Looking for help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Looking for help
I'm new here and not even sure I'm doing this correct.
Looking for some help dealing with an alcoholic spouse and don't know where to get help. My story has years behind it and I'm just tired. Today has been really hard.
Married 36 1/2 years, my husband drank for the first 24 years (I really did not think about this much, both of us came from a families of drinkers). 13 years ago he went to treatment for 6 weeks, after our 1st granddaughter was born. Well last 10-2004 I had 3 mini strokes, then my mother became very ill. In 2-2005 I suspeded he was drinking again - asked him "no". In
3-2005 I asked him again "no", same for 4-2005 and 5-2005. Well in 5-2005 I went out to his garage and found the liquor bottles, vodka. I set the bottles in the middle of the floor on a Tuesday, when I came home from work on Friday the garage door was open. Well I caught hell, because he was caught.
I could not believe he was drinking again. I could not take his drinking again so I made plans to leave. End of 6-2005 I packed 1/2 of everything, took 1/2 the bank account and got an apartment.
Now I'm lost, I don't know my next move, what I should say to him.
We are right back to not talking about what's going on. If I bring anything up he gets mad - this is very hard for me to deal with - he always seems to be mad at him. He's not a talker.
He has not made any attempts to get counseling, even after I gave him the names of places and phone numbers. I can't get into any specialized counseling, counselors dealing only with families of alcoholics, until he starts.
I talk to him every night by phone and go out to the house on weekends. I also don't confront him when I know he's outside, with his Coke bottle, drinking.
I afraid to say anything for fear he will just say "___ it". Once he gets something in his head he does not give it up. I truely believe if I don't tread carefully it all will be over.
He's all I know, 16 when I married him, he was 18.
My friends, who know nothing of living with an alcoholic, call me a controlled wife.
I need some direction.
Thank you.
hadtoleave
Looking for some help dealing with an alcoholic spouse and don't know where to get help. My story has years behind it and I'm just tired. Today has been really hard.
Married 36 1/2 years, my husband drank for the first 24 years (I really did not think about this much, both of us came from a families of drinkers). 13 years ago he went to treatment for 6 weeks, after our 1st granddaughter was born. Well last 10-2004 I had 3 mini strokes, then my mother became very ill. In 2-2005 I suspeded he was drinking again - asked him "no". In
3-2005 I asked him again "no", same for 4-2005 and 5-2005. Well in 5-2005 I went out to his garage and found the liquor bottles, vodka. I set the bottles in the middle of the floor on a Tuesday, when I came home from work on Friday the garage door was open. Well I caught hell, because he was caught.
I could not believe he was drinking again. I could not take his drinking again so I made plans to leave. End of 6-2005 I packed 1/2 of everything, took 1/2 the bank account and got an apartment.
Now I'm lost, I don't know my next move, what I should say to him.
We are right back to not talking about what's going on. If I bring anything up he gets mad - this is very hard for me to deal with - he always seems to be mad at him. He's not a talker.
He has not made any attempts to get counseling, even after I gave him the names of places and phone numbers. I can't get into any specialized counseling, counselors dealing only with families of alcoholics, until he starts.
I talk to him every night by phone and go out to the house on weekends. I also don't confront him when I know he's outside, with his Coke bottle, drinking.
I afraid to say anything for fear he will just say "___ it". Once he gets something in his head he does not give it up. I truely believe if I don't tread carefully it all will be over.
He's all I know, 16 when I married him, he was 18.
My friends, who know nothing of living with an alcoholic, call me a controlled wife.
I need some direction.
Thank you.
hadtoleave
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
have you ever tried al-anon? that might be a first step for you. it will help you learn that you cannot change anyone but yourself and to focus on YOU and not the alcoholic in your life. you have done what many have such a hard time deciding - to leave. only he can decide if he wants to give it up - and only you can decide what's best for you. i'm sure many more will post with their experience, strength and hope. i was married to my AH for almost 15 years - he recently passed away.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Welcome To Sr!! I must have been very hard to find that he had relapsed and lied to you. My husband tries to lie but its so obvious. You have been married a long time and with him since you were a girl. It must be very different to be out on your own. All I can suggest is to get counseling on your own or attend an alon meeting. Keep coming here too. We all have dealt with alcoholics in our lives and it does help to read and share.
