My AH will be going to jail soon...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You sure know a lot about what's going on with him. Perhaps too much considering the situation. Maybe you'll be better able to focus on your own emotional recovery from your divorce if you didn't have so much contact with your ex husband and his MIL. Maybe your conversations should be more "business" related than about your ex's personal situation. I mean you already know things are bad right. You already know he is choosing to use drugs and his mother is going to kill him with her enabling. Maybe it's time to cut the cord and focus on your future and how you can avoid these types of unhealthy people going forward.
I know that the less I know about my exes comings and goings and his health issues, the better. It's a boundary I set for myself. I used to tell myself "He's my ex now. That stuff is none of my business." And I'd tell it to my ex's family and friends if I needed to as well.
It sure helped with my serenity.
I know that the less I know about my exes comings and goings and his health issues, the better. It's a boundary I set for myself. I used to tell myself "He's my ex now. That stuff is none of my business." And I'd tell it to my ex's family and friends if I needed to as well.
It sure helped with my serenity.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I can see how hard it is to totally not know what is going on since it is happening right on your street. If you lived across town and didn't see the activity, it might be easier. However, you really, really NEED to turn your back on it. You've done more than anyone else would in this situation. There is nothing more you can do. You know this, but you are still in the loop. What can you do to get out of the loop? You don't need to know anything about what it going on down there. You don't need to know his leg is turning black or that they can't get him to go to the ER. You know too much. It's keeping you worried and upset no matter how much you say you have other things to do. What can you do to get out of that loop?
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Callie-
I'm relieved that you have things in order for your divorce.
Eventually he and his family will realize, you have changed. They will quit calling to tell you what he is doing. How he is feeling.
That will be a freedom- you can't imagine!! Being able to tell others- his family, friends, employers, product and service providers, heck counselors and even the ole police.
"sorry- I don't know, and I don't expect to know, so I can't help you today, nor do I expect to know, next week or next year.
There is safety in the truth.
Not knowing.. is a blessing!!!!
I'm relieved that you have things in order for your divorce.
Eventually he and his family will realize, you have changed. They will quit calling to tell you what he is doing. How he is feeling.
That will be a freedom- you can't imagine!! Being able to tell others- his family, friends, employers, product and service providers, heck counselors and even the ole police.
"sorry- I don't know, and I don't expect to know, so I can't help you today, nor do I expect to know, next week or next year.
There is safety in the truth.
Not knowing.. is a blessing!!!!
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
You sure know a lot about what's going on with him. Perhaps too much considering the situation.
Suki and HK - I knew that was coming!
Yes, I'm not involved with seeing him, running him etc. But I am still in the 'loop'. It's debilatating. I guess I'm in the loop because they call me and yes, I have called them. I've moved from dealing with him directly to dealing with his family instead. Hey, that's a little bit of progress isn't it?
I totally get what you guys are saying. I know I need to remove myself completely. I feel like once the divorce is final or he's in jail or whatever that things will come quicker.
You are right Suki - all of this info keeps me worried and upset and not in the moment. Thanks for your honesty guys. Off to organize the basement with the kids. Gonna be in the moment as best as I can for the rest of spring break. My basement is a workout room, laundry room, toy room, art studio and storage room. It's a mess! We've got our work cut out for us today!
Suki and HK - I knew that was coming!
Yes, I'm not involved with seeing him, running him etc. But I am still in the 'loop'. It's debilatating. I guess I'm in the loop because they call me and yes, I have called them. I've moved from dealing with him directly to dealing with his family instead. Hey, that's a little bit of progress isn't it? I totally get what you guys are saying. I know I need to remove myself completely. I feel like once the divorce is final or he's in jail or whatever that things will come quicker.
You are right Suki - all of this info keeps me worried and upset and not in the moment. Thanks for your honesty guys. Off to organize the basement with the kids. Gonna be in the moment as best as I can for the rest of spring break. My basement is a workout room, laundry room, toy room, art studio and storage room. It's a mess! We've got our work cut out for us today!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by StillLearning1 
Just saying- if you think his mom "should" let the police in. You sound worried about his health. These things get complicated. (been there) But today, you do have a choice.
I stick like glue to some basic rules about not enabling, and I'm surprised at how many challenge my thinking. I'm not to cause or prevent a crisis and I'm not to do for others what they can and should for themselves.
I go through a mental checklist and ask: Am I causing or preventing a crisis? Does a crisis already exist? In my best judgment (no denial allowed), are others able to do for themselves? In good conscience, what can and should I do for myself?
