splendra

I would not leave my 7 year old daughter alone with the man that you are married to if he does the things that you say he does....

ASpouse

His rage and anger are directed at Emily, not his daughter. Not to say he can't just lose it and do something to her also. This is going to have to be a judgement call on Emily's part.

But you are right Splendra.

elizabeth1979

I think the bigger issue is WHY a 7 year old would rather stay at home with dad than
"go swimming at the hotel, go to lake michigan, go to a couple hockey games, visit with other kids and parents that are going"

Whats she really basing her desire to stay with dad on?

ASpouse

Ah, and that question opens up a big ole can of worms?

As I said, I feel this little girl is the prize in a big game of tug of war between Emily and her husband and his parents.

somebodysfool

Yikes, Emily! I imagine you've head all of this swarming in your head already. Can't begin to tell you what to do. I'll just keep you in my thoughts that all turns out the way it is meant to for whatever has to be learned. I know that sounds stupid or maybe on the fence but I can see both sides and I don't know what I would do. It reminds me of The Fiddler on the Roof when the father talks to himself and says on one hand.....on the other hand....on one hand....on the another hand...bottom line there's is no crystal ball to see into to know the best outcome is going to be. So Yikes!

J

emily33

I wish that could be answered elizabeth, Anyone??

I am not worried about my daughter staying home with her dad, she would be safe no question. His mom will be coming over probably the whole weekend, probably take her back to her house to spend the night, take her shopping to the movies, out to eat, buy her anything she wants.

I just wanted this to be a family outing, meaning my three kids and myself, I know my H wont participate, but what I was trying to say, that if my H would be going, there would be no question of if she would go, she would be going.

Cynay

Well Im here to tell you that at age 7 I was totally co-dependant.

I would make those choices that your daughter is making now, and it had nothing to do with wanting to stay with the most stable parent. It had nothing to do with being spoiled or a prize... it had everything to do with taking care of my Mother.... being afraid if I was not there something horrible would happen to her.

And I was one of the targets for her anger... so I knew very well that in my staying home with her the possibility of her getting angery and my getting hit was probably a given... I was a martar at age 7 and quickly thought to take the roll of caretaker in my family.

ASpouse

Cynay your story is all too common with many kids. I still don't think this is the issue with Emily's daughter.

elizabeth1979

Em, I couldn't answer that question.

Why don't you ask her why she would rather stay instead of going.

Maybe that will clear all this up for you? It would at the least give you some insight as to how she making decisions.

ASpouse

Excellent idea Elizabeth! I do that myself with my own kids.

minnie

Yes. I did. There were many times when I didn't want to go and visit family, go sailing with my own nuclear family etc etc. Had it not been for being "forced" to do these things, I would not have the bonds I have today. And I have spoken many times about the importance of those family ties in my life.

I personally don't think that 7 is old enough to make decisions about where you spend your holidays. And that's before I even the mention the "if my H drinks" aspect of it all. What kind of message is being sent my allowing her to stay home? That family isn't important?

And I am only 32!

ASpouse

I know you are younger than I am Minnie. I'm not saying that way wrong, but parenting is just different these days.

For me personally, I can honestly say that when my parents told me what to do and when I was going to do it, I did not learn the consequences of my own actions. I always did as I was told to do (neither of my parents were alcoholics). Yes, I had all the family bonds you did and growing up with always with family, nuclear and extended.

I still believe that open conversation with your child is best and explanations in a way they can understand are warranted when the situation calls for it. Life is much more different and complicated now and I grew up in the late 50's/60's. There is more stress etc.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this point. I'm living it right now with my own two kids and so far, it has worked for me and that is living with an alcoholic. Neither of my kids would choose me over my husband or visa versa. Kids are selfish by nature an I think they always look at things as "what's in it for me". As they grow up and mature and have their own experiences to draw on, that is when compassion, understanding and selflessness comes into play. I haven't gotten there yet with my own kids, but I think that's what I'll see over time.

Oh and my kids love doing anything with family and with us and I've always given them the choice (my son, just the past year). They would choose family over friends any time I ask them. So I get the same result my parents did by forcing me, only I let them make their own decision. Much less stressful.

It is an unhealthy environment that Emily and her children live in, there is no doubt about that.

