Susan, I don't think that there is a mother on here that has not felt exactly how you are feeling now. As you know I have been talking to Megan but had gone more than 4 months again without seeing her until she popped in one morning looking pretty strung out. I don't think that it is possible to be 100% happy ever when we have a child out there destroying themselves, but I think it is possible to reach a state of acceptance and peacefulness for what is. I think it sounds like you are reaching that state and it is an okay place to be. Mom hugs, Marle