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about ME!!!

Old 04-20-2007, 09:22 PM
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about ME!!!

I have decided that I am not going to tell all these dreary tales of what the abf did and how he did it. Basically, the addicts in our lives all act the same -- they disappoint us, they betray us, they break our hearts, and we love them and love them and become ensnared in our enabler/codependant roles and allow ourselves to be manipulated by them, and our hope just springs eternal, eternal, eternal, to our own detriment.

lets just say that he is still drinking, still using (right now???) and still breaking my heart, and until something in the equation changes there is no reason to go on about that.

In the meantime -- ME.

I have been prescribed Cymbalta. Anyone take it? the first day I was on it I was really zonko, I hate being altered in any way so it was rather disconcerting. I am always terrified when that kind of thing happens to me and I worry that whatever medicine I have been administered is going to cause some bad thing to happen to me.

But, aside from that first day, other than occasional headaches and some dry mouth, I seem to be okay.

I have such high hopes that this will help me get over my depression and that I will be able to get myself back together soon.

I need to move July 1, and I need to find a new job, and those are large things to tackle and, with the way I feel now, I can't imagine being able to do it.

A job in my profession has been posted at a place right nearby and I have not even been able to get myself organized to apply for it. I have been saying for months that I want to get a cover letter and resume packet together so I would have something ready to send out if something came up and instead I let myself obsess over the abf's probs, or the personal problems I now have (financial especially) because of him (admittedly, I am an adult, I did make those bad choices, I have to take some responsibility for my own actions).

And I feel guilty for not being responsible about my finances and not getting serious about job hunting and tired of keeping so many secrets regarding those things from my family, who would be really shocked and hurt by the whole thing since they are helping me out...

and I have wasted hours of my therapy time going over the abf's probs instead of my own.

I think that I have made progress with my recovery but of late things have slid downhill, but at the same time I am more aware of what it will take on my part to make it there. Perhaps I have not hit bottom yet myself, and just as the addict I need to before I pick myself up and recover from my addiction--the abf. What will be my bottom? How in debt do I have to let myself become? how far will I stray from my priorities? (guilty about that too.)

I think I also need to not beat myself up about what I have done in this relationship...it was done out of love, out of showing faith and trust all with the intention of helping. Yeah, it may be misguided, but it was done for the right reasons.

But now, I have to work to pick up the pieces of my broken down self and life and really get my act together, even if it is in little steps.

My goal this weekend is to get that application organized so I can drop it off on Monday.

go ahead every body --- give me a good swift kick to get me going!

thanks!
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Old 04-20-2007, 09:49 PM
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No swift kicks, sweetie. I think recognizing that it is time to focus on you and knowing the obstacles you have to cvercome...just being honest with yourself and not in denial is HUGE progress. You are still moving forward in recovery from what I see. No kicks, just big hugs...I'm so sorry for the pain you have been going through.

I have never taken the med you mention, but have been treated with other med before for depression. In my expereince, it depends on the person and the particular med how quickly you respond. Some people find relief in just a week or so, but for others it may take 6-8 weeks. Sometimes the doctor has to try something different...just like with an infection requiring an antibiotic. The other thing I expereinced was quick relief but then I crashed several weeks later and the dosage had to be adjusted.

I'm glad you are setting realistic goals. It is the nature of depression to loose motivation and the ability to accomplish even small tasks, so please don't beat yourself up about not getting done all you want. What a crazy illness...it zaps us of the ability to function and then we get more depressed because we can't function.

Little steps are wonderful...it's the way to go, IMO. I think sometimes it is hard for us to see our own recovery in action. I used to look at earlier posts to help me see that I have come a long way.

Lots of hugs and prayers.
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Old 04-20-2007, 10:00 PM
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Taking a look at your situation alone is a big step in itself. You should feel a little better knowing you have all of that off your chest so far.
look at it this way, you have been to the Doctor, and faced your depression. You have looked at your debts and realized you want to do something about them, and you have made a goal about getting a job.
Those are some great steps hun!

If it helps, write down your goals for the day before you go to sleep. Even if it's one thing for that day, write it down, and do it. Sometimes acomplishing small things little by little make all the difference.

Things DO get better. You ARE in recovery oneeyeopen, and I'm here for hugs, not kicks. lol
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Old 04-20-2007, 11:01 PM
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The past is unchangeable... no need to rehash it.

This (below) sounds like an excellent plan... perhaps work on it two hours tomorrow, and if it isn't done... you can do another 2 hours on Monday.

My goal this weekend is to get that application organized so I can drop it off on Monday.
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Old 04-21-2007, 05:04 AM
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Cymbalata?
That is a new anti-dep I've never heard of yet. Is it new?
What I am finding the most difficult thing to do is entangle myself from his moods- I suppose it's detachment in a sense that I still need to work on, but I find myself getting sucked back into HIS moods that in reality have nothing to do with me and that I have no responsibility for.

I think that loved ones of addicts suffer from their own denial- not viewing the situation in its full reality.
Ride the wave of your meds out I would say. I have suffered from horrible depression for most of my teenage/young adult life and have taken any and every medication to find one that actually works for me.

