My seven year old daughter
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
A very diversified post. It's good to see everyone's take on how they would handle the situation.
My thoughts...is there manipulation and story telling on the paternal side that makes her want to stay with dad and grandmom? Presents and gifts galore can greatly influence a child.
Has anyone sat down with all the kids and talked to them and told them that daddy is "sick". Are they getting either therapy or alateen? I am concerned that eventually the daughter who chooses to stay with dad is going to miss out on lots of lifes exciting events. Not be allowed to be a child. Perhaps...because grandma says we should stay with daddy.
At 7, as with all kids, I thought I knew it all. Of course, I knew squat. But I did have strong direction from my parental units (grandparents who raised me).
This is definitely a pro and con situation. I just worry about the daughter who is missing out on being a child.
My thoughts...is there manipulation and story telling on the paternal side that makes her want to stay with dad and grandmom? Presents and gifts galore can greatly influence a child.
Has anyone sat down with all the kids and talked to them and told them that daddy is "sick". Are they getting either therapy or alateen? I am concerned that eventually the daughter who chooses to stay with dad is going to miss out on lots of lifes exciting events. Not be allowed to be a child. Perhaps...because grandma says we should stay with daddy.
At 7, as with all kids, I thought I knew it all. Of course, I knew squat. But I did have strong direction from my parental units (grandparents who raised me).
This is definitely a pro and con situation. I just worry about the daughter who is missing out on being a child.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Emily- you need to be a parent not a friend. You are the boss here. Good God why would anyone let a 7 year old make a choice-when it involves being in the care of a drunk!!!!!!!!! There is no way to tell if he would use good judgement if he started to drink and call his mother. I f you let her pick and chose at this age, you will have lost control to chose what is good for her in the early teens - when she is going to butt her head against all authority. Just my 2 cents worth. dax
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by Cynay
Well Im here to tell you that at age 7 I was totally co-dependant.
I would make those choices that your daughter is making now, and it had nothing to do with wanting to stay with the most stable parent. It had nothing to do with being spoiled or a prize... it had everything to do with taking care of my Mother.... being afraid if I was not there something horrible would happen to her.
And I was one of the targets for her anger... so I knew very well that in my staying home with her the possibility of her getting angery and my getting hit was probably a given... I was a martar at age 7 and quickly thought to take the roll of caretaker in my family.
I would make those choices that your daughter is making now, and it had nothing to do with wanting to stay with the most stable parent. It had nothing to do with being spoiled or a prize... it had everything to do with taking care of my Mother.... being afraid if I was not there something horrible would happen to her.
And I was one of the targets for her anger... so I knew very well that in my staying home with her the possibility of her getting angery and my getting hit was probably a given... I was a martar at age 7 and quickly thought to take the roll of caretaker in my family.
A child born to alcoholics and enablers learns to survive, and often that survival hinges on repetitious behaviour, such as ensuring that the alcoholic parent is 'safe in bed' each night, etc. I too was afraid of my mother passing out and being caught drunk, so I'd help her get upstairs before my Dad got home, and I was 7...I didn't understand alcoholism, had no clue what it was about, but yet I protected her. I think we all put our own personal slant on Emily's query, so what we experienced as children is now colouring our advice to her.
Emily, follow your heart, hon. I would be hesitant to leave my child with someone known to be an alcoholic, unless I was SURE that Grandma was going to be there, not just as a fill-in, but she'd better be there 100% of the time, so follow up with her, if you decide that your daughter should be allowed to stay home, and ensure that she is going to be responsible. Be sure she isn't wearing her 'codie' glasses either...!
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Emily, the bottom line is that you want your 7 year old to go and spend family time with you. Once she gets there she will really enjoy her self. She is a child, it is not her job to stay home and look after Dad. At 7 she should be expected to join the family and have fun. It was your husbands choice to stay home, she may not want to leave dad. You are her mother make the choice for her. You are the parent, take her and have fun!! Just my opinion, but you deserve to enjoy all your children with you on a family trip. Kerry
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
Lot's of opinions! I'll just say briefly that I understand both sides of the fence here. On the one hand I don't think there's anything wrong with forcing kids to go places when they're that young. My parents certainly didn't let us dictate where and what we were going to do. They let us choose on some things but when they thought they were doing best for us no way. The lead foot came down and no amount of crying, screaming, begging ect. was going to change it. It did benefit us. We learned that we weren't getting everything we wanted in life and we had to live with that fact and be mature about it. We never had tantrums like I've seen kids have out in public today, you can ask my mom!
