peaceteach

Jason,

Can you call your mom? You should not be alone in this situation trying to handle it.

JustAYak

I could, I don't want to, but I could.

MyJoey

Jason,
Is he in the hospital? I hope he is, that way you can get some sleep tonight knowing he is in good hands. I have to step out a bit, but I will check back on you.

JustAYak

Yes, he is in the hospital. Have not seen him, don't really plan on it at the moment.

This is so screwed up. We've totally flip-flopped roles. I don't want to play this part. He should be the one thinking ahead about me, not the other way around. And there's really no help for this either. There's nothing I can say or do to make myself feel any more comforted, nor can he. He can't just go back and erase all this shxt. He can't say he's "sorry" and think that he's getting through to me. He keeps getting all these do-overs and he's not smart enough to take one? Not one? How can he be living right now?? I think he'd rather die than even try to give up heroin. He's lost everything but me and I didn't choose to still be here. If I could have left, I would have. I didn't get to though. I was stuck with him, he's like a ball and chain around my ankle. He's my dad and I can't change that. No amount of words or pleading with him would ever make him give it up. He's left me to stick it out and try to make sense of my life when I have to live under his. I don't know if he realizes how much shxt he's put me through and how messed up this really is but he better figure it out soon.

I'm so tired of concealing all my thoughts. He's lied straight to my face. He's killed every part of my soul that wants to hope for him. I'm sick of being patient. I cannot explain the joy I will express when I finally get to leave this twisted game. It's tug of war, he always wins and pulls me through the mud with his addiction. When do I get to win?

He defies death everytime he uses, but it threatens him all the same.

Serenity Bound

Jason, Please try to remember that this is what addicts do. It is not personal against you. Even though it feels that way. I am so sorry you are going thru this alone. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him, you can however take care of yourself, remember the 3 c's ...you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The addiction has got him by the b****, don't let him take you down, too.

If there is anyone at all that you can call, please do it. I know that you are a quiet guy & I'm sure you are holding all of this s*** in, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of, if there is someone you can reach out to that is nearby, please do so. If you chose not to go see him, don't. You have to take care of "you" not him. That's is when you win.......when you decide that your life is worth living.

Addiction has a way of sucking the life out of everyone in its path, the addict and all of those who love them. Those of us that love an addict have to decide when enough is enough & start taking care of ourselves.....letting go & letting God take care of our loved ones.
:praying
Chris

MyJoey

Wow! Jason I am sorry don't even cut it. You are winning......your clean and that is what counts. You can't control your father, but you can control you. You need to detach yourself from what your father is doing. You really NEED to find them meetings Jason, they will help you to do that...........so you can keep it together. I really think it would be a good idea if you called your mother and let her know what is going on. I don't know the terms you and your mother left on, but Jason mothers love their babies.....granted your using may have been to much for her to handle, but I can't imagine her turning you away when your trying so hard. Do you drive Jason? You need to find places you can start hanging out when your father is home, so you don't need to be around him so much. Do you have any other family around there, Uncles or Aunts? It may be time to tell them what's going on. How long have you been living with your father?

JustAYak

I know it's not personal. It's not that he's doing anything specifically to me but anything he does affects me. There is no buffer zone between me and him because it is simply...just me and him.

Right now, I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I believe that's the best course to go, otherwise I'm just gonna end up repressing it all. Saying I have to take care of myself right now is what does that. If I worry/get angry/feel like crap about him, at least I'm trying to rid myself of that feeling and not penting it in by going "I have to take care of myself right now and not worry about him."

Edit: MyJoey, I'll get to your questions soon. I gotta go for now though.

outtolunch

Jason,

I have read your blogs and there's a book, there. That your dad's addiction and your mother's reaction made your, at the time, child's mind feel unworthy of love, is just heartbreaking. There is no way a child can comprehend they did not cause it, can't control it or cure it. No doubt your mom felt she could control/cure it by pretending life with an active addict was normal.

You have had to deal with more crap than anyone your age, any age, should have to do. And you have and will survive this. You are on the cusp of knowing that it's all about choices, not where you came from, that determines where you will go, in life.

