your stories

Old 08-07-2007, 09:47 AM
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Location: jacksonville, florida
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your stories

what have You done in a situation similar to mine:

1. No family members around to help you.
2. No means of support--low paying job.
3. Spouse is in active addiction and is in deep denial.
4. Scared to death of change, scared of ah, scared to be alone, etc
5. in a bad mental state, not coping well.

some of my options:

1. put $$ away, as much as i can.
2. find a better paying job, or get schooling.
3. go to meetings, read self-help books, go to therapy.

other options?? other ideas???
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Old 08-07-2007, 09:57 AM
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Starry Girl
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stop procrastinating.

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Old 08-07-2007, 10:01 AM
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let it grow!
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can you move closer to family, or are they not able to help you either way?

i leaned a lot on my family when i left...

blessings, k
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:02 AM
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Look online for transcription or data entry jobs that can be done at home in addition to the job you already have for extra money. There is a website specifically created for moms and dads...... they are supposed to be one of the few scam free websites...
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:05 AM
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Get yourself to a local social services office. You may be able to get help and support there. Check and see if there are any woman's shelters in your area. There are a lot of programs around to help moms get on their feet. It might not be easy, but it's possible.
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:10 AM
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If you file for divorce he will be required to pay support for the children.

I was with an alcoholic husband for almost 20 years. yes. Twenty dang years of my precious life.. and I worried about money and about caring for the animals cuz God knows he would not have milked the cows if I left.

Two years after being married, I tried to leave.. went to my family and THEY BROUGHT ME BACK saying it was a lovers spat. yeah right. He drank. I spat.

It took me another 17 years to leave. Man was I a jerk or what? I did love the farm but the one pperson I was not loving was ME.

Well, I went out and I got a job off the farm. It was not a great job but it allowed me to move out and pay my rent. I wasn't rich but I was at peace. I struggled. I worked extra jobs. I lived my life. He went further into alcoholism and his loving dear sister had him committed to a menatl hospital.. where he died 8 months later of a heart attack.. and she got her hands on nearly a half a million dollars in assets. I got just over $100k TOTAL after taxes. Yup. Milked cows 20 years and that was my reward.

but, I was FREE.

I left that job and got another low paying job. Worked three jobs and went to school. I worked all the time. Met Steve the addict. did not know he was an addict. Did not know about co dependency. I did not know anything.

I got a better job. Steve and I moved in together. He left after a year and after I got a promotion.

It has taken me 7 years to get to where I am today. It was hard work. I had responsibilities and I lived up to them. I have a great credit rating. I pay my bills. I am doing OK. Could do better and I am working on that.

I went thru times of little heat.. not turning on lights.. no computers.. no TV.. nothing extra that cost money. I had a garden patch to help feed myself.

I stood at the bottom of a huge wall when i left my husband and we were divorced. Little by little I have been climbing that wall. It isn't fun, but no one can take away from me what I have done.. and you know what? I HAVE DONE IT. No one else did it. I am here to day because of what I have done!
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:26 AM
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If you decide to go the school route, you probably qualify for all kinds of financial aid if your job is low paying. And more and more schools have apartment-style housing for students with families, of which you could roll the cost into your financial aid package, or you could probably find something near the school of your choice and get housing assitance. Don't know how it works, but I know it's out there. Also, don't be afraid to apply for other types of assitance if you need it... food stamps, etc... esp if you have low income and children to feed, you should be able to get a decent amount of help.

Do you have a friend that you and your children could go to on a temporary basis? What about, as others have said, the idea of moving towards your family? If they are too far away to help now, then maybe they are far enough away to keep ah from you? Especially if your job is pretty low-paying... do you think you could find another job near your family? I guess IMHO the ideal would be if you could go to school near your family... get the best of both worlds?

As far as meetings go... I would still find meetings to go to, as often as possible...

I generally love the idea of saving money, BUT if you are that afraid of your ah, even just afraid of him if you leave, what happens if you do something else to "set him off" in the meantime, while trying to save up the money? God forbid you never get a chance to use it... Just from your tone in these posts, I really feel a sense of urgency to leave.