That being said though Emily I also see how you and your husband have to be united on it. Does your daughter know he said she doesn't have to go? If so while she'd see her family and possibly have a good time, it also might be nothing but a big argument between yourself and your hubby. And of course she'll be in between it all. My parents were firm on things but they always stuck together and kept off of each other's feet when it came to rules and punishments. At the very least the one not laying down the law kept his or her mouth shut in front of us. If you're the one doing the forcing and he's the one letting her get her way she probably is going to gravitate to him. Good cop/bad cop idea. One day she might understand what you're doing, but probably not right now. It really is a pros and cons thing.
I agree about talking to her for sure. Maybe you can talk her into it. Try talking to your hubby too. Maybe you can make a deal. She goes this time, next time she doesn't have to. Communication is the way to start.
I hope you have a good time no matter what!
That being said though Emily I also see how you and your husband have to be united on it. Does your daughter know he said she doesn't have to go? If so while she'd see her family and possibly have a good time, it also might be nothing but a big argument between yourself and your hubby. And of course she'll be in between it all. My parents were firm on things but they always stuck together and kept off of each other's feet when it came to rules and punishments. At the very least the one not laying down the law kept his or her mouth shut in front of us. If you're the one doing the forcing and he's the one letting her get her way she probably is going to gravitate to him. Good cop/bad cop idea. One day she might understand what you're doing, but probably not right now. It really is a pros and cons thing.
I agree about talking to her for sure. Maybe you can talk her into it. Try talking to your hubby too. Maybe you can make a deal. She goes this time, next time she doesn't have to. Communication is the way to start.
I hope you have a good time no matter what!
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Emily -
This type of thing comes up all the time in divorced families. Who gets the kids when and where. You have plenty of time in the future to figure out this type of thing. Right now, you have family plans and she is part of the family. She is also 7 years old and should not be making decisions that affect your whole family. I can't for the life of me figure out why she would want to miss such a fun weekend. I guess if it were me I might let her stay home for the "fun" weekend and let her be sorry later that she missed it but there would be no way I would allow her to miss Thanksgiving with your family. She is part of your family. Teach her that she "needs" to be with the family. Emily, why do you think this is so hard for you? Are you afraid she won't "like" you? Kids often don't like their parents. It is our job, our responsiblity, to teach them what is expected of them. Someone else said that if you let a 7 year old make these types of decisions,by the time they are teenagers you don't have a chance of having any control and I agree with that. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Only you really know what that is. If you are afraid to do what is right because of your husband that is one more reason that you need to make some changes. Do you really want him and his mother having that kind of influence on your daughter.
Emily, please get some counselling to help you through all of this. You are so confused that it is becoming almost impossible for you to move in any direction. It can make all the difference in the world. From where you are right now, your life seems almost impossible to figure out. Go talk to someone who can help you find your way to a better life. You and your kids will be so much better off.
Hugs, Jo
This type of thing comes up all the time in divorced families. Who gets the kids when and where. You have plenty of time in the future to figure out this type of thing. Right now, you have family plans and she is part of the family. She is also 7 years old and should not be making decisions that affect your whole family. I can't for the life of me figure out why she would want to miss such a fun weekend. I guess if it were me I might let her stay home for the "fun" weekend and let her be sorry later that she missed it but there would be no way I would allow her to miss Thanksgiving with your family. She is part of your family. Teach her that she "needs" to be with the family. Emily, why do you think this is so hard for you? Are you afraid she won't "like" you? Kids often don't like their parents. It is our job, our responsiblity, to teach them what is expected of them. Someone else said that if you let a 7 year old make these types of decisions,by the time they are teenagers you don't have a chance of having any control and I agree with that. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Only you really know what that is. If you are afraid to do what is right because of your husband that is one more reason that you need to make some changes. Do you really want him and his mother having that kind of influence on your daughter.
