MyJoey

Hey Jason,
Check in, haven't heard from you.

winnie12

This is just wonderful.
You know what it is about you that is drawing us all to you? Its that you actually do want something better out of your life and a lot of the addicts in our lives could care less.

JustAYak

I guess I see what you mean winnie. I hope I give you guys a little more hope...

Had kinda a rough night, but other than that I'm ok today.

Freedom1990

Jason, when I was your age, I had no one to talk to except one teacher at school.

I was out there drinking and drugging till I was 28 and at death's door.

I was full of anger, pain, and loneliness.

You remind me of me in so many ways, and even though I don't post very often, I do read and keep you in my prayers. :ghug

JustAYak

I feel like shxt. Say thanks to my dad for reiterating that for me.
-.-

When I go to college he will no longer have a son.

cessy68

Jason, I was just reading your entire posts here- I'm so sorry that you are going through this drama, and heartache.

I'm a big fan of SR, have been off a while because of my power cord issues w/my laptop- so forgive me for comming in late.

Your last post on this thread caught me.

I'm living with an addict boyfriend, for 4yrs now. (addiction started about a year and a half ago)

What I wanted to say- is that as a mom, (i'm not the addict) - It has seriously impacted me that my daughter went away to college. I still have a 'daughter' as we are very close, and she calls constantly.

She is in florida, i'm in CT. I miss her immensly, I just talked to her yesterday, and she is doing amazeing- she was enjoying the pirates fest called 'gasparilla' in tampa this weekend, she sent pics etc.

As her mom, I'm proud, and filled with joy, that she is so independant, responsible, and loving. She has a DOUBLE major of premed and spanish!! whatta girl- but I BLEED everyday, with missing my daughter----- sometimes I wish she were right here beside me.

I hope that when you go away to college, that you find happiness, peace, and lots of new exciting things for you, such as 'gasparilla'!!!

I hope that no matter what happens with your dad, that you keep pushing forward in this life and ENJOY what lies ahead of you.

I had a song for my daughter, called I HOPE YOU DANCE- by leanne womak, In her senior year book, the most proud moment of my life, I opened it to find that she choose that as her quote above her pic.

Perhaps (even if you don't like country music) you could look up the lyrics online and read them-

for her, and I think of you- Jason- I hope you dance.....

Love,
Cessy

Serenity Bound

Jason, Sorry to hear how you're feeling right now. Do Not take to heart anything that your dad says. He is the one missing out. He is the one that's a screw up. Addicts can't take the blame, so they reach out & hurt anyone in their way.

Just breathe, take it one day at a time (maybe one moment at a time) you will get through this, you will go onto college and you will have a good life.

I'm hoping you'll get to some more meetings this week, make some more friends and call one or two when you're feeling like this.

It's the addicts way to put others down, just so they don't have to face themselves. You don't have to listen!

Hugs,
Chris

winnie12

Jason, sometimes i have to really look at my AS as someone else. The things he has said to me while actively using are worse than anything anyone in my life has ever said. Things that just dont go away with apologies or even changes. But I try to look at him as if he's in some bad horror movie and aliens have taken over his brain. In essence that's what the drugs have done to him. Even if he was clean that day or a couple of weeks the effects still can be seen.

He would say the most hateful things - I think in someway its because he felt so much guilt over the pain he was causing me. I know that sounds backwards - a healthy person would try to make amends but an addict will try to make their own guilt go away by convincing themselves that its everyone else around them that is messed up. They get angry at us because they feel guilty for how they are affecting our lives. They will defer their own self-hatred onto us. So instead of saying "I'm messing up my life and I'm a pices of $hit" they will say "you're messing up your life and you're a piece of $hit."

You are an amazing young man - do not listen to the ravings of a mad-man.

JustAYak

First, he said it while he was clean. He doesn't talk to me when he's using, and if he tries to I can't understand him for the life of me. I know it's still the addict part of him talking but that doesn't totally justify it. I know I shouldn't listen but I do anyways because it's my dad. Sorry, I can't help it.. >.>

winnie12

he may not be high but he's not clean. sometimes an addict is at their meanest when they dont have drugs in their system. i had an ex that was more violent during a hangover and when he hadnt drank for a couple of days then when he was actually drunk. I know for my AS he is always mean as a snake until he is clean for at least 6 weeks.

Serenity Bound

Jason, He may not have been in the middle of a high, but he certainly was not "CLEAN"
Yep, we're taught to listen to our parents, that doesn't mean that they are always right.
This is a grown man we are talking about, look at what he's doing with his life......now look at you, you're a smart young-man, with goals...............You will make it!

Hugs coming your way.
Chris

JustAYak

Okay, not "clean" but I couldn't think of any other way to put it. Whatever, it doesn't even matter whether he wasn't using at the time or not, what he said to me still sucks and I don't want to hear it again but I know I will. I don't know, I don't see why they say that kinda shxt when they nothing that could trigger it besides the drugs. I always think there's a little something at least.

winnie12

I know what you mean Jason - I know my son is just reacting to drugs/not having drugs. It doesnt really matter why he's doing it because it hurts just as bad even if there is some reason behind his behavior. some of the things they say just cross the line of how you should treat another human being. Its even harder when it comes from someone (parent for you - child for me) who we're told is supposed to love us. But what i do know is that this is not my son - this is a bad version of my son. Some day I may have my son back - but until then i just cant listen to his words.

MyJoey

Hey Jason,

I am really sorry for whatever your father has to say....you know it's not true, it hurts I know, but it's not true. You could try the old reversed psychology (Not sure if that's the right word) When my son is saying nasty things or yelling why he can't do something I stay very calm and go into a long speech about how much I love him............he just hates it. LOL When your father has something nasty to say to /or about you, tell him you love him (I know this will be hard at the time, but if you want it to work you have to mean it) Just think of something out of the blue, dad I miss having you around, I really love you.....It really makes them feel like crap.....or if he is using heavy he will not be able to handle it and he will just walk away. JUST TRY IT .
Hang in there you have a whole team here cheering you on.

bluebelle

SpeedyJason, I can see why you're so upset. It is really hard to have your parents be so messed up. My dad wasn't ever around, so I grew up with my mom. It was just the two of us. Both of them are addicts. I'm an adult, but it still hurts when my mom says terrible things to me. It is hard not to personalize them. However, your dad is messed up. He has a severe addiction--he has serious problems. You are the one there, so you are who he lashes out at. Try not to take it personally. I know that's hard to understand, but if you take those comments personally, it tears you up inside. It's good that you are writing about this stuff. The sharing helps. Take care, and keep writing.