help with boundaries

Old 06-27-2008, 12:16 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
pjbs55's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
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I agree money isn't everything. I had money when I was married but was married to a very controlling man who loved to put me down. I also have no self-esteem so I know how it feels. Keep going to the counselor and work on you right now, by doing that it will make you a stronger person. Tell your doctor about how depressed you are and ask them to adjust your meds or to put you on some.
Go to meetings, you will meet people there who know how you are feeling and will give you support and someone to turn to.
But most of all take care of you and your girls. They need to know that they are loved and are safe with you around.
In time you will find the strength to do what you feel you have to, until then talk to whomever you can and tell them you just want some support.
You and I spoke before and I'm willing to get in touch with you again to give you all the support you need.
I do ask that you try to enjoy your vacation with your girls and hopefully your AH will be good to all of you during that time.
Sending you hugs and prayers,
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Old 06-27-2008, 01:45 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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hiya drainedwife--
I hope you have some fun on your vacation.
Many of the physical symptoms you described can be the result of depression. If you are drained, run down, hopeless about your situation, feel you have no friends, can't really see a way out, these things can lead to clinical depression and that has a profound physical effect on people.

If your phone never rings and you feel isolated only you can change that. Baby steps are just fine, drainedwife, but you're gonna have to take them! You need HELP!! Start reaching out. Just start. Many of us in alcoholic/addict families isolate because of shame, fear, secrecy: all the million little oppressions of life w/ an addict/alcoholic.

I am so glad to hear you have a therapist. As you make small changes your life will change in big ways. Courage, drainedwife! It won't be easy but it will be worth it!

Keep reaching out, asking for and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, ACCEPTING help!!
It ain't easy for a seasoned codie to accept help - but we simply must learn how!
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Old 06-27-2008, 01:58 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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DW...... first off ..... find and go to a meeting. I know that is hard to say, much less do. That can be your first step. Go to different ones and there is a good chance you will meet some friendly people there...... people you connect with.

Everything is so much easier said than done. Because of your illness/fatigue.... you must take care of yourself.

Definitely enjoy your vacation...... enjoy all the happy times... you deserve to!

If you are spiritual... literally give it over to God..... I truly believe there are miracles out there for you! I bet every day you will find a miracle ....even if at the end of the day it was just being able to breathe!

I'm glad you found SR..... while we don't know you or your husband, we have all been there done that in the trying times. We all share what we have learned, while also understanding the pain you are in. We are here to help you help yourself!

When do you go on vacation? For how long will you be gone? Are you taking any books with you? What do you want to do for you on vacation?

Sending you lots of good *~*~*~ vibes ~*~*~* !!!!

Peace ~ xo
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Old 06-27-2008, 02:16 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
thank you everyone for your support!!
i do have a few friends that i talk to, but i sometimes feel ab urden to them, always compaining about my problems and being so sad...they rarely call me--i talk to my mom all the time....
someone mentined her moving in...or me living withher--shes in Florida, im in jersey---i dont see how that can happen..i dont want to remove the kids from what they know and he would never let me take them out of state...i think it would be too tramatic for them--my mom doesnt think she can afford to move back to jersey..maybe if a decision is made to divorce, then maybe she would, but it doesnt seem sister lives 2 hours away, and she doesnt even call me...she will email me jokes, thats about it.
I used to go to naranon, but the one that i really liked is a little to far away, what with gas prices being so far--it is also during the day and i will start my new job soon, and wont be able to go to that one anyhow...the others are all at night, also tough to get too....but i will look into going...the one around here that i used to go to was just okay--i didnt seem to get that much out of it...and i havent found a good alanon meeting around.. i am on anti-depressants right now, and its a pretty heavy dose---

HOw do i get a life of my own--???? where do i start?? my few friends seem so busy with their own kids and lives....there is never anything to do on the weekends--what do you all do---?? the ones who live with there addicts?

also, i understand that money isnt just scared that i wont be able to make it on my own, taking care of the kids---

thanks for all your support--i really really appreciate it!
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Old 06-27-2008, 02:55 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I needed a support group before I left my ex. But these suggests will work for you whether you live with an addict or not.

I started going to church on weekends and doing volunteer work in the nursery. This was volunteer work and I could bring my child so I had no excuse for not doing it. I started doing this before I left my ex and it helped to expand my own interests and become less dependent on him to feel good about myself.