My husband isn't a big talker either it makes trying to work through this very hard. Work on you, we all have codependency issues. Treat yourself well, thats part of the alon message. Take Care, Come back Love, kerry
My husband isn't a big talker either it makes trying to work through this very hard. Work on you, we all have codependency issues. Treat yourself well, thats part of the alon message. Take Care, Come back Love, kerry
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: La-La-Land
Posts: 50
((((Hadto leave))))
Welsome to SR!!! There is so much great information and experiences to learn for here. I agree that you had made a huge step by moving out- and everyone knows what a difficult step this is! I also think Alanon is a great place to go. There is also a ton of literature out there. Just know that you are not alone here. We have all been called controlling- and truth be known- I was!!! What I had to learn was that I can not control anyone but myself. I was a monster when I thought I could make my exAH stop drinking. Learning to let go is hard but you need to take care of yourself! I know this is hard since you have been together for so long but it is never too late to take care of YOU!!!
Welsome to SR!!! There is so much great information and experiences to learn for here. I agree that you had made a huge step by moving out- and everyone knows what a difficult step this is! I also think Alanon is a great place to go. There is also a ton of literature out there. Just know that you are not alone here. We have all been called controlling- and truth be known- I was!!! What I had to learn was that I can not control anyone but myself. I was a monster when I thought I could make my exAH stop drinking. Learning to let go is hard but you need to take care of yourself! I know this is hard since you have been together for so long but it is never too late to take care of YOU!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Thank you all for your replies.
I've tried to find an Alanon group, maybe not as hard as I should have. Alanon groups are not like AA where I live. There maybe one in one area, another one in another area and so on. I've tried to go, I've ended up setting in the parking lot and cried, to afraid to go in. I've even called the contact member, found online under the area where I live. I was told I just needed to get to a meeting. I just can't seem to deal with going to all the different Alanon groups and tell the same thing over and over. I don't know if the member's stay together and go from meeting to meeting. I'm afraid to cry in front of others, I'm also so angry about all of this.
I don't have the support of my family, they live 760 miles away from me. The night they found out I left my husband, by phone, they were all together drinking. Well I guess it was wrong timing on my part to tell them I left because I could not live with his drinking again.
Our daughter is a daddy's girl, she and her husband are not talking to me -- I guess I was wrong to leave, I've destroyed the family. I've seen my granddaughters, ages 13 and 12, once since I left, that was in 7-2005, by accident. They are not allowed to call me. Our daughter, since I left, has had her dad over for meals, cook outs, their anniversary. I even bought the anniversary card and put a $50.00 gift card in it. I guess they thought he bought it.
I guess due to the Holiday's coming up I'm starting to panic and getting very emotional about all this. I've always bought the Holloween treats, cooked the Thanksgiving spread and supply all the Christmas gift.
My friends don't understand alcoholism, they try to be supportive. But when I talk to them I can see they just don't get it.
I'm 53 years old, I need to get myself together here.
One positive from all this is my apartment, no pressure from anything here. I really do love it. This is my "1st" time I've ever been on my own "ever".
Just typing all this has been therapy for me, I can feel some of the pressure from my chest relax.
Again thanks for your replies
hadtoleave
I've tried to find an Alanon group, maybe not as hard as I should have. Alanon groups are not like AA where I live. There maybe one in one area, another one in another area and so on. I've tried to go, I've ended up setting in the parking lot and cried, to afraid to go in. I've even called the contact member, found online under the area where I live. I was told I just needed to get to a meeting. I just can't seem to deal with going to all the different Alanon groups and tell the same thing over and over. I don't know if the member's stay together and go from meeting to meeting. I'm afraid to cry in front of others, I'm also so angry about all of this.
