
Nope, nuthin I need to say right now. I hope that he gets the help that he needs, but I hope that I can get the he)) outta dodge while he's doing it.
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Cold turkey is what I had to do when my XAH was in jail. Those phone calls were like a dime bag to an addict. If the guilt and pity didn't get me, the vindictiveness of telling him "No" and enjoying it did. Unhealthy either way.
I loved it when he was in jail, because he could not just show up here. He could only get to me if I allowed it......so it wasn't him I had to monitor, it was me.
Don't answer that phone. Answering it is just inviting the chaos back into your life. You can't blame him if YOU pick up the phone. We are just as addicted as they are, aren't we?! And if we can't control our own impulses, how can we expect them to control theirs?
Hang in there, the end is in sight.....keep your eyes on that prize. There IS life after being married to an addict!
Babs
I loved it when he was in jail, because he could not just show up here. He could only get to me if I allowed it......so it wasn't him I had to monitor, it was me.
Don't answer that phone. Answering it is just inviting the chaos back into your life. You can't blame him if YOU pick up the phone. We are just as addicted as they are, aren't we?! And if we can't control our own impulses, how can we expect them to control theirs?
Hang in there, the end is in sight.....keep your eyes on that prize. There IS life after being married to an addict!
Babs
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Don't answer that phone. Answering it is just inviting the chaos back into your life.
That it does. I blocked the pay calls. He'd called several times yesterday and didn't take any calls. I DID take it today. Got online at the company website and found out that when I take a call, they'll send me a text and I reply STOP. I did that, so no more calls from him.
The brief 5 minutes was enough to get us both worked up.
Kids and I had a good day yesterday. Went to church, then to my parents with my sister and her kids and my grandpa. They played outside all day, found easter eggs, rode around in the golf cart etc. We got home last night and the kids said, 'mom, today was so fun!'
The more I step away the clearer it becomes. SIL and AH's aunt went to see him yesterday and said he looks really good. Even that tidbit of info riled me up. For YEARS he's been so deathly afraid of being dopesick. Today, for now he's off of everything - even cigarettes. SIL said he was shakey still, but given the amount of benzo's he's taken that's understandable. I've seen first hand how good he can look when he sobers up - but I won't go down that road again. At any given time he's a handful of pills to not being that person.
That it does. I blocked the pay calls. He'd called several times yesterday and didn't take any calls. I DID take it today. Got online at the company website and found out that when I take a call, they'll send me a text and I reply STOP. I did that, so no more calls from him.
The brief 5 minutes was enough to get us both worked up.
Kids and I had a good day yesterday. Went to church, then to my parents with my sister and her kids and my grandpa. They played outside all day, found easter eggs, rode around in the golf cart etc. We got home last night and the kids said, 'mom, today was so fun!'
The more I step away the clearer it becomes. SIL and AH's aunt went to see him yesterday and said he looks really good. Even that tidbit of info riled me up. For YEARS he's been so deathly afraid of being dopesick. Today, for now he's off of everything - even cigarettes. SIL said he was shakey still, but given the amount of benzo's he's taken that's understandable. I've seen first hand how good he can look when he sobers up - but I won't go down that road again. At any given time he's a handful of pills to not being that person.
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"At any given time he's a handful of pills to not being that person."
Right now, absolutley! I'm glad you had a normal and enjoyable Easter.
You don't need to know that STBEXAH looks good or anything else. It's all subtle manipulation from in-laws whether they know it or not. They are not where they need to be to not acknowledge that a little tour in the county jail isn't going to "cure" your husband of his demons. It's going to take a lot of work and they can't do it for him. You've learned that and know it but they aren't receptive to what you know.
Kudos for blocking his phone calls to Callie!!! That's hard core girl but I think this little taste of "liberation" looks really good on you!
Right now, absolutley! I'm glad you had a normal and enjoyable Easter.
