Another mom in pain
Just want to add my agreement to what has been said. My son is primarily a marijuana user and drinker but dabbles with coke too. He's just been kicked out of the military after one really good clean year and I've been devastated. I've been blessed to have 7 years in alanon but it's still hard, even with a sponsor, the 12 step literature and meetings.
Watching your kid go down this path is painful. But the point I have to remember is that it's HIS path, not mine. He was in many treatment centers before age 18 and he knows how to get help. Often I think I underestimate how hard it is for the addict/alcoholic to get recovery. Heck, I have a hard time trying to give up sugar in my tea! He's 22 and I hope some day he will seek recovery but this latest devastating blow hasn't done it.
My boundaries are no financial support and he can't live at home but it's hard for me when he mentions school - paying for college is my big issue. So, my plan is one that I used before - you pay for the first semester and save the receipts for tuition and books. You complete the units and I'll reimburse you so you'll have the money for second semester. So far I haven't had to pay up under that plan though I'd be thrilled if he did finish a class.
One thing I've learned is that we can't make our kids sober. The sad truth is that we can't really force a bottom on them and so I look at my boundaries as saving my sanity and giving me a life. At least I know I'm not prolonging his use with financial support but I long ago gave up thinking that by not supporting him he would get sober sooner. He seems to find ways to get by and I now realize he'll get sober if and when he's ready -not as the result of my decisions.
Good thoughts to all the parents out there dealing with this.