JustAYak

I am having real issues with my dad tonight. I don't want to be here right now with him. I really want to get out of the apartment and just leave for a while but I can't because I really don't have anywhere to go.

He's layin over on the couch right now...coming down off a high I think. He's on the nod right now, I can tell. He's awake, but I don't think he's really paying attention to anything. He's breathing real slowly, like usual when he's coming off heroin. I don't want to sit here and watch him all night and make sure he's still alive, but if I don't, I fear the worst. He's overdosed twice before when I was a bit younger and that's scary as hell. Their breathing just gets slower and shallower ...until it stops. I'm worried about him, but I can't get sucked into this, not now.

How can I focus on myself and stay clean with my dad over there looking like he's about to just give up?

JustAYak

Please pass out, please pass out, please pass out...
I don't like this :\

I can't relax.

CatsPajamas

Jason,

Unfortunately, he's going to do what he's going to do. It's not your responsibility, even though it probably feels like it is.

I went thru a period of time when I woke up about 3 or 4 every morning. I decided it was the only quiet time in my day when I could talk to my Higher Power... or that my HP could talk to me. I found some good recovery books - for me it was Courage To Change and How Al Anon works. I would go out to a chair, sit quietly, open the book to a random page and read.... and then just sit and think about what I read. It was a really peaceful and wonderful time for me. I got to where I looked forward to that time when I was able to look at situations and solutions instead of worrying all the time. In a few months, I was sleeping thru the night again.

Maybe you can find some things to read, to occupy your mind, so you don't sit and just watch your dad. It's been my experience that when one person in a family relationship finds some recovery and makes some small changes, the ripple effect can be really big in the rest of the family.

Hugs
Cats

MyJoey

Jason,
How are things today any better? Are you doing ok?

winnie12

Jason - I know that this is scary for you. Dont hesitate to call 911 and get him medical attention. This is something i had to learn with my son - i didnt want to get him in trouble or risk cause myself trouble by informing anyone but at some point a problem becomes more then we're qualified to handle. I know that you dont want to get Dad in trouble and its got to be even harder when your only 17 but you need help - this is more than you should have to bear at your age. Have you been able to get to any meetings yet. Please try - there is help out there for you and you cannot hold back out of fear of what will happen to your dad. Right now your dad is in a very lost place and the burden of taking care of yourself is on your shoulders. Please reach out for help. Try a local church - an AA/NA meeting, anything.

Seren

Wow...I'm sorry to hear about the stress that your Dad causes you! I agree with winnie...call 911, and let them deal with him. You should not feel that you have to be burdened with this!

Hugs to you! HG

JustAYak

Well there's no point in calling 911 anymore, but I'll keep that in mind. He fell asleep/passed out, and he's still like that. He's still alive, that's all I care. I'm ok though... I just need some sort of peace.

greeteachday

Hey Jason, I'm glad you're okay and that your dad is too. It really stinks that you have to be "in the front row" watching this as you try to do what you need to do for yourself. Is there anyone in the face to face world you can speak with?

Gotta admit, the mom in me just wants to snatch you out of there and give you a calm, pleasant environment surrounded by laughter so you can go to school, play your guitar, dream about what you'd like next and not have your dad's addiction in your face. My mom wasn't on heroin - she was an alcoholic in active addiciton during my teen years and I remember how much it messed with my head. Thankfully, she did find her way out and chose to get sober, so eventually we reestablished a relationship. Not the same as what I dreamed of, but good in its own way, and for that I'm grateful. It took me a lot of work on me to deal with things I remember from those years. Unlike you, I waited til I was considerably older to acknowledge my pain....spent way too much time just stuffing it. So amidst the insanity, hang onto the realization that you have come a long way, just by working on you and reaching out for support.

Sending lots of good thoughts for you and for your dad too that he'll decide this isn't the life he wants and want to change.
In the meantime, hang here whenever it helps - there are lots of great folks who know what you are going through and understand.

JustAYak

The only person I can think of would be my guidance counselor at school and I don't know if I'm really into that idea. Our guidance counselors are known for their stupidity and rather...bold behavior. I honestly don't know why half of them still have their jobs.

