about ME!!!
I have decided that I am not going to tell all these dreary tales of what the abf did and how he did it. Basically, the addicts in our lives all act the same -- they disappoint us, they betray us, they break our hearts, and we love them and love them and become ensnared in our enabler/codependant roles and allow ourselves to be manipulated by them, and our hope just springs eternal, eternal, eternal, to our own detriment.
lets just say that he is still drinking, still using (right now???) and still breaking my heart, and until something in the equation changes there is no reason to go on about that.
In the meantime -- ME.
I have been prescribed Cymbalta. Anyone take it? the first day I was on it I was really zonko, I hate being altered in any way so it was rather disconcerting. I am always terrified when that kind of thing happens to me and I worry that whatever medicine I have been administered is going to cause some bad thing to happen to me.
But, aside from that first day, other than occasional headaches and some dry mouth, I seem to be okay.
I have such high hopes that this will help me get over my depression and that I will be able to get myself back together soon.
I need to move July 1, and I need to find a new job, and those are large things to tackle and, with the way I feel now, I can't imagine being able to do it.
A job in my profession has been posted at a place right nearby and I have not even been able to get myself organized to apply for it. I have been saying for months that I want to get a cover letter and resume packet together so I would have something ready to send out if something came up and instead I let myself obsess over the abf's probs, or the personal problems I now have (financial especially) because of him (admittedly, I am an adult, I did make those bad choices, I have to take some responsibility for my own actions).
And I feel guilty for not being responsible about my finances and not getting serious about job hunting and tired of keeping so many secrets regarding those things from my family, who would be really shocked and hurt by the whole thing since they are helping me out...
and I have wasted hours of my therapy time going over the abf's probs instead of my own.
I think that I have made progress with my recovery but of late things have slid downhill, but at the same time I am more aware of what it will take on my part to make it there. Perhaps I have not hit bottom yet myself, and just as the addict I need to before I pick myself up and recover from my addiction--the abf. What will be my bottom? How in debt do I have to let myself become? how far will I stray from my priorities? (guilty about that too.)
I think I also need to not beat myself up about what I have done in this relationship...it was done out of love, out of showing faith and trust all with the intention of helping. Yeah, it may be misguided, but it was done for the right reasons.
But now, I have to work to pick up the pieces of my broken down self and life and really get my act together, even if it is in little steps.
My goal this weekend is to get that application organized so I can drop it off on Monday.
go ahead every body --- give me a good swift kick to get me going!
thanks!