Jazzman

How old are your children Judy? Boys/Girls?

pmaslan

When I was 14 I didn't want to go on vacation with my family. I waited the the yard behind the bushes til they left. After the car was going down the street I came out from the bushes and went back into the house and got back into bed. (It was 4AM)

I didn't want to leave my boyfriend and friends, and my grandmother lived with us, so I would not have been alone.

I wasn't in bed 10 minutes and here comes my Dad, dragging me out of bed. I had to go!!!!! I went and had the best vacation of my life....we went for 7 days to Walt Disney World no less. Sometimes a parent just has to be a parent no matter what the age!

ASpouse

My daughter is 13, will be 14 next month. My son is 5.

People used to laugh at me because when my children were infants, I would speak them, conversationally, not in babyease. They used to say I was silly, but I'll tell you what, when they started talking we would have conversations. Granted, not adult conversations, but they felt at ease talking to me, telling me things.

When my middle son, who died of brain cancer short of his 4th birthday, my daughter was talking about it, participated in and was eventually a facilitator of a group of kids who had lost a sibling. My daughter has been taught to communicate, that her feelings are valid always no matter what the situation. She will not hold things in ever and for that I will always be grateful and proud of her. There are things she will only talk to her grandmother about, or her Aunt about, but that is OK, there are just some things you can't tell your mother, and I understand that. I won't say we are never at odds, because we are, after all she is a teenager for crying out loud!

My son is the same way, we have conversations about things that interest him.

...... and I accomplished all of this despite living with an alcoholic. There are things I've done because of my AH, but raising my kids I always and I mean always did the right things, whether my husband was drinking or not! I would never use his alcoholism as an excuse as to why my kids turned out the way they did. I am their parent and I owe it to them to teach them the best I can in spite of my personal circumstances.

...... uh, more than you wanted to know, errr, um, sorry!

Jazzman

I run my family like a democracy. During the planning stage everyone has an equal voice. However, I am the president and I have veto power. If plans were made and one of the kids changes their minds, seven or seventeen yrs old, doesn't matter to me, a commitment is a commitment. I also believe that age specific considerations must be made. Many parents these days talk their kids to death about choices. At seven, they don't care if you're trying to present them with "good" or "bad" choices, they "mostly" care about what's in it for them. I say teach them the value of the family nucleus. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Emliy, I could be wrong but I get the feeling you are letting your seven year old dictate your life much like you are letting your husband do the same. Take ALL your kids and have a good time like you planned originally. It would do you guys good.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

minnie

Judy, I am not for a minute suggesting that we shouldn't talk to our kids in that way and I will stress that I have none of my own, so feel free to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.

I do, however, feel very strongly that if a family event is planned, then the family take part. If hubby wishes to bail out, then that's his choice, but why should the 7 year old even be put in a position to make that choice? The consequences of not taking part in family events are not felt for years. It's not like eating candy now rather than later. By the time she's old enough to think that she wished she had a closer relationship with Mom or her siblings, the damage has been done. Hubby and MIL already divide the children up on a regular basis - why continue that pattern?

Sorry Emily - yet again I have steamed into your thread. I know enough about your situation to make some "informed" comment, but have no right to tell you the right thing to do. I hope you've got loads of food for thought here. (((hugs)))

splendra

I would not leave my child alone with a man who views porn on the internet + drinks + is violent + who can be mean to children that are not his or can find any reason at all to do so....or a woman who treats my other children as thought they don't exsist + raised a man like that. If they do these things in front of you what in the h3ll would they do behind your back? Your daughter is not safe with him or his mother.....IMO

((((emily)))) please wake up....

ASpouse

Absolutely .... I am almost "anal" about commitment [smile]! My kids can do anything they want, well within reason of course when it comes to sport, art classes, wrestling etc. But they know if they make the commitment to a team, a class or whatever there is no backing out, none what so ever unless they are deathly ill and that is at my determination only [laugh]!

ASpouse

I would never think of doing that! Every set of parents and every child is different. We all raise and rear our children differently, but I think the goal is the same, to send happy healthy educated adults out into the world. You will be a great mom someday Minnie and believe me, I have meltdowns .... many many meltdowns [wink]! When I had kids I found myself constantly calling my mom and dad asking what they would do, how do I handle this? This is funny since I always said "I'll never be like both of you are" .... but guess what? I am and they didn't raise us 1/2 bad at all. It's the things I say to my kids that is so "my mom" that make me cringe for a brief second when I say them! Yikes ......