I don't have the support of my family, they live 760 miles away from me. The night they found out I left my husband, by phone, they were all together drinking. Well I guess it was wrong timing on my part to tell them I left because I could not live with his drinking again.
Our daughter is a daddy's girl, she and her husband are not talking to me -- I guess I was wrong to leave, I've destroyed the family. I've seen my granddaughters, ages 13 and 12, once since I left, that was in 7-2005, by accident. They are not allowed to call me. Our daughter, since I left, has had her dad over for meals, cook outs, their anniversary. I even bought the anniversary card and put a $50.00 gift card in it. I guess they thought he bought it.
I guess due to the Holiday's coming up I'm starting to panic and getting very emotional about all this. I've always bought the Holloween treats, cooked the Thanksgiving spread and supply all the Christmas gift.
My friends don't understand alcoholism, they try to be supportive. But when I talk to them I can see they just don't get it.
I'm 53 years old, I need to get myself together here.
One positive from all this is my apartment, no pressure from anything here. I really do love it. This is my "1st" time I've ever been on my own "ever".
Just typing all this has been therapy for me, I can feel some of the pressure from my chest relax.
Again thanks for your replies
hadtoleave
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
It's me again! When I read you 2nd post I could really understand your situation. It is very sad that your daughter has taken sides. Especially, since
she is grown up. To keep the grandbabies away from you must break your heart. I know what u mean about the family not understanding your choice to leave your husband. My mother has tried to talk me into staying with my husband for years. I know the holidays coming up seem scary since u will be having them without your family. I may be way off base on this one but could they be playing hard ball with you. Do they think if they ignore u that u will go back to him? I am all for making my marriage work but I can't do it anymore with an active alcoholic. My hubby is going into rehab. Just know that my heart goes out to you. I admire you for making a brave stand for yourself. Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!! Be strong. Kerry
she is grown up. To keep the grandbabies away from you must break your heart. I know what u mean about the family not understanding your choice to leave your husband. My mother has tried to talk me into staying with my husband for years. I know the holidays coming up seem scary since u will be having them without your family. I may be way off base on this one but could they be playing hard ball with you. Do they think if they ignore u that u will go back to him? I am all for making my marriage work but I can't do it anymore with an active alcoholic. My hubby is going into rehab. Just know that my heart goes out to you. I admire you for making a brave stand for yourself. Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!! Be strong. Kerry
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
HadtoLeave:
Your name says it all. You left because you had to - for yourself. Evidently, his drinking and behavior is something that you don't feel you can go through again. You also say that you love having your own apartment. Is it because you feel at ease without him around? Do you feel peaceful on your own except for the way your daughter is treating you? Shame on your daughter for shutting you out of her family's life. Why do you think she is doing it? Is it to try and force you to move back in with your husband? She is cheating her kids by keeping them from you.
Why did you move out? Was it to try and force him to quit drinking or was it to save your own sanity? You can't make him stop drinking. You can take care of yourself though and maybe taking that first step into an Alanon meeting could be the best thing for you. You don't have to talk, you can just listen until you are ready. I would bet that every single person who goes to their first meeting is as scared as you are. Give it a try. I promise it won't hurt!!!!!
Come here and talk about your situation and how you feel. It helps so much to be able to do that with people who understand. Share your story, read others threads and posts. Settle in and let us help you find your way.
Big hugs, Jo
Your name says it all. You left because you had to - for yourself. Evidently, his drinking and behavior is something that you don't feel you can go through again. You also say that you love having your own apartment. Is it because you feel at ease without him around? Do you feel peaceful on your own except for the way your daughter is treating you? Shame on your daughter for shutting you out of her family's life. Why do you think she is doing it? Is it to try and force you to move back in with your husband? She is cheating her kids by keeping them from you.
