drainedwife

i dont know why I am not raedy to throw in the towel.
why cant i just tell him I want a diivorce, that i have had enough.
Why can't I do that?

I am too afraid...thats why..and when am i going to stop being afraid?
Why am i more afraid of divorce and going through that than i am of staying with an addict?
I guess its because its not at the point where he is not functioning at his job, and that to scoiety it seems like he is just fine. Maybe because i dont actually see how bad it can get, I can justify staying????? Maybe because i feel if i am there for the kids, making sure they are taken care of , then its not so bad.
Maybe because im afraid of chaneg, afraid of making it or not making it on my own, afraid that i am going to have the same life my mom had,, only times are even much much harder now to be a single mom. Im not physically afraid that my ah will do something to me if we get divorced, im more afraid of what he may do emtionally and mentally. BUt stayin gin this relationship will emotionally destroy me also if he doesnt get help....I guess I still feel that he will somehow face this and do something about it. I also think I feel trapped...

What I am doing right now is posting my resume of monster and career builder, looking on craigs list , applying for jobs, sending my application in to see if am qualified for the alternate route to teaching program, trying to go to meetings, reading, reaching out for support from family and friends and on sober recovery.
And going to therapy.--also, trying to put a few dollars away here and there.
Even though my ah is a lawyer, we have so many bills and are so much in debt, that there is nothing left ot put away. I cant pay the bills right now on his salary.
He makes decent money, but it is not like we are or ever were rich or even comfortable... we have always had money problems. We dont have a huge house, it is average, and we have lived an average life. I just didnt want you all to think we were ever living this rich lifestyle..it has never been that way.

Thanks for listening, for your support, your advise, everything. It really helps.

Nitelite

(((((drained)))))
You know, we are working on our heart's own time, here. I have always been the sort of perosn who wanted to jump from point a to point z, and especially when I was divorcing my ex, the doc.

The doc was what they call a "dry drunk" -- no active using, but he had all the characteristics, and believe me, he could create a home with exactly the horor and chaos of
addiction without putting anything up his nose...

I had one kid who was learning disabled and had to be in a $$$$ private school, a toddler , no job, and the doc, who stated very calmly that he would take the toddler and see me living out of a car before he was through with me.

I still look back and shiver from all the fear of it all -- but I left my house with the spiral staircase and the pond and the custom kitchen and moved into a tiny apartment about two blocks from a slum. The first night, I cried all night, looking up at the ceiling with its flaking paint. My younger son's room had a wall that a good friend and I hand painted with sunshine, stars and teddy bears. It felt a long, long way away.

It got a lot worse. I struggled to get a car and then struggled even more to keep it running. My ex kept me in court for months. I can;t even keep track of threatening phone calls--maybe 20 a day. The parents of my older son's friends openly pitied me.

But the private school worked with me for one more year. A judge eventually forced regular child support ( and yes, eventually, not right away, but eventually, doctors and the judges saw thru his carefully constructed facade)

The little apartment had a cozy fireplace. My kids had health insurance. Because the doc was no longer screwing with money, I may have been living on a little, but I didn't have those nasty surprises like oenign a bill and finding out he hadn't paid something or so and so, and now a collector was calling...so it was better. And the ability to lay my head on a pillow at night without a shouting match that my kids would hear? priceless.

I eventually got an excellent job. Doc went thru a period of sanity. Kid#2 ended up in a private school for grades 1-5, and kid#1 graduated from a public high school with no ill effects(!!!)
None of this happened right away. But I can tell you honestly, that if I had had SR and al-anon, it would have happened a whole lot quicker ~~

What I started to say, before I digressed, is that wherever you are right now, you are right on time. Sometimes there are leaps, and sometimes little steps. And we are all holding hands here, so the chances of falling are much less...

~nitelite

splendra

I think that you see you are stuck is a step in the right direction. Here is a acronym:

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

pjbs55

Drained,
Your feelings are normal, for someone thinking of divorcing. Even if it wasn't an addict you wonder how am I going to pay for this or that. How am I going to support my kids etc. You will do what you need to do when you are ready, and it seems like you are working on it now. You are doing things to help you in the future, posting resume looking for another job, looking into teaching. They are big steps even if you don't think they are yet. You are moving forward, yes you are still with him, but you will know when YOU have had enough.
Know that we are here for you,
Hugs coming to you

Truffles

Sometimes I would think I would have been better off money wise if I wasn't with my AH at the time. It would make me sick when I would go on the banking and see that he took out hundreds of dollars - plus the cash advances on his credit card.

That is a great start looking for a new job, are there any apartments in your area or 2 family houses. Also if you sell your house and your rental property, if you made a profit you would split that money, at least that would be there for you to fall back on.

ncdeac

It seems to me that right now things aren't bad enough for you to want to make a change. You still have hope and you are still desperate to believe your AH wants to/will change. When you come out of the denial things will get clearer.

There will come a time when staying in the relationship will scare you more than leaving it, that is when you will make the move. Just like the addict who has to want find recovery for himself more than anything in the world, you have to want to make a change more than anything else in the world...clearly you aren't there yet.

When you have had enough, truly had enough you will get out of the mud and make a move. Until then try and put away as much cash as you can and look hard for that better paying job.

hello-kitty

drained.

I started being honest to people in my real life about what was going on in my life.

I got a job so I would have money - I started at the bottom and worked up. You gotta start somewhere.

I got help from the state. I considered moving back in with my family but ended up getting my own place. It is small but it is mine and I am proud that I did that for my child.

I stopped focusing on my partners problems and started focusing on mine.

