aspiring

Thought I would share my experience with my XAH and a very very similiar episode. He was a plant manager who upon his firing of an employee for drug use, said employee screamed to the company owner.. test him he uses, cocky XAH says go ahead I'll do it right now. Owner says great......he fails. Tested positive for cocaine. Oh the drama that ensued, although we all knew he was an alcoholic.. this could not be !! So the family rallies round and the fight begins. Second test.. fails. What ?? Ok now he cries .. I mean physically cries and says I swear I did not and do not use cociane. He is suspended from his job until further review. Family doc is enlisted.. why no.. this cannot be true he contacts a friend at medical university and jumps into research mode seeking a plausible explantion for such an unjust accusation. XAH boldly contacts an employment attorney to fight it. Ultimately it ended with his termintaion, now mind you he was the only source of income, as this is a right to hire right to fire state.. no reason necessary. Guess what.. 3 years later after we have been split up for 2 months he confides in my eldest daughter.. yup.. he used that cocaine and had in fact used that morning. Take that experience for what it's worth.. I surely wish I had my 'blinders' off and not lived in the fog so deeply to have seen the truth for what it was and not listened to the quacking.

Callie

It's coming from AH - not employer.

suki44883

Very interesting question. You might want to contact his employer and ask a few questions. (((HUGS))) and prayers to you.

Callie

This is exactly the way that I feel. AH deserves all of this, he deserves to lose his job, whether it be because of FMLA and excessive, excessive missed work or because of drugs. BUT if I let him fall (which @ this point he deserves) he takes myself and my two kids down with him. This house was my grandpa's house. He left it to my dad, whom I purchased it from. We just added on 4 years ago. It holds GREAT sentimental value to me. We have nice cars, nice everything. (not trying to brag at all). All of this will be greatly reduced or gone if he's fired. I cannot get child support from someone who is jobless. I cannot get that amount of child support if he's fired.

I feel like I can turn it over to him (which he'll most likely fail) or I can fight. Fight is all I've known how to do. If I let HIM fall, we ALL fall. I DO see the work that I'm doing to help him keep his job as an investment in my kids and my future. I hope that makes sense.

NO MATTER what, I'll be ok. I will make it. But it would be a heck of a lot easier with a decent amount of child support. After this fiasco is over, I just want to be A L O N E!

Callie

Aspiring - thank you for your story. It sounds the same only AH does not fully deny using. He IS trying to work every angle here. He's even thought about what your XAH's employee did. The team leader that (was required) to march him down to admin. smokes pot every day. Pretty much his entire area does something. You all are probably right. If AH gets out of this whose to say that he'll not use again. Right now his focus is on keeping his job. Very little has been said about getting clean. Though he WILL say this will never happen again. He is very scared, this is just starting to spill out publically. Enough so that he can't even hold his head high at my kid's baseball games.

It's such a tangled mess, but in the end, I know that I'll be ok. I just feel like I'm fighting for myself as well. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way defending my AH at all. He deserves everything that he's getting - but my 7 yo b/g twins and I don't. Nor does my family who as you said ASPIRING has rallied around AH before.

hello-kitty

I had to accept that I couldn't stop my ex from falling. I had to accept that I wasn't that powerful. I had to accept that I could only stop myself & my children from falling with him.

Impurrfect

(((Callie))

I'm glad to hear you say "I will be okay"...that's the most important thing. You've come a long way, and I understand why you want him to keep his job, but it sounds like this is out of your (or his) hands. I've been where he is...pee in the cup, or get fired. I walked, because I knew I was going to test positive. It still took me YEARS to get into recovery...went down a whole lot further.

You ARE going to be okay. It's not fair that families get dragged down by addiction, especially financially, but it happens. I'm still dealing with MY financial mess I got myself into, but I'm doing it...one step at a time.

I'm so sorry you and the kids are going through all this, but I hear progress in your posts on how you're dealing with it. You ARE a strong woman!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

It makes a lot of sense but (there's almost always a but) when this current situation has played itself out, what's next for you? lightseeker kind of mentioned that too. You may not have an answer now but it's definitely something to think about. Your husband can't be depended on for anything right now or even the immediate future. Should he decide to seek recovery it may be a long process, as all the recovering addicts here can attest too.