Why did you move out? Was it to try and force him to quit drinking or was it to save your own sanity? You can't make him stop drinking. You can take care of yourself though and maybe taking that first step into an Alanon meeting could be the best thing for you. You don't have to talk, you can just listen until you are ready. I would bet that every single person who goes to their first meeting is as scared as you are. Give it a try. I promise it won't hurt!!!!!
Come here and talk about your situation and how you feel. It helps so much to be able to do that with people who understand. Share your story, read others threads and posts. Settle in and let us help you find your way.
Big hugs, Jo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Thank you all for listening and your responses.
cwohio: I read of your husbands passing, I'm so sorry. When my husband went to treatment 13 years ago he was told medically he could never drink again. We have gone though several medical problems since than. Now he's back to drinking. I can't believe someone could do that to their self and family. He told me, as an alcoholic, he's always one drink away from drinking again, I feel that is a cop out. When one has had treatment they should know what sets them off. He would not go to AA after treatment, he never got a sponsor. I don't understand it, he had all the information from treatment and his health.
reader: I'm so glad your husband decided on treatment. When my husband went to treatment I drove 4 hours, one way, 2x aweek for 6 weeks, for family counseling, Sunday and Wednesday sessions. At first it was really hard, I was in a car 8 hours driving, then I had to get up and go to work the next day. It's very hard not seeing my granddaughters, I ask my husband all the time what's going on with the girls, their school, their cheerleading & games, gymnastics. I just can't ask him to help me see them, besides I would never put the girls in a situation like that. I don't think my family is playing hard ball, I really don't know.
take2: where can I get some information to help me deal with all this? I've looked online, bookstores, library's. The only thing I can find is self help books that really don't say anything. There are dozens and dozens of self help books, all with their own opinion.
jojo: Sorry about the "Packer" thing. I hope we can be friends anyway!!!! My husband and I were born and raised 70 miles from the twin cities. Being from Wisconsin should say enough, beer drinkers USA. I do feel at ease in my own apartment. When I left I really was not mad anymore, I just left. I just felt like I had died inside, I had no energy, my sanity was what I needed. The fear of living with an active drinker was to much for me to deal with. After his treatment I walked on egg shells for years worried he would start drinking again. Now I wonder if I want to work things out, I'm 53, if I went back well he do this again.
I want to say so much to my husband, but I just can't until I get myself together. He knows enough to contact me about every 3 days. If I get past the 3rd day I seem to think clear, than he contacts me. I don't drink, I don't have a problems with alcohol or drugs and I just don't understand this. How the hell hard can it be.
Thansk for listening
hadtoleave
cwohio: I read of your husbands passing, I'm so sorry. When my husband went to treatment 13 years ago he was told medically he could never drink again. We have gone though several medical problems since than. Now he's back to drinking. I can't believe someone could do that to their self and family. He told me, as an alcoholic, he's always one drink away from drinking again, I feel that is a cop out. When one has had treatment they should know what sets them off. He would not go to AA after treatment, he never got a sponsor. I don't understand it, he had all the information from treatment and his health.
reader: I'm so glad your husband decided on treatment. When my husband went to treatment I drove 4 hours, one way, 2x aweek for 6 weeks, for family counseling, Sunday and Wednesday sessions. At first it was really hard, I was in a car 8 hours driving, then I had to get up and go to work the next day. It's very hard not seeing my granddaughters, I ask my husband all the time what's going on with the girls, their school, their cheerleading & games, gymnastics. I just can't ask him to help me see them, besides I would never put the girls in a situation like that. I don't think my family is playing hard ball, I really don't know.
take2: where can I get some information to help me deal with all this? I've looked online, bookstores, library's. The only thing I can find is self help books that really don't say anything. There are dozens and dozens of self help books, all with their own opinion.
jojo: Sorry about the "Packer" thing. I hope we can be friends anyway!!!! My husband and I were born and raised 70 miles from the twin cities. Being from Wisconsin should say enough, beer drinkers USA. I do feel at ease in my own apartment. When I left I really was not mad anymore, I just left. I just felt like I had died inside, I had no energy, my sanity was what I needed. The fear of living with an active drinker was to much for me to deal with. After his treatment I walked on egg shells for years worried he would start drinking again. Now I wonder if I want to work things out, I'm 53, if I went back well he do this again.
