A lot of Nerve

Old 08-24-2007, 12:01 PM
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A lot of Nerve

I am shaking right now. I can't believe that my AD's exabf just called my house collect from jail. She is not home, so she did not get to answer the phone. When I heard his voice, I just began shaking. I refused the call and hung up. Part of me wanted to accept the call and tell him to stay the h___ out of her life. They went to jail at the same time. I'm assuming he is still there or maybe he had a hearing and was sentenced to more jail time. The police took her cell phone and she did call to check her messages. She told me he called and asked her to put money on his books and to come and visit. She has done neither of those things. She is really trying to stay clean and out of trouble. The only one she has been hanging out with has been me. She hasn't bothered with anyone. She doesn't do anything or go anywhere. When I go to my summer place for the week-ends....she goes with me.
I want this idiot to leave her alone. Should I tell her he called and see how she reacts? Should I accept his call if he tries again? Should I tell him to leave her alone? I can't believe the nerve of him.

I am so fired up. Just when I was getting my appetite stomach feels sick again.

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Old 08-24-2007, 12:06 PM
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Can you block his calls? Unless you can see any good reason why he would need to communicate with you?
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Old 08-24-2007, 12:12 PM
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I wouldn't take his calls...........

If it were me, I would stop all communciation between the two as much as possible and even check to see if there is a way to block all calls coming from the jail so that he can't get in touch with her. I honestly wouldn't tell her that he called because that will get her wondering if something was wrong and she will be more willing to contact him. I know that when my daughter called from jail, I had the choice of accepting or blocking future calls from this number...that may be something you need to look into.

Keep your daughter going on the straight and doesn't sound like she needs this guy in her life!!
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Old 08-24-2007, 12:19 PM
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Wiser post than mine are sure to follow. But-you know the answer yourself-don't you? I think I know what U would tell me-don't accept calls. Why bring up something to her that would make her have a heart twinge or brain fart? Abusers have their nerve wanting and even demanding things-just like a rotten child. Don't give in and they will sooner of later get the picture, later probably. Take care of yourself. Your daughter seems to be trying her best to take care of herself and get her life back in order.

Hugs to you and your daughter!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:35 PM
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Block his calls and what she doesn't know .. won't hurt her

Thats my opinion LOL
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:47 PM
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block the call. call the phone company, they can do call blocker for pay phones and unidentified #'s. I agree w/ above. She doesn't need to know and Sept 6 is too close for her to mess up and ruin all the good work.
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Old 08-24-2007, 02:20 PM
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Lois, I have to tell you that your post really triggered some bad memories for me and I want to share my experience with you. I did the same thing with Megan when she was trying to stay clean and away from the abf. Spent everyday with her and tried to prevent her from having contact with the abf. When Megan went back with the abf and started using again, it left me in a really dark place. I felt so used and betrayed and it took me a long time to get over it. I am not saying this will happen with your daughter but it is really hard to keep two people apart that have a drug history together. Your daughter has to be the one to say no to this man. She has to be the one to not want contact. I understand refusing to take a collect call from jail, but what will happen when he is out and tries to contact her. Does your daughter have a plan and a support system (other than you) in place for when this happens. I know that you want to keep her out of harm's way but that is only trying to control the uncontrollable. I will say a prayer that your daughter stays clean and does not have any more contact with the abf. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-24-2007, 02:32 PM
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After reading what Marle wrote, I have to agree. I still wouldn't accept the collect call, but would let her know he was calling. Who knows, maybe when she is there and if he should call she would tell him to get lost, like she told you she would. My question is, since she knows he was trying to contact her on the cell #, could she have gotten in touch w/ him and maybe that's why he called? Not meaning to hurt or place blame, just wondering after I thought for awhile.
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Old 08-24-2007, 02:55 PM
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Call the jail and tell them that there is a scum bag in thier facility that is calling your number attempting to make a collect cals to your phone and harrass you. Tell them you do not wish to have any contact with said a-hole. Maybe they can stop it or tell you how to stop it. Its your phone number, you pay for it, you have rights too. If that does not work restrict your number from collect calls by calling phone company and problem solved until he gets out. Besides in todays society who really uses collect calls anyway. I agree with what Marle said. Personally I would only tell her if she can handle it. If it is going to screw her head up, dont tell her. It is good to be honest but we all know people have triggers. AD may find out soon enough but only after he is out and makes contact. By then maybe she will be able to handle herself and tell him to pi$$ off.
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Old 08-24-2007, 03:07 PM
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Marle and Caileesnana,
Even though Jen and I have been spending a lot of time together lately I only take one day at a time. I have been through this before and I realize that nothing is for sure.
I am enjoying this time together because she will be leaving soon. Her hearing is on Sept. 6th and I'm not sure what is going to happen but things are going to change.
As far as the abf......I know I can't control that either. I think that is why I didn't talk to him. It is not my descision and I don't have to deal with it. I don't hold my expectations in a high place anymore. Things would have to be good for a long time before I can do that. I have been stung too many times. I know that dark feeling.
For today I am enjoying her being sober and doing some mother/daughter things together. Will it last.......who knows? I can only take one day at a time.
I keep going back and forth with this but part of me thinks I should tell her that he called because she has to be prepared for him if he does try to contact her when he gets out. Maybe if she doesn't want him in her life anymore she can put a plan in place. She will be ready if she needs to be.
Susan......Since he is in jail, I don't know how she would be able to contact him.
Marle.......You are right, I can't control the uncontrollable and I do realize that.
Oh boy, do I realize that. I have learned that all the hard ways. She will do what she will do no matter what I say.
Thank you for your warning, care and concern. I think we have all been through a lot of similiar situations and that is how we learn from each other.
We need all of the prayers we can get and I appreciate that. Thank you.

