drainedwife

in a way it is my problem because if he doesnt have a job, i have no support for me and my kids...i make nothing at my job...

Either he is manipulating me--or he really is nuts and doesnt care about the consequences.

But it is all killing me because i know all of this is not good for my kids either---i hate what they havea to go through...its just not fair....

Lovestoomuch

OR Both..........

It is a horrible situation you are having to go through and it isn't fair to you or your children. Unfortunately it is what it is and the best thing you can do right now is hold it together as much as you can for your children.

Cinderella works for attorneys so she knows what she's talking about. Right now I imagine you're overwhelmed with it all and wish you could wake up from the nightmare. One of the best pieces of advice given to me was "Fake it till you make it." Don't let him know what he says to you fazes you any. Eventually when he sees he can't manipulate you..........he'll give up trying and maybe then he can face the truth. My prayers are still with you.

duet_4-8

I know how hard this thing is, and I know that you have a lot of conflicting emotions. One minute you seem determined and you seem to know what the right thing to do is. Then the next minute, after you listen to or read something he says, you start second-guessing yourself. That is precisely what he wants.

What makes all of this so hard is that you still love him and you still are holding on to the hope that he will change, and there is nothing wrong with that. Hold on to that hope, but stop taking on his responsibility. Let him fall as far as he needs to fall so he will really understand and reach out for help-and not help from you. Help from his HP and from addiction/abuse professionals.

I am getting blunt here, so if I offend I apologize. But....I have been where you are. So here goes....

I stayed in an abusive marriage for 25 years thinking I was doing the best thing for my kids. I have two adult sons now that are living with the scars of that marriage and the abuse that was directed at them as well. I never realized the hurt they were going through until I finally had enough and left their father; then they both told me how they really felt all those years, how frightened and angry and hurt they really were inside. They learned to put on an act just like I did. I was too wrapped up in my own junk and thought that by attempting to fix their father I was protecting them. Very foolish indeed. Not only foolish but incredibly selfish on my part to think that I had the right to continue to expose them to my sick, twisted relationship with an abusive drug addict just because I had the ridiculous idea that I could do something to 'save' him.

I still have a ten year old son at home, and I don't care how much my ex whines and complains and blames me for 'taking away his son'. I WILL NOT put another child through what my first two went through. Believe me, my ex has done and said pretty much everything that I have read that your AH has done and said. I have fought the same battles within myself that you are fighting now, and it has been difficult. In the first two months following our seperation, he did and said things that were beyond what I even expected, and I thought I had seen and heard it all.

The best way to protect those kids is to keep your boundaries and stop listening to everything this man says. Stop allowing him to continue to harrass you. Stop reading the stupid emails; stop listening to the blasted voicemails. SAVE everything for your attorney, but read or listen to none of it. It will only muddy your thinking and keep your head spinning and your emotions out of control. Again, if you think he doesn't realize that he is doing this, I fear you are very wrong. He knows exactly what this is doing to you. He thinks he can break your resolve and get you to let him come home.

He does not care about what this is doing to those kids, at least not in the way you wish that he cared. He wants to come home and go back to life the way it was, and he has no problem using those kids to try to get his way. My ex did the same thing for years because it was such an effective weapon. It worked so well because he knew I would walk through fire to protect my children.

Again, I know this was pretty blunt. I really do understand and I really do know how hard this is. I really have been exactly where you are.

I did it all wrong over and over; I wish I had known years ago what I know now about abuse and addiction and codependency.

In being brutally honest about my experience, I do not mean to pile more hurt on top of what you are already feeling.

I am praying for you and your family!

ebv

Prayers to you and your children, that's alot of work to go threw because of a stubborn man. good luck and keep us all posted.

atalose

Hang in there drained,

I would bet my house that he is manipulating you and will sign those papers but at the very last minute. It also sounds like he is a Spin Doctor in bringing up the issue with his secretary and taking the focus off his drug use. Besides his ego isn't going to allow him to go into a trial about himself and his drug use and risk his own job, he knows its a trial he can't win and so does his attorney. He's bluffing his way to the very last minute and don't you fall for it. Stay strong and only listen to one attorney now, your attorney.

dollydo

He is an attorney, that's what they do, threaten, manipulate, negotiate and bluff, all the way to and in the courthouse. That's their job. They use the law as their shield, and interpet it to their benefit, so they can win the case for their client. Although he has an attorney, in this case, he really is his own client.

I agree, listen to your attorney, let him defend your case.

He is not going to jeopardize his job by going to court, his ego won't allow it.

This is a game of wills, he is trying to break you.

You are doing so good, I am proud of you...keep moving forward, for your children, they are just a bargaining tool to him, if he really cared about them he would do the right thing, for them.

Duet said it best, "He knows exactly what he is doing", I couldn't agree more.

drainedwife

yes, if he cared about me he would give me some space..if he cared about his kids he would stop trying to use them with his manipulation tactics....

did the drugs do all this to his brain, or is it more than that?? do addicts have consciences???

dollydo

In many cases drugs/alcohol enhance issues that are already there. To some degree, addiction is about self control, or I should say, lack of self control.

When my ex-abf drank, he was to me a different person, he was abusive, nasty and just plain mean. When he was sober, he was fairly normal, I think when he drank, the real person came out, and he focused all his bitterness on me, a sitting duck.

As for how he was when he used, I do not know, he would just disappear for 3 days and when he came home, he was too worn out to do anything but crash. I never saw him high, he never used in the house, thank god I was spared that misery.

I think drugs do alter the brain, but to what extent I do not know. Many say substance usage is a symptom of other deep rooted issues.

Concious? My ex had none, he just didn't care about anyone or anything but him and scoring his next hit or drink.

alcohol_sucks

Drained, I am finally divorced from a crackhead ex that made me crazy (and is still trying). I know that the only person stopping him from seeing our daughters is himself. He needs to pass a court-ordered hair follicle drug test, which he claims he is just "too stubborn" to pass.

I have stuck to my guns for almost six months now. There is no way I will supervise visitation in my home, and there is no way he is taking them out in a car!

It is hard, and you will question your decision a million times. But listen to your heart no matter what anyone else tells you, because God will protect you and your children, and give you the answers you need when you need them. Just trust and believe...you will make the right choice, I am sure.

Right now I am working up the courage to explain to our daughters exactly why Daddy is not able to see them. There is so much baggage he has created, and I want the girls to hear it from me before they hear it from a friend. He is not showing any signs of getting better, unfortunately, and the girls need to understand that Dad is not the same.

I still can't believe that this is what is has come to, but my daughters and their safety is my main priority.

Keep on posting and reading here. It keeps me focused when I feel weak. You can make it!