I want to say so much to my husband, but I just can't until I get myself together. He knows enough to contact me about every 3 days. If I get past the 3rd day I seem to think clear, than he contacts me. I don't drink, I don't have a problems with alcohol or drugs and I just don't understand this. How the hell hard can it be.
Thansk for listening
hadtoleave
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
hadtoleave - if they don't follow a program then the chance for relapse is great. it's hard for us to wrap our heads around the fact that NOTHING - family, jobs, health whatever means as much as the addictive substance. i am so sorry that your daughter is responding that way - it has to hurt big time. you did not destroy the family, you are trying to do what you feel is right for you.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: La-La-Land
Posts: 50
(((Hadtoleave)))
It really saddens me to read your post and see that you are suffering so much from the actions of your family. I am truely sorry for that! Personally I think you are doing the right things. You have made a choice that seems best for you and shame on them for making you the bad guy. This disease is so crazy. In regards to literature... I stock up on the literature available at the alanon meetings, as well as the Co-dependent no more books. I also like to read anything I can that helps me to understand the disease of A and what life is like for an A. Any books sponsored by Alanon or AA I have found helpful.
Thinking of you!!!
It really saddens me to read your post and see that you are suffering so much from the actions of your family. I am truely sorry for that! Personally I think you are doing the right things. You have made a choice that seems best for you and shame on them for making you the bad guy. This disease is so crazy. In regards to literature... I stock up on the literature available at the alanon meetings, as well as the Co-dependent no more books. I also like to read anything I can that helps me to understand the disease of A and what life is like for an A. Any books sponsored by Alanon or AA I have found helpful.
Thinking of you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
I've Tried
I'm Sorry I stopped my contacts on this web site, just talking about my personal problems sent me into a panic. You all had such kind word and shared great infomration, I'm not use to that - I'm often the one giving words to help others - related to my employment. Right now this seems to be the only place for my outlet. This has been so hard for me to deal with and I don't have anyone that understands what is going on with me.
I've tried several times to go to Alanon: called contacts from my area - did not get much assistance there - which sent fear to my stomach, several times I sat in the parking lots / cried and left and last night I even made it to the front door - but left and cried. What's wrong? How come I can't get inside to the meetings. I don't do well talking about dirty laundry (way I was raised) and going places by myself. I have spent hours online looking for information and reading information on how to deal with an alcoholic spouse.
I'm about drained of all this, I left my home 4-months ago and he has not done anything to make corrections. I've provided him with alcohol counselors that the state will pay for - I have great state insurance that will cover everything. Friends are now telling me that should tell me something about my AH - do I just give up and get a divorce after 36 years of marriage? I've tried and had specialized alcohol counselors try to find counseling for me - most counselors will not take a spouse into counseling with out the alcoholic in counseling. I know enough not to confront my AH right now due to the hurt feelings I'm having. He is also the type once he's mad about something/someone he never changes his mind - he can be very cold. I want to scream at him so bad - what am I suppose to do the rest of my life watch him 24/7, the trust is gone. I'm I suppose to keep contact with him and see him on the weekends. He seems okay with that arrangement. We are now right back to where we always go: problem occurs, mad at each other, days go by, things are fine again. I can see now we should have talked about things and resolved them, but problems we had did not seem to be that major/great. He is not a talker and will stop conversations.
