duet_4-8

I know how hard this thing is, and I know that you have a lot of conflicting emotions. One minute you seem determined and you seem to know what the right thing to do is. Then the next minute, after you listen to or read something he says, you start second-guessing yourself. That is precisely what he wants.

What makes all of this so hard is that you still love him and you still are holding on to the hope that he will change, and there is nothing wrong with that. Hold on to that hope, but stop taking on his responsibility. Let him fall as far as he needs to fall so he will really understand and reach out for help-and not help from you. Help from his HP and from addiction/abuse professionals.

I am getting blunt here, so if I offend I apologize. But....I have been where you are. So here goes....

I stayed in an abusive marriage for 25 years thinking I was doing the best thing for my kids. I have two adult sons now that are living with the scars of that marriage and the abuse that was directed at them as well. I never realized the hurt they were going through until I finally had enough and left their father; then they both told me how they really felt all those years, how frightened and angry and hurt they really were inside. They learned to put on an act just like I did. I was too wrapped up in my own junk and thought that by attempting to fix their father I was protecting them. Very foolish indeed. Not only foolish but incredibly selfish on my part to think that I had the right to continue to expose them to my sick, twisted relationship with an abusive drug addict just because I had the ridiculous idea that I could do something to 'save' him.

I still have a ten year old son at home, and I don't care how much my ex whines and complains and blames me for 'taking away his son'. I WILL NOT put another child through what my first two went through. Believe me, my ex has done and said pretty much everything that I have read that your AH has done and said. I have fought the same battles within myself that you are fighting now, and it has been difficult. In the first two months following our seperation, he did and said things that were beyond what I even expected, and I thought I had seen and heard it all.

The best way to protect those kids is to keep your boundaries and stop listening to everything this man says. Stop allowing him to continue to harrass you. Stop reading the stupid emails; stop listening to the blasted voicemails. SAVE everything for your attorney, but read or listen to none of it. It will only muddy your thinking and keep your head spinning and your emotions out of control. Again, if you think he doesn't realize that he is doing this, I fear you are very wrong. He knows exactly what this is doing to you. He thinks he can break your resolve and get you to let him come home.

He does not care about what this is doing to those kids, at least not in the way you wish that he cared. He wants to come home and go back to life the way it was, and he has no problem using those kids to try to get his way. My ex did the same thing for years because it was such an effective weapon. It worked so well because he knew I would walk through fire to protect my children.

Again, I know this was pretty blunt. I really do understand and I really do know how hard this is. I really have been exactly where you are.

I did it all wrong over and over; I wish I had known years ago what I know now about abuse and addiction and codependency.

In being brutally honest about my experience, I do not mean to pile more hurt on top of what you are already feeling.

I am praying for you and your family!