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Need advice on Tough Love

Old 04-08-2007, 06:37 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Welcome. I am the mom of a 21 yr old recovering herion addict. grandma might handle the news better than you think. I too was very worried about the grandparents finding out. They are in their 70's. But it finally got to where I couldn't cover up any more. They gave their love and support and were way more understanding than I ever thought someone their age could be on the matter.
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Old 04-08-2007, 09:35 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Marian,
I think everybodys beaten me to the punch, but I just want to say, have faith.
Being the mother of 2 addict sons, (just lucky I guess) faith, and the people here at Sober Recovery, have helped me travel down this road of addiction. For today, and just today, both of my sons are sober. I consider it somewhat of a miracle.

By letting your daughter find her own way, you are doing her a favor. I prolonged the agony of both of my sons addictions by enabling them for a long time. Don't be me.

Hugs, and prayers,
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Old 04-08-2007, 11:34 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Another mom in pain

Just want to add my agreement to what has been said. My son is primarily a marijuana user and drinker but dabbles with coke too. He's just been kicked out of the military after one really good clean year and I've been devastated. I've been blessed to have 7 years in alanon but it's still hard, even with a sponsor, the 12 step literature and meetings.

Watching your kid go down this path is painful. But the point I have to remember is that it's HIS path, not mine. He was in many treatment centers before age 18 and he knows how to get help. Often I think I underestimate how hard it is for the addict/alcoholic to get recovery. Heck, I have a hard time trying to give up sugar in my tea! He's 22 and I hope some day he will seek recovery but this latest devastating blow hasn't done it.

My boundaries are no financial support and he can't live at home but it's hard for me when he mentions school - paying for college is my big issue. So, my plan is one that I used before - you pay for the first semester and save the receipts for tuition and books. You complete the units and I'll reimburse you so you'll have the money for second semester. So far I haven't had to pay up under that plan though I'd be thrilled if he did finish a class.

One thing I've learned is that we can't make our kids sober. The sad truth is that we can't really force a bottom on them and so I look at my boundaries as saving my sanity and giving me a life. At least I know I'm not prolonging his use with financial support but I long ago gave up thinking that by not supporting him he would get sober sooner. He seems to find ways to get by and I now realize he'll get sober if and when he's ready -not as the result of my decisions.

Good thoughts to all the parents out there dealing with this.
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Old 04-08-2007, 12:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Such good thoughts in these posts...they give renewed strength to me. My son is two weeks away from completing his fourth round in rehab. My biggest problem is feeling sorry for him. It is a game they catch us up in. And we as enabling parents fall so easily into it. IT DOES NOT HELP! I am saying that for me as well as you. You sound like a good loving mom caught in a hellish situation. I'm sorry you are going through this but I know you have come to the right place. I am a stronger, more aware addict (addicted to my son) and I have to let him fall every day in order to stay sane. Hang in there!
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Old 04-08-2007, 12:11 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi Marian

First I should say Welcome to SoberRecovery and sorry I'm so late in tuning in. By this time you know how many wonderful people are here to listen and support you and that's a good thing.

Anyway it sounds to me as though your son-in-law is right on in his thinking. He is totally right in asking your support but I also know how difficult it is to stand by and watch your child go down this painful path.

Recently, I spoke to my brother who had been involved with the 12 steps program for 22 years. I asked him how he finally did it and he said after facing two drunk driving cases and no one would help him anymore. My mom was a big co-dependant and while she was alive he was drinking all the time, and she was always helping, but not really!! She always made sure he was comfortable and was always preaching about AA. He said it was only after she passed away that he got sober.

So, I guess there is something to be said about HELPING without HELPING! If you know what I mean!!

I only wish I had been as smart as your son-in-law. If I had only faced the inevitable years ago, and not been so "helpful" perhaps my son would not be 44 years old and in prison!

I wish I had it to do over! I would be so tough! Well, I would try to be anyway.

Know you are all on the right track!

Hugs and prayers, Devastated
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Old 04-08-2007, 12:32 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Marian...just another welcome, everyone has answered your question so well before me.
I am also a mother of an addict and we had to go the exact same route. We had to kick him out with no home, no job. I would have never gotten through it without all the help from the great folks here. As mom's we know how hard it is for you, so keep posting, you are definitely not alone!
****{Hugs & prayers}}} SM
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Old 04-08-2007, 01:02 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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My mother had to let me go

It took everything out of her and broke her heart I'm sure
of it. The woman begged me to stop.
She literaully got on her knees and beg me.
This is after she bail me out of jail a couple if times
in less than 1 month. She went through my house
threw all the drugs out, pay my rent and bills.
I had almost $3000 for drugs, but told her i was broke.
I didn't stop. I had to hit my bottom.
I'm glad my mother didn't have to see me in the space.
It was ugly.

she didn't let me back in her house easily either, just
becuase i was clean and sober. Even when I was sleeping
in my car out in the street. I have a habit of sleeping in
my car when I hit a bottom, but thats another story.

I'm also the boomerange kid. But I stay away longer and
longer each time as i grew up.

I would also add. Please don't make any damning remarks
to your duaghter. I had very low self esteem and was
extreemly sensitive. Most of the time my mother would
just hug me and not say anything. I pretty much knew
want I needed to do already after I hitted my bottom.
It took time for me to grew up in so many ways aside
from just getting a job. i had already had great paying jobs.
On an emotional level when I first got clean and sober
I felt if i was a 13 year old kid in a body of a 22 year old.
And i was still childish in so, so many ways.
Getting clean and sober was just the beginging of my recovery.

Last edited by SaTiT; 04-08-2007 at 01:30 PM.
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Old 04-08-2007, 01:35 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR. I, too, am the mother of an active 26 yr old addict daughter, who now has a 20 month old daughter of her own.

I agree with those ahead of me. Have faith and hope but don't allow her addictive behavior to control YOU. You need to keep yourself in recovery or you will become as sick or sicker than she.

You have found a great place. For me, it was and is my sanity!

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Old 04-09-2007, 12:15 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I feel your pain! Well, I think I do. I am cautious to say that now because I am not in your shoes. My addict is my 20 yr old son. I knew he was using this or that since age 16. I found out about his heroin use about at age 18. We went thru 2 yrs of outpatient therapy off and on, all the while hiding it from my family and my younger daughter got a front row seat to his addiction.

Long story and I won't bore you with the details, but he finally got clean in January. Inpatient treatment was the only way for him. He no longer lives here with me and me and my daughter are repairing our relationship. I do see him once a week, he lives in a half way house. I am learning the hundreds of ways I enabled him. And I thought I had one of those kids who would tell me anything. He told me a lot, but that was only the half of it.

This forum is amazing in providing support. I am glad you found it, and hope you continue to post.

Much love
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