I spoke with one of my brothers the other night, surprized to get that phone call. Well he was totally wasted, he told me he has spoken to my daughter about all this and made her cry - which made me feel bad. He also told me when he and his wife came for a visit 2 years ago he and my AH were drinking beer outside in the garage. He also told me 5-6 years ago he also drank with my AH. So I gues my husband has not been sober for the passed 13 years like I thought. My brother told me if I would just quit bitching and being mad at my AH maybe this would not have occurred - me leaving home. That is totally not true at all, now I wonder where my brother got that information. I did not ask him questions, just let him ramble on and on - I guess I wanted to get information/know something of what my family was saying as they are not talking to me. By the way my family totally loves my husband, also our family's go back almost 200 years - not kidding I'm doing our family history.
I'm so lost, when did he start drinking (few times over the years I have questioned if he was drinking, but said nothing-thought I was going though flash backs). I trusted him so much. I have trusted him over and over and over again for 36 years.
Does marriage and family mean nothing to him? Does his health mean nothing to him? Does he not care about me, his daughter, son-in-law and our granddaughters.
This afternoon I nexteled him, he was so smart with me. Yet last night when I tried to go to a Alanon meeting he (he did not know where I was) kept nexteling me: Where are you, What are doing, Call me when you get back to the apartment- on and on.
This is a man that I cooked breakfast for him at 4:00 AM, packed a full lunch, full supper at night and a snack when he watched tv. Shopped for all the holidays, with all the trimmings, and did all the shopping for the holidays. His home was clean from top to bottom, laundry done and put away. I also work a 40-50 hour aweek job.
I know I need counseling, I just don't want any counselor, I want a counselor specialized in alcoholic's and working with the family's.
Again thanks for listening.
I've tried several times to go to Alanon: called contacts from my area - did not get much assistance there - which sent fear to my stomach, several times I sat in the parking lots / cried and left and last night I even made it to the front door - but left and cried. What's wrong? How come I can't get inside to the meetings. I don't do well talking about dirty laundry (way I was raised) and going places by myself. I have spent hours online looking for information and reading information on how to deal with an alcoholic spouse.
I'm about drained of all this, I left my home 4-months ago and he has not done anything to make corrections. I've provided him with alcohol counselors that the state will pay for - I have great state insurance that will cover everything. Friends are now telling me that should tell me something about my AH - do I just give up and get a divorce after 36 years of marriage? I've tried and had specialized alcohol counselors try to find counseling for me - most counselors will not take a spouse into counseling with out the alcoholic in counseling. I know enough not to confront my AH right now due to the hurt feelings I'm having. He is also the type once he's mad about something/someone he never changes his mind - he can be very cold. I want to scream at him so bad - what am I suppose to do the rest of my life watch him 24/7, the trust is gone. I'm I suppose to keep contact with him and see him on the weekends. He seems okay with that arrangement. We are now right back to where we always go: problem occurs, mad at each other, days go by, things are fine again. I can see now we should have talked about things and resolved them, but problems we had did not seem to be that major/great. He is not a talker and will stop conversations.
I spoke with one of my brothers the other night, surprized to get that phone call. Well he was totally wasted, he told me he has spoken to my daughter about all this and made her cry - which made me feel bad. He also told me when he and his wife came for a visit 2 years ago he and my AH were drinking beer outside in the garage. He also told me 5-6 years ago he also drank with my AH. So I gues my husband has not been sober for the passed 13 years like I thought. My brother told me if I would just quit bitching and being mad at my AH maybe this would not have occurred - me leaving home. That is totally not true at all, now I wonder where my brother got that information. I did not ask him questions, just let him ramble on and on - I guess I wanted to get information/know something of what my family was saying as they are not talking to me. By the way my family totally loves my husband, also our family's go back almost 200 years - not kidding I'm doing our family history.
I'm so lost, when did he start drinking (few times over the years I have questioned if he was drinking, but said nothing-thought I was going though flash backs). I trusted him so much. I have trusted him over and over and over again for 36 years.
Does marriage and family mean nothing to him? Does his health mean nothing to him? Does he not care about me, his daughter, son-in-law and our granddaughters.
