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looking for advice ............about my son

Old 04-09-2008, 06:26 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Ann
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Lies, I am so proud of you for enforcing a boundary that just might save his life.

Lordy teenagers can wear you down, I swear they are worse than 3 year olds.

He understands exactly why you are doing what you are doing, he's just mad he blew it. One day he'll thank you...hopefully it won't be a day when one of his friends gets killed drag racing. What ARE they thinking?

Big hugs to an amazing mom
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Old 04-09-2008, 08:17 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Lies,
My son hit a truck head on in a Mustang when he was 17. We almost lost him. You are doing the right thing!!!
I saw a Dr Phil show where he had 2 kids who were continually being caught street racing. He played nice to these guys and listened to them brag, then, at the end, totally tore up both of them, it was great!!! I disagree with Dr Phil on some points, but he was right on this time! I wish you could check it out.
Also, there are several really nifty new gadgets that you can install in your kid's car now that let you know how they're driving....speed, even blowing off stop signs. Apparently kids won't even know they're in their car with some models. I'll tell you, if I had to do it all over again (sons are now much older, and worrying about their own boys) I would invest in one!! Just my thoughts, teen boys are rarely easy!! I think you're doing a great job.
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Old 04-09-2008, 08:57 PM
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Heya Liesagain--

"Heres my question how can I explain or show him what accepting responsibility means...That just saying you do doesnt make it so..............and how can I help him understand the gravity of his choice??"

Just stick to the consequence that you set!!! By sticking to it you ARE showing him by example what accepting responsibility means!!

What kind of RESPONSIBLE mother would give in to the whiney, immature, self-serving, desperate (I have 17 & 13 yr old sons!!!) pleading of a kid who completely VIOLATED the ONE stipulation you set re: his driving??

Be patient. Do not give in. Try to keep an air of cool nonchalant inevitablity about the fact that ... oh, well, it's not negotiable. You'll get the car back when you're 18, end of story.

And tell him he has like 48 more hours to b*tch about it and then the subject is CLOSED and you do not want to hear anymore. Then put up your umbrella for 48 hours and be done with it!

Unless he wants to start adding months to that 18yr old deadline!!!

Major pat on the back to you mom. This country needs more MOTHERS like you!

I have a little ceramic plaque I found at a flea market - it hangs behind clothes in my closet where no one can see it but me -but whenever I need to I remember it and it helps - it says: "Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck"

Hang in there!
Peace,
B.
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Old 04-09-2008, 09:47 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I have a son who recently turned 19 who, up until last summer, lived with his Dad for many years due to my drinking and using.

I was over joyed when he moved back in with me, naturally. But I sure see what a manipulative, NORMAL, teenager he is.

I can only set so many boundaries with him since he is 19 but when I do, I've learned that I have got to stick to what I said were the consequences.

When I was a teenager, I tested and pushed my Mom so much that she deserves a medal for putting up with me. I would do something that I wasn't supposed to do and she would ground me. I knew that if I drove her absolutely crazy, I'd be "ungrounded" very quickly. It worked every time. This behavior helped get me to where I am today. An alcoholic and addict. Thank goodness I'm in Recovery but I was four months out of highschool when I first went into detox. I'm in no way blaming my Mom for any of this, please don't think that. My Parents divorced when I was in grade school and Mom had to work long hours to provide for us. She did her best but I was a selfish, wild child.

My Son is obsessed with fast cars. Luckily, he's still driving the one my Mom gave him when she quit driving. He calls it a Grandma car. I'm so happy. I love the fact that he's behind the wheel of a Corsica. He complains that his "ride is a hoopty" I'm happy that he's alive. He has a few friends who have had two or three cars since they got their license and have totaled each one of them. For Brandon, he was in one of these cars when the driver took a corner too fast and they spun out into a tree. Thank God no one was hurt. But Brandon suddenly became a responsible driver. He told me one day that he actually saw his life flash before his eyes as it took, what seemed to him to be forever from the time the car went out of control until it hit the tree.

About once a month it seems that a story breaks on the news of yet more teenagers being killed in car accidents. I would much rather have Brandon mad at me for awhile than to bury him.

Hang tough Mom.

His life is worth it.

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Old 04-09-2008, 10:31 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Thanks everyone...................son is simmering down
still doesnt get what the big deal is................and I tell him I understand that he sees no big deal in all of this and thats the problem.............but its getting better and hes okay today

I'm sticking to my word. He may drive again before 18 but NOT that car and not one thats considered a fast or racing car............

