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Girlfriend of Crack/Heroin Addict -Gets robbed at knifepoint.

Old 02-08-2010, 08:59 PM
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Girlfriend of Crack/Heroin Addict -Gets robbed at knifepoint.

I am 27 yrs old, a nice girl, christian, have a sucessful career a good social life and involved in a lot of activies but by meeting me you'd never guess.......

My man is a crack addict and is in jail now for robbing me at knifepoint, and has stolen many things before this incident. I pressed charges knowing he could face 7 years in jail. He got 2 and is coming out in June. Hes been clean for 8 months. (theres a lot of drugs in jail) . Ive been visiting him every month. He is the NICEST goodhearted guy youd ever meet when not on drugs, when using he does terrible things. I've been with him over 12 years and was with him BEFORE he turned to a drug addict. He is deeply deeply ashamed of what he has done. For those who are going to say "just walk away" I need to reiterate I LOVE him very much. The past 2 years in jail have been the lonliest times in my life, friends do not stick by you -and let me tell you 2 years of lonliness hurts more than getting robbed at knife point.

If there is anyone else with a similar experience to me- let me know know you deal with this!!!

Thanks
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Old 02-08-2010, 09:11 PM
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Welcome to SR.... So sorry you're here. I had the most awesome person in the world @ one time too. We use to lay in bed for hours talking about anything. He was my best friend. The one that I told everything too. I loved him with every ounce of my being. Click on my name. You'll see where you could end up.

Edited to add...don't mean to scare you, but if he can do this that early on run. Run as fast and as hard as you can.
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Old 02-08-2010, 09:17 PM
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Oh gosh girl, what a story and a strong woman you are. You are to be commended
for pressing charges.

I hope he chooses the right path when he gets out of jail, it seems you have a pretty
smart head on your shoulder so I think and hope that you know if he uses when he gets
out then that it's time to make changes.

But recovery is very possible, I think you will find some pretty encouraging stories on here. I have over 4 years off of meth, and I know in my heart and soul I will never go back. I love my life and I didn't know then what I know now. I learned and am okay
with pain and things I didn't know then. So recovery is very possible, you will find others
on here with stories and recovery as strong as mine.
I hope and pray your man finds a recovery as strong as some of us have.

Above and beyond all, in my journey I have learned to take care of me above and beyond, I've had to kick some of my favorite people out of my life to keep myself
healthy and happy, some of them being addicts.
You'll learn more than you thought possible on this forum.
Glad you found us.
:ghug3
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:19 PM
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Hi Nicegirl, welcome!

We are similiar in this way- I thought I was a nice girl, too.
Though I didn't go through what you did, I certainly feared he would.

I was fortunate in that I got an Order for Protection. (no contact order).
(Thank you, God, the judge, and everyone who fought for those laws and help those in that situation)

But being removed from him. The situation. I found myself. (Actually, am still doing so.)

Input? It appears you want to work on the relationship and not detach. I would have very strong boundaries. Prison/jail is not the real world. I would allow him, the freedom to experience life on the outside. Before getting more involved. You can't be his everything, and he can't be yours.

If you've not had counseling from a domestic abuse counselor. I highly advise it. Your own. And if you choose to be in a relationship with him. Couple counseling.

Not all addicts who are using are violent. Just my opinion, best to protect yourself and make sure, that you have others that understand and can and will be there for you, if needed. (kind of the same principals as aa and alanon)
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Old 02-08-2010, 11:54 PM
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Originally Posted by nicegirl View Post
I am 27 yrs old, a nice girl, christian, have a sucessful career a good social life and involved in a lot of activies but by meeting me you'd never guess.......

My man is a crack addict and is in jail now for robbing me at knifepoint, and has stolen many things before this incident. I pressed charges knowing he could face 7 years in jail. He got 2 and is coming out in June. Hes been clean for 8 months. (theres a lot of drugs in jail) . Ive been visiting him every month. He is the NICEST goodhearted guy youd ever meet when not on drugs, when using he does terrible things. I've been with him over 12 years and was with him BEFORE he turned to a drug addict. He is deeply deeply ashamed of what he has done. For those who are going to say "just walk away" I need to reiterate I LOVE him very much. The past 2 years in jail have been the lonliest times in my life, friends do not stick by you -and let me tell you 2 years of lonliness hurts more than getting robbed at knife point.