You don't need to know that STBEXAH looks good or anything else. It's all subtle manipulation from in-laws whether they know it or not. They are not where they need to be to not acknowledge that a little tour in the county jail isn't going to "cure" your husband of his demons. It's going to take a lot of work and they can't do it for him. You've learned that and know it but they aren't receptive to what you know.
Kudos for blocking his phone calls to Callie!!! That's hard core girl but I think this little taste of "liberation" looks really good on you!
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Just wanted to update.
I FINALLY got my divorce paperwork signed!! He has 14 days to contest it.
Guys, since detaching and him being gone, I have to say that I am feeling GREAT! I am getting a TON done around the house. Just today I cleaned the garage, powerwashed the floor, the back patio, sidewalks, landing. I've been working my yard and it's looking really good. I've been doing a ton of things.
It's like all the energy that I've put into him can finally go towards much needed things done around the house, yard, shed etc. This makes me feel so much better!
The kids are doing really well. They started ball, so we're really busy with that. It's like we can all breathe easier because we can finally make a plan for the day and DO IT! No more drama from Ah or what he's doing. I don't have to lock the doors or hide my keys. I don't have to hide my wallet or check accounts online. I don't have to worry about his bills or his taxes or any of that! I don't have to be on the phone for hours a day, I'm making little sections in the closet, shed, garage, basement. I'm putting his stuff in those areas so when he's ready to get it it's all there (per divorce agreement). The rest of the house is our space to do with what we want.
It's freeing because I no longer depend on him, only to be disappointed. If there is something that needs done it's on me and I've just been doing it, it's done, no disappointment! My to do list that I'd had for him throughout the last year is now my list and I'm doing it!
I won't say that I'm at peace or where I want to be. I'm exhausted from all of the work that I've done around the house, plus running the kids all over creation, plus my job. But I have to say it's all coming together and when it does, I'll be on top of the world.
Next up is to work on me. I'm going to start working out regularly (already baby stepping into that), gonna start getting manicures, pedicures. Need to get my hair cut and colored and I definately need to go on a much needed shopping spree.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. You guys were right, detachment is glorious! Why didn't you tell me that sooner? (I know all of SR is ready to come through the computer screen at me for that one! LOL LOL )
I FINALLY got my divorce paperwork signed!! He has 14 days to contest it.
Guys, since detaching and him being gone, I have to say that I am feeling GREAT! I am getting a TON done around the house. Just today I cleaned the garage, powerwashed the floor, the back patio, sidewalks, landing. I've been working my yard and it's looking really good. I've been doing a ton of things.
It's like all the energy that I've put into him can finally go towards much needed things done around the house, yard, shed etc. This makes me feel so much better!
The kids are doing really well. They started ball, so we're really busy with that. It's like we can all breathe easier because we can finally make a plan for the day and DO IT! No more drama from Ah or what he's doing. I don't have to lock the doors or hide my keys. I don't have to hide my wallet or check accounts online. I don't have to worry about his bills or his taxes or any of that! I don't have to be on the phone for hours a day, I'm making little sections in the closet, shed, garage, basement. I'm putting his stuff in those areas so when he's ready to get it it's all there (per divorce agreement). The rest of the house is our space to do with what we want.
It's freeing because I no longer depend on him, only to be disappointed. If there is something that needs done it's on me and I've just been doing it, it's done, no disappointment! My to do list that I'd had for him throughout the last year is now my list and I'm doing it!
I won't say that I'm at peace or where I want to be. I'm exhausted from all of the work that I've done around the house, plus running the kids all over creation, plus my job. But I have to say it's all coming together and when it does, I'll be on top of the world.
Next up is to work on me. I'm going to start working out regularly (already baby stepping into that), gonna start getting manicures, pedicures. Need to get my hair cut and colored and I definately need to go on a much needed shopping spree.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. You guys were right, detachment is glorious! Why didn't you tell me that sooner? (I know all of SR is ready to come through the computer screen at me for that one! LOL LOL
)
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