Hi Peacefulgirl.
Welcome to the recovery forum! No kids here, just an interested observer. You haven't really said much about how your boyfriend is coping with all of this. Not everyone who has an alcoholic in their life is codependent, or prone to letting the alcoholic suck their life away. If you see your boyfriend being victimized by his kids, maybe you could suggest alanon to him. If he seems to be letting their struggle BE their struggle then there doesn't seem to be reason to fear that he would be dragging you into a quagmire. I got a peculiar ache when I read your post. It's not uncommon to hear people question the advisability of commiting themselves in marriage to an addict, even a recovering one. But frankly, this is the first one I remember questioning whether it not it would be safe to hook up with a possible codependent. Owie. I don't blame you. I can see how such a situation could turn bad. But the sorrow I felt for your boyfriend was huge. First he's got these kids to cope with, or around... then he may not be able to continue a normal relationship because of them. Owie again. I wouldn't suggest you subject yourself to chaos for any reason. I've felt very sad for recovering substance abusers who were shunned because of their past. Now I feel sad for your boyfriend who may be shunned because of his children. I think your answer has to be found in his general attitude about them and their problems. I keep thinking about some of the wonderful moms in recovery who post here, and how I would feel if they said the man in their life felt unsure about commitment because of their relationship with their child. I can certainly see the point. And it's going to sound very unrecovered of me to say it makes me want to shake-n-bake those kids.
Don't enlist for combat in world war three. But I don't think you have to assume there's going to be a war just because your boyfriend loves his alcoholic children. Every situation is different. Can you talk frankly with him and get a feel about his attitude? I believe that's where I'd start.
Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke