My AH will be going to jail soon...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Just caught up after not visiting S/R for couple days.
Being sick from withdrawal is not the worst thing this man has to deal with in the days, and years ahead. I too think it's a deterrent to going back and starting up the same cycle, since he will never forget what those hard w/d's are like. But, it's sick. It's body aches. It's being crankier than he's ever been. It won't kill him.
Since you have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, can you gently tell them that you need a vacation from talking about, and them checking in with you, your stbx?
I would think they'd understand this. They probably don't know how heart-wrenching it is, and that it helps to keep you stuck.
It sounds as though you're doing as well as possible. I'm so glad.
Peace to you, Callie, and those adorable children.
Being sick from withdrawal is not the worst thing this man has to deal with in the days, and years ahead. I too think it's a deterrent to going back and starting up the same cycle, since he will never forget what those hard w/d's are like. But, it's sick. It's body aches. It's being crankier than he's ever been. It won't kill him.
Since you have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, can you gently tell them that you need a vacation from talking about, and them checking in with you, your stbx?
I would think they'd understand this. They probably don't know how heart-wrenching it is, and that it helps to keep you stuck.
It sounds as though you're doing as well as possible. I'm so glad.
Peace to you, Callie, and those adorable children.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Since you have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, can you gently tell them that you need a vacation from talking about, and them checking in with you, your stbx?
I think after today that's very possible and likely to happen. The courts called me today (the bailiff is who I'd been talking with). He said AH was arraigned via video today. A court date was set for June 9. Holy crap! That's a long time! They did that purposely I think because right now he's in a holding area. He will be held there the entire time, I guess it's different than general population. Most likely because he's not been in trouble before, they'll do time served. He still has to answer to another county though. He has a $5k cash bail, but I guess they've revoked the bond? He has to come up with the full $5k to get out. Never say never with him, but if he is able to get out, he'll run like a rocket out of the state.
The bailiff said AH looked like crap. Said he was very sick. I said well he walked every step of the way to get where he's at. He had so many people throw themselves in his path trying to be a road block and deter him from where he was going. I said he leaped over everyone to do what he wanted to do.
I was talking with my mom and I said I absolutely wouldn't take the kids to see him, but am unsure of letting them talk to him. I won't let them talk to him for a while yet, but I'm not sure how to handle that yet.
For me, the unknown (not sure about the arrainment was going to go, not sure if he had legal counsel, not sure if he could get out or how long he'd have to stay etc etc) is becoming known. He's where he is and will remain there. That makes me feel better and makes me feel like I can quietly step out of the picture.
I think after today that's very possible and likely to happen. The courts called me today (the bailiff is who I'd been talking with). He said AH was arraigned via video today. A court date was set for June 9. Holy crap! That's a long time! They did that purposely I think because right now he's in a holding area. He will be held there the entire time, I guess it's different than general population. Most likely because he's not been in trouble before, they'll do time served. He still has to answer to another county though. He has a $5k cash bail, but I guess they've revoked the bond? He has to come up with the full $5k to get out. Never say never with him, but if he is able to get out, he'll run like a rocket out of the state.
The bailiff said AH looked like crap. Said he was very sick. I said well he walked every step of the way to get where he's at. He had so many people throw themselves in his path trying to be a road block and deter him from where he was going. I said he leaped over everyone to do what he wanted to do.
I was talking with my mom and I said I absolutely wouldn't take the kids to see him, but am unsure of letting them talk to him. I won't let them talk to him for a while yet, but I'm not sure how to handle that yet.
For me, the unknown (not sure about the arrainment was going to go, not sure if he had legal counsel, not sure if he could get out or how long he'd have to stay etc etc) is becoming known. He's where he is and will remain there. That makes me feel better and makes me feel like I can quietly step out of the picture.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Remember when I shared with you that during my first conversation with RAH after 6 months that he told me that he had never been so "broken" in all his life?
That was a consequence Callie. The consequence of loosing his family - right along with his dignity, his ego, his job, his money, his home, his self-respect. All consequences.
It's up to AH to get healthy and then try and reincorporate himself into your children's lives. Don't hand that to him on a silver platter. I did that so many times (for the sake of the kids) but you know what, it didn't work and it didn' help. I don't think your husband is yet at this bottom and just because he reaches it, doesn't mean that a lifeline gets thrown to him once he's there for a minute. HE HAS TO DIG HIS WAY UP AND OUT OF THAT BOTTOM. He has to fight and he has alot to prove. Let him fight and make him prove that he is worthy of any contact with your children. Honey, you can't continue to offer the olive branch at every turn and allowing him access to his kids this early or even in a few weeks, I think, personally, is too soon.
Live in today and don't start stressing about telephone calls tomorrow.
That was a consequence Callie. The consequence of loosing his family - right along with his dignity, his ego, his job, his money, his home, his self-respect. All consequences.