Sons still trying to be manipulative and push my buttons.........watching alot of speed racing junk on TV makes comments about when"I'm 18" but I pretend not to notice..............thinking keep it up kid you wont drive...........till 18 but I stay quiet I think that gets to him more

Eventually he'll be ready to really listen and I'll try to talk then but until then its me fingers in my ears saying to myself lalalalalala
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Old 04-09-2008, 10:33 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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You GO mom! Too many people would cave by now. He can earn some of the broken trust back (trust in losing your confidence in his responsibility.)

I dated a guy once. He would do stupid, jerkish things. Then, he would tell me, "I'm such a jerk."

I finally said, "Ya know, you telling me what a jerk you are doesn't fix the problem: THAT YOU ARE BEING A JERK. Fix it, or get lost."

He got lost.

But, to make my point, it's one thing to admit your wrongdoing. It's another to say "yeah yeah, I made a mistake, I won't do it again, but it's not a big deal."

If he got rid of the "it's not a big deal" part, then he'd be onto something. Thing is, as a mother of one, I wouldn't give a rat's backside if "everyone else is doing it," and THEY think "it's no big deal."

It's a big deal to me when I think of my teenager behind the wheel, acting this way. I don't want a call at 2am from the police telling me my child has been in a serious accident or . . . worse . . .

He needs to understand the gravity of what he's doing and the price he (and his friends/family) could pay. His friends/peers may regard it as no big deal. He's not HIS FRIENDS. He's someone's SON.

Honestly, this might be a time to show some vulnerability (not weakness.) Let him know what it meant to you to hold him when he was a baby, to stare over his crib at night, asking God, "please let anything bad that was meant to happen for him happen to ME." Tell him how you stared at him when you rocked him to sleep and wanted him to always be safe, that you'd give your life for his without even thinking.

I never got that from my parents and I did dangerous, terrible things. I didn't get it until I had a child of my own. I never want my child to "get it" that late in life. I want her to know what it means to love and that life is so fragile. I pass a homemade "shrine" on a street corner every day. It's a spot where a girl was hit by a high school kid who was speeding (and drunk.) There are flowers and pictures and candles and stuffed animals. That's not a big deal?

Sorry to get off track there a little, but I am totally with you, 100%. He made a promise, a "contract" about the car. He broke that deal. If you give in now, he'll learn that contracts and "deals" aren't worth a darn thing. No "please please another chance." It's a deal breaker. 18 will come soon enough and he can have his car. Until then, I'd consider letting him drive mine, but only after he rebuilt that confidence that's been lost. (Again, this is just what I'd do.)

:ghug3
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Old 04-09-2008, 10:40 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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zombie you are so very right and every word you said is how it is for me and how I plan to continue dealing with this.

He has to understand he has to realize he could die

I believe he knows how very much hes loved I tell him always and show him as much as possible but also because I have always been so adament about saftey my kids think I'm a bit nuts..........but they will get it when they have kids so its ok.

He is begiing to see the facts hes just not ready to accept them.

I have taken to spouting off statistics for him and pointing out news reports of accidents etc..........
I'll keep on forever he should begin to see that soon.
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Old 04-09-2008, 10:54 PM
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I don't think it's a bad start. Statistics usually make teenagers go "omg, WHATEVER" and do their little eyeroll. Yeah, you probably know the one. I'm sure I gave it a few times, too.

One thing I plan to tell my daughter in times like this is, "you probably think you know everything. And you know what? You're a smart person. You're intelligent and bright and I give you every ounce of credit for that. But wisdom comes with age, and there's a difference between being smart and being wise. Wise is what you let your parents do when you're caught making a bad decision. I'm your parent and it's my job to keep you safe. When you were a baby, I was there if you fell. I didn't let you play with matches. I never let you run across the street without you holding my hand. You thought you knew better then too. But I had to tell you 'no' and you had to have trust and faith in me that I will only ever want your health and safety and happiness. And there is no way that I am going to send you into this big, scary world without understanding that. And I'm going to help you be a responsible person. You can kick and scream just like you did when you were two years old and I wouldn't let you play with the electrical outlet or go somewhere alone. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. And it's hard to do this because I know what this car means to you, but it's the right thing to do."

And if that doesn't make something of a dent, I may just get desperate and try the "listen to me. I carried you in my belly for 42 weeks and was in labor for 17 hours. Get OVER yourself. I'd rather have you angry at me for the next 15 years than in traction in the hospital or in a hole in the ground. Deal with it.
"

Just hang in there! I think you are awesome and someone that I already look up to for as little as I know about you. Kind of like that mom from a few months ago who told her son that if she found out he was drinking and driving that she'd sell his car. Then she found an empty beer in the car (which he claimed was his friend's.) So, she put an ad in the newspaper as "world's meanest mom, selling car..."

I think that kid will look back in about 6 years and laugh about it. I bet your son will too, and he'll be alive to do it.

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