If there is anyone else with a similar experience to me- let me know know you deal with this!!!

Thanks
First, welcome to SR! I am CrackQuack, crack cocaine addict, 1 year clean. I am so glad you've found SR!
Usually, I do not post in the F&F forum, nor read, but on those nights I cannot sleep..
Anyway, second, THANK YOU for not running at the first word "RUN". It's not easy, by any means, to be with a crack addict. One VERY unkind NYC officer (from another forum) not only told my boyfriend to run, but to tell me to go suck someone else off for my fix (and I had been clean for 10 months when he wrote that). He also was happy to tell my boyfriend that living with me means I will rob him and use again. That I will never stop and being with me is like swimming with sharks with no cage.
And it -could- be like that, but no need to say that it's gotta. I truly hope he has hit his bottom and will continue to stay clean once he is out! For the sake of both of you.
Make sure you keep coming back, maybe check into some nar anon meetings and introduce the idea of checking out some NA meetings to your boyfriend, if he's not already heard of them.
And maybe some couple's therapy.
But the most important thing I read, over and over, for non-addicts who are living with addicts, is to take care of yourself first. Love is powerful, but active addiction can and will trump love any day of the week.
Make sure both of you have a plan for yourselves before he gets out.
I, personally, never got arrested. I got extremely lucky. But I did OD twice. Again, extremely lucky. Something I may not have if I go back out and use again.
And I do notice, the more clean time I have, the more my love for my boyfriend and his love for me is a part of what keeps me going and working on my recovery.
Again, welcome to SR! This is such a wonderful, supportive, site. I hope you find what you need here and that you enjoy being here with the rest of us. :ghug3
And we do recover. We're never recovered. But we can get and stay clean. I am one crack addict who is making it. One day at a time! I will keep your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers that he makes it too. As well as you, too!!!!
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Old 02-09-2010, 06:09 AM
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Hi nicegirl. Welcome to this sight.

Have you gotten any counseling for yourself regarding the incident? I'm sure somewhere in the back of your mind you must be questioning the fact that someone robbed you at gunpoint while high on crack cocaine, and yet you have continued to have relationship with him and visit him in prison?

Around here - we talk a lot about the 3 Cs.

You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

Just something to think about. Protect yourself first. A "man" is not worth getting your head shot off for crack cocaine. And even though you really really love him, that love may be unhealthy and downright dangerous.

And LOVE cannot save someone from addiction.

Crack cocaine is very dangerous. It makes people delusional when they use it. And it is very difficult to quit. People go to prison and then they go back to using almost immediately when they get out and pick up right where they left off in the psychosis. What I'm saying is relapses happen all the time.

My ex has been in and out of prison for years because of his crack addiction. And everytime he is in prison he is the sweetest, most loving man alive. He 'finds' Jesus in prison. He "changes". He sends me long loving letters about what a fool he's been and how he's attending AA meetings and committed to his recovery.

But then he gets out and freedom is too much for him. He makes contact with his crack-friends and he's off to the races again.

He ditches his son and that it.

I strongly encourage you to seek out face to face support in the form of alanon or naranon meetings. There is also a great book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beattie which may answer many of your questions about addiction.

And please be careful. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And sure, people can change. But that means you too. Change starts with you.

In my state, if a crime is committed with a gun, there is an automatic mandatory 10 years added onto the sentence. After reading many of the stories on this website, I can tell you I am really greatful for that. People who are high on crack do not know right from wrong and as you know, they will do ANYTHING to get more crack. Including kill you.

Keep reading and posting and glad you found this website.
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Old 02-09-2010, 06:50 AM
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I'm one of those who gave my exAH many chances because I believed in him and thought he was going to change "this time". He went to prison for 2 years too. Did well for about the first 3 months after he got out, then picked back up and spiraled out of control within 3-4 months and we separated. When they pick back up, they can be just as bad as the last time they were using within a short time.

