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More thoughts on forgiveness

Old 04-14-2008, 07:53 AM
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More thoughts on forgiveness

This was the "Today's thought from Hazelden"

One forgives to the degree that one loves.
--La Rochefoucauld

We all get hurt by other people sometimes. When this happens, we have choices. We can get angry and stay that way. We can act like it didn't hurt and try to forget it. We can act like a sad sack and hold a grudge. Or we can forgive.

We first have to think about how someone hurt us. It often helps to talk to the person, to tell the person that he or she hurt us. We then tell the person what we'd like from him or her to help set our relationship straight. Then we let go.

This is what forgiveness is: (1) loving ourselves enough to stand up for ourselves, (2) loving others enough to point out their behavior, and (3) letting go.

Prayer for the Day
Higher Power, help me lovingly forgive those who have hurt me.

Action for the Day
I will list five persons who have hurt me. Have I forgiven them? I will talk to my sponsor about it today.

==========================

This has given me some things to think about. I struggle with the idea of forgiveness as I don't want to feel as though I am judging someone else.

This is what forgiveness is: (1) loving ourselves enough to stand up for ourselves, (2) loving others enough to point out their behavior, and (3) letting go.
That is a terrific way to look at forgiveness. That takes the idea of judgment out of the equation entirely, and puts it in the perspective of LOVE for ourselves and others.

It's about love and boundaries. And that works for me.
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Old 04-14-2008, 08:20 AM
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What other people think of me is really none of my business ~~


That is so true, but why does what others think hurt so much? I read the piece on forgiveness and I am focusing very hard on that today. I hurt so much at the moment, but that pain is benefitting nobody. Today I will try to make the pain go away... and let go. Thanks
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Old 04-14-2008, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by imallright View Post
That is so true, but why does what others think hurt so much?
A long time ago a friend told me it's because I wanted approval. Don't know if it applies to others but it truly applied to me.
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Old 04-14-2008, 10:48 AM
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I get the Hazelton's daily thoughts also! They are great.
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Old 04-14-2008, 10:54 AM
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I always wondered if forgiving meant forgetting. Is that what "moving on" is? Because I can't forget. I mean, other than it being physically (brain-wise) impossible, thoughts still creep into my head.

Can you forgive but not forget and still turn out ok on this?
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Old 04-14-2008, 11:15 AM
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There are things I will never ever forget. They will always be there in the back of my mind. Those reminders help to keep me safe, and they show me how far I have come in my recovery. Those memories don't control me or frighten me or paralyze me anymore. They are just there.

For me, the "letting go" part means to let go of the resentments. I can't change the facts, but I can feel the feelings and then let go so that I can move forward.
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Old 04-14-2008, 11:25 AM
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Hmmm. I sometimes still feel paralyzed by those memories, and I think I do still hold resentment. One big reason is that my husband has a different memory of what happened during a few big occasions, and I feel like if I bring it up NOW, he will say, "why didn't you tell me back when it happened instead of waiting all this time."

Let me give you an example. When my daughter was 6 weeks and going through one of THOSE NEAT AND FUN growth spurts, she wasn't sleeping for more than an hour at a time. She was hungry constantly or needed comforting all the time. Well, he was still coming down off of meth (he wasn't the same and able to really function for a few months--so tired all the time, would sleep and sleep.) Well, he had slept until 2pm and got up for work. He saw how tired and exhausted I was. I mean, I remember looking in the mirror and I was harrowed, pale, barely able to function.

He said, "I'm calling in sick to work so I can help you."

"Great!" I thought. He called in sick, then took the baby and took her into bed with him so he could go back to sleep! That's not watching a baby. So, I took her with me again and he slept for another 7 hours.

When he tells people about our hardships at home after she was born (typical parent stuff,) he always says, "well I really helped a lot. I even called in sick to help her during the 6 week growth spurt."

I sit there thinking, "you have got to be kidding me."

I guess if he didn't gloat about helping (which maybe he dreamed this all up, who knows,) I guess I wouldn't feel resentment! But, it's like he's using that moment to try and prove to others how great of a dad he is/was and it just annoys me. I want to tell him, "we have VERY different views of this" and I honestly think it might help me let it go. BUT, then there's the idea of bringing up the past so long after it's happened.