Emily, please get some counselling to help you through all of this. You are so confused that it is becoming almost impossible for you to move in any direction. It can make all the difference in the world. From where you are right now, your life seems almost impossible to figure out. Go talk to someone who can help you find your way to a better life. You and your kids will be so much better off.
Hugs, Jo
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I'm with Minnie on this one. I was advised by a professional to view my family situation as "us" and "him." I, being the parent, made decisions for "us," and "him" could do as he pleased. It didn't mean that I wouldn't create a special occasion for all of us when it was convenient but it did mean that I was the parent and he, until he got into recovery, was his own island. I see what you mean, Judy, about the "take it or take it" parenting style, but I think that there are ways to phrase ideals into your child's head that doesn't distract from the child agreeing to a situation because it is what "the family" is doing.
I look at the following example to illustrate my point:
Pick up your toys! (demanding compliance from an authoritative stance demanding submission at whatever the cost of self esteem)
-or-
Please choose to pick up your toys (compliance based on free will)
I would suggest that she go with you on this day and arrange another suitable time for her to celebrate with "his" side of the family. I'm not entirely convinced that you are behaving childishly but that is for you to decide. I, for one, would not leave my children unattended with my drunken husband. That's me. I tolerate from my AH only behaviors associated with recovery. Until I grew a set of big brass ones he walked all over me for anything he wanted. Not now.
Evaluate honestly your own feelings and act accordingly.
I look at the following example to illustrate my point:
Pick up your toys! (demanding compliance from an authoritative stance demanding submission at whatever the cost of self esteem)
-or-
Please choose to pick up your toys (compliance based on free will)
I would suggest that she go with you on this day and arrange another suitable time for her to celebrate with "his" side of the family. I'm not entirely convinced that you are behaving childishly but that is for you to decide. I, for one, would not leave my children unattended with my drunken husband. That's me. I tolerate from my AH only behaviors associated with recovery. Until I grew a set of big brass ones he walked all over me for anything he wanted. Not now.
Evaluate honestly your own feelings and act accordingly.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'm with Minnie, Jazzman, and Splendra on this one. I was one of 7 children, and if we all were given a choice on when, where, or if we attended family functions, we wouldn't have attended any.
In my house, a seven-year-old child would not get to decide where to spend a holiday. In my house, I would never allow a mother-in-law to interfere with my parenting. In my house, I would never leave my child in the care of an active alcoholic, especially one with a history of abuse with his spouse, others, and animals.
Children need to learn that some things in life aren't negotiable, that they don't always get their own way, that sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.
In my house, a seven-year-old child would not get to decide where to spend a holiday. In my house, I would never allow a mother-in-law to interfere with my parenting. In my house, I would never leave my child in the care of an active alcoholic, especially one with a history of abuse with his spouse, others, and animals.
Children need to learn that some things in life aren't negotiable, that they don't always get their own way, that sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
my heart is breaking for emily's children...I am praying that emily and all of her children will find a safe way out of this terrible situation.
God please help emily find a safe haven take the fear out of her heart and fill it with love give her courage to ask someone for help. iJn amen....
God please help emily find a safe haven take the fear out of her heart and fill it with love give her courage to ask someone for help. iJn amen....
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I just want everyone to know, my daughter did go with me, we had a wonderful time.
I had all three of my kids with me, and we went swimming at the hotel with all the other hockey moms and dads and kids, had a pizza party, went in the jacuzzi. We went to Lost City and played laser tag, and air hockey, and this dancing game, that could be a great work out. lol We made signs for our hockey team.
