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looking for advice ............about my son

Old 04-07-2008, 10:16 AM
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looking for advice ............about my son

I'm having some trouble with my son.................

hes 17 and was given a fast car by his dad and grandparents..........
he has only had his license 6 months because I made him wait for the learner..............so long story short the agreement was
ONE TICKET for speeding and the car is taken away

well a few days ago he got a ticket for what could have been a very serious charge...........street racing he was going 30 or more over the speed limit as was his friend that was driving another car..........( friend by the way didnt get any punishment other than he has to pay his own ticket and friend is out cruising all over like nothing happened)

I'm sticking to my word the car is parked until hes 18.

Hes not getting the gravity of the choice he made to speed and hes actually angry that not only is he losing his car but I wont let him drive mine or my husbands either...............NOT RIGHT NOW

for one thing you dont correct behavior by taking it then handing him something else to drive............

WELL hes furious with me...............I'm unfair I'm adding things to the punishment, hes talking back and acting disrespectful because hes not getting his way

Plus hes making excuses for his bad decision, its everyone elses fault
hes being wronged somehow speeding is something everyone does I'm just paranoid clah blah blah

I keep telling him UNTIL he changes his attitude and begins to accept responsibility for his choice AND he fully understands the gravity of what HES done then he will not drive at all

yet he continues with the attitude and excuses and disrespect
and keeps saying, I do understand I do accept responsibility., I KNOW I shouldnt speed I wont again but then he still says but its not a big deal everyone does ....and he continues the same stuff talking arguing acting out

Heres my question how can I explain or show him what accepting responsibility means...That just saying you do doesnt make it so..............and how can I help him understand the gravity of his choice??

any and all Suggestions and advice is welcome...................THANKS
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:20 AM
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Stick to your guns.

I don't have a teen son (mine's only two and a half), but I don't think I would be putting up with the attitude either. Talking back and being disrespectful can warrant its own punishment in my house.

I don't know that you can make anyone understand anything except that all actions have consequences.

I know with my little one, often it's more work for me to stick to a punishment than let him have his way. I don't expect it's any different with a teen. But I know it's for his own good and if that takes some extra work on my part, so be it.
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:21 AM
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Being that you're on this forum, do you suspect or know for sure that your son is drinking or drugging??
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:26 AM
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no..............my AH is an addict
Not sons dad
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:32 AM
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stick to your guns. If your son's attitude does not change, you can put even more consequences on his nasty behavior. This may continue until he's 18. Then you'll have to re-evaluate whether you have to live with his nastiness.

I assume the bio dad does not have custody. I'd do whatever i could to keep that car on my property with the keys in my possession and a steering wheel lock. If the bio dad and grandparents are not on the same page with you, stick to your guns anyway. Why in the world would somebody give a young male buck a fast car and then expect him not to drive fast in it??

Other than your actions, you cannot make someone see the gravity of the situation or accept responsibility. His responses sound immature for a 17-year-old (that's why I asked if he were using). Maybe he will think about it and come around in the next week or so. I suppose you could look around for ticketed drivers doing community work by giving talks about they had harmed someone (i don't know if that exists, i'm just thinking out loud here).
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:37 AM
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anvil YOU have such a way with words...............ever thought about trying your hand at writing.................self help books....novels............book for the teenage brats

Thanks
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:40 AM
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sojourner

thanks for your reply but adding to the punishment now .........well basically theres nothing MORE important to him than the car and driving........so basically he feels theres nothing else to lose

I have assurred him there is...like the cell phone the TV the computer and the video games, the privilage to work and go anywhere with his friends but right now..............without the car or the driving I guess hes in the I dont CARE mode so I have a feeling he's planning to keep pushing as Anvil said they push and push and I'll stand firm
until it gets worse and worse for him..............
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:55 AM
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You're 100% right in this matter and maybe you should call your state trooper office and see if there is a movie or some other form of educational matterial that is appropriate for the street racing, I'm sure they have something because it's a problem everywhere
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:02 AM
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thanks rasue, actually hes going to take the driving course to keep the points off his license but instead I'm going to require him to take the aggressive driving/ racing class the one thats usually court ordered.................but yeah hoping he'll see and hear it there and see that its not just me being a paranoid mom
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:36 AM
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Lies do you remember that story in another Florida county last year? 2 kids were street racing , one hit another car head on and killed the driver of the other vehicle. Turned out, it was his mother...

Im trying to find the articles on it. The news had shown it extensively for a few days
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:44 AM
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you set your boundries & he crossed. you had rather him be mad than dead or hurt someone. take the car,that is the right thing to do & don't let ANYONE stop you. prayers,
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Old 04-07-2008, 12:08 PM
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Until he feels the consequence of his actions, he isn't going to "get it." I think he tells you he understands as a way of attempting to play the game in hopes that you will relent. I know it stinks to have to endure the testing, but you really are doing the best possible thing you can do. Now he can see that you mean what you say. There really is nothing more to say to him; you can't make him get it. In time he will and this will be a great lesson for him...Don't push Mom's boundaries or you loose!