Sorry this is so much, but I really want to move past this resentment thing. Maybe I just need to make the choice to do it and bite my tongue (and grind my teeth) every time he brings that up to someone else. I know it's the "bigger person" thing to do, but I'm still honked off about it. I guess I haven't forgiven him for that because he doesn't understand what really happened.

(sigh)

Talked myself in circles.

Bleh....
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Old 04-14-2008, 02:11 PM
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IMO somethings you can never forget. And that's ok. But if you can, you have to try to let it go. You can't make it change or take an instant replay and fix it, so what is the sense of continuing to let it hurt you? I have many "bad" thinkgs etched in my mind and I think the culmination of these things and somehow finding my self-respect has allowed me to start to see a way out. I certainly never wanted any of those things to happen, but I know now I can't fix it, even though I don't want that stinking memory in my head.

Maybe we have to choose to think new thoughts and fill our lives with new memories to push the old out??? I don't know, but maybe that might help both of us.

HUGS!
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Old 04-14-2008, 03:20 PM
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I've heard it said that to forgive someone is about me, and my letting go of the pain I attach to the action. I don't have to allow it to happen again, I don't have to have anything to do with the person who done me wrong, I just have to give it up to the universe and let go of the pain of the resentment.

Hugs
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Old 04-14-2008, 03:42 PM
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I talked with my therapist about this just last week. When you forgive, that person no longer has power over you. You regain your power over yourself.
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Old 04-14-2008, 05:38 PM
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Hey , Zombie, I can relate! My daughter's father used to tell people that he was the one to get up in the middle of nite to feed the baby. Until I had to remind him that she was breast fed til she was nine months old. Ha?
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Old 04-14-2008, 07:59 PM
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Awesome! Amazing, actually! Made me laugh! Thanks!
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:40 PM
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Hey , Zombie, I can relate! My daughter's father used to tell people that he was the one to get up in the middle of nite to feed the baby. Until I had to remind him that she was breast fed til she was nine months old. Ha?
So was mine!!!! Hahahaha.

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Old 04-14-2008, 10:34 PM
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For me, the "letting go" part means to let go of the resentments. I can't change the facts, but I can feel the feelings and then let go so that I can move forward.

I think when we can begin to let go, we can start to heal and then feel better off in the long run. I wish there was an easy recipe for it though.

Saw this the other day and it kinda fits:

"To be wronged is nothing, unless we continue to remember it." -- Confucious

Now, I don't think I will ever forget...meaning I will always remember, but I hope there will be a day soon that my hurt, anger, and resentments won't be on my mind all the time. Maybe then I might be able to work towards forgiveness. Right now I am not as angry with him as much as I have been, maybe that's the detachment (??), so emotionally I think that's better for me.

(must say though, that he is really bugging me right this minute.....all I want to do is write and he can't seem to put the dishes away without asking me where every little thing goes.....would you like the spoons in the big spot or little? where does the shredder go....what about the tongs....OMG and I am thinking...well if you actually did that more than twice a year, you wouldn't have to ask!!! my tension is building!!!!)

So, still working on this one
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Old 04-14-2008, 11:37 PM
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OK, I'm back. For today I will try to "let go and let God" and perhaps be in a better place to look towards forgiveness.

AH is asleep now, and I have taken many deep breaths. I was tense because I know he doesn't like when I am online (he's jealous if you can believe it) so he interrupts and because I knew that one reason he kept talking to me was that he is taking Xanax to help him with the withdrawals....so its basically the pills talking. And that really bugs, to put it nicely.

Just thought this was all too ironic. When I began my first post, I was calm and thinking about how I haven't been angry with him for a while, and how maybe that meant I might be ready for forgiveness someday soon.....then he started. Hope I didn't go off topic too much
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Old 04-15-2008, 05:03 AM
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One day at a time. The addict... or perhaps it's the drug... I don't really know are amazing sometimes. Children, but ten times worse than a child at his worst behavior. My AH is jealous of the computer too! Thinks I am "up to something"... I am... something healing and good for me! Thanks!
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