TexasGirl

Well, he just called my office and asked why I was ignoring him this morning. Here's an abbreviated play-by-play...

Him: I wasn't talking to any girl
Me: I saw you
H: I was just talking to the bartender
M: You were sitting very close, leaning in to some girl. She had on a white shirt with dark brown hair.
H: Yes, that was just the bartender. She was sitting 2 chairs down reading the newspaper
M: No, that's not what I saw. It doesn't matter who it was anyway. It was inappropriate. Are you saying you'd rather spend your nights hanging out with some bartender than me?
H: Well, I want you to go with me, but you don't ever want to go out anymore.
M: I'm tired of watching you get sloppy every time. You know, you hurt me more than any other person on the planet, and you are supposed to be the one I can trust the most. I'm tired of this. I don't want to have to worry about you driving home, you meeting women, you winding up in jail and how it will affect me. Maybe this is the end of our marriage.
H: Well you shouldn't worry about those things.
M: How can I not worry? I don't think I should have to have these problems in my life.
H: Well, you bring a lot of problems to my life too.
M: Well, maybe this is the end of our marriage then.
H: Is that what you want?
M: *Silence*
H: I have to go, I have a business call coming in. I'll talk to you tonight.

You know, I can throw that kind of stuff around, but can I do it? I still don't have a job in another town. I can't get a place here because that woud require a 6-month minimum lease, and I don't want to be here that long. He's here, his family is here, and I couldn't handle them being mad at me or the pressure they would put on me. I would have to leave town entirely to escape.

teethgrinder

The girl(s) are just another symptom of the problem. It's not that she is cuter, nicer, more interesting, blah blah blah than you. He probably likes the fact that he can drink all he wants to and have the company of a woman who (in his mind) is finding him witty, charming, attractive. He knows that if he sat next to you drinking like that you would just be disappointed and disgusted. You know him too well. I've learned that they already think of themselves in a very, very negative light and need to seek out people who make them feel special. That's my guess as to why substance abuse often is accompanied by cheating or flirting.
Just know that this is about him and his self esteem, or lack thereof, and not one ounce about you. The affections of others are just like a drug-a temporary escape from reality.
I'll grit my teeth for both of us tonight! Hang in there.

Pick-a-name

Sooooo true; JMHO. At least that is what I tell myself. AH of 27 yrs is having a mental meltdown, including this very issue.......he was not even like this when we met at 20 yr. WHO is this guy?? the lies, cheating, crazy,crazy things....UGH! He looks pretty similar, but other than that, I really wonder!

Pick-a-name

Don't you just hate it when that happens?! I had a few moments like that a week or so ago and sent the dogs hiding......at least that made me laugh enough to (kinda) get a grip.

((TG)); you are not alone!

sammiejam

Hey TG,

I am new here but know exactly what you are going through. I just posted a reply to Cupowater about the same sort of thing.

My ex was exactly as you guys are describing here. Notice i said ex? It took him 5 1/2 years but eventually the flirting turned into a ONS. And that was it. The dealbreaker. He has had 6 g/f's in the last 5 months. Basically he will be with anyone who will look after him and let him drink. It is so humilating to me to realise how unspecial i really was to him.

I am here now in an effort to understand how i let myself go through this and to heal myself. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Its hell on earth.

Hugs to ya

Gabe

How classicly "alcoholic" of him.
Boy howdy, lets dismiss all my wrongdoings and move right on along to more pleasant things.

GettingBy

Ya know what I hear in this paragraph, TG? You're making all sorts of excuses NOT to go. Sounds like you want everything perfect before you'll be able to actually cut the chord, and unfortunately, life is never perfect.

My thought on this... focus on one thing at a time. For me it would be, am I staying or going? Once I've made up my mind to go, then I'd start looking for a job... something, anything. I'd tend to be a bit flexible in what I would take b/c all I need is something to just get me the heck away. I can always change jobs later. Once that is lined up, the housing will fall into place. Maybe you can do a low cost hotel room for a week or two, then find yourself short term apartments (they are out there!).