StillLearning1

Callie,
I very much understand your feelings, I've been there.
It can be so hard to see things when we are in the midst of it. I have spent a lot of time looking at the past and trying to understand it and myself.

Looking in from the outside here are just some thoughts, as they say take what you like and leave the rest.

The reason they will not okay an ua/blood test now, the drug use they suspected that day are now metabolized. The hair follicle test is to prove PAST use. Which is what their focus is on.
I don't know what your husbands work entails, but if working under the influence he could have been a danger to himself or others.

I don't know your whole story, could have missed some.
I know he has told you that he is sorry, will never use again, he may well be, even the desire may truly be there.
But from what I have learned from the recovering addicts, many who come here and share their journey, it is not easy. They don't just talk about it, don't just want it, they work Very hard for it. It appears they don't do it alone, or even with just our support.

A thought? Maybe telling him about the forum here for substance abusers, having him ask for help. Sorting things out.

My personal experience? My ex. had/has a very hard time asking for help. (he was afterall married to me- a queen in codependancy)

I feel for you- such a chaotic, stressfilled, confusing, crisis time.

Callie

Thanks guys for all of your help. Believe it or not AH got the extension until Monday. He has the dr. appt with the nephrologist on Monday and his company will accept it (the report from the specialist). I feel a little sigh of relief. Meanwhile I've got tournament games all weekend for my kids (baseball). There are a few people that know about AH being walked out - they are guessing as to why I would imagine. But I'm astounded at how supportive everyone is being. I'm so grateful for that. Will update more when I know it.

splendra

((((callie))))

My H says it could save his job if he goes straight into rehab and gets a lawyer

Callie

Splendra - AH has already thought of that. They said if he admits he had a problem BEFORE they suspect something or he gets into trouble - fine, they'll help. But if it is AFTER the fact that he got caught then, sorry. Thanks to you and your H for your help. I'm telling you, my AH knows ALL of the angles. That is how he's fooled stupid, naieve, trusting Callie for 21 years. He is THAT good. I am beat today, completely worn out, but I feel better about things.

peaceteach

That is how he's fooled stupid, naieve, trusting Callie for 21 years.


I will allow you the naieve and trusting, Callie, but you are forbidden to use the word stupid None of us were stupid. We loved, that's all. We expected the other person to feel the same power of love for us as well. I know I truly did, and was continually shocked when lied to and promised to by the addicts in my life. This is not stupid. It is caring and kind. But there are those out there who learn to dominate our kind, and we gain strength each time we learn to put a hand up to them. And that strength brings wisdom, and serenity. We can still be kind and loving; we just need to practice these qualities on ourselves for a good long while and let the other adults take care of themselves.

We are recovering codies, and instead of expecting our addicts to find recovery, we must focus on finding it for ourselves instead. You are opening up your eyes each day so much, Callie, and finding out the truths that fit your situation. Keep putting those feet out each day. That's the way through this incredibly difficult but empowering journey.

Callie

Geeze PT - Thanks so much. You know sometimes the resentment that I've built up because of MYSELF (tolerating this crap) is as much as the RESENTMENT that I feel towards my AH. I don't trust myself to NOT trust him. That is a very twisted thing to say KWIM?? Yet I'm still here. NOT because I think that I can change him or feel sorry for him, but because I freaking believed in him. I KNOW he has it in his heart. It's just that he doesn't lay it out there - BUT I need to realize that I cannot put myself on that line any longer.

splendra

yea doll my H knows all the angles too

Callie

You tell that H of yours he's a lucky man. Lucky to have you - willing to overlook ornot see the angles. Thanks guys for your input. Will keep you updaed.

Abundance

Agree with everything PT said.

Callie.... I was thinking about you and wondering how it all was going to go down today..... I'm glad he got the extension....

You are absolutely correct about not putting yourself on that line any longer!