The kids played tons of ski ball, and Mrs. Pac Man at the ice arena The hockey games were very exciting, we came in fourth which was nice, the games were so close and so competitive, what a blast. I must have gained five pounds for as much food my sister was trying to feed us. I had my own room and bathroom at my sister house, which was sweet. We rented Herbie fully Loaded by Disney, it was cute
We had a blast!! I was saddened to have to come home
but hey!! I had to go shopping right away when I got home, I was helping my son create a plant cell for his science project, he had to create five cells, I helped him with the plant cell. I made an edible plant cell with a pie pan being the cell wall, fruit roll ups as the cell membrane, oreo cookie as the nucleus, I wont bore you anymore but it was fun.
I didnt say anything more to my daughter about going or not going, she decided on her own.
I had all three of my kids with me, and we went swimming at the hotel with all the other hockey moms and dads and kids, had a pizza party, went in the jacuzzi. We went to Lost City and played laser tag, and air hockey, and this dancing game, that could be a great work out. lol We made signs for our hockey team.
The kids played tons of ski ball, and Mrs. Pac Man at the ice arena The hockey games were very exciting, we came in fourth which was nice, the games were so close and so competitive, what a blast. I must have gained five pounds for as much food my sister was trying to feed us. I had my own room and bathroom at my sister house, which was sweet. We rented Herbie fully Loaded by Disney, it was cute
We had a blast!! I was saddened to have to come home
but hey!! I had to go shopping right away when I got home, I was helping my son create a plant cell for his science project, he had to create five cells, I helped him with the plant cell. I made an edible plant cell with a pie pan being the cell wall, fruit roll ups as the cell membrane, oreo cookie as the nucleus, I wont bore you anymore but it was fun.I didnt say anything more to my daughter about going or not going, she decided on her own.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Nope!! I went to Holland this past weekend for my son's hockey tournament and we stayed at my sisters
I plan to go up north to my parents for Thanksgiving, my H said he was going to go, but doenst want to stay the whole weekend, I want to. I havent been up there since my nephews wedding in July, and I dont want to be rushed home.
I am not going to worry about it, but I will let him know that I am going and that I dont want to be rushed home, and he can decide what he wants to do. My whole family will be going with me to see my parents and all 15 of their cousins, and Aunts and Uncles. If my H decides to stay home, so be it.
I plan to go up north to my parents for Thanksgiving, my H said he was going to go, but doenst want to stay the whole weekend, I want to. I havent been up there since my nephews wedding in July, and I dont want to be rushed home.
I am not going to worry about it, but I will let him know that I am going and that I dont want to be rushed home, and he can decide what he wants to do. My whole family will be going with me to see my parents and all 15 of their cousins, and Aunts and Uncles. If my H decides to stay home, so be it.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Of course you can
My seven year old is looking forward to eating it when he gets home she said, I told her not to expect it, and if she wants we can make her own cell together that she can eat. Are you kidding it will not make it home, they will eat it in class or it will get smashed or they will put it in a seat where someone will sit in. lol
When the time comes, just know that the internet is great for science projects.
My seven year old is looking forward to eating it when he gets home she said, I told her not to expect it, and if she wants we can make her own cell together that she can eat. Are you kidding it will not make it home, they will eat it in class or it will get smashed or they will put it in a seat where someone will sit in. lol
When the time comes, just know that the internet is great for science projects.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
I would say this is more than possible in many cases, but I don't think it's the way it is in this case.
In my experience, a 7 year old would stay with the parent that provides stability, at least in their minds, not to take care of the parent unless they had to. Emily's daughter does not need to take care of her dad, her mom does that and he doesn't go on many family outings.
I know, I'm off base replying to this post, but I'm doubtful about the scenario you posted.
In my experience, a 7 year old would stay with the parent that provides stability, at least in their minds, not to take care of the parent unless they had to. Emily's daughter does not need to take care of her dad, her mom does that and he doesn't go on many family outings.
I know, I'm off base replying to this post, but I'm doubtful about the scenario you posted.
Well, Emily. There really is no great way for this to be the way you would really want it to be; it stinks. Hope you do enjoy your visit!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
Tell me, did anyone benefit from being told by their parents "you're going and that's it"!!!
Emily: do what YOU think is best; you are the functioning parent in this group. Either way; make sure you are comfortable with it. That is my only thought, whatever she ends up doing.
all this :JMHO
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