The key to making it all work? One step at a time. Try any more than that and life becomes very overwhelming very quickly. First things first, okay?

Hugs to you! I know it's not easy, but it's also not impossible. I was living with an ex down in San Antonio. He sexually abused me one night, claimed that he thought I would "enjoy it." I made up my mind then and there I wasn't going to stay. I deserved better. It was scary as hell, at first. My whole family was back in NY, and there I was half a country away. All sorts of excuses that could have kept me with him, except I made up my mind that I was not going to subject myself to it. I found a lady who worked in my office building, she was willing to lend me her couch for a few weeks until I found something (plus I needed to save up some cash!). It was embarassing to have to take the charity of others, but I knew I couldn't do it alone. I found a nice little place and negotiated with the landlord on the contract. I told him my situation and he let me pay the deposit in installments. About 8 months into the apartment, the ex started harassing me there.... it was time to get out of Texas. Again, scary but I made up my mind that my safety was priority number one. Step by step, one thing at a time... and all things eventually worked themselves out. The key is knowing what you want, and sticking to it.

Awareness - we become aware of the situation we're in.
Acceptance - we accept the situation for what it is, and acknowledge what we can change, and what we can't.
Action - We figure out what we can change, how we want to change it... and we put the wheels in motion.

Where do you think you are in that process? I know for me, I can't begin any action until I've fully accepted the truth of the situation.

Just some of my random thoughts, TG. I know it's a tough situation, but I know that there is also lots of hope.
Shannon

elizabeth1979

Damn, how did I miss all this. Oh wait, I know..whining to myself about my life.

TG, Lots of good input from everyone.



That kind of comment is my favorite. Tickles me to death to hear that sh*t.

It all will boil down to what you can and cannot accept as a day to day normal part of life. It truly isnt about the drinking, its about selfish and addictive behavior.
But, you do not have to decide that today. or tomorow. Is it something you can remove your emotion from and detach from?

TexasGirl

It's OK to vent about your life too, Sarah Elizabeth!

Yes, I could detach from it all, but I have to share this...I got a call for a job interview. They want to see me tomorrow. It's not 100% what I had in mind, but I think it would pay twice what I make now!!!!! I'm excited, nervous, terrified, wondering if this is right, the whole gamut of emotions. (And Shannon...it's in SA). I could find somewhere to live, but my biggest problem is my dogs. Initially, I thought if I went through with all of this, I would just take the older one...he's my baby. My H is partial to the new one, and frankly in her puppy stage, she drives me up the wall. My older one hates her too! But then I can't help but wonder what would happen to her if I left her. He loves her, but is he capable of taking care of her properly? Plus she adores my older one. But can I afford two pet deposits? Can I afford one? If I had them both, I would have to have a yard. If I take just him, he loves to stay inside all day, so an efficiency (much cheaper!!!!) would work. I can't decide about the dogs...

Minx1969

Hey TG,

Congrats on the job interview! That's awesome..

Don't worry about the dogs yet..One day at a time (or one minute at a time)..just go to the interview..

You could probably find a short term roommate situation that would take dogs..I think roommatefinders.com or something like that..

Sometimes people with a house will rent rooms to people with animals..

Go to the interview, see what happens and make the other decisions later..

GettingBy

First things first, TG, okay? One step at a time, and like I said, things will work out! Get the job straightened out and then you can work on the housing and the doggies!

Prayers for you on your job interview!
Shannon

cupowater

I can't stand it when my SO resorts to this sort of Kindergarten come back. He does it all the time! Even if it has nothing to do with what is being said! Foe instance, I was talking to my son the other morning and he was asking me to show him how to sew his shirt. I told him "yes! every man shoud know how to sew" My SO said "Yeah! You should know that!" (Playfully) Well, my son't girlfriend said "Well, do YOU know how to sew???" (playfully) and he said yes, and I gave him that ****-eyed look like Yeah, RIGHT!!! And he said "Well, I don't HAVE to know cause YOU do it. Don't you have a hot cooked meal every day?" (he does the cooking mostly by choice)
So he turnes this playful fun conversation into lookie what I do for you? I HATE it!!!!!