While reading your post I kept thinking "ME TOO!" Especially in regards to spending an entire sixty minute therapy session rehashing my abf's non-action or behaviors of that past week.
Most the time when I leave there I have only strengthened the muscle of codependency and my focus on the addict.

It's okay to slide backwards a bit. I have beaten myself up senseless because I've been doing so well, but then experienced a lapse of my clear headed thinking and moving ahead.
Try to take things one day at a time and trust that you are where you are suppose to be in your recovery.
I think the more energy we invest in worrying whether or not we're doing it right- the less we are able to stay in the moment and fully comprehend the present state of affairs.

I, too, have recently awoken to realize that it's going to take ALOT of behavior modification and changing of my reactions to get to the place of self-sufficiency that I long for. I still find myself sucked back into alot of my abf's emotional monsoon.
Manages his money poorly- I can't stand to see him starve. I get angry because I make less money than he does and feel semi-resentful that I must help him (I know I don't HAVE to- I choose to- my "moral code" gets the best of me in this place.) But it's difficult because I somehow feel like if I was a good person I would help him out and not abandon him and turn my back on him.

I also agree that writing down goals will help. Break your major goals into smaller ones- like "Look for an apartment for a half hour today." If we put restrictions on our time to do things- they aren't so daunting and overwhelming when we actually tackle them.
You're doing great.
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Old 04-21-2007, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by oneeyeopen View Post
I think I also need to not beat myself up about what I have done in this relationship...it was done out of love, out of showing faith and trust all with the intention of helping. Yeah, it may be misguided, but it was done for the right reasons.
This is ssooo important, one eye!
It might feel like the progress is slow...but you are well on your way to recovery.

You can't change the past...
And as painful as some of it has been, you will come out of this a much stronger, wiser, more compasionate person. Believe it or not, some day you might actually be grateful for the experience in some wierd way. I never thought I'd believe this..but I do...

Keep going...
One step at a time...
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Old 04-21-2007, 05:52 AM
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sounds as if you have a plan.stick to it.take care of you because you are the most important person. sayiong a prayers for you & i am wishing you luck.
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Old 04-21-2007, 07:20 AM
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no kicks here either, i think that just to recognize that you need to work on you is a good step. sometimes we have to force ourselves to get in go mode. little by little and step by step, you'll get there. try to remember to not allow yourself to think about him, its all about you. sorry that he is still active, i pray that he finds his way soon. still praying for the both of you.
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Old 04-21-2007, 07:32 AM
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OneEye,

I'm a firm believer in our HP having us right where we need to be today. We all come into our recovery in the right time. We all get it when we get it. And I know that can sound so trite, but I do believe it's true. I know, for me, the realization of certain things has come just at the right time. If they had been thrown at me earlier, Lordy have mercy, the would have gone right over my head.

So pat yourself on the back for seeing what you see today. And like Big Sis said, break that job of the application down into smaller parts to get it done.

I think you're doing just fine and smart, smart, smart to realize it's about you and your recovery. I still have to remind myself of that...ALL THE TIME!

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 04-21-2007, 08:40 AM
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No kicks just HUGS. Depression can be so debilitating. I think that you are doing good to recognize the things you wish to change. Take those baby steps. They will eventually lead you to where you need to be. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-21-2007, 04:18 PM
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Lots of hugs and prayers. You are doing great and in time, things will get better. Or at least, you will!

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Old 04-21-2007, 04:26 PM
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I have taken Cymbalta--I have been on zoloft for a long time--this new cymbalta came out and my pain management doc wanted me to try it cause it tends to help those with chronic pain--it din;t work for me.
I will stay on the zoloft.
Sometimes you have to try a few before you find the right anti depressant for you
It also takes a few weeks to tell if it is working.
Remember there is no 'magic" pill to make it all go away--but if you find the right medicine it can make a difference on making you see things differently-and sleeping patterns etc....
You still need to work at it .... Sending all good thoughts your way that tomorrow will be a brighter day for you....
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Old 04-21-2007, 04:29 PM
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You seem to be right where you should be. You've realized that it's about YOU!!! Good step. Haven't take that med, but they have me on Wellbutrin which I don't think is going so "well". I got up yesterday & spent 3 hours working on resumes, sending them out, looking at other options. And I was amazed when I looked at the clock.

One step at a time.

Lynne
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Old 04-21-2007, 08:38 PM
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Oh am I ever the same when it comes to medication! I panic, thinking I am going to feel "different".
Now, as for the job, go for it. If you don't try, you won't get it. If you do try, you just might! Get someone to help you get your papers together even if you have to pay them.
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Old 04-21-2007, 09:06 PM
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Just hugs and support from here, oneeyeopen.

If you need any help or moral support or a cheering section or good ideas or ANYTHING for making your small step this weekend (your application) just ask us!!! There are a lot of smart people out here and we'd love to help.

Baby steps...just one small small thing each day.

Hugs,
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