Good job, Lies. It seems so much easier to give in to keep the peace, but in the long run, thast sure isn't easier. Hugs
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Old 04-07-2008, 12:55 PM
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Here are my two, ( maybe five,)cents,
hindsights from my experiences.

my son was a pretty easy kid to raise until he became an adolescent. Before adolescence he would test the waters, but he responded to my boundaries, and discipline. And even if he didn't like it, he heard and seemed to accept my reasonings. So I guess I thought it was always going to be that kind of relationship with discipline
then... it all changed.
Once he hit High School, everything I said seemed to be met with arguing. and when he pushed the rules and was disciplined, he acted shocked and wounded. "I was wrong." " I didn't understand." " I was too hard on him."
So I spent TOO MUCH TIME trying to explain it all to him. I thought it was important that I explained it just right because then he would understand. I look back now and wonder why I kept trying to explain. ( my husband would just shake his head at me while I ignored his opinion and even resented his reaction to it)

I guess I thought my son would say, " my mom is right to take this away from me, I deserve this for going against the rules, I will take this punishment easily, learn and grow from it, and in the end appreciate it."

Hmmmm. I don't think any parent ever meets with this understanding.
I think I was actually surprised at his reaction and thought maybe if he is responding this way I might not have explained it right? I could be wrong? or too harsh? ( wow, even before addiction, he knew how to push my buttons for his own wants. and I was hooked on his approval)
sometimes I stuck to it, sometimes , I lowered the discipline, thinking I was too harsh, and sometimes I gave in, (behind his step-fathers back,).

No matter how I REACTED to his responses, I took it very personally and anguished over the decision. I was amazed and even disappointed in my husbands ability to separate the discipline. No emotions seemed to be involved nor did he care deeply if his children, my step-children were not happy with his decision. Sigh.
I wish I had the detachment I have now. I would have been smarter, more realistic, and MAYBE OR MAYBE NOT, my son would have done things differently. but I KNOW he would have been safer.
Don't know what you should do in your situation, but thought maybe you could learn from someone who has traveled the road of adolescence before you.
I saw a book later on that said:
1. You can restrict their movements at first but wait a day to decide on final punishment. then you are sure and so have confidence and have bought into it more when you state it. ( especially those of us who are Co-Dependant.)
2. Do not take their reactions to it personally.
3. Do not expect them to understand. They can't, and won't, that kind of realization takes maturity.
4. If you have given in even once before, there will be a "Pavlov Effect". they think "If I keep trying they will give in." So it takes a lot more strength and detachment on your part to hold tight.
I am not saying as a parent we can't change an emotional decision made quickly, (thats why its good to hold off a day while keeping them close by). But they need to know that you are the adult and the decision even if it changes IS YOURS.
good luck with this age.
It brought me such fun, joys, laughter, and pain. 8
"wish I knew knew now what i didn't know then..."
Cathy
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Old 04-07-2008, 02:14 PM
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As the parent No is a complete sentence.
You don't have to in the arguing with him as he tries to wear you down with talk, anger and guilt. You set a boundary about the speeding ticket, if you don't enforce your boundary that just leaves more room for discussion with ea. time he breaks rules or is disrespectful. He could have lost his life or hurt someone with that kind of wreckless driving. you might tell him in 3 mos. you will revisit the decision based on how responsible he is in the mean time.
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Old 04-07-2008, 02:33 PM
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He is better off with no car than dead from street racing. Very dangerous sport and one that can kill innocent people. Stick to your boundary. You could be saving his life or someone elses. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:44 PM
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so long story short the agreement was
ONE TICKET for speeding and the car is taken away


He accepted the terms, responsibility means accepting consequences and following through with what he said he would do. This is it. Stay strong, I think he will calm down and accept it. As others mentioned, you set the boundary, and he chose to cross it. Hugs.
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Old 04-09-2008, 10:18 AM
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thanks for all the replies.

Son attitude got worse but I stood strong havent given in.
After a tantrum this week he walked to work and the next morning I gave him the school bus schedule

Hes calming down and is being much better..............maybe acceptance is setting in

Thanks again
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Old 04-09-2008, 11:03 AM
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Good for you, Lies.

I find it difficult to be consistant and strong sometimes - but I have seen where this is usually the best answer with someone who appears to be trying to manipulate me, or pout into getting their own way.

Keep taking care of You!!

Rita
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Old 04-09-2008, 11:19 AM
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Lies,




I'm proud of your strength.
Mama hugs,
Linda
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Old 04-09-2008, 05:45 PM
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He knew the conditions. He knew the consequences. He chose to cross the line and now gets to realize cause and effect. You are a good mom and so few parents follow through on the consequences.

Stick to your guns. If the tantrums persist, let him spend a few nights sleeping in his car ( without the keys).I suspect, he will come around.
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