You speak my dream -.-
It wasn't always like this, there have been breaks in his addiction where I've gotten to relax a little and just try to help myself. He's been clean before. The longest ever was a year I think when I was 10-ish. The last one was 6 months and that ended about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I'm hoping he makes the decision to get clean again, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

winnie12

Jason have you ever sat and talked to him when he was sober and told him what he is doing to your life? Maybe tell him the next time he gets the way he was last night you're going to call 911 because you are scared? At least then maybe he'll do it at someone else's house and not put you in that position. I'm not saying its going to stop him but i get the feeling if you could get a little break for a while from his problems at least you may be able to get through highschool and get old enough to move out.

Just some words of wisdom here but sometimes when we do what we fear miraculous things can happen.

JustAYak

Winnie,

I've always thought I should. I would like to...I just don't have enough courage to. I feel like I'm doing wrongful things by pointing out that he's an addict. I feel like I'd be shoving it in his face, among other things.

Serenity Bound

Jason, I'm so sorry you're going thru this again this week. Please try to get to some meetings, you will find help there. I'm glad you are reaching out here. But I gotta tell ya, that being at a f-2-f meeting and getting phone #'s is a great help too! Just knowing that you can pick up the phone & talk things out, that knowing you're not alone, it's amazing how much that can help.

Quite honestly, how fair is it for him to shove his addiction in your face!!!

Hugs from another mom who feels for you.
Chris

JustAYak

It's not fair serenity. I know it's not, but it's that thing of authority. Its the hierarchy of a family. Parents do what they want and the kids have to deal with it. They decide what you do and don't do. They have the power to ground you and take away your car keys if they see fit. Even if the parent is an addict, that doesn't make it any different. I still feel like I'm beneath him.

As for the meeting, I don't doubt meetings would help me, I'm just a little too chicken to go. Talking is not my specialty. I trip and stumble over words a lot. Like I've said so many times before...I'm a quiet kid, I don't do a whole lot of talking. I think it's easier for me to express myself through writing more than anything else if you can't tell that already. If this is what is working for right now, then so be it.

Serenity Bound

Jason, There are many of us who have gone to meetings, and not opened our mouth. You do not have to share...........only if you chose to. By going & just listening you can gain insight, hope and possibly make new friends.

Please do not think I'm trying to shove meetings at you. I can only share how much they helped me.

Absolutely keep writing, not only might it be easier for you, but I'm sure it is beneficial just to be able to get those feelings out.

Hang in there.
Chris

BBD

Hi Jason, I'm so sorry your in this situation but you do have to reach out and get some help for yourself. My husband has been in education for a long, long time. I can't tell you how many teachers are alcoholics, how many principals are alcoholics and how many normal people in the field have problems. But I can tell you that you can talk to your principal, pick out a favorite teacher, or go for the gym teacher~~~~they will keep this confidential and help you. I've seen it happen. YOU need someone on your side right now hon. My thoughts and prayers are with you..Smiles, Bonnie

JustAYak

Answering machine message:
"Hello, this is Officer Keyshaw from the ____________ Police Department. This message is regarding Brandon ****. Please give us a call back at ----------."

I have not called them back yet.
Every blank thing is just for my own protection on the internet...

Serenity Bound

Jason, you're in my prayers, please keep us posted.

Chris

winnie12

This is not true at all. In a normal healthy family the parents make the decisions because the decisions they make are in the best interest of the child. This is not your situation - he is not making decisions in your best interest and is leaving you to fend for yourself. You have rights too Jason but you are going to have to fight for those rights.

Also, the reason i suggest you talk to him is not for him but you. what he is doing is wrong - might be a wakeup call at least to get him to stop being around you when he is on the verge of OD.

JustAYak

Doesn't matter now, he ODed somewhere else earlier today. That's what the police department called to tell me.
He's still alive though. I don't understand why.

Freedom1990

Oh Jason. :ghug :ghug

I wish I could give you a big hug in person, hon.