This afternoon I nexteled him, he was so smart with me. Yet last night when I tried to go to a Alanon meeting he (he did not know where I was) kept nexteling me: Where are you, What are doing, Call me when you get back to the apartment- on and on.
This is a man that I cooked breakfast for him at 4:00 AM, packed a full lunch, full supper at night and a snack when he watched tv. Shopped for all the holidays, with all the trimmings, and did all the shopping for the holidays. His home was clean from top to bottom, laundry done and put away. I also work a 40-50 hour aweek job.
I know I need counseling, I just don't want any counselor, I want a counselor specialized in alcoholic's and working with the family's.
Again thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
hi "hugs"
you made it to the door of an alanon meeting... thats better than staying in the car.... keep trying... once you walk thru that door... you dont have to say a word... you can sit there and listen.. and when others share their stories of strength, hope and happiness... you will start to see how truly connected all of us suffering the effects of alcoholism are.
therapists are great too... mine helped me a whole lot. she and i could talk about lots of things i didnt know were related about how i felt about myself, then things started to get clearer.
you never know when God is going to give you a do-over. all you can do is find the strength to know that what you were doing wasnt healthy for you. families and denial are affects of alcoholism too. but a counselor or alanon will be able to show that to you much clearer than words on a page.
keep the faith, you will find when things are darkest is right before things become clear and light starts to fill your life.
quietsins
you made it to the door of an alanon meeting... thats better than staying in the car.... keep trying... once you walk thru that door... you dont have to say a word... you can sit there and listen.. and when others share their stories of strength, hope and happiness... you will start to see how truly connected all of us suffering the effects of alcoholism are.
therapists are great too... mine helped me a whole lot. she and i could talk about lots of things i didnt know were related about how i felt about myself, then things started to get clearer.
you never know when God is going to give you a do-over. all you can do is find the strength to know that what you were doing wasnt healthy for you. families and denial are affects of alcoholism too. but a counselor or alanon will be able to show that to you much clearer than words on a page.
keep the faith, you will find when things are darkest is right before things become clear and light starts to fill your life.
quietsins
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((Hadtoleave))
You are not alone unless you choose to be. I am sure wilthout your family around it feels that way but here at SR we understand as few others can. Each of us have our own verisons of the story as they do at Al-Anon meetings. If you look for the similiarities you will see we suffer from the same disease.
In al-anon we have what we call the 3 C's that I hope you write down so you will always remember them.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it!
There are no rules in al-anon. Just show up and if the first group you go to doesn't fit right try another. I wish everyone could have a home al-anon group as loving and supportive as mine. You most difinately don't have to talk , just listen. It took me forever to get to the point of asking "What are the tools you guys keep talking about?" But when the words and the meanings all started to come to gether in my mind I KNEW I had a new support group.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
You are not alone unless you choose to be. I am sure wilthout your family around it feels that way but here at SR we understand as few others can. Each of us have our own verisons of the story as they do at Al-Anon meetings. If you look for the similiarities you will see we suffer from the same disease.
In al-anon we have what we call the 3 C's that I hope you write down so you will always remember them.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it!
There are no rules in al-anon. Just show up and if the first group you go to doesn't fit right try another. I wish everyone could have a home al-anon group as loving and supportive as mine. You most difinately don't have to talk , just listen. It took me forever to get to the point of asking "What are the tools you guys keep talking about?" But when the words and the meanings all started to come to gether in my mind I KNEW I had a new support group.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Hi hadtoleave! Welcome to SR!! 
I used to ask these questions; sometimes I still do, but I must remember my exabf is an active alcoholic, and that means that he will truly not care about anyone around him as long as he is drinking. Their booze is much more important, even though deep down inside they know they're hurting the ones they love most. So when they feel that way, they just have to numb those feelings. Active A's are selfish, manipulative, and will steal, lie and cheat to keep their addiction going.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it only continues to get worse.
Originally Posted by hadtoleave
Does marriage and family mean nothing to him? Does his health mean nothing to him? Does he not care about me, his daughter, son-in-law and our granddaughters. .