There's a story that needs to be told within your soul and you have the skill to tell it. Being useful is the true source of happiness.

JustAYak

I can.

Yes, I drive, however there is only one car between me and my dad, so getting to meetings is tough to do if he's out doing whatever the hell he's doing. I've been trying to think of places I could go when he's around, have not really thought of many yet though. I try to just take my dog out on a walk if my dad is home and high, but sometimes I don't because I get caught up in it, like the other night when he was just... I don't know, looking like he was about to die.

I've been living with my dad without my mom or my sister for 2 years now. My mom's side of the family is in Michigan, and my dad's side is mostly all in Southern Illinois which is about 7 hours from where I live. My whole family knows how my dad is, they know he's an addict, I don't know if they know that he's ever been clean or not. I think my grandparents are not supportive of my dad at all, I really do think they've disowned him. I have no idea where my aunts and uncles stand on the issue, and I don't have any of their numbers to ask. Talk about trapped...

greeteachday

I think it's your best course too. Getting it all out is a way of taking care of yourself...I think you hear that phrase here a lot because so many of us are trying to "fix" our addicted partner or family member. So we spend so much time stuck in that madness that we really do start to die a little physically and emotionally.
There's not much to say...I'm really, really sorry you are going through this..your description of how it feels is so vividly clear. All I know is that it has been my experience that when things start spiraling totally out of control, change is coming. I can never predict what that change is, but in retrospect it always has worked out and I've made my way through. Sometimes I feel my greatest responsibility is just to breathe and get through the moment.
Hang tight Jason...You've thought about options and at this point you don't want to make a call. Just remember, that option is there if you change your mind. You don't have to do it alone. HUgs

winnie12

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this Jason. I know the relationship you have with your dad is different in a lot of ways then mine because he does have a legal and moral obligation to you but in some ways the love side of it is the same. I love my son no matter what he does and I have to be with him even if his behavior makes it seem impossible to do so. I'm learning to seperate my love and responsibility to him from my willingness to accept anything from him for the sake of love. It is a hard line to figure out for me and doubly hard for you. You have to think of some boundaries - even if they are as simple as you'll call an ambulance when you see him in that state.

The police obviously now know that he has a minor living in his home and is behaving in a way that puts you in danger. The hard part of telling someone has been done by your dad so it might be time for you to start checking into help for yourself. I have to admit that i took advantage of it when my son got himself into trouble to find the help that he and I needed and maybe you can too. Even if you're not ready to instigate this dont lie for him when the police or some other agency talks to you. Changes are scary but they are necessary now because you cant keep living like this. You may be able to emancipate yourself and there may be help available to you since you're still in school. I myself stopped looking at the police and social services as enemies who would take my son away and started looking at them as people who have the ability to help my situation. Sometimes it meant the hardest things like him being taken away for a while. I finally accepted that if my son was better off and his sister and I were better off with him being gone then I would accept that. Even if they find somewhere safe for you to live for a short time period you have to take that chance for yourself. Sometimes with social services they even provide rides to meetings and access to financial aid.

You're dads in the hospital now. Find out where the car is - get a ride to it and then start doing some of the things you need to do today for yourself. Dont wait because he most likely wont be there long.

Do you have food and are the utlities all on right now? Also, is there any places close to home that you could get a job at? Having your own money is going to be neccessary for you to make the break you'll need soon. It can give you the chance to get your own car and start getting your own life going. I'm sorry that you're having to grow up so fast. You can get through this and it wont last forever.

JustAYak

I'm just wondering what the trouble of me trying to get emancipated is going to really give me. It'll give me 7 months away from my dad and then really, I'm going to be away from him anyway while I'm in college. Emancipation means that I will have to support myself completely, I'd have to pay for everything for myself. I cannot obtain a job that can cover all those costs. Believe me, I've looked up all this stuff, I'm not eligible for financial aid unless I live someone who has agreed to be my "new" legal guardian or unless I'm 18. The court cannot force me into emancipation. They can either send me to live with a relative or to a foster home for 7 months. I guess I'm just saying, I'd rather stick it out for another 7 months than go through all the hell of moving around. It's been 2 years now, I can do it for another 7 months. He's not a danger to me, he's never threatened me, never abused me, he's only a danger to his own health. I'm not stupid enough to get in a car with him if he's high or any like situation. I try to seperate myself from him when he's high. The only damage he's doing to me is mental and I've had that all my life, so it's not making any difference now.

