amc8994

Just taking a moment to say hello and introduce myself. I am mom to two boys: Age 16 who is a drug and alcohol addict which we have been dealing with for a little over 3 years now. Age 11 who has a colon cancer disease and is currently recovering from a surgery and preparing for phase two in 6 weeks or so.

Very long story short for my 16 year old...started with alcohol and pot, intertwined with a sampling of more and different drugs, moved to cocaine mixed with Adderall, filled in with prescription and over-counter drugs, and gets desperate enough to inhale car starter fluid for a fix.

The biggest problem I find is no support, both for him and for family. I live in a fairly large metropolitan area. Early in this mess I would get - "sorry, no help until he is part of the juvenile system", then I got, "he is part of the system, but we have to do this in steps", now I get "hmmm...What do we try next?"

As for support for immediate family, there is very little in the area. I am so surprised that there is so little help in the juvenile area. It is so difficult for myself, not to mention step-dad and little brother. Throw his father into the mix who thinks that keeping him under his thumb 24-7 is the answer, as well as family who thinks I should "make him be a part of the family", "force him to do chores", "don't let him sleep all day", well...you get the picture.

Then there is dealing with schools, peers, police, courts, detention centers, house arrest, trips to appointments, sleepless nights, crying, worrying, probation officers, juvenile judge who hasn't a clue to what things are really like at home. Again, you get the picture.

The thing is, the hardest thing for me is knowing that this is not the child I raised. The happy go lucky, care about those around you child of several years ago. The one who had a whole world ahead of him and the ability to make the most of it. The one whose good grades came easily in school. Who would cuddle on my lap to read or watch tv. That child is long gone and has been replaced by a surly, chip on the shoulder, evil eyed, don't talk to me monster who only knows drugs, alcohol, a tether on both ankles and a middle finger.

OK, OK there is way more to this, as well as myself. I look forward to meeting others who may have some insight, as well as being able to offer my insight.

Happy New Year ~Kelly

reader

Welcome AMC --- I real feel for your situation. I too have a son with drug and alcohol addictions. Though he is 31 not a teenager. We went through alot when he was younger, his temper actually ended him up in juvenile detention for awhile. This was a hard decision but at that time we felt we had no other option. He had been threating my safety. We still have to use a tough love approach even now. We are careful to not enable him and we use boundries to keep all the drama that follows him away from our minor children. I am so sorry that your other son is battling cancer. You have an awful lot on your plate right now. Would your son be willing to try a rehab setting, our son went twice but he is still drinking. Keep coming back for support you don't have to deal with the stress of this alone!! With love,

reikihelps

This mourning is so very difficult especially for a parent. I, too, have a 22 year old who struggles with addiction issues and all that comes with it. I know that when I am feeling mourning for who he was, it is a sadness that is deep and dark. On a good day I remember that this disappointment may be temporary (it has been four years but I have hope for his recovery and for my own), and it is his path to follow. I can't walk it for him or save him from it though I wish I could (like every parent, I suspect).
I'm sorry you are also dealing with illness with your other child. You wmust be feeling tired and overhwelmed.
Do you have personal support for you? A therapist, alanoon, friends, ect?
I also know what you mean that everyone has the right answer for you. Interesting isn't it? They mean well but anyone who has experiences addiction knows there is no quick fix and (read the following twice) the parents didn't cause it and can't fix it. That's where Alanon can help. It took me a long time to let that penetrate but now (on a good day) I believe it and that has reduced my shame and guilt significantly.
Welcome to SR. It's a great tool and a wonderful way to connect.
Keep the faith!

robina

My heart goes out to you, Kelly. With one addicted child, and one child ill with cancer, you are under terrible pressure right now.

My only child, age 22, is an alcoholic and I have been dealing with suicide threats, alcohol related hospitalizations, and her alcohol related encounters with the law.

In my experience, the only thing that is helping me to survive this is my Al-anon meetings. I go to 2-3 meetings a week, because I really need them.

It might be really helpful for you to look into some type of support system for yourself. I know Al-anon is an amazing comfort and source of strength for me. I also see a counsellor, which is very helpful.

