still no word, she'll probably miss court

Old 05-20-2008, 03:13 PM
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still no word, she'll probably miss court

AD has court week of June 16. I haven't heard of or from since Jan 8. Today I am struggling. Having those thought of going to find her so she won't miss court and/or go to jail (she has another warrant that doesn't have a court date). Feeling helpless, anxious.

I haven't looked for her, called anyone, I truly haven't done any codependent mother things. I know jail is a safe place to heal sometimes, I know there is nothing I can do, I know this is her game not mine.

I also know I love my child, I miss her, I want and always wanted the best for her, I forgive her for all she's done, I want her safe, happy, and moving forward. But, in reality I know it doesn't matter what I want or desire, what I mourn--no wedding or baby showers, no church mother/daughter functions, no shopping on Saturdays, no showing off her pictures at work, no watching her play sports anymore, no being proud of her. just the emptyness (sp) that goes along with this hell.

I will be ok, I am much stronger. I will move on but with a hole in my heart.

Keep praying for me and Kasey,
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Old 05-20-2008, 03:15 PM
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I know that hole in the heart feeling, Momma. And that nothing to be proud of feeling, also. I think pride is one of the 7 deadly sins, though, so I try to fight that one. The hole? I think we need to find other areas in life--our own life--to fill that. Working on that one also. Sending hugs, love and prayers
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Old 05-20-2008, 03:34 PM
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Old 05-20-2008, 03:43 PM
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Susan, I don't think that there is a mother on here that has not felt exactly how you are feeling now. As you know I have been talking to Megan but had gone more than 4 months again without seeing her until she popped in one morning looking pretty strung out. I don't think that it is possible to be 100% happy ever when we have a child out there destroying themselves, but I think it is possible to reach a state of acceptance and peacefulness for what is. I think it sounds like you are reaching that state and it is an okay place to be. Mom hugs, Marle
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Old 05-20-2008, 04:14 PM
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Susan, I had to re-detach recently from my AD, feeling a little sad, but better after some distance........wishing you some peace and serenity.....hugs and prayers for you and kasey
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Old 05-20-2008, 05:40 PM
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Hi Susan:

While I was reading your post I remembered back 13 or so years ago when my son went missing for a couple of months, and a court date was nearing.

The worse part of that situation was the fact that I bailed him out of jail and unbeknown to Mr. Dev I had used our home as collateral! He was staying with us and then all of a sudden he was gone! I was almost out of my mind with worry.....especially since I used our home as collateral!

When the court date came, I went there and waited to see if he would show up! MY GOD THERE HE WAS! That day he was sent to prison for 6 years! I thought I would die, but I didn't! I don't know how or why he showed up as he was pretty well strung out, but he did, and he did knowing he was going to be sentenced to prison!

So, who knows, maybe she'll turn up and surprise you. If not, as you said, it's her game not yours. They have to learn to be conscious of their choices and responsible for their decisions.

You and I both know that they do survive jail/prison, and maybe some even learn. Of course this isn't what we had planned for them and we certainly miss out on a lot of the "normal" things as you mentioned; however, such is life, nothing we can do about that except pray that one day we will be able to experience some of the "normal" things.

Keep the faith and remember to trust in the plan that God has for our children. Some wise person on this forum once said "if you're worrying, you're not praying, and if you're praying, you're not worrying!" That's a true story right?

Keep the faith and know you are not alone here.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 05-20-2008, 05:45 PM
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Hugs from another mom who hasn't spoken to her daughter since Dec 2007. I know your pain. I know and feel your dreams for your daughter. It is very difficult, but as said before me, we have to fill that void with something else (positive). I now accept this as "my new normal". This is where I am right now, and I deserve to have some happiness. So, right now, my new normal is without my daughter. Although I am never giving up, I won't let it direct my whole life.
I am proud of you for not trying to find her, etc. . .
I also know how hard that must be.
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Old 05-20-2008, 05:52 PM
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Hugs and prayers to you!

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Old 05-20-2008, 06:13 PM
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All the responses on this thread clearly remind me why I keep coming back to SR.
What an amazing, wise, kind + supportive group.
Susan, I know that hole in the heart. I know the hope that just maybe this time our child will do the right thing, will show responsibility, will call, etc. I know the realization that we are powerless, that we can't fix it, that we don't have any more persuasive words that will make a difference.

