Callie

So apparantly I thought H was in debt $1400, but it's supposedly 2400 according to the bookies. They are so concerned that they called me - most of them not for the $$ but because they've never seen ah this bad. H denies everything. The guys he owes money to feel bad and say they won't take $$ from me, but I feel sooo obligated because he's tied to me and I'm ALWAYS good on what I owe. I called them and told them that I would pay them on Friday but to NEVER lend H money again. The person that I talked to says Hey "M(as in me)" everybody loves and respects you and KNOWS you are good for it. They said they would never take your money because that's AH's debt. They will see your tears and they won't accept your $$ because YOU DIDN"T DO THIS! Apparantly a few people said well if "ah isn't good for it ahw's family has it.

So I am going to meet with the card guys (good guys really, they love me and are harmless - this is ah's fault - they are not vegas bookies or anything like that) on Friday to pay them off and plead with them to NEVER lend AH $ again.

I AM leaving, but this is so hard. I feel SOOO obligated to what he's done. My NAME, my families name is associated with him. I'm so embarassed and humiliated. All of this in the name of freaking addiction. My resentment, hatred builds daily. We don't HAVE that $$. It should have went to a house payment or bills. The guys keep saying "M(me)" it's ok, we dont' care if you pay $10 per year. But I'm so ashamed that I want to pay it off and be done. How in the he)) could he shame our entire family based on his addiction.

Right now I HATE him so much - how can I live with such a slimeball. Addiction or not, does a person not know their core being - right from wrong? AH says "slurringly - this is not your problem, it's mine" No Sh#$ A##hole, this is YOUR doing, but YET YOU CANNOT FIX THIS! YOU ARE SO WRAPPED IN YOUR OWN PITY THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THAT YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IS SINKING. YOUR MOM IS GOING TO DIE OF A HEART ATTACK WITH WORRY - SO THEN WHAT IT'S MY FAULT FOR TELLING HER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING BECAUSE i'M TRYING TO PREPARE HER!

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Callie)))

rahsue

<<<<<<<<<<<<hugs And Prayers>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bernadette

Why are YOU paying his debt? Just because you are married and he has run these gambling debts up DOES NOT mean you are responsible. It doesn't. When we do for someone what they should be able to do for themsleves or clean up messes that adults have made we are ENABLING. PLain and simple.

Also don't get hung up on the "shame" he's brought to your family etc. He's brought shame on no one but himself and you should hold your head up and don't even go there! Do you judge the spouses of of addicts the way you are assuming the world is judging you? I sure don't. He's made the mess and people DO recognize that.

What a mess, what a drag Callie - my heart goes out to you - but don't enable his addiction by cleaning up after him. Therein lies madness.
sending (((hugs))) and prayers -
Peace,
B.

laurie6781

Callie I understand your anger, and fear. However, paying HIS DEBTS is enabling to the MAX and not letting him feel the consequences of HIS ACTIONS.

You and your family will not really be embarrassed unless you choose to be. The only who will be embarrassed is your AH.

Please think and then think again about paying off HIS GAMBLING DEBTS. Not a good idea at all.

As you say he "slurs his answers" I suspect there is alcohol and/or drugs involved also. How about trying some Alanon meetings for you. First learn what your reasonable boundaries are for your peace and serenity, and then learning how to set those boundaries and keep them.

Keep posting here also and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

serenityqueen

suki44883

I can't add much except to say that I agree 100% with those who encourage you to rethink paying his debts. How will he learn anything if you go behind him cleaning up his messes? Prayers going out to you.

bigredme

Ditto. Don't do it. It's not your shame to own but his. The only thing you'll get is more broke. You won't get gratitude. Or a medal...or the family honor. YOU ARE honorable. That should be enough. Let AH face the consequences.
xoxo
bigred

ZombieWife

Oh man. (sigh)

You are a good woman to keep things square with the house, but I hope you can be free of this soon and he can deal with his own problems (or not deal with them, as the case may be.)

dogged

i wouldnt pay off his debt, what he has done to his reputation has nothing to do with you and how people look at you, reality is theser bookies knew something was up and they still loaned him money, it was thier fault as to gamble like that, let them feel the pinch..they wouldnt be so willing next time to front him the mone. i wouldnt weven worry about that. like you said they respect you, and they are right about they shouldnt be taking your money..why go into debt over his mistakes???

Callie

Thank you guys - I got up got my kids to school and went back to bed. I'm going to see the counselor that H is suppose to be seeing today but in his "confusion" he made 2 appts with two doctors (one medical) at the same time. I so appreciate your support. My head has been spinning for the last two weeks and I keep getting more and more info about H and I just sink deeper and deeper. I will be ok though. I always am. I need to let go and take the strength that I've used to micromanage H and put it towards myself.

atalose

(((callie)))

It’s not your shame to own, it’s not your responsibility to pay off HIS debt and he is telling you that if you’d only listen.

Your mad that your h cannot FIX THIS, you have to learn to understand that YOU CANNOT FIX HIM or make him fix himself. You cannot quilt him by saying his mother will have a heart attack from worry, guilt doesn’t stop addiction it fuels it!!

You can’t accept the blame for any of this and the longer you do the more pain you will continue to carry.