We're all a little afraid of change... but it sounds like things are about to change either way, for the better or to get worse... if it were me, I'd want to make sure I was trying to make it go in my favor.

I'm praying for you today

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:32 AM
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Surrender...surrender to being powerless over addiction and turn it over to your higher power. Really, really live those first 3 steps.

When you can do that, trust that HP will guide you to where you need to be, things that you never considered open up. You are still trying to control this...still trying to project, to figure out the solution. I have found that my higher power's plans are much different than any I would ever have anticipated. He finds solutions I never would have dreamed of. Do i still have crummy things happen sometimes? For sure, but that is has ups and downs. But when i truly say not my will but yours, please guide me that way...Guess what...the world suddenly is filled with opportunities. All I need is the strength to do what I have to do, the courage to continue to believe in myself, the trust in my higher power and lots of feelings that positive things can happen and that the world is generally filled with love, not bad things.

I'm not an organized religion type person, but program has made me an extremely spiritual person and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Miracles happen every single day of my life...they will happen to you too. Hugs, I am truly sorry you are in such pain, but you have the power to decide you are not a victim, you are a survivor!
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:44 AM
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I understand what you are trying to do with the post. You need a plan. Even robbers have a plan and an escape car. You need your own escape car---how do I get out of this and where will I go when I do and what will I do? Having a plan is the only security you feel you can have in your situation. I completely understand.

1.I have no family in TN except a sister that followed me here but she is very very focused on herself and provides almost no help or support. I have no real friends. It is hard. I find support emotionally in 3 places: SR, alanon and my therapist. But I also find it in the mirror sometimes, within and by looking at my kids faces. Occassionally even a good protagonist in a book is someone I can lean on...I know what she would do. Lately, I have even been getting back into touch with angry girl bands I liked when my hair was green and I was young! ANYTHING that makes you feel strong is a form of support.

2.Money is a very hard one. I am at my RAH and his mother's mercy. The day they stop helping me, the day I have almost zero dollars. I have a plan for that...I will get an office job and quit college. If in the middle of semester, I will get a student loan and live off of it. There are programs for single moms going to colllege. I am also looking into that. If it came down to it, I would pluck feathers off of chickens or ANYTHING if I had to. Rely on your will to survive. There is no easy financial answer. But I would sign up for any services you qualify for. I will when I qualify. Those services are in place to help people when they need it. Do not feel bad for using them. Hold up your head.

3. There is NOTHING you can do about his addiction. NOTHING. NOTHING. If anything, the fact that he is actively using makes it impossible for him to get custody. If I had it to over again, I would have called the police and reported him for possession the minute he drove off. Let them pull him over and search his car. Let him get arrested. You could file for custody and KNOW he won't get them. As it is now, mine is in recovery and it makes it scarier. The active addiction isn't a variable in what you do really because you can't change it.

4. I was also scared of change and being completely alone...he was my only friend. But you will be fine. Faith.

5. Alanon and therapist. You should consider anti-depressants if you are that depressed. I eventually did. Getting out of bed became important to do!

I don't know if any of this helps you. Again, I have kicked mine out when he was actively using and now he is about 90 days clean...but he has not really changed except he isn't high. I still struggle. I have let him stay here on weekends sometimes. Those are mistakes but I am trying. The best advice I have ever gotten has come from these boards. Listen to the wise ones who have their **** together. Trust yourself. Don't be afraid. You have survived living with an addict. Surviving without one has to be easier.

You are in my thoughts...truly.
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Old 08-07-2007, 10:45 AM
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For me information is power. Getting advice is good only if it is listened to. Use the net to look up help/support, find a lawyer, seek advice. Go here and look around.

Or click this google search link and starting from the top read all you can. Make notes and find people to network with who can help you.
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Old 08-07-2007, 11:29 AM
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On a tear
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A little acceptance of "what is"... I had to that in order to remove myself from an abusive marriage. I had to get over my overwhelming sense of "failure". I had to learn that it might be better to raise kids alone, than in an abusive home.

I wasn't rich but I was at peace.
Elana's post is very good.