I was in Baltimore's Fells Point with a few friends several years ago. We had too good a time and made sure we took cabs. We left a bar and started walking to another, when we walked past a woman asleep at the wheel, engine running and doors locked. She was in front of fire hydrant, too.
Everybody gave up and started walking, but I couldn't walk away. Before I ever heard the phrase "play the tape through" that's what I did. I told my friends I was calling 911 and I did, while they all groaned. I still couldn't walk away, though, until they ended up sending the fleet. Firetruck, ambulance, patrol car and station wagon.
That's when we all walked away. I didn't know they were still there until I turned around. We decided to call it a night and not because we were bummed out. We felt good and didn't think the night would get any better.
I wonder about that lady every now and then, and this topic reminds me of her. She was already in a crisis and not able to do for herself. I saw a crisis, did what I was able and should.
I did that before addiction entered my universe. It's my rule of thumb. I did what I could with every bit of love in my heart.
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Join Date: May 2008
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I think his mom should have let them in. BUT he was coherant enough to run and hide and tell her not to answer the door. The thinking with his family is that they want to get him picked up to serve time for things he's already done. If they pick him up it will be to prevent him from serving time for things he's currently doing. The charges right now are probably around 3 months.
I'll be flat out honest. He's currently doing illegal things. He has a bench warrants out right now. As we speak he's in the 'city' bringing back drugs. He sells enough to support his own habit. The police know this. They've asked for my help to catch him. I've tried to remove myself from the situation as best as I can. This is a man who has not been in trouble with the law before (except for walmart). He's never spent a day behind bars (except in holding for 10 hrs). He has no criminal record. He took a dive off of the high dive and has never come up for air. He keeps going deeper and deeper and deeper. All of us have thrown ourselves down as road blocks trying to stop this, but he just leaps over all of us.
Do I remove myself completely? Help to get him arrested for what he's done, not what he's doing? Do I help the police? Frankly, I just want out and away from this mess. Far, far away. My involvement with his family is because I do care, it's because my divorce is not yet final, it's because I don't want to sever all ties with them. He did what he did, but I don't want to cut all contact with them because of him.
Chino - my AH is in crisis mode. But he's still able to make decisions. I guess that's why I've tried to leave him to himself and his family. I just cannot do this anymore without going bonkers myself.
I'll be flat out honest. He's currently doing illegal things. He has a bench warrants out right now. As we speak he's in the 'city' bringing back drugs. He sells enough to support his own habit. The police know this. They've asked for my help to catch him. I've tried to remove myself from the situation as best as I can. This is a man who has not been in trouble with the law before (except for walmart). He's never spent a day behind bars (except in holding for 10 hrs). He has no criminal record. He took a dive off of the high dive and has never come up for air. He keeps going deeper and deeper and deeper. All of us have thrown ourselves down as road blocks trying to stop this, but he just leaps over all of us.
Do I remove myself completely? Help to get him arrested for what he's done, not what he's doing? Do I help the police? Frankly, I just want out and away from this mess. Far, far away. My involvement with his family is because I do care, it's because my divorce is not yet final, it's because I don't want to sever all ties with them. He did what he did, but I don't want to cut all contact with them because of him.
Chino - my AH is in crisis mode. But he's still able to make decisions. I guess that's why I've tried to leave him to himself and his family. I just cannot do this anymore without going bonkers myself.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
His mother is protecting him in her mind but she is helping him towards a bad ending. Not getting him in a safe place and not getting him medical attention. I know he is the one doing this but since she's hiding a "criminal" now she's aiding and abetting right but to what end?
It is interesting that you begged these cops for months to get help dealing with him and now they want you to step in when you are minutes/days away from a final divorce? I think you are perfectly in your right to step away and keep away, you've done everything you can. I hope his mother wakes up soon . He is very self destructive.
It is interesting that you begged these cops for months to get help dealing with him and now they want you to step in when you are minutes/days away from a final divorce? I think you are perfectly in your right to step away and keep away, you've done everything you can. I hope his mother wakes up soon . He is very self destructive.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Okay now I am angry! Really angry
What a bunch of USERS!!
Callie you are NOT a detective a policeman. YOU do NOT know that world, you are NOT paid to bust ANYONE!! This is NOT your job. NO, they do not need your help!
The police know this. They've asked for my help to catch him.
Callie you are NOT a detective a policeman. YOU do NOT know that world, you are NOT paid to bust ANYONE!! This is NOT your job. NO, they do not need your help!
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Join Date: May 2008
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SL - I totally agree. I know where, when, how he gets it. I have asked for help for him. I don't want to know or relay this information. I just want to be a freaking soccer mom providing for her family. I just want to be able to step foot in my own community and hold my head high.