I think the best idea you said is to stop micromanaging H and manage yourself, work on your codependency, learning and understand why you feel his shame, why you feel the need to fix him, micromanage him and assume all the guilt.

MrsMagoo

Callie, stepping away from the addict feels a whole lot like not caring but it's not. Step away and let him reap the consequences of his choices. Those choices were not yours and your sole responsibility is to you and your children. Leave him like you said and once he hits his bottom (and remember you can't know what his bottom is or decide where it is), he will have nowhere to go but up.

Step away Callie. Get some books on co-dependency, go to meetings or see that therapist. Be good to yourself and be the best mother you can be to your children.

:sorry

Impurrfect

(((Callie)))

I've got to agree with the others that say don't pay his debts.

If someone had paid MY debts for using, I'd probably still be using! I had thought about asking someone for a loan, but decided to try to do it on my own. I'm still struggling, but knowing that I AM making a dent in my debt and being responsible feels good.

I really think that if you pay the debts, you are taking away the chance for him to learn a lesson. If I was still using, I'd think "oh boy....a clean slate" and go right back and do it again. If he keeps doing this, at some point they are NOT going to be nice anymore!

I really hope you reconsider. Let him learn his lesson.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Yes they do know! But they just don't care. And with you there picking up the pieces, there will be no reason for him to change.

Callie

Thank you everybody. I had a counseling session with someone we've both seen on seperate occasions and together. Ends up that IC tells me he and his colleague have never seen AH come in there NOT high. I had no clue. He said AH's probably done this for so long that he's become so good at being an addict. Not like me if I have one too many glasses of wine and it's obvious I'm intoxicated. Also, we got to talking about AH's other physical problems. IC (individual counselor) is certain that AH has menieres disease. It can be caused by hydrocodone (?) use - the same thing in vicodins, percocet, oxycontin etc. H has been to multiple ear specialists and on major rounds of antibiotics. He cannot hear out of one ear and has lots of drainage. He also will be sick, like violently sick every few weeks. Basically it sounds like the hydrocodone can cause this disease and with continued use it will progress most likely. He may never get the hearing back in his ear and it could continue to spread to the other year. This because of a long (as in probably years - maybe up to 20 years??) of drug abuse.

IC is also certain that AH has rapid cycling bipolar. AH tried bpd medication but nothing ever worked correctly. IC said it's most likely NOT working because of the other crap he's taking with it.

IC strongly feels that AH needs to be in rehab again as well as extensive counseling. AH was supposed to have an appt with IC today as well (same guy) but he got "confused" and made two appts @ the same time. One for the MRI for his ear and the other with IC.

IC deals with substance abuse, but his partner specializes in it. She agreed that AH has never been in there sober. IC also feels that AH may not be stable and really fears about him committing suicide (as in running his car into a tree, so it looks like an accident...). IC wondered if I would go in with AH to the appt. next Tuesday with him. He was going to lay it out for AH as to what he sees.

I of course come home and talk to AH about all of this. He is very worried about his ears, but somewhat admits that he has a problem, wants help, wants to get better etc. But is still lying about the extent of it. Says he will NOT go back to rehab, but will go to IC and try to do a dr's assisted rehab (which he's done before with oxy and methadone).

I'm sure you can gather from the tone of this email that he's saying this out of fear for the Meniers disease and to keep me, but He's not offering much else.

I know - let go, let go. I need to do more reading here. I feel like IC is rightfully worried about AH, I am too, as his mom. But yet again "I" am the one they turn to to help AH. Such a terrible and exhausting week for me. I just want to go to bed.

Callie

BTW - I am rethinking paying his debts. I've talked about it with IC and he agrees with all of you guys. I just feel so stupid backing out of it now.

peaceteach

This is a learning process. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to do ANYTHING YOU WANT. I think you are doing great

cookconfay

Let him pick his own tabs up, let him be responsible for his own actions.....which he'll never do if you keep doing it for him......let him lose the job, let him lose the license, let him be homeless, let him go where he obviously wants to go.....D-O-W-N.....that's the only way I was able to get help and a desire to change!

jerect

I know this is hard but listion to these guys on here and don't pay his debts. A few months ago I was just like you untill I started attending alanon and realzed that when I bailed my AH out I was only enabling him and making things much worse.

My stupid AH did not have any federal or state income tax taken out of his paycheck for 06 or 07. When I did his taxes for him in 06 I pointed this out to him and he told me he would have it taken care of, well of course he didn't. AH is a waiter so he brings home tips and techically his paycheck should be 0.00 due to all the taxes taken out. He lied to me about it for a whole year and used the paycheck to buy drugs with. Last year I was kind enough to set him up a payment plan with the IRS, this year when the $3,000 tax bill came, I did nothing. It's still sitting on the dining room table waiting for him to call the IRS to see what he can do about setting up another payment plan. BTW, we keep our finances seperate other then a joint checking account. There is no way in heck that I'm going to have my name joined on his for anything.

Peaceteach is right, you are allowed to change your mind at anytime and you should never feel guilty when you make a decision that causes you not to enable him.

My point in my story is this: if I bail my AH out for his taxes or anything else then he will never be responsible for his actions. He has to learn the hard way and pay the consequences. Am I nervous? sure am, cause he could get his wages garnished and all kinds of other awful stuff but I'm also protecting myself in other ways so that we will not be out on the street when this happens.