peacefulgirl

Hello Everyone - I'm new here and have found this board to be very helpful and informative. This is my situation: I have been dating a man for 8 months now. He has two teenage children - both kids are alcoholics, both have attempted suicide. Son (20 y/o) no longer drinks, but does continue to smoke pot. Daughter (18 y/o) is fresh out of rehab, going to AA meetings, taking anti-depressants, etc. Her general outlook is pretty good at this time - but she has a very long road ahead of her. I am very supportive of my boyfriend and his children as well. My big question is...for those of you who have had children who have been alcoholics...what has your life been like over the years??? Is it one that has been happy and peaceful, or one that has been filled with worry, anger, disappointment and fear. This gentleman and I have been talking about marriage - and I have no idea what to expect in the future with regards to his children. I know that no future is ever certain - but something keeps telling me that I really need to take a serious look at all of this. I have three children of my own and want to make sure that I make an intelligent and informed decision about our future.

So...if I was your daughter/sister/friend....what honest, helpful advice would you give me??

Thank you so much and God bless all of you.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Peacefulgirl.

Welcome to the recovery forum! No kids here, just an interested observer. You haven't really said much about how your boyfriend is coping with all of this. Not everyone who has an alcoholic in their life is codependent, or prone to letting the alcoholic suck their life away. If you see your boyfriend being victimized by his kids, maybe you could suggest alanon to him. If he seems to be letting their struggle BE their struggle then there doesn't seem to be reason to fear that he would be dragging you into a quagmire. I got a peculiar ache when I read your post. It's not uncommon to hear people question the advisability of commiting themselves in marriage to an addict, even a recovering one. But frankly, this is the first one I remember questioning whether it not it would be safe to hook up with a possible codependent. Owie. I don't blame you. I can see how such a situation could turn bad. But the sorrow I felt for your boyfriend was huge. First he's got these kids to cope with, or around... then he may not be able to continue a normal relationship because of them. Owie again. I wouldn't suggest you subject yourself to chaos for any reason. I've felt very sad for recovering substance abusers who were shunned because of their past. Now I feel sad for your boyfriend who may be shunned because of his children. I think your answer has to be found in his general attitude about them and their problems. I keep thinking about some of the wonderful moms in recovery who post here, and how I would feel if they said the man in their life felt unsure about commitment because of their relationship with their child. I can certainly see the point. And it's going to sound very unrecovered of me to say it makes me want to shake-n-bake those kids.

Don't enlist for combat in world war three. But I don't think you have to assume there's going to be a war just because your boyfriend loves his alcoholic children. Every situation is different. Can you talk frankly with him and get a feel about his attitude? I believe that's where I'd start.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke

peacefulgirl

Thank you very much for your response. My boyfriend has had a very difficult time with this - I would certainly say that he is co-dependant. He has tried and still tries to fix their problems for them. He takes the weight of all their struggles on his shoulders and suffers right along with them. He is going to Al-Anon, so that is a step in the right direction. In his personal life - he does well when they are doing well. When they are not...his life reflects that as well. Hence....our relationship does well when his kids are doing well...and really suffers when they are not. He withdraws both physically and emotionally from me. He carries a tremendous amount of guilt, shame and worry. My children are all teens and doing extremely well - and I sometimes feel that because of that - it makes his children's problems seem even more pronounced. I support him in a kind, understanding and loving manner - being sympathetic to all he is going through - but at the same time very concerned for his overall mental and physical health. I have told him that he needs to lovingly detach from their problems - but I'm not sure he is able or even wants to do that. I don't want alcoholism to claim one more life - HIS (with or without me).

I know that when I marry someone - I marry their family as well. As far as he goes - he has all the qualities that I am looking for - but the constant ups and downs take a toll on me after a while. When I look down the road of my life - I think I have some valid concerns about these two children ever really being independent and able to take care of themselves - because they have gotten so used to everyone taking care of things for them. They demand and use guilt - and everyone jumps. Everyone has walked on eggshells around both children for so long - afraid to stand up to them so that they won't set them off in any way. My boyfriend has contributed to that problem as equally as his ex-wife has.

Thanks for listening and for any advice that you can give.

JT

Ouch is right!

My son is an addict and I know I have put my husband through the wringer. I have openly defied him, gone behind his back and pulled away emotionally. My pain is his pain and yes, he worries about me alot. As one of the mom's that Smoke is referring to, I have alot of baggage. My husband and I married when my son was 6. Although I know he loves me (married 21 years) I would be willing to bet that if he could go back and choose an easier path he would. Ouch! Something for me to think about.

If you take a look at how your b/f has dealt with his children up to now it would give you a pretty good idea of what to expect in your future. Good luck!

Hugs,
JT

smoke gets in my eyes

Mornin' Peacefulgirl.

Sounds like he's got it bad. No wonder you're concerned. But take heart, I had it bad, too. So did almost everyone who posts here, that's why we sought out alanon. You didn't say how long your boyfriend has been attending, but I don't guess it matters. It doesn't seem to have sunk in yet. Sometimes it takes awhile with codies just like with addicts. Some never do get it, of course, but it seems change can happen quickly once the light begins to dawn.

While things are like they are, it doesn't sound like something to marry into. But time and alanon can change things... even when it looks like change is hopeless. Only you know how long you are willing to wait, and if he's otherwise good enough to wait for.

Hugs,
Smoke

peacefulgirl

Thank you all for your responses - it helps me to learn how others have coped. I just found a couple days ago that his daughter has tried every drug except for Heroin - but alcohol was her "drug of choice". She used "mushrooms" over the weekend and doesn't seem remorseful about doing it - said it was fun for her and that she liked how she felt. My boyfriend is telling her that it was wrong, that she needs to make better choices, but we both know it's all really up to her. Dinner table discussions are about her alcohol and drug use, and I've got to tell you that I have a real hard time sitting there and listening to it all.

I am trying to take one day at a time - just like everyone else is - but it's so difficult when I know that I don't have to be in a mess like this and that I do have choices. As I am sure you can tell - I am really confused about what to do and what my future might be like if I stay.

Thanks to all of you and God Bless....