I share this, so you can have firm boundaries in place to protect YOU when he gets out. Like this boundary... I cannot live with active addiction... if you use, you have to leave. and maybe ... I cannot live in a house with violent behavior... if you do, you will have to leave. (I had to have the police come.. but I enforced my boundary.) And other boundaries that will protect your sanity and well being. Make a list.

Hopefully, he has found recovery and will continue to work his recovery when he gets out by going to meetings, not hanging out with old friends, etc. In time, you will be able to tell by his ACTIONS, not his WORDS.

Continue to read all the sticky posts here, learn all you can about addiction and what you're dealing with. Go to Ala-non or Nar-Anon meetings to get support for YOU.
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by CrackQuack View Post
Love is powerful, but active addiction can and will trump love any day of the week.
This is a great statement. And very, very true. Just never lose sight of it.

Can I ask how much you have invested in yourself, and your own healing thus far? Sometimes I seek out help and sometimes I isolate, keep everything in my own head, and "work things out" by myself. It is these times that I refer to as me "being knee-deep in the sh!t" It's cause even though I know what's going on, I am like the hog that sits in the mud because although it's dirty and smelly, it offer comfort in a way. It's sick.

My story has some similarities to yours. The people who know me casually, at work for instance, would probably drop their teeth if I told them I am in love with a poly-substance abuser, 30-year heroin addict, former drug dealer, felon. Sometimes my guy has the biggest heart I have seen in a man. This combined with the tough guy exterior, cool dude persona, just hooks me, plain and simple.

I actually drove and hour and a half on a work night the day he was last released from jail (was picked up and they violated him from a charge seven years old). It was the first night we spent together (motel room).

One of the things that (I think) keeps me balanced is the interaction I not only have here on S/R, but the other message board I have periodically visited, that is almost exclusively former heroin users. I hear about recovery from their side of the fence, I hear how much my support means to my addict, even our therapist told me that he believes having me in my A's life has something to do with his motivation to stay clean and sober. That's pretty powerful for someone like me (like us). The balance part comes in on this board, and from my alanon meetings, and my readings.
WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND BOUNDARIES, AND THEN SET THEM.
WE NEED TO EDUCATE OURSELVES.
WE NEED TO BE MENTALLY HEALTHY (if we're not there yet, we keep working on it)
WE NEED TO TAKE THE BLINDERS OFF AND BE SMART - ALWAYS PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FURTHER POTENTIAL HARM

I'm not saying - if you end up with him for the long haul - to never trust him again. But, to know the warning signs and heed them.

If you two recover together, there are few things more beautiful in this life, IMO. But you have to be separate individuals. His recovery. Your recovery. It's like walking along a path together. You sometimes wander off to smell a flower, he goes off to get a drink of water, you sometimes hold hands, sometimes not, and every once in awhile one of you carries the other. (But only for a short time, and you take turn on this!)

Well, you get the picture I'm trying to draw.

Now, let us know what your plans are
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:00 AM
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You seem already somewhat experienced at detaching from him in a sense and the agony of active addiction. Think about how peacefull your life has been without the drama. Do you have a plan and boundaries in place to prevent this from happening to you again?
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:31 AM
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((Nicegirl)) - welcome to SR!

You've already gotten some great advice, but I wanted to welcome you here. I, too, am a recovering crack addict - will have 3 years next month. My bf, however, couldn't/wouldn't stop using, so I had to leave him for MY sake, despite how much I loved him.

I also have family members who have, or are, dealing with addiction issues, so I know both sides of the fence. Please take care of you. I love ((Coffee's) analogy of the path because that's exactly what it is..you have a path to follow..so does he. I highly recommend you both find sources of support, other than each other. It really does help to have someone who "gets" you. I couldn't be my XABF's (ex addict boyfriend's)main supply of support, even if he'd wanted to get help, because I've got "baggage" I'm carrying around and I'm not objective enough.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-10-2010, 08:00 PM
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Your message made me smile when you said "he found "Jesus" Thats exactly who my man finds when he goes to jail. He writes nice letters too and amazing poetry but I dont write back anymore because last time he went to jail all the words obviously didnt mean much because he proceeded to rob me with a knife. And what is with CRACK! When he was on heroin- he used to BEG and PLEAD for money! When on alcohol he's just like any other drunk person. But when on crack he turns into a knife wielding maniac - ! I am scared to death of that drug! I def need to prepare myself when he comes out!
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Old 02-10-2010, 08:16 PM
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Welcome!!!

