equus

Absolutely! Drunk I couldn't trust D to turn the cooker off or lock the door but that IS different.

I think it is about individuals - lots of non-alcoholics have affairs, lots of relationships with booze in the mix are in trouble. It doesn't surprise me that there's so much here about affairs, but I think that's because of people having affairs not drinking.

minnie

Did R cheat on me? In hindsight, I think he overlapped me with his ex-wife. Someone I know calls it orangu-tanging. In my naivety, I believed him when he said he was just waiting for the papers to come through, although I do know that they were living apart at the time. It was all part of the nonsense that I turned a blind eye to at the start.

I am fairly certain he didn't cheat whilst we were together - we worked from home and he would barely let me out of his sight for a large part of the time, so I don't think he had the opportunity. Having said that, his behaviour since we split up indicates that it was probably only a matter of time. After all, his new fiancee caight him "begging for sex on-line" barely 2 months after they got engaged. Seems that wasn't a deal-breaker for her as I have a sneaking suspicion they are getting married next week.

I see infidelity as another example of the drive for instant gratification. And another example just happens to be excessive alcohol intake. Of course, it's not quite as straightforward as that, but I think it plays a major part.

ASpouse

Guy, I wonder if she feels the same way? Perhaps she felt there was a problem but never said.

Not that it matters, we can't dwell on the past, but must continue to move forward with our lives.

ASpouse

Honestly I just think he asks because he is being respectful and most times he has no clue what I have planned. He also knows he can go to meetings whenever he wants to, and we're really kind of boring so just about any night is OK to go for him.

Irondoorknob

Guy,

I know that alcoholism changed my husband. He too has little regard for me or the kids. His choices appear to be insane. And they are not choices of the person I was married to for over 16 years. So I completely understand what you mean.

That said, I am trying to move forward and not dwell on the past. Some days are better than others. I am still grieving, but given time I know I will be fine.

Be kind to yourself.

Pick-a-name

No.......this was not my case. Remember, it is a progressive disease. So is the decline in the marriage as the disease progresses and the self-centeredness progresses. At 24 my AH was a wonderful husband who really didn't drink much at all..........at 52y that isn't the case. Even our children know him as a very different father. They are 5 yrs apart, and the older one had lots of good years and good fathering and family times that my daughter just didn't have. She had a few but while she was very young.....the rages and drinking by himself nightly started when she was about ten, so she doesn't see the changes like my son and I do.........he remembers the "old" dad and has spoken to me and him about it.

We had a very good marriage for at least the first 15-20 years, then slowly but surely (and quicker decline as it goes on) the rages and personality changes started. It is a strange disease....a little different in every case....but always progressing and so are the symptoms. That is my experience.......I never saw it coming. (Took awhile to figure out it WAS related to the drinking, until he drank in earnest in front of me.) He still doesn't.

I feel the way Irondoorknob does in the post above.

guyinNC

No we were happy......as much as any couple. If she wanted out ,should could have divorced me at any time. We were married five years before any kids. At any other time, she could have divorced and got a much better deal.


Lucky me.