It's up to AH to get healthy and then try and reincorporate himself into your children's lives. Don't hand that to him on a silver platter. I did that so many times (for the sake of the kids) but you know what, it didn't work and it didn' help. I don't think your husband is yet at this bottom and just because he reaches it, doesn't mean that a lifeline gets thrown to him once he's there for a minute. HE HAS TO DIG HIS WAY UP AND OUT OF THAT BOTTOM. He has to fight and he has alot to prove. Let him fight and make him prove that he is worthy of any contact with your children. Honey, you can't continue to offer the olive branch at every turn and allowing him access to his kids this early or even in a few weeks, I think, personally, is too soon.
Live in today and don't start stressing about telephone calls tomorrow.
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Join Date: May 2008
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MM and Anvil -- thank you for that perspective. I'll be the first to admit that my judgement with things is very cloudy right now. I never thought of looking @ it that way. I think too it's better for the kids to not have contact, any contact.
I look @ myself and I'm trying to make my way out. This 1/2 in 1/2 out is making me crazy. It would be the same way for the kids I guess. It gives them hope when their may not be hope. Thanks guys, I would have come to the right decision, I'm still reeling I guess.
MIL is assuming (per convo last night) that I'm going to go running up to every visitation (sunday). I won't be doing that. I want off of this crazy train.
I look @ myself and I'm trying to make my way out. This 1/2 in 1/2 out is making me crazy. It would be the same way for the kids I guess. It gives them hope when their may not be hope. Thanks guys, I would have come to the right decision, I'm still reeling I guess.
MIL is assuming (per convo last night) that I'm going to go running up to every visitation (sunday). I won't be doing that. I want off of this crazy train.
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I'm on a roll today and I want to add something else. I wasn't sure which of your threads to put it on but since I'm on this one......
Look Callie, we Super-Codies have operated in "survival mode" for so long that I think it's very hard for us to accept that there is no emergency going on, no problem to solve, no universe that needs to be saved that when things are still and quiet, we create chaos because that is where we have become sickingly comfortable. At least for me I've noticed that.
I am uncomfortable if I'm bored. I am uncomfortable with not having a laundry list of things I must accomplish in zero minutes. I'm uncomfortable with having time on my hands and especially with no crises or fires to put out. As much as we hate addiction, I think without being aware of it, we become somewhat dependent on it because it becomes our "normal" (even though we hate it).
SR and meetings and recovery related functions are my normal now. It seems that everything I do and everyone I know has to do with addiction and dysfunction on some level but the common denominator is that everybody is in the process of overcoming - each in a different phase or on a different step but it is still everything recovery.
I want to read a romance novel and I can't make myself pick one up. Everything I've read for "enjoyment" for the past 2 years has been on addiction, recovery, co-dependence, on whether or not I'm a "love addict" and how to not regret my marriage.
Trying to incorporate my old "normal" into my life feels irresponsible.
Look Callie, we Super-Codies have operated in "survival mode" for so long that I think it's very hard for us to accept that there is no emergency going on, no problem to solve, no universe that needs to be saved that when things are still and quiet, we create chaos because that is where we have become sickingly comfortable. At least for me I've noticed that.
I am uncomfortable if I'm bored. I am uncomfortable with not having a laundry list of things I must accomplish in zero minutes. I'm uncomfortable with having time on my hands and especially with no crises or fires to put out. As much as we hate addiction, I think without being aware of it, we become somewhat dependent on it because it becomes our "normal" (even though we hate it).
SR and meetings and recovery related functions are my normal now. It seems that everything I do and everyone I know has to do with addiction and dysfunction on some level but the common denominator is that everybody is in the process of overcoming - each in a different phase or on a different step but it is still everything recovery.
I want to read a romance novel and I can't make myself pick one up. Everything I've read for "enjoyment" for the past 2 years has been on addiction, recovery, co-dependence, on whether or not I'm a "love addict" and how to not regret my marriage.
Trying to incorporate my old "normal" into my life feels irresponsible.
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(((Callie))) - I thought I posted this earlier, but apparently it went into cyberspace.
First of all, as ((Anvil)) mentioned, collect calls from jail are EXPENSIVE. They are a privilege to whomever is locked up and not a right. My dad made the mistake of accepting them from my stepsister and it ran into the hundreds of dollars. If you don't want to be the "bad guy" and say "no" when he calls collect, you can go through the phone company and put a block on the phone..it will have a recording if he tries to call.
Secondly, I wouldn't let him talk to the kids, simply because there's the possiblity that someone WILL come up with the $5000 and, in your own words, he will be gone. I can pretty much guarantee that right now, he's still totally focused on dope and the lifestyle he's been living.