I also know hope & faith. I believe in my son until he can believe in himself. We hear recovery stories all the time. I have to believe my son will
reach it. Just like I have to believe my life can be joyful and I am getting it.

I read your posts Susan so I know you are getting it. Keep hope and faith alive that Kasey will get it in her own time. The mistakes she is making will give her plenty to share about in future meetings.

This is a tough day for you. Hope you find more peace tomorrow.
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Old 05-20-2008, 06:55 PM
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((((To All Moms))))

As many of you know, I have a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. By the Grace of God and determination on my part, I can proudly say that as of today, I have 2 years, 10 months and 25 days in Recovery.

There are a couple of reasons I feel so strongly about sharing this with you. First of all, please don't give up on your kids. I began using when I was only 11 and used for 32 years so you can only imagine the living hell I put my Mom through. I would like to remind you that no matter how much you want to fix them, make it all better, you can't. This isn't like the skinned knee that you could kiss and make better. It's not like the the high fevers that Tylenol and only a Momma's love can bring back down to normal. If only it were that simple. No matter how much shame I brought on to my Mom, she always reminded me that she did love me and that she never gave up hope. She did all kinds of things to try to help, she was a Mom. But please know that all that anyone can honestly do is to Pray, offer support as far as helping with Recovery issues and set boundaries that you will keep. And make sure you keep the consequences of actions that you set into play. My Mom, through all of her love, would set boundaries and then, when I broke them, she didn't keep her word as to the consequences of my behaviors. I lied, stole, cheated, did everything to my Mom when I was using. If you aren't an addict/alcoholic yourself, you cannot imagine the strength of this disease. This disease told me that it was the only one who understood me, it would take care of me, it would love me when I couldn't love myself. And then, it had me so tight in it's grasp that there was no way of breaking free until I had reached my bottom. Mom would ask me many times,"Haven't you learned your lesson yet?" It's not about lessons.

Addiction is a Disease.

Please remember that, no matter what happens as a result of your child's addiction, they never meant to cause you any pain, worry or fear for their safety.

Even though they may act tough, inside, they are the scared child that cried out in the dark when having a bad dream. Only you can't wake them from this nightmare.

You can only Pray.

Let Go and Let God

God Bless and Prayers for the Safe Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual Return of Your Children,
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Old 05-20-2008, 06:59 PM
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I know how that void feels. I have had it many times as you know. Especially when Jen was living out in LA. What a horrible life she lead.....what a horrible way she lived. I had no control over any of it. I don't know how I got through those days but I did.
I am so thankful for today.......I have my beautiful daughter back. I still live one day at a time. I will never be the same person that I was.

Someday Kasey is going to come out of this a stong woman. I love Anvil's post.....I think she said it all. Thanks Anvil.

You know Susan, if she does end up in jail it might be what helps her to change her life.
You know the last time Jen was in jail, that's when she finally had enough.

I am still praying for you and Kasey. Don't give up, Susan. There could still be that wedding, that baby shower, those shopping trips. She is young and still has a full life ahead of her.

Love you Susan....................Lo
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Old 05-20-2008, 09:52 PM
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Serenity Queen

Congratulations....and thanks for giving all of us Moms hope!

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:06 PM
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you have expressed perfectly all the feelings we parents have inside as we watch our children struggle.
i could feel the anxiety, pain, loss and sadness and related so deeply.

Detaching myself from my son's problems is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I struggle constantly, and slip often. I often feel the hurt and disappointment of times I was hoping to have with him.
Sending prayers your way.
you are doing so well.
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:42 PM
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I've read so many stories here about parents that haven't heard from their kids in eons and I can't imagine the struggle to maintain sanity and find serenity. You're all in my prayers.
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Old 05-21-2008, 05:03 AM
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My heart just aches for you, going through this. Honestly, I think jail would be a good place for her right least you would know where she was an know that she's safe.

Although I believe in dealing with this as "it is what it is", don't ever give up hope. I was a really, really bad addict. I did things that no one in her right mind would do. That's how addiction works...we aren't IN our right mind when we're using.

Me, Anvil, Serenity Queen, Done and a lot of others have walked paths similar to Kasey's. We all let down people who love us and did things we aren't proud of. We all had our bottoms....I'm hoping Kasey finds hers and chooses a better life.

Remember, sweetie, she's not doing this to you. You're a good mom and she loves you...that, I have no doubt. Keep taking care of you and let HP take care of Kasey.

Lots of hugs and prayers!

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