I got help for myself.

raerae6

I used to hide what was going on with my exabf. Looking back I wish i would have been honest about it. If i would have told people then they would have encouraged me to leave and i would have gotten out of the situation sooner...

Wascally Wabbit

Truffles, that happened to me. I got my own bank account and took my name off "ours" so we could have seperate bank accounts. I didnt' want any of my checks bouncing.

dollydo

Dw,

That's it, post those resumes, keep stashing some money.

According to you, you are already in debt, due to his addiction, this will only get worse, not better. Soon, there will be nothing left, it will happen.

In one of your other posts, B/4 you let him back in you said you made 15.00 per hour, do you know how many women on this board, and in the USA raise their children on this amount of money....many.....and their children are happy and comfortable.

Stop the bleeding, make a plan and follow through...a house is four walls, a home is a place that is a comfort zone, one fueled by peace and love.

Your children are the victims, not you, you have choices, they don't. Make the right choice for them. It is your responsibility.

drainedwife

It is my fears and my lack of confidence that i can do it alone that is stopping me.
Also, where i live $15/hr. does not pay for much. That being said, I am trying to get a better paying job. I am trying to get stronger...my therapist is helping alot. Things that I didnt realize were "bullying" she is pointing out to me. She is getting me to realize that I have to stop being in denial --that he is not ready to change...that my ah is what he is--and do i want to be with someone like that??? Never even mind the drugs, but someone who bullies me and manipulates me???
No, I dont...so I just have to find the strength, do alot of praying to my HP, concentrate on myself and my kids---and hopefully one day I will be in that place where I can just leave the marriage and never look back.

Elana

no one deserves to be bullied and beaten mentally or physically.

I never allowed this until I met my husband and by 19 years of that I had enough. Slow learner.
Then, just as I started to feel good again.. about a year and a half after being on my own, I met Steve and went right back.
Really Really slow learner.

And these two men controlled, belittled and treated me like a second class citizen most of the time. I hung on to the few times they did not.. and learned to ignore the rest. Geeze loueeze. Did I say I was a SLOW LEARNER?????

Now I have been on my own for 10 months. I am working my recovery. I am not afraid and I am back sticking up for ME. Fact is, a co worker did something not nice the other day and I gave it right back to him.. handed it to him on a silver platter with the trimmings. HE now treats me with RESPECT.

I am back. It took me 27 years to get back to where I was when I was 24!!!!!

Some of that journey has been filled with terror.. most of it emotional and most of it self inflicted. A lot of that journey has been spent second guessing myself and not respecting myself.. and allowing others not to respect me as well.

I am happy to say, those days are now done. I am me. I am a good person. I like who I am and that is more important than worry ing what someone else likes, or does not like, about me.

I do truly and honestly know your fear and your pain..
I can tell you taht staying it will only get worse and God Help your kids because believe me.. they are the ones learning that it is OK to be bullied and it is OK to not stand up for your own self.. because they see it happening.

I know you are scared.. and I am willing to bet so are your kids (even if they never admit it).

hello-kitty

I guess when your fear of being with him, is greater than your fear of being alone you will get help. In the meantime, is there anything you can do for your children so they don't grow up feeling the same fear and lack of confidence that you feel? Have you asked them how they feel about what is happening with Daddy? Are they scared? Do they wonder what is going on? Addiction is like an elephant in the living room with a blanket over its head - don't think that they don't notice it...

Can you get them some counseling and charge it to daddys health insurance coverage? I hate to see them grow up and have problems because of what they are witnessing right now. I understand you are too scared to help yourself right now, but maybe you can stop the cycle of abuse before it affects the next generation.

dollydo

DW,

I do understand that where you are currently living, $15.00 an hour is not enough. However, there are less expensive places to live, check them out.

What exactly do you know about your finances? How much equity do you have in your house? Are you on the mortgage or is it him alone? What investments do you have? Does he have an IRA account and how much is in it?

You appear to think in generalities, time to put a pencil to your finances, list your assets, and your liabilities. See where you stand.

Then compute how much you can afford if you make 25.00 an hour, add in the support he will have to pay, and rehabiltation alimony,sale of the house ect, get a handle on your finances. No more sticking your head in the sand.

As for your children, they will mirror you, your behavior, do you really want them to be weak and afraid? I doubt that, but, you are setting the stage for their future behavior, to me, you owe them more than that.

duet_4-8

Dw, you may have much more to live on than you realize. Excellent point, dolly!

lostparent

Drained..I'm glad you see that you need to get out that's a start. Will say a prayer that you find the courage to leave soon.

atalose

Drained,

You are getting some good advice but the best advice you received was from your own husband “work on your “obsession” with what he is doing.

Strength will come your way when you fully achieve acceptance.

Keep going to meetings and therapy, and look into codependency. There is a great book called “Codependent No More”.

You ask?? Is the only way I am going to have a sane and possibly happy life to dispose of the problem and move on??

Your life today is the reality of a life with an active addict. Addiction is progressive so what becomes normal for you by accepting this active life today could all change when the wind blows tomorrow. A little residue on a bathroom counter to powder in
an old med bottle what comes next? You never know and that’s the problem. You live under the cloud of uncertainty all the time, are you prepared for this? Are you willing to learn to live with stress and anxiety and the ever lasting effects this will have on your children?

I don’t like to use the word dispose when referring to a person but yes walking away from someone who is bringing you hurt and pain IS a healthy response. One that is filled with fear and uncertainty of course that is normal but to allow it to paralyze you like this should be something you need to quickly begin discussing in therapy.

Learn to emotionally detach from your husbands addiction and place all that focus and energy into yourself.