Yeah, I was involved with a crack addict/alcoholic for over 3 1/2 years, never got robbed, unless you count my Macbook disappearing, but I acquired an std, gave away a lot of time, money and self esteem. I could make that statement, I love her very much, but at the end of the day, she's still a crack addict/alcoholic, wouldn't matter how much I loved her, how much I did for her, she'd still be a crack addict/alcoholic. And she would still be doing the things that crack addicts/alcoholics do.

She can be an incredibly warm, loving, and caring individual at times, but that thing-the addiction-trumps all and you end with a monster in human form. A monster that will consume everything in it's path. A monster that you can't fight.

The only advice I would give anyone involved with someone in active addiction, walk away, and don't look back. Sucks, but just what it is.
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:26 AM
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Nicegirl,

Welcome to SR. I just wanna let you know we hear you. Most of all God hears your cries for help. Loving an addict is a very painful road as you've found out. I'm married to an addict, but living separate for past 3 years. We married in the church, he was a believer so I thought, but his belief system very skewed as I found out. He could preach and talk anybody into believing him. I remember the days I didn't dare go to sleep, afraid of what he might do. I no longer could live in the fear. Fear began to cloud my faith and love and everything that was real to me. I was afraid to be with out him, and I was afraid to be with him. When I finally realized this man doesn't love me even though he says it over and over..... he doesn't. A person that loved me would not treat me this way. He once was a beautiful loving man, now he's like someone I don't even know, a stranger, a dangerous abusive one on drugs.

He is deeply deeply ashamed of what he has done. For those who are going to say "just walk away" I need to reiterate I LOVE him very much. The past 2 years in jail have been the lonliest times in my life, friends do not stick by you -and let me tell you 2 years of lonliness hurts more than getting robbed at knife point.

I'm surprised you still visit your ex in jail after all he's done to you, and I'm very concerned for you when he gets out. I also understand the co-dependancy that many of us end up here with, thinking we can fix this man, wait it out he will get better kind of faith, the I must forgive 70 x7, stand by your man. We find ourselves listening to the promises that are broken over and over. And until we break the cycle it doesn't get any better. It has to start with you. I finally got to the point of I would rather live lonely than beat down, abused and cheated on. Although I prayed all the time for him, I got to the point I didn't care what God, the devil or anyone else did with him. God just keep me and the children safe. I am of more worth than to be treated like this. And nicegirl so are you.
I understand your loneliness, I really do. I'm glad you found us. Alanon and Celebrate Recovery meetings have helped me a lot too, where people understand, people loved me the minute I walked in the door, and held me when I cried. Nothing compares to this kind of love. I can work through the steps, the pain, the grief, the embarrassment, and the regrets without judgement. Although I attend church too, most church people don't understand this stuff so I hope you will consider finding meetings in your area.

I thought of this song when thinking about you.....
YouTube - Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her



We hear you!! God loves you and wants you to keep safe. :huggs:
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:46 AM
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And what is with CRACK! When he was on heroin- he used to BEG and PLEAD for money! When on alcohol he's just like any other drunk person. But when on crack he turns into a knife wielding maniac - ! I am scared to death of that drug!
crack turns people into psychotic freaks when they smoke it. i'm not sure why it effects the brain this way but it does. I used to smoke crack. some people react worse than others. some people can hide the psychosis better than others... but it is always there. And it can't be controlled. Smoking crack is downright scarey. And it can be down right scarey when you are high on it.

Gawd. just typing about it makes me want to puke.

Seriously protect yourself.

And keep reading and posting. You really sound like a nice girl. And you sound like a smart girl. I'd hate for you to end up a dead girl. I really really would.
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