The best thing for him is to be locked up. But I am being asked by law enforcement and his family to help that happen. Law enforcement wants to nail his butt, his family wants me to line rehab up, talk with the courts etc.
I can't win either way I turn. I just want to be out, done and move on.
The best thing for him is to be locked up. But I am being asked by law enforcement and his family to help that happen. Law enforcement wants to nail his butt, his family wants me to line rehab up, talk with the courts etc.
I can't win either way I turn. I just want to be out, done and move on.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Callie, you said the kids are out of school this next week for spring break. Why don't you load them up in the car and take a trip somewhere for 4 or 5 days? Just get away so you won't know or care what is going on back home. I'm sure the kids would love to have your undivided attention for a while. Is there any really good reason why you can't do that?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Callie
I can't win either way I turn. I just want to be out, done and move on.
It's obvious you're a thoughtful woman, you're not impulsive. Just keeping do what is right for you and don't second guess yourself. Jiminy Cricket said let your conscience be your guide. Not your conscience towards others, your conscience towards yourself. Every time you do that, you win
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Join Date: May 2008
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You're right Chino - I need to be true to myself and my kids, which is what I've always tried to do. Suki and SL, the vacation idea is a great one, but I've gotta work. (I'm a consultant - my business - it's a busy time of the year so that's not an option.)
I'm going to say this, I know I'm wrong in this, but am also proud it's not me in the car. SIL and AH's aunt called. They've been trying to get AH to the ER. They went down to the house to get him today and their are cops everywhere. AH's aunt went to the gas station from MIL's house and was pulled over and questioned as to why she was @ his house. A 'known drug house'. They ended up backing her car into the garage, shutting the door and AH got in the trunk. They're headed to an ER an hour away with a rehab. He's going to get his leg treated, but they're trying to talk him into staying @ the rehab. Who knows what will happen, but I'm sooooo glad it's not me in this drama.
I AM in it I guess, but it's from a distance. Tonight I won't be sitting in an ER with him or driving him somewhere or trying to talk him into xyz. Tonight I am in my home with my kids. I suggested to AH's aunt that she hit every freaking pothole that she can, slam on the breaks when she can, turn as sharp as she can. We were laughing until we cried because stupid AH is in the trunk.
What a flipping messed up situation all the way around! The difference is this time, I'm not in the center of it. I'm glad for that. So glad.
I'm going to say this, I know I'm wrong in this, but am also proud it's not me in the car. SIL and AH's aunt called. They've been trying to get AH to the ER. They went down to the house to get him today and their are cops everywhere. AH's aunt went to the gas station from MIL's house and was pulled over and questioned as to why she was @ his house. A 'known drug house'. They ended up backing her car into the garage, shutting the door and AH got in the trunk. They're headed to an ER an hour away with a rehab. He's going to get his leg treated, but they're trying to talk him into staying @ the rehab. Who knows what will happen, but I'm sooooo glad it's not me in this drama.
I AM in it I guess, but it's from a distance. Tonight I won't be sitting in an ER with him or driving him somewhere or trying to talk him into xyz. Tonight I am in my home with my kids. I suggested to AH's aunt that she hit every freaking pothole that she can, slam on the breaks when she can, turn as sharp as she can. We were laughing until we cried because stupid AH is in the trunk.
What a flipping messed up situation all the way around! The difference is this time, I'm not in the center of it. I'm glad for that. So glad.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Wow, big slam in the face for me tonight. SIL and AH's aunt took AH to the ER. They've been gone for about 3 hours. I'm having a really hard time 'cause I don't know what's going on. For ONCE I'm not in the loop. I don't WANT to be in the loop, but I'm realizing my control issues. I've always been the 'go to' person. Tonight I'm not.
I'm glad I'm not, but this is a real eye opener for myself. I really didn't want to post this, but hope it will help someone else. Tonight I am not in control. Tonight I have no say so. I'm glad for it, but maybe I need to tap into ah's xanax supply for this anxiety! J/K
I'm glad I'm not, but this is a real eye opener for myself. I really didn't want to post this, but hope it will help someone else. Tonight I am not in control. Tonight I have no say so. I'm glad for it, but maybe I need to tap into ah's xanax supply for this anxiety! J/K
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
I really didn't want to post this, but hope it will help someone else. - You help more than you can know. I don't have any advice; I'm still new at this "letting-go" thing...but I send <<hugs>> to you...I know it's painful either way...whether you're in the middle of it...or whether you're in the dark. It's such a roller-coaster... I am sending you thoughts of peace during the chaos...!
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