I was addicted to crack, which has NO physical withdrawal. One month into MY lockup, however, I was still focused on getting back to that life...my bf (who was also locked up), the dope boys, the streets, etc.
If he were given a chance, right now, to make one of two phone calls...you and the kids, or the dealer....I'm pretty sure which one he'd call and I think you know, too.
I understand what ((MM)) says, too. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush of being an addict and loving an addict. It was really, really hard for me to get used to a life where chaos didn't rule every minute.
You can get used to it, though. It's okay to not have every minute planned out, to say "I'm sick and I need some down time"...it really is okay.
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all, as ((Anvil)) mentioned, collect calls from jail are EXPENSIVE. They are a privilege to whomever is locked up and not a right. My dad made the mistake of accepting them from my stepsister and it ran into the hundreds of dollars. If you don't want to be the "bad guy" and say "no" when he calls collect, you can go through the phone company and put a block on the phone..it will have a recording if he tries to call.
Secondly, I wouldn't let him talk to the kids, simply because there's the possiblity that someone WILL come up with the $5000 and, in your own words, he will be gone. I can pretty much guarantee that right now, he's still totally focused on dope and the lifestyle he's been living.
I was addicted to crack, which has NO physical withdrawal. One month into MY lockup, however, I was still focused on getting back to that life...my bf (who was also locked up), the dope boys, the streets, etc.
If he were given a chance, right now, to make one of two phone calls...you and the kids, or the dealer....I'm pretty sure which one he'd call and I think you know, too.
I understand what ((MM)) says, too. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush of being an addict and loving an addict. It was really, really hard for me to get used to a life where chaos didn't rule every minute.
You can get used to it, though. It's okay to not have every minute planned out, to say "I'm sick and I need some down time"...it really is okay.
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
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Super-Codies have operated in "survival mode" for so long that I think it's very hard for us to accept that there is no emergency going on, no problem to solve, no universe that needs to be saved that when things are still and quiet, we create chaos because that is where we have become sickingly comfortable
Spot on for me tonight. The phone isn't ringing. It ISN"T ringing! Tonight I'm running the sweeper, laundry, mopping, kids are doing crafts. I'm relishing in this. For tonight I'm sweeping and thinking about all of the $hit that AH has done to me. I'm PO'd about everything.
I wouldn't let him talk to the kids, simply because there's the possiblity that someone WILL come up with the $5000 and, in your own words, he will be gone. I can pretty much guarantee that right now, he's still totally focused on dope and the lifestyle he's been living.
He'd be gone in a second if he could. Given the choice to call his drug dealer or his kids, he'd for sure choose the drugs right now. It's really strange because he does have access to the phone as you said above Amy. He could call, but he hasn't. I'm glad for that, but hopefully that means he's surrendered. Who knows though.
IRL I am still reeling from the drama from the last few months, especially for the last few days with him getting picked up. Hence my clouded judgement in dealing with the kids and him talking.
I think it was Chino that said above if I'm not uncomfortable in releasing him, then I'm doing something wrong. Today/tonight I'm uncomfortable. I hope I have many more nights of this. I hope I continue to see that he's terrorized my life. I hope I continue to see how truely bad he was to me.
Spot on for me tonight. The phone isn't ringing. It ISN"T ringing! Tonight I'm running the sweeper, laundry, mopping, kids are doing crafts. I'm relishing in this. For tonight I'm sweeping and thinking about all of the $hit that AH has done to me. I'm PO'd about everything.
I wouldn't let him talk to the kids, simply because there's the possiblity that someone WILL come up with the $5000 and, in your own words, he will be gone. I can pretty much guarantee that right now, he's still totally focused on dope and the lifestyle he's been living.
He'd be gone in a second if he could. Given the choice to call his drug dealer or his kids, he'd for sure choose the drugs right now. It's really strange because he does have access to the phone as you said above Amy. He could call, but he hasn't. I'm glad for that, but hopefully that means he's surrendered. Who knows though.
IRL I am still reeling from the drama from the last few months, especially for the last few days with him getting picked up. Hence my clouded judgement in dealing with the kids and him talking.
I think it was Chino that said above if I'm not uncomfortable in releasing him, then I'm doing something wrong. Today/tonight I'm uncomfortable. I hope I have many more nights of this. I hope I continue to see that he's terrorized my life. I hope I continue to see how truely bad he was to me.
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My AH is a total POS. So today, I get online to view MY bank account. Last year I'd went and removed myself (or so I thought) from any account linked to him. Well, the teller didn't remove me from his savings. Get online and see it's overdrawn with non sufficient funds tacked on to it. I call the bank stating that he's in jail, they said I am on the account as well and the NSF's would keep growing and growing. They said that because I'm on the account, they can remove funds from my account.