Personally I think there is a ton of things to do on the weekends whether you live with an addict or not. We go on walks. We go to the park. We have a great parks and recreation program that is nearly free that offers lots of stuff for children and families to do. We take swimming lessons. We go to little street festivals in little nearby towns. We go to the beach and dig in the dirt. We go to the forest and look at the trees. We ride our bikes up and down the street. Lots of stuff to do and it doesn't matter what your spouse is doing or using.

And I'm a single mom, who supports her son with no financial help from his father, so I can tell you that you don't need a lot of money to do those things.

And drained, I am sorry you feel like a burden to your friends. Sometimes the best thing to do is to remember that they have problems in their world too. Maybe instead of talking about your problems, ask them about theirs. Give them a chance to talk to you. Maybe they need your support as much as you need yours. Sometimes getting out of ourselves and helping others is the best way to cure depression.
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Old 06-27-2008, 03:20 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
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Originally Posted by drainedwife
there is still something not quite right..and so i do not think i have the energy to do this by myself..i dont have the physical energy.
Ive been to dr.s and no one has answers for is just something i live with. (ive had other symptoms for 20 years)
It can be pretty draining living with an addict too believe me if you stop hanging on to everything he might or might not be doing you will see how much energy it takes to worry about his drug use.

You cannot, will not make him change. He might change if you change though.

Call your friends and talk about anything other than your H. You must have some common ground if you are friends. Take up a hobby it doesn't have to be an expensive one, paint the living room, make paper dolls, cook something you have never tried before, start walking somewhere everyday for just 10 minutes, the possibilities are endless. What do you like? That is a good place to start.

Do try to make your H do anything at all...
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Old 06-27-2008, 06:25 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Syracuse, NY
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All of us have been where you are or are where you are now. I have had the same symptoms of MS for over 15 years. Only one episode of what they thought was MS and nothing since. MRI showed MS symptoms but I firmly believe it is all stress. I have been diagnosed with that and fibromyalgia as well. Also a stress disorder. We as mothers don't realize what we put our bodies through trying to be everything to our kids since we are all they have. The stress is brutal to our bodies and we keep going.....
There are so many resources out there that can help you if you choose to get out of your situation. I fully understand where you are. I have been living like you for so many years that I have lost count. I have wondered when it is ever going to end. It ends when I have had enough. Just about there. So many people have given you such wonderful advice on here. I have found so much comfort in my spirituality. Something that I can't do without now. When you want out, for you and your kids, lawyers won't matter. You will have had enough. You will just want to move on for you and what is best for your children. We don't realize how much they are affected by our lives. We are so conditioned to keep going and doing and going and doing that we lose track of looking at ourselves and doing what is best for us. I hope that some of this made sense. I hope that you have a good vacation. Do some soul searching and you will know what is the best route for you.
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Old 06-28-2008, 07:27 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
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Have you read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie? It really helped me understand the codependence and why I was feeling and acting the way I was. The heavy burden of codependency drags us down. We are so busy taking care of others.....addicts and kids....we lose ourselves. I always felt putting my needs first was selfish. I realize that if I don't meet my needs then I have nothing to give. Your kids have so much more when mom is healthy and happy. I am glad to hear you have a job. If you are worrying about making it without him, making your own paycheck will give you self-esteem and assurance. Money isn't everything. My husband does anesthesia (his drug of choice!) and I could stay home and not really worry about money. BUT I have put my dreams aside. I have become Depedent on him. Look where that got me! Now I realize that I am dependent on an Addict?!

I love my kids, but I realize that by not having boundaries,....they are also walking all over me! especially as teens. I am the door mat for my RAH and my kids! I am working on all of that and have a long way to go! BUT it has to be done!
Just put one foot in front of the other. You will get there. But I think realizing how codependency works and what it does to us....helps us make the right steps toward being healthy and happy. YOu are blessed with your kids. YOu have so much. Keep posting and reaching out. Absord what people on here are saying. They have so much more insight. Reach out when you need. Take what you want and leave the rest. You didn't cause it, You can't control it and you can't cure it.
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Old 06-28-2008, 07:45 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Take a walk. Go for ice cream. Have a picnic... maybe even just at the house. Go for a bike ride. Go to the library. Call your sister... go there. You might be surprised how happy she would be to have your company. Visit your Mom. Don't have to move in, just go and get some room and a little pampering.

Dig up an old hobby or interest and do it. Feel like a kid again. Keep talking to all of us

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