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dealing with family

Old 07-06-2009, 12:18 PM
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dealing with family

do you ever just get sick and tired of explaining yourself. Or tired of feeling like you have to make excuses to your family about your decision to not leave the addict in your life?

I understand that my family love me and they are trying to look out for me, but i get sick of hearing how much they disapprove of every decision I make.
For petes sake I am a grown woman and make my own decisions yet everytime any of them get a chance they feel this need to tell me how much my choices "make them sick' or how they "expected" so much more from me.........

URGGGG, I pay my bills, I take care of my kids I live a decent life, however i love an addict, an addict that is STILL working on trying to get better...........he hasnt given up
yet my family expects that I should.

Thanks for letting me vent
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Old 07-06-2009, 12:29 PM
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How does this look?

do you ever just get sick and tired of explaining yourself. Or tired of feeling like you have to make excuses to your family about your decision to not leave the drug in your life?

I understand that my family love me and they are trying to look out for me, but i get sick of hearing how much they disapprove of every decision I make.
For petes sake I am a grown woman and make my own decisions yet everytime any of them get a chance they feel this need to tell me how much my choices "make them sick' or how they "expected" so much more from me.........

URGGGG, I pay my bills, I take care of my kids I live a decent life, however i love a drug, an addiction that is STILL working on trying to get better...........my drug hasnt given up
yet my family expects that I should.

Thanks for letting me vent
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Old 07-06-2009, 12:39 PM
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If you feel totally okay about something that YOU are doing - and someone has a problem with it - then it is their problem! Ya know?

On the other hand...... when enough people tell you that you are a horse - it's time to buy a saddle!

I did a great job of hiding much of my relationship or just giving little bits here and there to those that are closest to me. But then...... my life started to become unmanageable and it was getting harder and harder to hide/cover up.

I wouldn't have been surprised if at one point that my family/friends would have done an intervention on ME!!!! I am glad they didn't - I'm glad I was given as much room to figure this out on my own.

If your family is pressuring you - tell them that you know all that they are saying - but you have to come to this on your own. WITH or WITHOUT their help. Just say "thank you".
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:09 PM
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Try to remember that they have OUR best interests @ heart even when we may not ourselves because we have our addicts best interest @ heart. I am a private person all around IRL - but I know when I start getting 'concerned' family and friends stepping in that it's time for me to step back and look @ what THEY see. They see someone who is tired, worn, defeated, harsh, sad. But I keep trudging along doing what I should be doing. I just posted today that when I look in the mirror, I see someone is tired, mad, resentful, has let herself go somewhat. Compare this to me a few years ago and I looked softer, kinder, more @ peace. Often times when things get so bad on the inside it unknowingly seeps into outward actions or appearances. I noticed a HUGE different in the way I looked just a few weekends ago when I pulled out old pictures. I still weigh the same, hair is still the same color, physically my looks haven't changed that much. But they see it in my face, my actions, my lack of energy etc.

I do know what you're saying though. Even though I'm grown though, my family still plays that role and looks after their daughter, granddaughter, neice, friend etc. They do it because they care. HTH!
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:17 PM
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My bad..... He is working on getting better..... so he is not in 'active addiction'......

Sorry.

What I would do with my family - I would say.....

"Thank you - I appreciate your concern; however, this is a personal situation and I'm building up my tool box and I'm getting support." " If I need help - I am grateful to know that I can come to you for advice and support. I have learned that the best advice taken is when someone is firstly asking."

Yeah that would ruffle some feathers- but it certainly got the point across.
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:18 PM
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I get this from my friends more than from my family but I can still totally relate.

Last week I went to dinner with a friend whom I haven't seen since before AH moved back in - she actually shook her head at me - not in a mean way but still - it was bad enough to make me feel bad....yet I didn't feel bad as much as just, well, I have accepted the fact that for whatever reasons, I am not yet ready to end my marriage and I told her that.

With my family, they keep quiet to me but tend to not treat him as well - lately my mom has been rude to my AH so much so that I may talk to her about it soon if she doesn't mellow out. With both friends and family, I try to remember they mean well - they are concerned about me and want the best for me - yet I know that all their talk in the world isn't going to make me ready to do something I'm not ready/willing to do.

No one can walk my path for me - it is my life - and like Abundance said - this is all kind of something that we have to figure out on our own.

liesagain, what do you say to them when they say that stuff to you?
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:20 PM
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My family doesnt really "approve" of my boyfriend. They dont approve without even knowing about the addiction! I hide that he is an addict, and i sometimes lie to avoid hearing them preach.

Generally, when family and close friends express concerns about a boyfriend, or friend, it is a red flag. i KNOW my family is right. yet i don't listen, and don't want to hear it. It is not their place to tell me who to spend my time with, just like it's not my place to tell my boyfriend to not do drugs. It's a personal "battle" that one who choses to experience, deserves to. Kinda like my relationship. If in a few months or a year i decide it was a mistake, it was my mistake that i deserved to make. And not my families problem.

I posted today that i haven't "HAD IT" yet, and im going to stay with him until i have. Someone responded with, "you have to be ready, just like they to". It makes total sense.

When/If i have finally "HAD IT", ill run to the family and friends that im ignoring now, and i will thank them, because i know they have my best interest in mind, even though right now, i don't really care what they have to say!
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:49 PM
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I guess the main issue is that nothing is private in my family in general. My mother is the type of mother that calls each of us numerous times a day asks many questions and has some input on everything, but she is also loving and self sacrificing, would and does do anything in the world for us. My family like most has its dysfunction I guess right now i'm just tired.


