My seven year old daughter
 

Emily let your daughter stay home with her father. Go and have a good time. I'm surprised you are still there.

Why, is it just that simple and I need to get over myself.

Yes, it's nothing to battle over. You are behaving as childish as your daughter.

Okay, I am going up north to my parents for Thanksgiving this year, my H is going to choose not to go, my H has known this for months, that is fine that he stays home, but if my youngest daughter chooses not to go, I should be okay with this, so Daddy, Granny and her can spend Thanksgiving together. Where do I draw the line, should I draw the line?

Emily, hon, act like her mother. Sit and "talk to her" and tell her that you all will be going to your parents for Thanksgiving and that Daddy will be staying home with his family. Tell her that you would really like her to come along, that you will be having lots of fun with her grandparents and family and everyone would love to see her.

Tell her you are treating her like a big girl and that you would like to know what she wants to do and whatever she chooses is OK with you. (AND MEAN IT!)

I don't know how your relationship is with your daughter, but it sounds as if she is just a pawn used with the power struggle between yourself and your husband.

Stop agonizing over every single decision you make. Make your decision and stick to it.

Is pawn the right word????

I am going to let her choose what she wants, I have told her it is okay. I just feel hurt, I guess because she is choosing to stay home instead of go with the rest of us.

But her being seven, she is not thinking everything that I am letting my mind think, she is just choosing to stay home.

Thank you for keeping me grounded, I just assumed she would want to go, she gets to miss one day of school, swim in the pool, go to lake michigan, visit with friends and go to a hockey game.

I dont want to tear her up, I will with a genuine smile on my face tell her to stay home with daddy, have fun, and I will see her in a couple of days.

I wish I knew why It hurts like it does. Will I ever get out of this make believe world I live in thinking we will all go like some happy family and actually have fun.

i think it hurts because you feel she's choosing daddy over mommy. you have some baggage regarding favoritism shown to her by grandma & daddy that you probably haven't totally let go of.

i think judy had an excellent suggestion.

Emily, you don't need to tell her to stay home with Daddy, she has already told you that she would.

When you leave, Wish her a Happy Thanksgiving and tell her to say hello to granma and granpa for you and tell her to have a good time. If it were me, I wouldn't even mention "daddy" specifically. Maybe you can buy her a centerpiece to give to her grandparents for their table on Thanksgiving Day. Or better yet, maybe she can make a special one.

Is pawn too strong a word? Perhaps. To me it "feels" as if this little girl is the prize in a tug of war between you and your husband, someplace no child should even be put in by anyone.

When you get tired of it you will. Perhaps you still like the drama, maybe it makes you feel needed, feel like you belong to something. I don't know.

Emily,

Part of your daughter's wish to stay at home with Daddy may be the beginnings of co-dependent behaviour, as she may sense or even know that he is in need of "looking after," while you may come across to her as sensible and not quite as needy. This may not be favouritism in any sense, but merely the longing of a young girl to connect with her father, particularly when she knows he is hurting.

Just my opinion, take what you need, and throw away the rest.

Just Ellen

I would say this is more than possible in many cases, but I don't think it's the way it is in this case.

In my experience, a 7 year old would stay with the parent that provides stability, at least in their minds, not to take care of the parent unless they had to. Emily's daughter does not need to take care of her dad, her mom does that and he doesn't go on many family outings.

I know, I'm off base replying to this post, but I'm doubtful about the scenario you posted.

I haven't got much time to comment on everything here, but can I just say that there is no way in earth that I would have been given a choice like that at age 7. I went where I was told and if I cried all the way there, then that was my tough luck. And I bet I would have forgotten all about my tantrum by the time I got there anyway.

amen to that minnie - you went, no if's, and's or buts about it!!!

Ahhh, Minnie you are showing your age :-) I was handled the very same way you were, I was a kid, there was no choice for me, I went where I was told.

Unfortunately or fortunately, things have changed. Parenting has changed. You also had 2 parents who provided a united front, Emily's daughter does not have that. She is having to choose between her mother and father.

Yes, more kids than not nowadays are given choices to make, even at a very young age. Do I agree? Not in every instance. My daughter is very mature and even at a very young age I could have a conversation with her. It worked very well with her and still does. My son on the other hand ..... well, that's for another day another time!

So as much as I can appreciate your opinion, parenting is just not like the "good old days! ;-)

I'm also with Minnie and CW on this. Age of 7 and making their own decisions about holidays? I may have wished I could decide for myself, but sure didnt get to.

Also,
I was already learning to be co-dependent at the age of 7, it is possible.

Whoa back up here! I didn't say she couldn't be learning to be co-dependent of course anyone at any age can be co-dependent if they have a good example to follow and are made up that way.

I'm just saying that Emily's daughter has chosen her father over doing things with her mother many times before, as posted previously. The father and grandparents bribe her with gifts etc as also was previously posted.

The point is, to have Emily appear fair, as a parent, she should be calm and "talk" to her daughter, making her "think" she is making the decision of staying and that Emily will accept that. Someday this child will need her mother and if Emily keeps an "open door" policy, ie; you can always trust me to come and talk to me about anything, type of thing, it will work much more than saying "you are coming with me" and having a whining/crying/manipulative child with her all weekend long. Yuck ..... me, I'd rather her stay home with her father and grandparents IF that is what she chose to do. I am doubtful that her life is in any danger, whereas Emily's might be if she takes the child against her will, at least when she returned.

Did I explain that properly?

What I am really surprised about is how you keep thinking your husband should be doing normal family things. Like having fun and relaxing with your sister, swimming at the hotel, participating with other parents and watching hockey. He has no interest in those things, he is an alcoholic and alcohol is his entertainment. I would stop stressing over what he does and keep the rest of my family intact. At 7 your child chould be participating in family venues and not home "babysitting daddy" and his addiction. Just my opinion.

Tell me, did anyone benefit from being told by their parents "you're going and that's it"!!!

We are still all co-dependents, we still all have challenges with Alcoholics right? I am just curious, just because we were treated that way, does that mean it's right? Do we all like the way we turned out? Co-dependent issues and all?

Judy,

I think you explained it beautifully..Also I think that if Emily's daughter really wants to stay..then let her stay..

if she doesn't have a great time with her dad (but her two siblings have a wonderful time and tell her all she missed) she'll have learned a lesson about life and consequences of her choices..