I wish you well, DW.
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Old 08-07-2007, 11:51 AM
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not much advise just know that I KNOW how you feel. I am really wanting a divorce at this point I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship anymore. He just won't leave, not sure how to get him to do that. I have no where to go that I believe is acceptable for me and my son. Its hard when you have to strip down to having nothing again and build that all back up yourself. I think the more and more I hate him the easier it is for me to visualize me starting over. Fresh start ... back to the bottom and work your way up. Be strong and follow your GUT. What is this great lifestyle and nice home and $$ if you are miserable and mentally unstable because you have been putting up with his addiction. ((HUGGS))
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Old 08-07-2007, 12:19 PM
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Hi Drained, I know you said that you visited a domestic violence organization in your area before.
Go there, they can help you with a plan. They can also direct you to other resources.

Here is a link to one in your area...

Hugs, Lisa
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Old 08-07-2007, 12:29 PM
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the girl can't help it
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my advise is be gentle with yourself life with an addict is enough of a beating for anyone...
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Old 08-07-2007, 12:30 PM
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A work in progress....
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Hi dw,
I know how you are feeling. I have been where you are, right down to taking him back when I knew in my gut that I was making a mistake; and feeling like the world's biggest idiot very soon thereafter. For me, it was fear of the unknown and not wanting to be alone that drove me to take him back, not any real belief that he had changed.

First of all, you can't really make a plan unless you are sure where it is you want to go. If YOU have reached your own bottom, and it sounds to me like maybe you have, then YOU have to decide within yourself just exactly where you want to be this time next year. Do you want to be in this marriage, still spinning your wheels and allowing insanity to control you, or do you want to be free???? Here is my story of my 'bottom':

You have listed several good things to do, now you just have to start doing them and stop thinking about doing them. Take little steps forward and you will begin to get stronger.

The very first thing I did after I really made up my mind to get out-and I mean REALLY made up my mind-was to get my hands on several thousand dollars and put it in a safety deposit box that he knew nothing about. That would be the first thing I would advise you to do-if you can do it safely. If not, then just start scimming cash off wherever you can and hiding it. But START!!

It really can get better, I promise. I have to go to class; will check in with you later on tonight.
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Old 08-07-2007, 03:08 PM
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1. I raised 2 rowdy boys all alone. Not one single family member ever helped with anything at all, not one penny and not one face showed itself in my life.

2. When I got divorced, since I was a low income person, I got in to college and went for free thanks to Financial Aid. I learned to be quite resourseful. Food banks, clothing closets and the like kept us afloat while I went to school.

3. The change was enormous, but, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Got a much better paying job once out of college, moved to another state.

4. I spent a lot of time on the phone talking with other ACOA's. Before I moved out of state, I attended ACOA meetings. This helped me cope with the fear and was extremely helpful. If the mental state is more than you can bear, you should go to the doctor. He will be able to help you with this.
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:42 AM
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grateful rca
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sorry i'm late, i want to let you know that i'm still praying for you. i think that the others have covered a lot of grounds and have offers some good suggestions.
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:58 AM
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the girl can't help it
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My h and I are still going thru some motions...we act like I still believe his is such a farce..
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Old 08-08-2007, 08:58 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
what have You done in a situation similar to mine:

1. No family members around to help you.
2. No means of support--low paying job.
3. Spouse is in active addiction and is in deep denial.
4. Scared to death of change, scared of ah, scared to be alone, etc
5. in a bad mental state, not coping well.

some of my options:

1. put $$ away, as much as i can.
2. find a better paying job, or get schooling.
3. go to meetings, read self-help books, go to therapy.

other options?? other ideas???
The only way I got away from my addict mom was to join the military and move to another country. Not sure if that's an option in your situation, lol.

Good luck, whatever you choose.
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Old 08-08-2007, 09:00 AM
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1. Learn to rely upon yourself - you're stronger than you think you are.
2. Budget carefully, cut out unnecessary expenses, talk to boss about raise/promotion and/or start looking for better paying job
3. Start taking care of yourself, and let him worry about him - you don't own his stuff
4. Face your fears
5. Find face to face support such as nar-anon or al-anon meetings.
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