I understand that they dont approve of me not leaving him, I understand that he's had one to many relapses for them and at this point the want assurance that he will NEVER use again and if thats Not the case then I should divorce him period and anything less than that is just "pathetic" and a "waste of my life"

What they dont understand is hes an addict.........and always will be. Hes relapsed many many times and hes been in treatment many times but the thing is that's HIS battle not mine.
My battle is trying to continue to live my life and not let his addiction overcome me.

The main issue my family has right now is that I havent walked away.
In their opinion I shouldn't write or visit my husband (who's in a treatment center for 10 months) I shouldnt particiapte in family classes with him I should just walk away because "hes never going to stop using"


Someone asked me what do i say to my family............well I try to stay calm and react in a reasonable way but lately these conversations have turned to arguing matches.

Today i told my mother..............if you ask about me, or AH because your concerned or interested fine we can talk about it, but if your asking so you can TELL me yet again how you disapprove on every level or so you can make some nasty remark then save it..............I know how you feel you've told me numerous times and frankly your nasty remarks do nothing but make me not want to talk to you at all.

I wanted to add ...........I am working on ME. I have a life outside of my husband i attend school, I work I have friends and a life But I also write him, visit him and hope for a better future for us together. I don't send him money and I don't hide his addiction.

thanks for your help and replies, I dont really know what support I wanted more or less I guess I just wanted to complain
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Old 07-06-2009, 02:27 PM
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Here's my side of things: When my husband relapsed, I kicked him out and he landed in prison. I got all kinds of advice and sympathy and offers for help. And I accepted all offers for help because I was a mess.

The people who were the most vocal about what I should do helped me the least. I will always remember one cousin telling me to get a divorce ASAP, change my name back to my maiden name, sever contact with my husband's family. She asked me how she could help me, and I told her that weekends were hell for me. She promised to include me in her weekend plans. At that happened.....never.

So my husband is back home, 3 years clean, 2 of them while incarcerated. I don't count those; he does. And the same people who gave me advice tried to do it again. And the people who really supported me when I needed help are cautiously supporting my decision to give my marriage one more try.

Bottom line....It's my decision. I hope my eyes are open, I have my money as safe as possible, I have very firm boundaries. Of course, I cannot control him. But it's my decision.

It's your decision.
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Old 07-06-2009, 02:46 PM
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Another way to look at it...

If someone did to my dd or ds (both only 8 right now), they would have a WORSE enemy in me than they would dd or ds. As parents, family - I feel that I will fiercely fight for/protect them. Ironically, being IN the situation, I've tolerated and allowed myself to give it chance after chance after chance. Which DOES involve and effect my kids. We all know that as parents we want the BEST for our kids. Most of the time that doesn't involve addiction. What most of the world doesn't realize is how deep and messy addiction is. I've always said you never know what you will do in a situation until you are IN a situation. It's easy to shout out advice when the ball is not in your court. I was a t-ball coach for 2 years. I cannot throw a ball for the life of me, but I know the steps to take to teach someone to throw it.

I fully understand how you feel though. For me, when my family pushes too much, I go deeper into my codie ways and hide more about what's really going on with H's addiction. It's a double edged sword really.
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Old 07-06-2009, 02:58 PM
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I agree Callie, as the mother of a 20 year old daughter I know beyond doubt that I would want to kill any man that caused my daughter heartache.......I'm her mom she is my first concern.
As a matter of fact her stepfather ( my addict husband) would also want to kill any man who did 1/2 of the things hes done in our relationship/marriage

so yeah I do understand my families position I just dont care for the delivery
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Old 07-06-2009, 03:08 PM
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((lies))

No easy answers - huh - everyone usually wants family to be close - but still respect my decisions for my own life - it's a fine line and very difficult for many families to honor. Especially when families are affected by this disease.

I quess like everything else we do - it just takes practice, setting boundaries - learning growing and asking them to grow with us.

Praying for you, your AH and your family!!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 07-06-2009, 08:23 PM
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so yeah I do understand my families position I just dont care for the delivery
I can definitely understand your frustration. Being from a family who doesn't know the art of staying in touch often (but we do pick up right where we left off, lol) I can't imagine having these kinds of conversations with my family on a daily or more often basis...it must be quite challenging.

During active addiction times, when I found myself going crazy because I was spending so much time stressing out about what others told me to do and explaining myself to them, I found that the best way for me to break the cycle was to stop trying to explain myself. Just like I wasn't going to change as a result of them repeating what poor choices I was making over and over; they weren't going to change when I explained myself over and over...They just did not hear it. So when they started, I changed the subject, or let them go on (without listening to it) and when there was a pause, said uhh-huh...then change the subject, or I would say...gotta go. It helped...I stopped getting sucked into their need to control me. They had that control problem just as bad as I did.

Wishing you a peaceful couple of days...would it help not to pick up the phone?
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Old 07-06-2009, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
I guess the main issue is that nothing is private in my family in general. My mother is the type of mother that calls each of us numerous times a day asks many questions and has some input on everything, but she is also loving and self sacrificing, would and does do anything in the world for us
I've learned that just because "I" realize that the focus needs to be more on me and less on others, others haven't learned the same lessons. What you describe in your Mom fits the description of a perfect, loving, caring..."codie"

I've also learned that sometimes saying less is saying more if you know what I mean Try keeping the focus on you, your kids, your dreams. If the topic shifts, bring it back to center or kindly excuse yourself. After a while they may "get it".

Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
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