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it only continues to get worse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((hadtoleave))) Hi; and welcome to SR. I know a lot of what you are feeling. Married 27yrs; but he has not yet admitted problem, he moved out and filed divorce after we lived in the limbo you described for about 3 years, kids are still around for the most part (17 and 23) and are the ones who refused to live with,too. He thinks it is all "my fault"...you know, the usual.
I have become a regular here, trying to get my bearings. It is like someone switched the rules in the middle of a game and failed to mention it to me.
I am so sorry..........I know how it effects every part of your life;constantly. I would encourage you to read and post and take advantage of the good advice people here offer. Despite my initial doubts, it DOES help!
I have become a regular here, trying to get my bearings. It is like someone switched the rules in the middle of a game and failed to mention it to me.
I am so sorry..........I know how it effects every part of your life;constantly. I would encourage you to read and post and take advantage of the good advice people here offer. Despite my initial doubts, it DOES help!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Had-to-leave...I'll post more this evening, but for now, from a recovering alcoholic, PLEASE go to AlAnon. Folks there will understand and you will find tremendous help...for you. Only your hubby can find help for himself...and then only when he WANTS it...not wants, not Wants, but WANTS it.
BubbaBob
BubbaBob
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome HadtoLeave
This forum is a great place to find answers and support ...from those you have been down the same road. Keep coming back and you will learn something every time. I spent over a year visiting here before I ever posted and gained so much knowledge and serenity in knowing I was not alone. Alcoholism is a very difficult and confusing disorder to understand and it is especially difficult to live with. To a practicing alcoholic, the addiction comes first in their lives before anything or anyone else. That can be so hurtful, but it is necessary to understand that you are not dealing with a rational person but in reality you are dealing with an addiction. I have been married for a very long time to an alcoholic and the constant roller coaster of ups and downs. My AH has developed serious health problems recently that were related to drinking. He was told to stop drinking or he could permanently lose his vision - not even that could stop him. That's how insane the addiction is.
It sounds like you are at peace with your decision, but hurt your family can't support you. That is certainly understandable. If they could learn more about the addiction that rips so many families apart, I am sure they would come to understand. But that may take time or it may never happen. It wasn't until my husband got progressively worse and his behavior more outrageous that it became obvious to family members that I wasn't overreacting to a simple problem - and eventually getting mad at me for not divorcing him. Keep coming back .. you will get support and learn so much.
This forum is a great place to find answers and support ...from those you have been down the same road. Keep coming back and you will learn something every time. I spent over a year visiting here before I ever posted and gained so much knowledge and serenity in knowing I was not alone. Alcoholism is a very difficult and confusing disorder to understand and it is especially difficult to live with. To a practicing alcoholic, the addiction comes first in their lives before anything or anyone else. That can be so hurtful, but it is necessary to understand that you are not dealing with a rational person but in reality you are dealing with an addiction. I have been married for a very long time to an alcoholic and the constant roller coaster of ups and downs. My AH has developed serious health problems recently that were related to drinking. He was told to stop drinking or he could permanently lose his vision - not even that could stop him. That's how insane the addiction is.
It sounds like you are at peace with your decision, but hurt your family can't support you. That is certainly understandable. If they could learn more about the addiction that rips so many families apart, I am sure they would come to understand. But that may take time or it may never happen. It wasn't until my husband got progressively worse and his behavior more outrageous that it became obvious to family members that I wasn't overreacting to a simple problem - and eventually getting mad at me for not divorcing him. Keep coming back .. you will get support and learn so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Hadtoleave....you have given me a glimps of my potential future. I too have been with my AH for 16 years. We've been separated for 18 (?) months.
Thank you for posting your experiences here. and welcome to SoberRecovery!! Everyone here has helped me soooooo much. We are all here for you too.
Thank you for posting your experiences here. and welcome to SoberRecovery!! Everyone here has helped me soooooo much. We are all here for you too.
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