Back in December, my abf, finally and I mean FINALLY ... as in took me losing my mind, yet not completely going crazy, but pretty much on the brink of thinking it was me who was nutty that he really wasn't using, when of course he was using.... and then me not talking with him for a few days for him to FINALLY say that in fact he did have a problem. When he finally told me... I had found SR and had begun my codie recovery. And thank goodness I had too! SR saw me through the thick of it!

Anyway, he tried to quit on his own, and I knew he hadn't, even though he insisted he had.... but what I learned and what I did.... was "Let go and Let God"..... and that brings me to where I am today! I learned how to build boundaries and every day was a constant challenge... but I was aware and that awareness made me stronger.

You are NOT stupid.... you believed..... and actually... it's probably best you did because you didn't play a role in it... if that makes sense? This is all on him, and it would be regardless... but your not knowing at the time ... saved you from feeling crazy (like i was).

I don't know if I'm making sense... but I will say from experience... being with someone who is obviously w/ding or obviously high and denies it..... well..... it was making me crazy! I wanted to believe, but I was more so in denial... and the more I tried to believe him ... the more crazy I became.
Have I said today how much I LOATHE ... not even hate... or despise.... I LOATHE opiates???!!!

So.... back to you.... what are you going to be doing? You are going to stay in the house... and your ah is at his moms.... has it been worked out for how long? Or are you just taking some time to get through this work thing? Do you have Plan A, Plan B and maybe a Plan C worked out? What is it that you want? Aside from your ah being able to keep his job.

I'm sorry... I hope I am not coming off too nosey, I know that for me at least, it helps knowing what my options are.

(((hugs))))

Callie

Just an update - AH lost his job of 19 years. He made awesome money at that. We've all been scrambling because of this. I have until the end of the month for insurance. He has one last stop, which is kangaroo court. Basically his company fires him, but because they do not have a union they enlist 6 people employed to be the jury. Both his company and he presents their case. They vote and he needs 4 votes to be reinstated. If he is, it will be with full pay for the last 3 weeks missed.

AH saw the nephrologist today. She'd said he needed to collect urine from Sunday. He did and also requested that they drug test it. She's mainly looking @ the creatinine. She's going to do some research on his low levels as of now and in the past. Lab results should be back tomorrow as well as her findings. He can present all of this @ kangaroo court.

I'm a mess right now. I'm scrambling to get dentist, eye appts, rx's refilled ect before insurance runs out. I'm also trying to help AH get all the paperwork together to present his "case." I know, I know, it's "His now" let him own it. But I just cannot let my kids and myself fall down the drain because of him. I KNOW what AH will do. He's running scared right now. He's walking the straight and narrow. Most likely clean or he wouldn't have requested the drug test. BUT without the help he needs NA, proper meds or whatever. I guarantee he'll be down this path in the future. Just when he gets into his comfort zone he'll start using again. That's what he does, that is what he's always done.

I appreciate all that you have done for me up until this point. You have no idea how much this helps. BTW - don't think that "IF" he gets his job back that everything will be all hunky dory. It won't. I just have to get to that point to make some decisions. Right now I feel like I'm drowning and I'm trying to save everything that I've worked so hard to build.

lightseeker

Callie -

I'm glad for the update. I was just thinking about you and wondering how things are going. I hope that the kangaroo court and the lab tests will go well and that they will buy you a little more time to get your ducks in a row. Are you already working or will you have to be looking for a job? This just all really sucks. Please know that better days are in store for you - I know that doesn't help right not but I do know that you have a lot of pluck and you will come out of the other side of this intact. You have built a lot but you have also had to endure a lot of heartache with your AH. It's not been an easy road from what you have posted.

You sound like you have a good plan with getting the medical appts taken care of before the end of the month. Can you do Cobra? Please keep us posted and just know that you are supported.

Hugs

Callie

You know what - I WILL be ok. I thought I would be a complete devastated mess. Of course I am, but am much stronger that I thought I would be. I make very good $$ in what I do, but it's very sporadic and not at all a stable paycheck. BUT if I know ahead I can plan for it. I've already cancelled the Netflix, taken down the dish network channels, gotten all relevant accounts in my name enrolled in mint dot com, as well as checked Suze Orman's forums. I just feel like I HAVE to know that I did everything that I could before walking away.