Robin

sarah25

(((HUGS))) cannot fathom what you're going thru...my kids are 2 mo. 2yrs and 8yrs and I fear for them as they get older...the area I'm in is heroin infested......I look at their innocence everyday so hard because this world is just gonna try and strip it from them......praying for you and yours.

amc8994

Over the course of the last 3 years, he has done different phases of rehab. It started with a one week inpatient for psych. eval. His most recent was an IOP program for substance abuse.

He is now set for an eval. for a special school for teenage drug and alcohol addicts to help them with both rehab and completing high school. If that eval. comes through as not able to help him, they will be sending him about 3 hours away for a program that is even more intense and will mean foster care as well.

He is really good at telling adults around him what they want to hear, graduating from the short term rehab, then doing his own thing.

When he came home December 23, 2005 from a month out of state (Detention in Muncie for stealing my car and breaking probation and curfew) I found his latest gold support coin from rehab in the trash.

Grrr! ~Kelly

amc8994

Yes and no...

Family really tries to support but does not completely understand. Plus they deal with their own struggles with loving him and not understanding why they cannot help.

As for outside help, with no insurance - I cannot afford most programs. There are a couple of free group services, but honestly, nothing that really deals with helping the parent (family) of teenagers.

Someday, maybe I should start one. I am sure I will have plenty of experience!

~Kelly

amc8994

Sigh. I try to remind myself that strength comes from within and God, or the universe, or whomever will not throw me more than I can handle, but somedays I honestly wonder who I ticked off in a previous life!

My 11 year old has an inherited colon cancer disease called in short - F.A.P. He got the gene from his father. Strong family history, including his father so we were able to both prepare him and cope with process better than if it had been completely unexpected.

Part of the problem, my older son feels such guilt because he tested genetically negative for the disease and my younger has it. One of the reasons I think he broke so many items of probation and stole my car just before Thanksgiving is because he knew he would be sent away, and I guess in his own mind, felt it would be a way to avoid watching his brother go through everything.

As for the younger son. His exact words to me - "God gave it to me and not my brother because he knew I could handle it and [brother] could not."

~Kelly

CarolD

Hugs and Prayers for you and your family.

2 of my children are addicts/alcoholics.
They started at 17 and I spent 10 years dealing with them.

Then I started to drink too.

To keep my sobriety and sanity...I had to step away.

Here we are 20 years later...
my daughter says she is sober and clean. I sure hope so.
My son has been out of contact for 10 years. I pray he is safe,
And I have been sober for years.

dollydo

Welcome,

I can't much to what others have posted...just wanted to say "We are here for you"

Dolly

reikihelps

How are you today, Kelly?

pmaslan

Just wanted to say welcome....keep coming back......
Hugs to you Kelly

gelfling

Hi Dearest and welcome to SR.
This is really off the wall, but have your two sons sat down and talked about your youngests illness? He sounds like a very wise old man in a young boys body.

The reason I ask and what popped into my mind, is if the oldest is on a guilt trip about being healthy and your youngest has accepted it, perhaps they could talk about it. Just the 2 of them. Help comes in many forms. Just a thought.

Blessings

amc8994

No, they really haven't.

To place a better understanding of why... the 16 y/o will not talk about his feelings with anyone. 3 years of in and out of therapy and he has talked to know one. I keep getting the same thing - "until he is willing to open up, we cannot help him."

The genetic testing was July of 2004. The shut down, then the alcohol and drugs, for the 16 y/o began prior to that.

In my heart I know the reason, but I cannot overstep my bounds with the issue. I also have to be careful not to place blame, although I have brought the issue up to his past therapists. They just cannot get him to open up about it and deal with it.

The only thing that my 16 y/o did say, was in a breakdown to me this past September, as I nursed him through a druken mess one night. His words "why did he do that to me, I hate him for it and will never forgive him. I looked up to him and he does not even care about that." This being a mess his father created (my ex).

Unfortunately, my younger sons Colon Cancer Disease is only an added issue that the other will not deal with. And worse yet, my ex will not deal with what he did.

~Kelly

robina

That is a lot of stress for a young person to deal with. (I am assuming there was some abuse from the ex-husband?)

It does not excuse the drinking, but it may offer some explanation.

I do believe that dealing with root causes can be helpful for alcoholics. Many alcoholics experienced severe emotional, physical and sexual abuse as children, and in order to stay in long term recovery, they need to heal underlying emotional issues. (just my opinion)

On the other hand, if he is distrustful and resistant to counselling, that makes it much harder.