Mom hugs to you..............Lois
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Old 08-24-2007, 03:38 PM
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Your post reminds me... I tore up and threw away letters from jail from my daughter's "friend" (he was so icky - she had never once even brought him to the house, so I don't even refer to him as "boyfriend"). Anyway... I did it and thought "one day, I'll tell her".

So far... I haven't found the need to confess.

Some things I did were not recovery-like... but I would probably do them again anyway.

Blocking the calls is good. Telling her? Your call. ((hugs))
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Old 08-24-2007, 03:57 PM
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WELL I DID IT.......

Got on the number for Correctional Billing Service. Called and they put a block on my number. Can't receive anymore calls from any jail in the US unless I call back and take the block off. Hah.....let him try calling again. Maybe he'll get the message now.

Noah........I am hoping that if he does try to contact her in the future that she will have enough behind her that she will be able to tell him to ---- off. Only time will tell. Thank you for telling me to call the jail and have the number blocked.

Big Sis......Sometimes I think what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I know I can't control her situations but I also do not have to feed into them by telling her something that I think could hurt her. I'm thinking this one over......until I can come up with a good reason why she should know that he called I won't be telling her any time soon.
Thank you...........Lo
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Old 08-24-2007, 08:25 PM
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I personally would NOT accept any calls from him. It seems to me it would be like borrowing trouble. If she does not want to see him, or have anything to do with him it's up to her to tell him. But as far as me paying for the call, I would have done the same thing you did.
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Old 08-24-2007, 09:59 PM
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Sending big strong mom hugs your way.
I have to agree with Marle, BigSis, and Susan. Hands off the addict.
Truth be told, though...I've done the same thing. lol
It's not a bit funny, I know, but now that I look back and see the wasted energy I used in fighting a battle that wasn't mine to fight...well...

I'm just thinkin' about you and your own recovery. When I first got here and started my own recovery, I was still fighting my son's addiction for him. I was losing a battle that I just couldn't win. I was losing myself on top of losing him.

It's different now for both of us and I think my own recovery has a lot to do with that. He!! I know it does.

Do what you need to do, but please don't lose yourself in it. She is gonna do what she's gonna do. No matter how hard you try to keep her from it.

I learned that the hard way from my son.

I love ya and am here to support ya. That's it. 'Nuff said. lol
This post is all jumbled cause my daughter is instant messaging me and i'm trying to talk to her at the same time. She read on here that I'm going to Tennessee in October for vacation instead of going to Pennsylvania to see her.
Doesn't matter if your child is an addict or not, in my book. They'll try to make you feel guilty for having your own life anyway. lol
Sorry, Amanda930.

Sorry, Lobo. Gotta go. lol

Love and prayers to you,
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Old 08-24-2007, 10:22 PM
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Your phone, your choice as to whom you accept calls from - no problem with that.

That you can control but I do agree with Marle; if he is going to stay out of her life, SHE is the one who has to make that decision. As a mom, I have been guilty of trying to protect my AD from herself and those who would hurt her or influence her in the wrong direction. BUT... it is not our decision to make, unfortunately.

Tell her he called or not, yes, that is your decision; again, it's your phone;your home. It's wonderful that you two are spending so much time together and hopefully, when she is no longer with you but ventures on her own, it may help. But realize that it truly is SHE who has to make her way to her own destination with whomever she chooses. Pray she chooses wisely.

Hugs from another mom.
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Old 08-25-2007, 08:23 AM
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Good for you Lobo, blockem
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Old 08-25-2007, 08:16 PM
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Living in the light
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Way to go blocking all jail calls.
As others have said, the choice to be in contact with him is your daughter's.
I hope AD continues on a better path.

It's okay to honestly say you do not think it wise for her to interact with him and leave off there. A mother has a right to state an opinion once or twice. Any more than that gets into controlling imho.
Hope your appetite's back now you are protected from his calls. Who needs the upset?
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