I'm PO'd and come to find out that the dumba$$ put an EMPTY envelope in the atm and withdrew the cash. To the tune of almost $200 PLUS 46 in NSF's. He probably thought he'd get the $ in to cover it, but instead he's in jail. I'd asked the bank about just freezing that account until he got out. Of course they won't, so now the only option that I have is to pay it and close it.
Also his lawyer called me and said something about a High test for another county awaiting for him. I was like what's a 'high test'? He said he tested 'high' on his UA. Imagine that. THAT could get him 6 months in prison. Probably won't get it, but it could.
I've spoken with inlaws and said I do not want to know day to day what's going on. I just want to move on and live my life. The attorney called ME because he doesn't have another contact number. Apparantly AH KNEW he was facing minimal time in BOTH counties for THREE charges. I think it was 6 days in one county with 3 suspended if he went to an ASTOP program and 4 days in another county. He KNEW he was facing time, so he just decided to skip out.
I'm becoming more and more disgusted, which is a GOOD thing. Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
I'm PO'd and come to find out that the dumba$$ put an EMPTY envelope in the atm and withdrew the cash. To the tune of almost $200 PLUS 46 in NSF's. He probably thought he'd get the $ in to cover it, but instead he's in jail. I'd asked the bank about just freezing that account until he got out. Of course they won't, so now the only option that I have is to pay it and close it.
Also his lawyer called me and said something about a High test for another county awaiting for him. I was like what's a 'high test'? He said he tested 'high' on his UA. Imagine that. THAT could get him 6 months in prison. Probably won't get it, but it could.
I've spoken with inlaws and said I do not want to know day to day what's going on. I just want to move on and live my life. The attorney called ME because he doesn't have another contact number. Apparantly AH KNEW he was facing minimal time in BOTH counties for THREE charges. I think it was 6 days in one county with 3 suspended if he went to an ASTOP program and 4 days in another county. He KNEW he was facing time, so he just decided to skip out.
I'm becoming more and more disgusted, which is a GOOD thing. Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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unfortunately, the unbelievable is the new believable.
yep, gotta pay the bank charges, and close yet another little chapter in that book.
sorry there always seems to be more and more bad news, but it truly WILL end.
yep, gotta pay the bank charges, and close yet another little chapter in that book.
sorry there always seems to be more and more bad news, but it truly WILL end.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Seems like it never ends, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. Do you have proof that you requested your name be taken off of that account. If you do, it's possible the charges can be waived. If not, well...$246 isn't really all that much to be done with it.
Hang in there, girl! You're doing great.
Hang in there, girl! You're doing great.
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They did remove all of the fees but one. At that point, I paid it and closed it. Now their may be a problem with the title of my vehicle that AH wrecked. It is fixed, but still stuff wrong with it. I went to get a trade in price yesterday and they came back with a carfax report saying that the vehicle was totaled. It was NOT totaled. They're showing it as a salvage title and want to offer me 1/4 of what it's worth. I have a call into my insurance agent to try to get it straightened out. In the meantime I'm @ a stand still with doing anything with that.
I get a call this am from AH. Showed up on caller id as just an 800 #. He'd gotten a calling card. He's like how are you doing, what's going on, what's wrong. I'm like are YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME!!!! What's RIGHT right now. I asked him about the empty envelope, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, doesn't remember and he's sorry. He asked if our goldendoodle had puppies, um yea - TWO WEEKS ago. I tried to get YOU to do their dew claws. Oh, he doesn't remember, he's sorry.
He's wondering if I can just get a rehab lined up, work with the courts to get him out. Sure sunshine, I'll get right on that. I WAS trying to do that prior to all of his court stuff. Once he skipped out on the date all bets were off as far as the courts are concerned.
I get a call this am from AH. Showed up on caller id as just an 800 #. He'd gotten a calling card. He's like how are you doing, what's going on, what's wrong. I'm like are YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME!!!! What's RIGHT right now. I asked him about the empty envelope, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, doesn't remember and he's sorry. He asked if our goldendoodle had puppies, um yea - TWO WEEKS ago. I tried to get YOU to do their dew claws. Oh, he doesn't remember, he's sorry.
He's wondering if I can just get a rehab lined up, work with the courts to get him out. Sure sunshine, I'll get right on that. I WAS trying to do that prior to all of his court stuff. Once he skipped out on the date all bets were off as far as the courts are concerned.
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RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Has the judge signed off on the divorce papers?
I hope you don't try to help him with rehab or anything else. Stay out of it. Wash your hands of the whole mess. Do you level best to not speak with him at all because all it does it get you upset. These are all simply suggestions, but I sincerely hope you will follow them.
I hope you don't try to help him with rehab or anything else. Stay out of it. Wash your hands of the whole mess. Do you level best to not speak with him at all because all it does it get you upset. These are all simply suggestions, but I sincerely hope you will follow them.
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