I have a lot of money in the bank because I've worked 3 summers (yes I got a workers permit when I was younger) and half the year this year and a lot of it's been saved. The cop told me that the car is at the impound lot they have and it's gonna cost about $200 to get it out. I don't think they'll give it to me, do you? I don't know. I can walk there so getting a ride isn't an issue, it's just if they give me the car... apparently they pulled him over when they arrested him and took the car, and then on the ride to the police station he ODed, at least that's what the cop told me.

winnie12

Emancipation I only suggested so that you can have access to financial aid if you need it and so that if something happens with your dad you wont end up in foster care (i'm reading through the lines of your words and guessing you dont want that). Once your considered an adult then you might not have to wait till 18 for financial aid - but i guess that would depend on your state laws. I'm very glad to hear you have some money saved up - that's one of the best things you can do for yourself right now. make sure your dad doesnt have access to it - desperate addicts do terrible things with other peoples money.

you could always call the impound and see if you can get the car. Sounds like after your dad recovers he is going to have some charges to face. This is a good thing - sometimes it takes that to get them to wake up - at a minimum maybe he'll stay straight for a little while.

Jason - i'm keeping you in my prayers you're going to be a strong man when you get through this tough time.

JustAYak

I'd rather live with my mom than go to a foster home. But I'd rather just stay for 7 more months than go live with my mom. Everything's gonna be complicated from here on out, huh?...

I just called the impound lot too. They said no. Fxck.

MyJoey

Jason,

I can't get over how mature you are, I guess you have had to be. I think you should wait and see what happens when your father gets out, this maybe a wake up call (I will be praying it is). Jason do you think he knows you did drugs? If so when he gets out you could invite him to go to a meeting with you, tell him you need to go and you would like his support. More then likely he will lose his license for a period of time, so he may be willing. It could also be court ordered that he goes to meeting.

winnie12

I can understand trying to stick it out with being so close. just set your boundaries and be sure to keep yourself safe.

That sucks on the car. So take a few bucks, call a cab and get yourself to a meeting. Meet some people and you'll get rides. (oops i used my mom voice lol)

JustAYak

MyJoey, for the longest time I didn't think he knew, now I'm not so sure. I've never told him, and I've always thought I was careful about where/when I did my drugs, but you know, I really don't have an answer to that question anymore. It's possible he knows, not sure though.

Cab. Haha, funny I never thought of that.

wooforever

So you are going to stick it out with your father for 7 months. I give you a lot of credit, you sound older then what you are. I am wondering why the hell has no family member stepped in to help you or get you the hell out of there?

I am also a mom and I just think it is so unbelievable that any mother or family member has not been there for you.

You take care of yourself.

MyJoey

Jason, when he gets out it maybe a good time to tell him you need some help also, that could be a real wakeup call for him. I am on my way out the door but I will check back in on you. If you have any school vacation time coming up and want to get away for a while your welcome to come stay in PA......you could go from one addict to another (My son). Thats really not funny, but OOO well I tried.

JustAYak

That is such a long story, but I've told it on here so many times now that I can make it brief.

My mom and sister left me and my dad after my dad had numerous relapses, been arrested, spent tons of money, went to rehab twice, ODed twice, etc etc. She had given up hope on him and then my sister found some speed in my backpack and my mom saw how it affected me and had enough. So she took my sister and left. That was 2 years ago.

My grandparents on my dad's side don't support him at all. I don't know if they know about my drug use, but I imagine that if they don't support my dad, they don't support me. I have no idea where my uncles and aunts stand on the issue and I do not have any way to contact them.

Since my mom left, my mom's side of the family went with her, so they're not a choice either. There have to be more families than just mine that have had the same thing happen. There has to be.

MyJoey, I'll give it some thought.